Men letting you go because they know they aren't making you happy

[rie39]

I'd like to know your opinions on this.

 

After a lot of reflecting about my past I've noticed this happened with both of my past boyfriends.

 

With both of them, I loved them extremely and they loved me extremely but it still didn't work out. A major reason it didn't work was because I would be patient and stay with them when they did things that hurt me, but they weren't changing those things that hurt me. Now thing is, I always thought if a man really loves a woman he will improve himself if he realises he is doing something she isn't happy with, to make it work with her. He'll do anything to be with her. And I was (especially with the second boyfriend) in really passionate, intense relationships, so I'm confused here.

 

With both guys, they eventually accepted a breakup because they didn't want to hurt me anymore and felt I deserved better.

 

I'm left thinking could they have just tried to be better for the sake of staying with me?

 

I just really have a strong belief that if a man loves a woman and vice versa so passionately it should've worked out because the man would have done anything to make it work with the woman (and same goes for the woman). Or is this not quite accurate to believe...

Edited August 15, 2017 by rie39

[central]

People don't change easily, even when they want to. Some manage it to some degree, but most do not.

 

 

Love is NOT enough. Compatibility is absolutely necessary for long term success. Inability to change in a necessary way is incompatibility. I will also say that these men who recognize that they cannot change (or don't want to change), showed integrity by breaking up, rather than selfishly using you.

[rie39]

Yeah, that makes total sense.

 

It's just really hard for me because when I fall in love, I really really fall hard, and would fight til the end to make it work with that person. Even if I was upset by certain things they did I'd still want to keep trying to make it work because my love is so large. I feel alone in that :/

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with central. Most of the time, people put themselves and their needs before romantic love. It's just the way we are, I think. So yes, they could love you, but they can't be with you for practical reasons that are more important to them. Happens all the time.

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah, that makes total sense.

 

It's just really hard for me because when I fall in love, I really really fall hard, and would fight til the end to make it work with that person. Even if I was upset by certain things they did I'd still want to keep trying to make it work because my love is so large. I feel alone in that :/

 

I am the same! It's like about priorities and most people just don't prioritize it that way, unfortunately.

[Larryville]

I just really have a strong belief that if a man loves a woman and vice versa so passionately it should've worked out because the man would have done anything to make it work with the woman (and same goes for the woman). Or is this not quite accurate to believe...

 

With both of them, I loved them extremely and they loved me extremely..

 

I would be curious to know what your definition of “love” is and why did you think they loved you “extremely” (to a very great degree; very)

 

You don’t love someone by degrees, meaning I love him or her 80% 93% 140% - you just love

 

Did you misread obvious signs that these dudes truly did not love you?

Like, a guy will only listen to the woman he loves… really listens, one example.

 

When he does not… he doesn't remember things you tell him, compares you to other women, avoids physical contact, doesn't have respect for things that are important to you, uninterested in solving problems.

 

Guys can often be very stubborn sometimes. And in a lot of relationships (or pseudo-relationships) rather guys may not take the women they're fraternizing with seriously. Because they simply don’t respect you. And no guy can ever love anyone they don’t respect.

 

A man who has experienced true love knows how valuable and hard-to-find such a thing is and won’t give it up easily, but two dudes you claim “loved you extremely” things did not work out. I would do some self-examination or else it will keep happening, unless I’m completely missing something.

[CptInsano]

Yeah, that makes total sense.

 

It's just really hard for me because when I fall in love, I really really fall hard, and would fight til the end to make it work with that person. Even if I was upset by certain things they did I'd still want to keep trying to make it work because my love is so large. I feel alone in that :/

 

Yes, I can very much see that. I've had to break up with a woman who loved like that more than once. You know more and more each day that it cannot work out, but she only holds on more tightly. And the end the breaking up feels like a betrayal of your own feelings and her love, but you know deep inside yourself and that it is better this way than hurting each other more and more each day.

 

There is a high price to pay for overlooking core compatibility issues in the beginning.

[Larryville]

There is a high price to pay for overlooking core compatibility issues in the beginning.

 

Someone please explain how you do this, I'm missing something.

[2much4]

Being in a relationship with someone who wants you to change doesn't feel good. It makes you feel like the bad guy. It makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

Why change for someone if you can find someone who loves you just the way you are?

 

I wouldn't want to date someone who has much higher standards than I have. It's tiring and emotionally draining.

[CptInsano]

Someone please explain how you do this, I'm missing something.

 

I can give you an example if you like. I've dated women who were both older and younger than I. At first the age gap was easy to ignore, even though I knew better. In one case it came to an end when she wanted children while I was still in college.

 

It didn't mean that we didn't love each other, but we were suddenly in different life stages.

[Larryville]

CPT Thanks for the explanation, maybe because I’m older (but married very young 20) the two women I married I pretty much knew I was going to marry them.

 

Now post-divorce number two in the world of OLD, I guess I am so preoccupied with finding that right person I can’t afford to overlook core compatibility issues, to the point of being OCD about it.

 

Love is NOT enough. Compatibility is absolutely necessary for long term success. Inability to change in a necessary way is incompatibility.

 

There are so many threads where people voice them not settling and doing so runs the risk of you being lonely long term. However I just don’t see how someone overlooks the basics (being younger maybe, we all have a learning curve) does that in this in today's world.

[rie39]

I would be curious to know what your definition of “love” is and why did you think they loved you “extremely” (to a very great degree; very)

 

You don’t love someone by degrees, meaning I love him or her 80% 93% 140% - you just love

 

Did you misread obvious signs that these dudes truly did not love you?

Like, a guy will only listen to the woman he loves… really listens, one example.

 

When he does not… he doesn't remember things you tell him, compares you to other women, avoids physical contact, doesn't have respect for things that are important to you, uninterested in solving problems.

 

Guys can often be very stubborn sometimes. And in a lot of relationships (or pseudo-relationships) rather guys may not take the women they're fraternizing with seriously. Because they simply don’t respect you. And no guy can ever love anyone they don’t respect.

 

A man who has experienced true love knows how valuable and hard-to-find such a thing is and won’t give it up easily, but two dudes you claim “loved you extremely” things did not work out. I would do some self-examination or else it will keep happening, unless I’m completely missing something.

 

I'm confused, so Larryville is sort of implying that maybe my past boyfriends didn't love me well enough or respect me enough, e.g. if they didn't listen to me properly or choose me in the end from realising my love is rare. But other answers say love isn't enough and imply that they may have loved me but it was an issue with compatibility, or with priorities...?

 

It hurt a little reading this answer haha. I don't want to think that they didn't love me or respect me! I maybe felt there were some issues with them listening to me, but that doesn't mean they didn't love me imo.

 

What sort of self-examination are you suggesting?

[rie39]

Being in a relationship with someone who wants you to change doesn't feel good. It makes you feel like the bad guy. It makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

Why change for someone if you can find someone who loves you just the way you are?

 

I wouldn't want to date someone who has much higher standards than I have. It's tiring and emotionally draining.

 

Yes and I want to improve on that if it's a fault on mine. However the actual thing I was asking them to change was in my opinion reasonable. E.g. the second guy kept bringing up things I did in the past that he didn't approve of. I asked him to stop doing that because every time he did it I actually got depressed and would overthink about my mistakes and start hating my past. He couldn't help bringing it up though.

[Whodatdog]

People are who they are. Theres no point in them "trying to be better" because they always revert to the mean. Ive always thought that when someone breaks up with the "you deserve better" line, its because they just dont care enough to stay with you.

 

If they did, they would.

[Larryville]

What sort of self-examination are you suggesting?

 

R39 now knowing how old you are and what type of family environment you grew up in, sometimes we have to examine what each of us determine what exactly “love” means to each of us. Also something I mention often, “What were your relationship role models growing up?”

 

the second guy kept bringing up things I did in the past that he didn't approve of.

 

That is a classic example of what a guy would say who did NOT love you, yet you described:

 

I loved them extremely and they loved me extremely

 

This does not make sense to me, this maybe an example of what CPT points out when he says:

 

“overlooking core compatibility issues”

 

However you can’t do that unless you know exactly you want in a relationship, your “must-haves” and knowing what you will and will not tolerate from men.

[smackie9]

If you feel you have to change for them, or they have to change for you, then you are with the wrong person. That is what dating is all about...you are trying them on for size....if it doesn't fit you put it back on the rack and don't invest in it. Make sense?

 

Now when they change and start treating you like crap, that means things have ran their course, the honeymoon phase is over, and it's not working out. Just let them go.

[Ajax]

I was in a relationship with a women a few years ago with whom I was very much in love. We were together for over a year. But I did things she just didn't "like."

 

I was a hunter. She wanted me to stop hunting.

 

I fished. She wanted me to stop fishing.

 

I went to spend a day with my family every few weeks. She thought I spent too much time with them.

 

I went to church. She thought that was silly.

 

She was a runner. I tried it for months, but hated it, so I stopped.

 

I purchased hundreds of dollars worth of ski equipment to learn to ski for her.

 

Anyway, to be with her and try to make her "happy," I started to give up the activities and people I enjoyed and attempted to take on the more "approved of" hobbies and people.

 

But of course the more of myself I gave up, the less me I became. She may have been happier, but I became increasingly unhappy. It became apparent that even though I loved her, she didn't love the real me. She loved the idealized fictional version of me she was trying to will into reality. When I realized this, I realized that to be together only one of us could really be happy at one time. That's no way to be in a relationship, and no way to live your life.

 

When I left, it hurt us both, but our relationship was unsustainable.

 

That's just my example. You're right that relationships have to involve a certain degree of compromise to work. People are always going to have certain hope and expectations which won't be met, but we do the best we can. There comes a point though, where no matter how much you love someone, you just can't give up any more of yourself to make it work. They either accept you or they don't.

[Larryville]

I was in a relationship with a women a few years ago with whom I was very much in love. We were together for over a year. But I did things she just didn't "like."

I was a hunter. She wanted me to stop hunting.

I fished. She wanted me to stop fishing.

I went to spend a day with my family every few weeks. She thought I spent too much time with them.

I went to church. She thought that was silly.

She was a runner. I tried it for months, but hated it, so I stopped.

I purchased hundreds of dollars worth of ski equipment to learn to ski for her.

Anyway, to be with her and try to make her "happy," I started to give up the activities and people I enjoyed and attempted to take on the more "approved of" hobbies and people.

 

This was what I was talking about when I said I did not understand how this happens in the age of OLD.

 

In an OLD profile women who are serious about finding a compatible partner does not put in her profile:

 

“Ask Me” or put one of two lines of nothing. They spell out what they are looking for, what they want, what they don’t want.

 

I guess this is the difference with meeting IRL. You fall for the exterior and figure you will make it work.

[fieldoflavender]

Sometimes people tell you they will change but they actually won't and it would make them upset if they do. Sometimes it's negative traits that would take years to change and they don't really want to change.

 

My ex relied on his family for financial dependence as well as emotional dependence. He didn't want to admit this, lied around it, and denied it like no tomorrow. But in the end, that came out in the end. And it spelled out our doom because I didn't want someone like that.

 

He was also very weak. Could have suited some other girl - but I kept thinking he would change. But he never did. He continued running away from his problems until the end of break-up.

 

Maybe once upon a time we loved each other, but there was no way he was going to change. And I couldn't love the person he still was. So we were simply not compatible. Even with those traits and all his money I'm sure there's a girl out there who would superficial or even genuinely care about him. That girl was and is not me.

[preraph]

No. A lot of people would rather break up than have to change. Be glad they let you go.

 

Stop trying to fix a broken one and try to find one that doesn't need fixing.

[basil67]

With both guys, they eventually accepted a breakup because they didn't want to hurt me anymore and felt I deserved better.

 

Rie, I'm going on a different tangent to the others. When someone says this, I translate it to "I'm sick and tired of you being unhappy with me and I'm going to find someone who loves me for who I am". At least, it's how I would word a dumping of someone was on my case because they were unhappy with me.

 

What really stands out to me in your posts is that you've got yourself on a pretty high pedestal there. As if you and your love are special and rare things and a man should change himself in order to continue earning them. Thing is, you are no more special than anyone else. We are all flawed and ordinary and you are no different. I would highly recommend you bringing yourself back down to earth.

 

You would do well to remember that love goes both ways. You're all about expecting them to change if they want your love enough. I could equally turn it around and say that if you loved these men as deeply as you proclaimed to, you would love them for who they are and not need them to be making changes for you.

 

It's time to come down to earth and realise that if you loved them truly, you would not have driven them away with your demands for change.

[Popsicle]

I'm with Larryville. If he really loved you he'd move mountains. I've seen it.

 

And I would move mountains for him too. If I'm the only one willing to do that, then it's not mutual love.

Edited August 15, 2017 by Popsicle

[alphamale]

With both guys, they eventually accepted a breakup because they didn't want to hurt me anymore and felt I deserved better.

that's the oldest male trick in the books...greatest excuse to bang a chick for a while and then move on guilt-free

[Seriousperson]

that's the oldest male trick in the books...greatest excuse to bang a chick for a while and then move on guilt-free

 

Yes very true, I have had this used on me more then once. Anything of this nature is just an excuse. A person who truly cares for you isn't going to give up easily.

[basil67]

Yes very true, I have had this used on me more then once. Anything of this nature is just an excuse. A person who truly cares for you isn't going to give up easily.

 

What if their requests for change are things you think are unreasonable or unwarranted? Doesn't there come a point where you'd walk away?