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Appeal of Serious Relationships?


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Cookiesandough

Hi. Sorry for the threads. I realize my perception of how relationships often go are not how they all are...Love is a many spendor thing, indeed. But this is just something I've noticed about LTR myself.

 

 

When you start seeing someone, at first everything is fun and light. You're free and you bring your best self. You have space to reflect and time to recharge. You see each other maybe once a week (if you want to).

 

But eventually once a week is expected to be 2x a week. Then more. The more you see someone romantically, the more a serious relationship is inevitable because you are pouring so much energy and self into each other. You can't really focus on yourself as much anymore.

 

You begin to have no time to reflect on things because it is happening in that moment. All you know is you are spending all this time with this person you enjoy being around a lot or maybe just enough, but you don't know if it's the best or healthiest thing for you.

 

You guys begin to form a unity. You begin to lose a huge portion of your autonomy. It's "we" now. You have to consult that person when you want to do something and vice versa. You want a break away for a week, two, three, can you? You don't want to call or text for a week sometimes, then trust issues may arise. "Why were you gone for three weeks?" "I wanted to be by myself for awhile" "Don't you like being with me?"

 

This person's problems become your own. This person's hopes and dreams are now, in part, your responsibility. And the problems you had; well... you may not have had any before, but you do now.

 

Think of how nice it was to sit back and not have to worry about a single thing besides needing a +1 occasionally. If you needed some emotional support, you'd call up a friend. If you got lonely for intimacy you could just meet someone off of an app. Now you have you have to offer another person intimacy even if you don't feel like it!

 

You start to see the worst parts of this person and they see them in you. Arguments. By now, you're so entangled you've started to feel cold comfort being with them. YOU need them now. You don't know how else to be. You've done so much you wouldn't have done at this juncture you don't even know who you are anymore. You're less you and more the parasitic twin of this person.

 

I really can't empathize with people who feel bad they aren't in a relationship. In fact, when I think about my friends who are coupled I feel kind of bad for them, especially if it's really long-term. The only appeal I can see is you want kids raised in nuclear family, you are a dependantish person, you are very sensitive to cultural pressure. Am I missing something?

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Those are odd questions to ask. Do you avoid responsibility in other aspects of your life? I always had to take care of people in some shape or form, may it be family, friends or employees. If a relationship causes you that much concern, the thought of having a child must outright frighten you. A being you are completely responsible for, someone you can't avoid or break up with.

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First off, don't apologize for all the threads. You are asking questions to learn and that is a good thing because not many people in general like to exercise their brain.

 

To address the thread...um I guess I can kinda see where you're coming from. Are you basically saying you feel people aren't able to live life unless they're in a serious relationship with someone? If so I would have to agree with you. Just another one of the many things that us humans tens to be dependent on. I personally would much rather be in a relationship than alone because I feel having a relationship with someone you can be your 100% self with is one of life's greatest blessings. You literally have found someone that totally understands you in a way that no one else has. Do you know how great that makes someone feel? The fact that they don't have to feel alone anymore? It's a high better than any drug can ever give you.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that yeah even though people tend to be overly dependent on being in a relationship, I think it's better to be in one than to not be, that is unless the relationship is toxic, which sadly a very high majority of them are. Believe it or not there is a book called The Exceptional 7 Percent which basically goes deep in how the 7% of people in successful marriages keep so happy in their relationships and how they do it. Haven't gotten to reading it yet, but man, that is just such a small minority. Granted the book is fairly old, but still...

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Wow, you have a very negative view on relationships. You probably have never been in a good one to picture it so negatively.

 

I've known both, I was single almost 10 years and I've been in relationships.

 

I can attest that I did more growing and evolving while I was single, that's why it's better to enter serious dating past 25 years old when you've discovered who you are and what you want to do with your life. I firmly believe someone should have known independence on their own before melting their life to someone else.

 

That being said being in a healthy relationship is very fulfilling and it does not have to be this prison you are describing. I am in a relationship where there are space to grow, I don't need to report to him, I don't need his permission, and if I need time alone he's independent enough to understand and gladly offer it to me.

 

Not all couples are like your friends. Did you know many married couples keep separate homes? exactly so they don't get annoyed at each other.

 

And finally not all human beings are meant to be in relationships. If it's synonym of a prison to you than by all mean don't be in one.

Edited by Gaeta
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Cookiesandough
Those are odd questions to ask. Do you avoid responsibility in other aspects of your life? I always had to take care of people in some shape or form, may it be family, friends or employees. If a relationship causes you that much concern, the thought of having a child must outright frighten you. A being you are completely responsible for, someone you can't avoid or break up with.

 

Yes but with school, work, even a child(as wrong as it sounds) there's something people gain from it. With a child, you have something that is part of you or something to nuture. Is that why people get serious relationships? To have something to love and take care of?

 

I guess I'm trying to ask what really can a woman gain from a serious relationship.. Zaykaywill says it's so someone understands you and you don't feel alone. I do want to connect with someone, but I do you really need to be in a serious relationship that? I feel like that can be accomplished by friendship or even casual dating and be a lot less consuming.

 

It's hard for me to understand the lonely feeling from being single people often talk about. I've never got that way. I get bouts of loneliness but they're completely unrelated to romance and pass quickly.

 

There seems little to nothing to gain from serious relationships opposed and a lot youre 'losing'

 

My parents and most of my friends have relatively great relationships, but still I look at my friend's bf arranging cookies on a plate and sometimes just shake my head.

 

I see what Gaeta is saying and I agree.. Different people are wired differently.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Eternal Sunshine

When I am around other couples, I actually don't envy their lives. I get a deep sense of boredom and complacency. I often go home really happy that I am single.

 

Sometimes, traveling alone for example gets boring. It would be nice to have a partner to travel with. It would also be nice to have someone to call to when you are sick or need help. But it's still a high price to pay for losing all your time and independence.

 

Since I don't want to have children, I am not looking for marriage. I am looking for a relationship with someone that I would be so crazy about, I won't mind some sacrifices. Still, this person would have to let me retain a high degree of independence while also not seeing other women and being committed to me.

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RecentChange

Huh, I don't even know what to say....

 

Because I have been in a serious relationship for 15 years and I don't identify with anything you have written.

 

I love having a partner in life. To live with my best friend. He's got my back and I have his. It's us against the world baby!

 

Someone to share and multiply all my joys with. Someone to share and lighten the burden of my sorrows with.

 

The comfort of his arms, the joy of seeing his face every morning.

 

Sharing our love.

 

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

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Everyone is different what their priorities are. Some people feel they always have to be in a relationship and don't like to go it alone. Others find relationships restricting and quickly get out once the fun part is over and the prison gates start closing.

 

I envy those people who found the person that they're so secure with that neither of them has to worry much. But those people are few and far between. I thought one of my friend's marriage was like that but he got chronically ill and has been in bed for years now and she's off galavanting around because she wasn't cut out to be a loyal person by his bedside. She needs constant attention from someone. So that fell flat.

 

Other friends of mine, I basically have felt they'd be better off without the ones they ended up having kids with, but it's not my choice. It's theirs. They have different needs than mine. I feel they're constantly frustrated, but not enough to leave or else fear keeps them there, financial fear mainly.

 

I never settled, so I am still single. It's that simple. It's a lot of it just who I am and not anyone else's fault. But I've never felt bad about it and you shouldn't either. If you find your guy, fantastic, and enjoy it for as long as it is more fun than not. But if you don't, you're probably going to be overall happier on your own. Just be sure, Cookies, that you have something in your life that you can passionately focus on, a career, an attainable lifestyle with hobbies, pursuing higher education, whatever, because you want to be a happy single person and not an unhappy one. Bottom line, if you're happy, whatever it is that makes you happy, that's all that really matters in life. Doesn't matter if you get there the easy way or the hard way. Just get happy.

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RecentChange

What is your parents relationships like cookies? Is it this miserable prison of arguing and no identity you describe?

 

My dad and stepmom have been married for 30 years. Their love and joy is patitable to all around them.

 

To separate lives enhanced by their togetherness.

 

Sometimes 1 +1 equals more than 2. That is what a great life partner is all about. It's not a life of losses but many gains.

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When you have genuine love and devotion it is a great thing but most people these days are not capable of that.

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Cookiesandough

ES, I see what you're saying. That makes sense

 

Preraph, your post really spoke to me. I feel I will stay single lifelong too!!

 

What is your parents relationships like cookies? Is it this miserable prison of arguing and no identity you describe?

 

My dad and stepmom have been married for 30 years. Their love and joy is patitable to all around them.

 

To separate lives enhanced by their togetherness.

 

Sometimes 1 +1 equals more than 2. That is what a great life partner is all about. It's not a life of losses but many gains.

 

That's great to hear. Some people like you are happy paired and some just aren't. I think it's hard for others to understand when they identify with and are comfortable in relationships most of their adult life. What's funny is my parents are happy married decades without much fighting but that is actually quite rare if you think about it. Even so, I can't help but think how much happier they could have been if they never had me and were single.. My mom is a bit of a feminist and taught me a lot of independence. That may be why.

 

 

What I am speaking of here is a lot of my XP with my ex and how I felt being in a relationship. I felt smothered. I felt I lost myself in the relationship and gained very little. Nothing I couldn't have gained from being single and having male companionship if I wanted...

 

I like that exciting spark and passion.

 

 

Thanks, woggle, for your perspective. Some people just don't do it right. That's true.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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RecentChange

Hum...

 

I feel like that Mr and I have the best of both worlds as a childless couple.

 

We pool our money. I have a PARTNER in every sense (and you know what, there HAS been infidelity - and it wasn't a deal killer for either of us, basically we decided we are sex freaks and used the whole thing to strengthen our communication- I know that doesn't work for most).

 

We have tons of freedom. Both of us have time consuming hobbies we are passionate about. He may go on a mountain bike / bmx / party trip with the dudes, I have my horse back riding and comps etc to keep me busy.

 

Basically we see each other in the evenings, and go on vacations together.

 

Sometimes he will go out on the town without me - and sometimes I go out solo as well.

 

But if I get a promotion (like I did today!!! Yay!) Who's the first person I called? When my mom died, who did I call? Him! He's my cheer leader, my support, my rock, my dude.

 

And I am there for him when life throws you curve balls. His joy is my joy. His pain is my pain.

 

I can't think of any downsides to being in a relationship with him.....

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I never felt like my current marriage encroached on my freedom. I still all the things I did when I was single but the key is that I found somebody who supports that.

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You know you have a good woman when she takes a vacation week with you so you can play GTA V together the week it came out. I think she got more into it than I did.

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Hm, it is different for everyone.

 

I never found appeal in fun & light times of dating. I want someone to be able to share freely and NOT focus on positives in life but explore it with all the existing cr*p. Funnily events and fun / light stuff I strongly prefer to do alone. So as traveling - unless is a repeat visit, I like to go by myself first. So the more developed and complicated the relationship gets, the more I get out of it, satisfaction wise. Initial stages just bring me anxiety (and a lot of unnecessary dating events - walk&talk for me is much better date than any restaurant/'fun' activity in existence).

 

I want a long term relationship because I enjoy drilling through the layers of the other person, dissecting him, and also opening up myself. Marriage will be nice - because I want to have children, and this is IMO the safest way. Otherwise - it is just another legal hurdle, but in the means of reproduction - I'd probably take it if appropriate partner shows up.

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Cookiesandough

Tysm for insight, everyone

 

Wow no_go. You're like the antithesis me in so many ways!!! So you are sort of looking for someone to share hard times and deeper subjects with. That makes sense.

 

I don't know why but much of what you said fills me with intense fear. What if you unravel someone and don't like what you've unraveled? Then you're stuck in an unhappy place because you can't abandon them

Hm, it is different for everyone.

 

I never found appeal in fun & light times of dating. I want someone to be able to share freely and NOT focus on positives in life but explore it with all the existing cr*p.Funnily events and fun / light stuff I strongly prefer to do alone. So as traveling - unless is a repeat visit, I like to go by myself first. So the more developed and complicated the relationship gets, the more I get out of it, satisfaction wise. Initial stages just bring me anxiety (and a lot of unnecessary dating events - walk&talk for me is much better date than any restaurant/'fun' activity in existence).

 

I want a long term relationship because I enjoy drilling through the layers of the other person, dissecting him, and also opening up myself. Marriage will be nice - because I want to have children, and this is IMO the safest way. Otherwise - it is just another legal hurdle, but in the means of reproduction - I'd probably take it if appropriate partner shows up.

 

I think you'll make a great wife and mom, no_go:)

Edited by Cookiesandough
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normal person

I never settled, so I am still single. It's that simple. It's a lot of it just who I am and not anyone else's fault. But I've never felt bad about it and you shouldn't either. If you find your guy, fantastic, and enjoy it for as long as it is more fun than not. But if you don't, you're probably going to be overall happier on your own. Just be sure, Cookies, that you have something in your life that you can passionately focus on, a career, an attainable lifestyle with hobbies, pursuing higher education, whatever, because you want to be a happy single person and not an unhappy one. Bottom line, if you're happy, whatever it is that makes you happy, that's all that really matters in life. Doesn't matter if you get there the easy way or the hard way. Just get happy.

 

Good post. When this stuff comes up I think about my friend who's very much the opposite of me: he needs relationships, constant attention, etc. He hasn't been single since high school and he's married now. Here's the problem: when you do as he does and prioritize relationships over your primary purpose in life, whatever it is, you're likely denying yourself a good chance to develop and become a useful, fulfilled, productive, self-reliant person. My friend is talented, he could've had a great career doing something he loves if he didn't spend the latter half of his teens and all his 20s just "hanging out" with his girlfriend and now wife. Had he spent that time working on his craft, developing a great career, he'd be much happier, but he's miserable now because he's ineffectual as a man, complacent in his marriage, now having a crisis, feeling like his time has passed him by and never really did what he wanted to do. Well, he's right. He's made really bad decisions and now has to lie in the bed he's made.

 

My other friend put his head down, knew what he needed to do, got a nice degree in medicine, waited until he was secure and successful and then got married. His life is pretty perfect. I've spent my time wisely building a business and a foundation for my life and I'm just now ready to think about having a serious girlfriend and getting married. I wouldn't have been ready earlier because if I had my time siphoned off to someone else, I would not be the person I am now. I wouldn't be as successful, I'd be insecure about it, and to compound things, all the time spent with someone else would prevent me from fixing those things.

 

The point is that I really think you need to be happy and successful as an individual before you find someone to complement your life. If your primary purpose in life becomes only "to be in a relationship," then you're bound to end up desiring more from your existence at some point.

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Normal Person, I agree 100% with you. Most of us, have a path other than just finding a mate, but there's so much emphasis places on that (and sexual urgency of course) that it simply derails a lot of lives and stops people from reaching their potential, especially women because childbirth will shut down whatever path the woman was on previously unless she is unusually determined not to let that happen. If a person's main dream is to have a family, then that's fine. That's their path. But a lot of people just end up on that path and realize too late they derailed their lives.

 

Everyone should get out in the world and see what's out there and develop well before setting down, in my opinion. If you can do that with a mate, that's great, but once kids come, most people I know are living their kids' lives, not their own and the saddest of them try to live their dreams through them, which never works.

 

But there's apparently a lot of people who just feel they can't be on their own comfortably for different reasons. They're just different. You just have to hope they get lucky and find a good one.

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Eh I'm ready for commitment, yes. Just my life is set except this.

 

But I was very noncommittal in my 20s. How old are you? I think for me the switch was in my very late twenties, before I couldn't tolerate even going on a date let alone a relationship. I enjoyed my solitude.

 

Oh, to interact with others you just need to be brave enough to take risks and expose your real self. Otherwise it is just... nothing. Superficial interactions that lead to nowhere.

 

Tysm for insight, everyone

 

Wow no_go. You're like the antithesis me in so many ways!!! So you are sort of looking for someone to share hard times and deeper subjects with. That makes sense.

 

I don't know why but much of what you said fills me with intense fear. What if you unravel someone and don't like what you've unraveled? Then you're stuck in an unhappy place because you can't abandon them

 

 

I think you'll make a great wife and mom, no_go:)

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I have had a total of 4 relationships since I was 15. All three were with bisexual women, my wife and our shared girlfriend included. We were not monogamous and I have had a few thousand threesomes over 47 years. So a serious relationship does not have to be what you describe. It is what you think a relationship is, not me or many others. We never viewed ourselves as half of a couple, although many do. We never felt that we owned each other's bodies, so we had sex with others at times.

 

The only part you got right was that we did want to spend as much time together as we could. I am guessing that you were never in love. Love makes you want to spend as much time as possible with your partner. It enables you to overlook each other's faults and everything they say is fascinating. That is not bad because it is what those in love want. You make it sound like it is forced upon people against their will. Nope, it is something that is desired and if you ever loved someone, really loved, you would know this. When you are in love you can get a feeling of warmth and excitement even by just thinking about the object of your love. Sex releases the hormone Oxytocin which emotionally bonds a couple together making you feel even closer.

 

You are looking at relationships as an outsider, perhaps you are unable to have one or had one that did not work. Your viewpoint is assuming that the couple does not want and enjoy doing all those things you mentioned. News flash, they enjoy doing those things and get pleasure from doing it. The real danger is much later on when the romantic love wears off and you see each other's faults and no longer feel a rush just thinking about the other. There are stages of passion, each with its own kind of love.

 

I agree that there is a danger of viewing yourself as half of a couple as I said above. The danger is that you expect your spouse/partner to satisfy all of your needs and when they cannot, as no one person can, you are unhappy and may cheat or just withdraw from your mate. You end up taking each other for granted. You no longer feel desirable as you did during your courtship and romantic love phase.

 

When we married we saw a failed system. One that failed 50% of the time. I do not care what anyone says, you cannot defend marriage as society defines it. It would be like defending an airline whose planes crash half of the time. What can you say other than that if you are on a plane that does not crash, it is a good experience? All others not so much.

 

You are describing a relationship as you see it without experiencing the feelings that make what you consider a negative, a positive for those in love. Someday when you fall deeply in love, you will understand that what your think is torture is only so because that is how you viewed it.

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I was single for many years before meeting my boyfriend (I either didn't put myself out there enough or just had bad luck) so I think I'm qualified to answer. I have had enough "freedom" and I don't have the urge to sleep with many people or move to another continent on a whim anyway, so I don't really feel like I am somehow restrained. When you both work, have some hobbies and friends then you spend at least some time apart anyway. In fact, I feel like I have more freedom in planning vacations, concerts, weekend getaways etc now when I have the person for whom I am the first priority and with whom I have similar preferences. Yes, you can go alone, but I got tired of it. Yes, you can do all these things with friends but as you get older, they have their own partners, families and responsibilities that come first and they don't plan their whole free time around friends even when you're good friends.

 

I enjoy intimate connection and having a shared little world of our own, intimate space, silly inside jokes etc. It feels safe and it feels like home. I am introverted and I don't enjoy thrill of dating and meeting new people, I only saw it as means of finding the actual connection with someone. It's not that I can't manage my life on my own, but it just feels so much better with someone on your side.

 

I wish you luck, I know all the dating woes very well and I hope you find what makes you happy.

Edited by bene
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Yes but with school, work, even a child(as wrong as it sounds) there's something people gain from it. With a child, you have something that is part of you or something to nuture. Is that why people get serious relationships? To have something to love and take care of?

 

[...]

 

I see what Gaeta is saying and I agree.. Different people are wired differently.

 

I have to admit that I'm a relationship person, and I just came back from a large country wedding that extended over a number of barns where more or less the whole town was present. So my own perspective may be inherently different than yours.

 

I never considered long-term relationships in the sense that I started to look for them with an LTR explicitly in mind. It's just that women grew on me. The sex actually got better the better I got to know them, life became very relaxed, and I enjoyed life with them more and more. Plus being that close to somebody gives you a different perspective on life, it forces viewpoints upon you that may not be your own, but may be worth considering nonetheless. My last girlfriend was Hispanic, and just to be submerged into that culture gave me insights I otherwise wouldn't have had, because you get to know the other person really, really well. I still miss debating economical or political issues with her. I can still tell where all my girlfriends have left impressions on me in the way I think, adding to what is otherwise distinctly my own.

 

Plus there are very mundane benefits, somebody to back you up, and if you live together you can split chores, split bills and such. I also don't have to date strangers, which is a big plus for me.

 

So yes, it is ultimately a way of spending time with somebody you love.

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Weren't you married for a long time cookie?

 

Anyway, getting married just to have a baby to love is just asking for trouble.

The way it's suppose to work is you fall in love and love that person so much you just wanna have your life with them and , maybe a family with them too of you want kids.

it is a beautiful thing if it's the way it's meant to be but doesn't mean it's all roses that's lala land, there'll be lots or hard times and trials.

 

l love it though if it's right, l'd prefer it any day. The life together, the fun it can be, the companionship, having at least one person on the planet that really really knows the real you.the partner in crime , in your corner, share life with , having that depth with that one person in the world.

this is why l'm always gobsmacked when l read people saying oh it's a regular sex supply or some sht .

Yaknow, get married or in heavy with someone just for that, again , asking for trouble, wouldn't know wth anyone would go into a relationship just for that , wayyyyyy too much work andddd, same partner day in day out.

Doesn't make sense.

think people saying stuff like that must've never really been in love or had a real relationship.

 

Butttttttt, l too notice others in marriage or long term now , and l often do not envy them one little bit. Some l see l do , for sure , but most l'm sorta thankful l'm not in something messed up and stuck like they are, and reallllllly thankful l don't have to sleep with their wife every night too.

Or you might envy the family they seem to have and mostly their life in many ways , but if you look at the couple themselves , often l'm thankful again l don't have to sleep with them every night or are they even that close anymore or whatever.

You often see some couples where life is all the family and just life , there's not much them in there. Which is how raising and family and the mortgage life can be for sure but there's a difference with many.

 

l often have a secret chuckle at one of my brothers.

He's been stuck in this thing 20yrs , yet he doesn't even seem to like her.

It's he's own stupid damn fault though he should've got out of it yrs ago .

He lives up the country she works and lives part time down the city and part time up at his place and as soon as she's back up he's a different person. And often with in hours if l happen to see him he'll be mumbling something about her under his breath and it won't be a compliment either. Or straight out swearing and cursing. Or out driving round because he doesn't wanna go home.

l know all the signs with him these days so l'll know when she's back up and it's all started again. She's a psycho .

Yet , 20 yrs, he's still in it.

There's another spin on it too, years ago she wanted to get married and have a family but he wouldn't so he still gets all this non stop guilt trippin from her about that daily too.

 

Or my other brother now has this girl in the Philippines pregnant m that's gonna be fun. He's been goin over a 3 times a year for her awhile now but he's not really in love with her. Now he's dumped himself into this sitch, good luck with that.

 

lt can be the best life imo, if it's the way it should be , but if it isn't more often than not then yeah, l'd rather sit it out solo for sure.

Edited by Chilli
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I think you really have to listen to your instincts about what you really want from a relationship. For me, I wanted to be able to feel completely open physically and emotionally with my partner. How else is that going to work except in the context of an LTR? I did find that once - in college, believe it or not - but overall, a young man being relationship-minded is considered by women to be the most unattractive and “boring” thing ever.

 

I wanted to get to know a woman over time and grow a connection but that did nothing but land me in friendzones. I hated the initial meeting/attraction part of dating, I was terrible at it and eventually became totally beaten down. Then an LTR became my only hope of having even a remote chance of making up for my singlehood inadequacies.

 

I still think my instinct was in the right place - just a matter of poor execution. The reason I wish I had been better at attracting women is so I could have had more of a choice of whom to marry. So I guess I’m just a relationship guy.

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ahh l dunno about that. l was in a 3yr relationship in late teens , and again right through 20s.and the girls def' wanted one.

Just shallow college chicks more like it.

 

Anyway don't be so down on yourself. You don't have to be a chick magnet, most married people only had one or two gf's or bf's before they met, many none and are nothing special at all.

You only need in the door with that special one you meet , you'll know her when you see her.

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