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Health Scare: Tackling a new wrinkle in dating process...


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Hey everybody, have no posted for a while recovering from a major open heart surgery I had back in April.

 

Without going into deep details had a quintuple bypass surgery, was off work for 3 months (thank goodness for health insurance).

 

My question is simple, obviously because of the recovery meeting people has not been an option, I’m still having some difficulties and frankly it will be awhile before I am 100% if I even can get back to 100%.

 

When and how do you broach this subject? What details do you divulge? Obviously you can’t stay silent and you can’t hide the scar on your chest if any relationship develops to that point of comfort.

 

From the ladies standpoint (and I’m older, so I’m not trying to date anyone that much younger) how would you feel or react to a guy who told you of a major health issue. I am rehabbing and working on getting better. I won’t be running marathons anytime soon, need to eat better. I am down 25 pounds since the surgery and people who have not seen me in a long time say I look great (too bad I don’t feel that great)

 

I remember sitting while recovering and thinking that this health scare changes everything. To be honest I should be dead. I’m back at work and thinking about starting over with this dating process, but do I or should I even bother. I’m not looking for anyone to take care of me but it is exactly what some may think.

 

I get younger people won’t understand, but maybe the older folks here may know of someone recovering from a major health scare. I don’t nor will I turn into a convalescent but I know the game has changed for me now, how do I pursue.

 

Peace

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GorillaTheater

I don't have any advice to offer Larry, but I'm glad you're still with us and I hope your recovery is about complete.

 

 

You know, going a few rounds with A Fib and this and that myself, I have to imagine that women our age generally wouldn't be put off. A lot of us have or are starting to deal with some kind of health issue.

 

 

Getting older isn't for sissies.

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thefooloftheyear

Agree with the others...and glad you are coming around..

 

I don't see much issue in it...heck, they do these things now almost on a routine basis..I'm about your age, no issues yet...

 

I watched a video of a guy recently that looked around 40-45....He did a very strict 800lb plus squat.....And he had 2 knee replacements!!

 

 

I guess the only potential issue you may have is of you can't have sex...One of my guys is in that boat...Dr says no sex, until he can pass some testing..(he has serious heart issues)....he does have a gf and tells me he manages to get it done...mostly on his back....I didn't ask for the details...:laugh:.

 

I would think that might be something you have to disclose...Otherwise, nothing else would or should be so dramatic...I would think...

 

Be nice to hear some honest responses from the ladies here..

 

TFY

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Agree with one of the previous posters...if you're dating in your age bracket, they know that health issues come with the territory. Keep confidence in yourself and I bet the ladies will, too.

 

Also agree with the poster that mentioned the sex issue. If you truly can't have sex (like, of any kind), then I do think you have to consider how to broach that subject before a woman becomes too invested.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I can only give my insight as a younger-than-this woman, but not young, and not with a young man.

 

About six (?) years ago I dated a man who was older than me....I was not quite 40 and he was about 47 or 48? Can't quite remember.

 

It wasn't his age, though, or mine, that had anything to do with....anything.

 

He had M.S.

 

I didn't know this until maybe our 3rd or 4th date, when he very dramatically revealed his "big secret" to me. (Don't do this.....the buildup will make women think you have HIV or something).

 

I can't say his M.S. was THE reason our relationship did not last, but I will say it affected me. My kids were tweens at that time, we were active with hiking, etc., and I just could not really imagine him melding into what we had (he was never married/no kids) and being able to keep up with us. Also nagging at me was the long term care I'd have to potentially provide and the fact that he had NEVER in his life (despite being educated) had more than a pretty much minimum wage job due to his artistic aspirations. No health insurance.

 

He was, hands down, the most kind man I've ever been with or ever even met. I have zero hard feelings toward him and respect him so much <3. BUT, the illness definitely was a factor to the point of the purpose of this thread.

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BUT, the illness definitely was a factor to the point of the purpose of this thread.

 

I guess the only potential issue you may have is of you can't have sex...

 

I didn't know this until maybe our 3rd or 4th date, when he very dramatically revealed his "big secret" to me. (Don't do this.....the buildup will make women think you have HIV or something).

 

Thank you for the responses.

 

All thru the recovery this really has bothered me significantly.

 

Without going into a lot of details, there was a lady who I did date for a time, was really into me and I called her to tell her that I was not going to be able to meet her because I was in hospital.

She immediately came to the hospital and seriously helped me during my hospital stage even posting FB updates to family and friends on my progress, this was extraordinarily valuable because my closest family and friends live on either coast. But she became obsessive even deleting old friends from FB and deleting friends off my phone (did not know this until I was out hospital)

 

She became obsessive and assumed that my situation was ripe for her to forge a relationship. I had to have her back away. While we are still “friendly” she does not come around anymore.

 

Point being I don’t want anyone to take care of me, as I said I don’t want to come across as convalescent or needing someone. My entire perspective has changed as far as the type of individual I want in this new chapter in life.

 

On the sex part, actually that was a precursor to this heart attack so I was already conscious of this fact before the attack.

 

I don’t want to keep anything from anybody, NO “big secrets” but I do realize that women around my age don’t want to be with dude who is fat, lazy, dealing with health issues because they don’t want to waste their golden years taking care of someone.

 

Older women are more independent than ever before, financially secure, travel much more and frankly don’t need men to be satisfied with life.

 

Sorry I’m all over the map with this but before when I was posting on here focusing on the pitfalls of OLD and navigating the dating waters that seemed like such a big deal but now my perspective has seriously changed, that seems like such a minor issue now.

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  • 1 month later...

I only know one guy that was dating that had a health scare, but I think it was a little different because he was very well off so more worried about being taken advantage off.

 

 

By the way, have you had a history of blood pressure medication use?

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By the way, have you had a history of blood pressure medication use?

 

Yes I did, even way back when I was married. Not to mention I had a “significant” family history of heart disease.

 

Just like anything else health related, it’s preventable. ALL of the warning signs were there.

 

There is absolutely no better predictor (when you get into your 40”s plus) than when your performance in the bedroom starts to suffer. And NO the little blue pill is NOT a solution!;)

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You'll need to find a strong, secure woman who knows how to be supportive without helicoptering and trying to be the nurturer. As we age, health issues are just part of the dating world. If you are not looking to marry, a relationship is possible. Older women can take care of themselves and don't usually want anyone to take care of them.

 

And, the reality of dating as an older member of the dating pool, sexual "issues" are also a frequent reality. Older women who have accepted their age understand that men their age have issues related to aging Plain and Simple. As we age, sex doesn't have to be nor is it often the wild, passionate event it used to be. If you are dating an older woman who does enjoy sex and you cannot have intercourse, your willingness to be open-minded and explore with her/for her, will be appreciated. If you are not interested in sex at all, then you'll need to find someone who isn't either.

 

There are older women out there who aren't living their reality. Their hopes and expectations are skewed, perhaps, by her lack of ability to accept where they are in her lives. You need to find an older woman who does and who can accept a man for who he is, the way he is.

 

In the end, you just want companionship. That's not a bad thing as long as you both are happy with that.

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I dated a man who had had prostate cancer and the side effect you can imagine which made medication a requirement for intimacy.

 

I thought this man was so attractive I didn't care. I would say he was a decently attractive man, smart, good job, friendly, so maybe he had some extra stuff going for him, but I guess what I'm getting at is when a person is attracted to another person, they don't care about stuff like that. I was 37 and he was 56.

 

Ultimately he didn't want to be with me and I was sad about that. But us not being together was certainly not because of my response to his health situation.

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I dated a man who had had prostate cancer and the side effect you can imagine which made medication a requirement for intimacy.

 

I thought this man was so attractive I didn't care. I would say he was a decently attractive man, smart, good job, friendly, so maybe he had some extra stuff going for him, but I guess what I'm getting at is when a person is attracted to another person, they don't care about stuff like that. I was 37 and he was 56.

 

Ultimately he didn't want to be with me and I was sad about that. But us not being together was certainly not because of my response to his health situation.

 

Hmmm...I dated someone who fits this description to a "T". Wonder if it was the same man. He'd be 58 now.

 

Larry, we're at the age now (I'm 53 as well) where health issues are becoming a factor in our lives. If you click with someone during the dating process, then as Mossy stated, your partner won't care. If they do, then they probably would have bolted at the first sign of health trouble anyway.

 

Don't let this hinder your desire to find a partner. She is out there for you.

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In fact, someone did tell me this same thing only recently. We had been out of touch for a while and had had some issues before as he gets a bit domineering so I did not realise he had been ill. When he told me, my first feeling was relief he had come through it. I felt sad he'd had such a trauma. He is very fit and this must have been a total shock.

 

It would not have put me off him. Unfortunately the domineering aspects did. It's a shame because he was trying to be kind but was too forceful.

 

I think it's best to be honest and to mention it as soon as possible. I do this now with my health problems and it saves so much hassle. People will either accept it or not and you will find out before you start to build a relationship with them. As others have said, most mature posters will have experienced some kind of health issues for themselves or in their family and will realise it is part and parcel of relationships.

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You are far too young to give up on the thought of finding another relationship.

 

Focus on getting your health back, and then I'm sure you will find a lovely woman who will feel fortunate to have you in her life.

 

Best wishes.

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