Ghosting with a twist (or just possibly same old ghosting) :(

[Tkuhn]

Hi Guys

 

I'm a long time reader first time poster so hopefully you can take it easy on me And I do apologise for the length of what you are about to read, at the very least I'll get some sort of catharsis just by writing down all these thoughts swirling in my head!

 

I don't usually write much about feelings or such, as a British Asian man I have been trained to repress and repress well. But, not being a prolific dater (due to work mostly) I wanted to some advice as to how I should handle my first recent ghosting experience

 

I met a cute and smart girl on a dating app that I use infrequently and we seemed to really hit it off. In fact she asked me out for a drink and I was taken aback but of course I said yes ( I was going to ask in the next message but she beat me to the punch). So it seemed like a good sign.

 

Anyway we began speaking on the Sunday and after moving over to whatsapp, agreed to meet last Friday 30th June. Not sure if people agree, but I thought it was a good sign that we had almost constant chat throughout the week

 

Date night arrives and we meet up for drinks. We really hit it off, we had so much to talk about. We actually made each other laugh (the hurt your lungs and ribs type). I dare say it was the best date I've ever had, that includes the first dates I had with my two longest relationships (2 and 3 years respectively).

 

Closed the bar down and on the way to our respective Uber's exchanged a kiss (I'm not usually a first date kiss kind of guy but this seemed like a great conclusion). We texted more on the way home and she suggested meeting up on Sunday for lunch as she was working on nights then, she is a nurse. Not too sound too keen I waited till a good few hours before date number two on Sunday to ask her if she was still ok to meet up? … No Reply but the damned two blue ticks on whatsapp.

 

Sunday evening was spent in a pretty crappy mood, yet I still had hope. On Monday I dropped her a message asking if she still wanted to meet up (the first date went so well, I took the punt) and she replied saying the shifts were brutal but she'd love to meet up and would check her rota that night to let me know also she dropped in a question of how my week was going which made it seem more genuine. All those who have experienced ghosting are probably shouting at me like in a panto right now!

 

Tuesday nothing. By this point I was disillusioned, didn't know what had happened and it started to affect my day massively, I was just in a general stupor and funk. Luckily (for once) I work long hours so I threw myself into work. On Wednesday, after having spent the first part of the week constantly checking my whatsapp and waiting anxiously for any message, I was down and out. The lack of closure was painful. Then I found out about ghosting, but I didn't want to believe it; she was a very nice girl, and she was the one who wanted to arrange the second date. Once reality sunk in, I figured the best way to get a semblance of closure was to send her a message. It took many re writes to get something coherent and amicable. Generally speaking it read: "It was great to meet you, thought we had a lot in common, kinda sucks the way you acted, which is unfortunate because you seem like a great person have a good week"

 

Sent the message Weds evening and deleted the chat as per advice from here. Closure had been achieved, but then she messaged back very apologetic and told me she was sorry but at the moment she wasn’t sure second date was a good idea as her life was such a "disaster". I chose to believe she was being genuine and said thanks and hope it all worked out for her. BUT then she came back saying she definitely wanted to grab a drink some time soon, and that it was just a case of right person wrong time. The door was firmly shut and now its creaked open which is a crappy limbo situation to be in. My question is what should I do? Do I wait for her to pick it up, or wait a few weeks and check in? or Just leave it altogether?

 

My friends are typically the type who play the percentages game and tend to be thicker skinned, so they aren't sure what the hell I'm talking about which is frustrating. Feel free to call me a chump and say the obvious things, at the very least I think I need to hear them because atm, its just a 24/7 thought which I could do without!

 

If you got to the bottom of this essay. Thanks for listening to the words of a chump!

[Lovezen_30]

She's not interested and I doubt she will be anytime soon (if ever). Right person, wrong time sounds nice to the person being rejected - but for most of us it's a case of 'right time be damned' if we really want something.

 

Sorry but she's not the right one in my opinion, time to move on.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Sent the message Weds evening and deleted the chat as per advice from here. Closure had been achieved, but then she messaged back very apologetic and told me she was sorry but at the moment she wasn’t sure second date was a good idea as her life was such a "disaster". I chose to believe she was being genuine and said thanks and hope it all worked out for her. BUT then she came back saying she definitely wanted to grab a drink some time soon, and that it was just a case of right person wrong time. The door was firmly shut and now its creaked open which is a crappy limbo situation to be in. My question is what should I do? Do I wait for her to pick it up, or wait a few weeks and check in? or Just leave it altogether?

 

 

 

I had something similar happen to me. A woman came to meet me, traveled a long way and then quit the date after 15 minutes saying she had somewhere else to be. Keep in mind though, this was after we had previously talked on the phone for like an hour, and that went pretty well.

 

I figured she was not interested and sent her a message joking about how short the date was. And then she said she was interested, just too busy. And that another time would work.

 

Put it this way. You're on here with this long, well thought out post about how perfect this woman was. My guess is that she was so busy she didn't even give you a second thought. Lol. People are vastly different. Also, who knows how many other dates she had within that span?

 

In any case, I had something else going on at the time. If I hadn't then, I would have pursued the 15-minute wonder. What did I have to lose? What do you have to lose?

Edited July 8, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[Tkuhn]

She's not interested and I doubt she will be anytime soon (if ever). Right person, wrong time sounds nice to the person being rejected - but for most of us it's a case of 'right time be damned' if we really want something.

 

Sorry but she's not the right one in my opinion, time to move on.

 

 

 

Thanks for that reply. I think there is a very salient point in that even if I was busy AF I would still make the effort to talk to them IF I liked them, timing is never a great thing and let's face it, we can all pick up 10 reasons off the bag to hide behind if we wanted. Definitely helps in getting this crap outta my head. Thinking what may have happened etc. It'll take a bit of time. It I'm starting to feel better about it. And your replies have helped a lot!!

 

Unfortunately I can't help but feel it has somewhat tinted my view on this whole dating going forward, I WILL NEVER GHOST but I will definitely look out for it and while that may guard me somewhat it does compromise how much I give myself to that date(s). But I guess this is part and parcel of the new paradigm of dating now.

 

Thanks!

[Tkuhn]

I had something similar happen to me. A woman came to meet me, traveled a long way and then quit the date after 15 minutes saying she had somewhere else to be. Keep in mind though, this was after we had previously talked on the phone for like an hour, and that went pretty well.

 

I figured she was not interested and sent her a message joking about how short the date was. And then she said she was interested, just too busy. And that another time would work.

 

Put it this way. You're on here with this long, well thought out post about how perfect this woman was. My guess is that she was so busy she didn't even give you a second thought. Lol. People are vastly different. Also, who knows how many other dates she had within that span?

 

In any case, I had something else going on at the time. If I hadn't then, I would have pursued the 15-minute wonder. What did I have to lose? What do you have to lose?

 

 

I guess it helps to have more irons in the fire to get over it. Maybe that's something I'll have to think about. And looking back on it, I think you are right, I doubt she even gave me a second thought after ghosting out on me. Only when I forced her to give an explanation did she craft something in that moment. It sucks but it is what it is.

[Redhead14]

so they aren't sure what the hell I'm talking about -- Of course, they aren't because they wouldn't be fretting over someone they've only spent a few hours with or at least not to this extent. It's foreign to them because they do have a thicker skin and more secure about themselves.

 

coherent and amicable. -- There was nothing amicable in telling her that her behavior sucked and certainly reduced your chances of ever hearing from her again. You fired that bullet prematurely at best. Falling apart after a day or two of not hearing from someone is out of line especially in this case. This was not ghosting. It was simply a case where she likely decided not to continue seeing you again. Yeah, It'd be nice if she said it, but after only one date, they don't owe you that. Ghosting would be about disappearing after a longer period of dating.

 

Dating is a process, not an event. You go on a few dates, if there's enough mutual interest, it moves forward. If not, it doesn't. So be it.

 

My question is what should I do? -- Accept that you at least had a nice time with someone but it's not going to go any further.

Edited July 9, 2017 by Redhead14

[Tkuhn]

so they aren't sure what the hell I'm talking about -- Of course, they aren't because they wouldn't be fretting over someone they've only spent a few hours with or at least not to this extent. It's foreign to them because they do have a thicker skin and more secure about themselves.

 

coherent and amicable. -- There was nothing amicable in telling her that her behavior sucked and certainly reduced your chances of ever hearing from her again. You fired that bullet prematurely at best. Falling apart after a day or two of not hearing from someone is out of line especially in this case. This was not ghosting. It was simply a case where she likely decided not to continue seeing you again. Yeah, It'd be nice if she said it, but after only one date, they don't owe you that. Ghosting would be about disappearing after a longer period of dating.

 

Dating is a process, not an event. You go on a few dates, if there's enough mutual interest, it moves forward. If not, it doesn't. So be it.

 

My question is what should I do? -- Accept that you at least had a nice time with someone but it's not going to go any further.

 

 

While I disagree with what equates to what ghosting is. Thanks I think this is the great hard line fact that I was looking for!! I don't deny I have thinner skin. But that gets better with time. Would have been great to get this from a friend but this is the next best thing. A great point and more or less what I needed. Glad I wrote this!!

[JuneJulySeptember]

While I disagree with what equates to what ghosting is. Thanks I think this is the great hard line fact that I was looking for!! I don't deny I have thinner skin. But that gets better with time. Would have been great to get this from a friend but this is the next best thing. A great point and more or less what I needed. Glad I wrote this!!

 

Having thicker skin might help, but it's also a matter of compatibility.

 

I personally agree with you and not Redhead14. I think the woman was rude not to get back to you when she said she would be willing to meet again not once, but twice (if I read the story correctly).

 

I think all that means is that guys like you and I aren't compatible with women like the one you went on the date with. Or at least not in most cases. You live life at a different pace and have a different outlook.

 

Who knows? Maybe she even noticed some of your sensitivity/wussiness on the date and that's why she decided to ghost you? I didn't mean that in a bad way either, lol.

Edited July 10, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[avvril3000]

Didn't read the other comments after your post, but in my opinion, as a girl myself speaking, if the girl is truly into you and sees potential, she won't **** it up, she will follow through and be eager. The fact that she is iffy, sounds like she is still hung up on another relationship, or putting you on the back burner, in case she can't find someone better. I repeat, if she really really really likes you, she wouldnt be iffy. Fact.

[spiderowl]

She hasn't followed through so that suggests she has doubts. I have been in her shoes, not sure what to do. Not wanting to say no to a nice guy but at the same time not sure myself whether I want to give up or not. Usually guys give up on me after I hesitate about responding which decides things by default. I'd never intend to hurt them; it's just a nagging uncertainty that causes this behaviour.

 

It could be she lost interest or it could be she became afraid of being cornered. I definitely start to panic if I think a guy is very keen. It's not about whether he contacts me a lot or not. I like contact. It is more about whether I sense he feels we are going 'into a relationship'. Quite unreasonably perhaps, I want to get to know a guy but still feel 'free'. The expectation that I won't be chatting to or meeting anyone else, when we have only just met, makes me feel cornered. I've been on my own for a while so I am used to feeling free. Maybe I am unreasonable, I don't know, I'm just saying in case this helps at all.

 

Point is, if you can make contact without any pressure, along the lines of 'let me know if you fancy meeting up for a coffee and snack sometime', then maybe she will respond positively. If she has lost interest though, then nothing you do will make any difference.

 

I'm sorry she had this reaction to you. You sound a lovely guy.

Edited July 11, 2017 by spiderowl

[GunslingerRoland]

Doesn't sound like she's ghosting you as much as being flaky. It sounds like there is some interest there on her part. If you were interested you might be able to get a FWB thing going on with her, doesn't sound like she wants to put the investment into a relationship though.