What's the Difference Between Losing the Spark, and Being Comfortable...

[babybear]

I've been in a relationship for 3 years now. It's been going through a lot of changes lately. During our relationship we went through college, graduated, found jobs, and now I am going to graduate school. So, we really have developed and grown alot. Sometimes we go out to dinner, or we sit at home, and we don't really talk. I feel like we don't really excite each other. He doesn't gaze at me across the table - I don't wear slinky outfits for him anymore. We're like an old married couple. Have we lost the spark? I feel immense love for him, but I don't know if I feel the passion, and I wonder if I am supposed to feel that kind of passion still. But still, we have great admiration and respect for one another, and would do anything for each other.

 

If this is how we are at 3 years, would we survive marriage?

[quankanne]

marriage is a funny beast: some days you're perfectly thrilled to be with your mate because he/she turns you on in every way. Other days, you just want to choke the snot out of him/her. That's about 36 percent of the time, and not always equally. The rest of the time, you're peacefully co-existing, just content to be with that person.

 

if the two of you are marriage-bound, don't focus on the excitement/boredom aspect, but look at it as, "can I can say 'yes' about him when I ask myself each morning, 'do I want to be married to him?'

 

meaning, you life flows together rather well, with the usual high points and low spots, and you know it's where you want to be for the foreseeable future!

 

another thing to keep in mind is that even though you've been with a person for many years, you still have much to learn about him/her. And often, it's a happy learning experience.

 

hope this helps some!

q

[HokeyReligions]

Quank is spot-on (as usual).

 

After 20+ years of marriage (and going through a very comfortable 'slump') I do things to encourage the 'spark' for both of us. I always brush my hair and put on lipstick and take the shine off my face (and pop an Altoids) before I come home from work and see him. I started doing that when I felt much the same way you described and it helped BOTH of us still be comfortable, but also feel that romantic spark. Without really saying anything, he began to comb his hair and put a shirt on when I came home too so that we didn't look all rumpled and tuckered when we first see each other after 10 hours. Its a small thing, but has an impact on how we show we still care and respect each other. I recently started smoking again (I know, I shouldn't---but I did) and whenever we are close (watching TV or whatever, I'll pop a 'toids so that he doesn't smell the smoke, and when we swim I bring some mints out to the pool so I can have one if we decide to get romantic in the water hmm, sounds like I have a bad-breath fetish!) It's just another small thing that is appreciated. I don't like kissing someone or being close and breathing stale breath and he doesn't either. It may sound silly, but sometimes the little things make a big difference.

 

Why don't you wear slinky dresses anymore? Maybe you would feel better too if you did. Its not just for him -- its for both of you.

[quankanne]

I always brush my hair and put on lipstick

 

interestingly enough, when you'd first posted that long, long ago, I thought, the lipstick thing doesn't sound too bad. And I started doing that, not just when I'm on my way somewhere or going home with hubby waiting, but whenever it crossed my mind. And you know what, it gives you a bit of a mental edge, because you start thinking about feeling pretty … and I am not the kind who does stuff like that, I'm happiest when I'm grungy. So yeah, that helps you keep a bit of romance alive, just like wearing your slinky stuff (though I thought Hokey wrote "stinky" dresses when I first read through her post! It's way past my bedtime!)

 

and pop an Altoids

 

"How To Make Yer Man Squeal," by Monica Lewinsky …