Q's for BS and WW

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hello! I'm always nervous about posting in the infidelity section as I am from the wrong side of the tracks as a fOW. However, I am about to graduate from Cheater University and have just a couple more subjects to learn before I earn my degree. Humor aside, I have learned so much from countless hours of self-reflection and time spent on LS about M, relationships, infidelity, and how our FOO impacts the above.

 

My remaining questions follow, and I am asking to complete the puzzle of wholly healing from A in addition to healing some FOO stuff (more importantly). I want to preface by saying that I understand how crazy painful A's are for BS. I have been cheated on by bf's but, most significant, I observed first hand my mother's palatable pain from my dad's A when I was 14 year old. That shaped almost every decision I've made in 25 years. If you are a BS, you may not care about OW/OM pain, but trust me, it is totally excruciating and most OW/OM don't really understand what they are signing up for when they enter an A. I doubt that garners sympathy, but at least BS in the end have lots more power over the outcome than OW/OM ever get at any point during/after the A. OW/OM have more knowledge, but BS have more control--believe me on that! Of course, the WW is sitting pretty as the only one who knows the whole story on both sides. Anyhow, on to my questions:

 

1) Why do BS stay with serial cheaters and WW's that continue with AP (false R and otherwise)? This question is to better understand why my mother remained in a situation that I think she should have left. Even at 14, I told her to divorce my dad after I saw what he did to her. Why do you stay?? I think if my H were anything but totally repentant and transparent after dday, I would kick him to the curb in a heartbeat rather than live a false life. Either I make enough to have a comfortable life on my own, or I would seek a decent alimony arrangement. If for kids, what does staying with a WW who continues to cheat teach the kids about who to choose as their life partners? about what they will accept from people in their own lives?

 

2) For WW's who enjoy the control they have over their OM/OW, do you feel that you lack power in your M? Does your spouse have the upper hand as you see it?

 

Thank you in advance for your candid replies to these questions. A are horrible, but can offer significant growth for all the adults affected if those adults do the work. Children are the unfortunate, innocent victims in all cases.

Edited May 29, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[road]

1) Why do BS stay with serial cheaters and WW's that continue with AP (false R and otherwise)? This question is to better understand why my mother remained in a situation that I think she should have left. Even at 14, I told her to divorce my dad after I saw what he did to her. Why do you stay?? I think if my H were anything but totally repentant and transparent after dday, I would kick him to the curb in a heartbeat rather than live a false life. Either I make enough to have a comfortable life on my own, or I would seek a decent alimony arrangement. If for kids, what does staying with a WW who continues to cheat teach the kids about who to choose as their life partners? about what they will accept from people in their own lives?

 

2) For WW's who enjoy the control they have over their OM/OW, do you feel that you lack power in your M? Does your spouse have the upper hand as you see it?

 

Thank you in advance for your candid replies to these questions. A are horrible, but can offer significant growth for all the adults affected if those adults do the work. Children are the unfortunate, innocent victims in all cases.

 

 

Simple:

 

The BS was not having the affair. The BS was not looking to end the

marriage. So the BS usually will try to recover the marriage.

 

WS power?

 

What power?

 

People are free to do what they want. It is not

against the law to cheat on your spouse.

People are not forced to forgive an affair. It is

all about choices.

[purplesorrow]

You're correct in that it doesn't garner sympathy. The ow may not have known the pain she was signing up for herself, but she knew from day one, I could be hurt. That didn't stop her so really?)$&@;:/ her pain. People stay because that is the best decision for them in that moment. Most betrayeds weren't aware they should have been planning their exits instead of the next family vacation. On dday, someone yelled fire and they are frantically trying to figure out what they should be grabbing and clinching to save. And as a well adjusted adult, I didn't need my ex to screw around to grow.

Edited May 29, 2017 by purplesorrow

[Confused48]

For myself and a lot of posters on this site it is for the kids, yes. Especially young kids. You don't want to lose them 50% of the time. You also fear what kind of new sex partner your low morals partner will expose your children too, if you leave.

 

That being said, continued cheating by the WS would be a deal breaker for me, even with young kids bc you are correct that it would be a very bad example, IMHO, to tolerate continued cheating.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Road & PurpleSorrow, thank you for your posts. Purple, with all due respect, it seems to me you are directing the lion's share of your anger towards OW and little towards H. Usually WW is the initiator of A. Most OW/OM don't have predatory thoughts like, " I'm gonna get up in the morning and snag me a WW." No it's more like a normal reaction to being pursued by someone and OW/OM probably fell for the same charms that BS did when BS & WW were first getting together. Doesn't make it right but this thread is not to debate the degree of evil within OW/OM. It is to develop an understanding why someone accepts being repeatedly abused on the BS side. Regarding not needing OW to grow, while it's true that everyone can grow without some outside stimulus, most people won't. I haven't deserved a ton a crap that people have brought to my doorstep, but each time I was faced with a challenge, I took it as an opportunity to become better, stronger, smarter. From my perspective, when a WW cheats something isn't right in that marriage. That thing could be that the WW is just a totally selfish POS. But when BS is faced with that, why stay when WW doesn't make sincere effort to R?

 

So to reiterate and clarify my q in my OP, I'm not asking why BS doesn't immediately quit their marriage. No, I'm asking that after the first dday, if there are more ddays and/or more cheating with other OW/OM after the first discovery, why stay in a sham marriage? This is about staying with a repeat offending WW who continues to deceive. When BS stays in this situation, BS is essentially communicative thru actions, "Do whatever you want. Mistreat me as much as you like. I'm going nowhere and I'll sit and take it." Why accept less than you deserve? Why tolerate this?

Edited May 29, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[purplesorrow]

Road & PurpleSorrow, thank you for your posts. Purple, with all due respect, it seems to me you are directing the lion's share of your anger towards OW and little towards H. Usually WW is the initiator of A. Most OW/OM don't have predatory thoughts like, " I'm gonna get up in the morning and snag me a WW." No it's more like a normal reaction to being pursued by someone and OW/OM probably fell for the same charms that BS did when BS & WW were first getting together. Regarding not needing OW to grow, while it's true that everyone can grow without some outside stimulus, most people won't. I haven't deserved a ton a crap that people have brought to my doorstep, but each time I was faced with a challenge, I took it as an opportunity to become better, stronger, smarter. From my perspective, when a WW cheats something isn't right in that marriage. That thing could be that the WW is just a totally selfish POS. But when BS is faced with that, why stay when WW doesn't make sincere effort to R?

 

So to reiterate and clarify my q in my OP, I'm not asking why BS doesn't immediately quit their marriage. No, I'm asking that after the first dday, if there are more ddays and/or more cheating with other OW/OM after the first discovery, why stay in a sham marriage? This is about staying with a repeat offending WW who continues to deceive. When BS stays in this situation, BS is essentially communicative thru actions, "Do whatever you want. Mistreat me as much as you like. I'm going nowhere and I'll sit and take it."

 

You are incorrect. I didn't direct anything at the ow. I just don't care about her and her pain. I divorced so clearly I knew where my disappointment was. Is there really good intent behind getting involved with a married person? Some people simply can't leave. They may want to keep their children in a family unit or their finances are too intertwined to leave. They have their reasons, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. If the wayward is still being deceitful does the betrayed really know?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You are incorrect. I didn't direct anything at the ow. I just don't care about her and her pain. I divorced so clearly I knew where my disappointment was. Is there really good intent behind getting involved with a married person? Some people simply can't leave. They may want to keep their children in a family unit or their finances are too intertwined to leave. They have their reasons, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. If the wayward is still being deceitful does the betrayed really know?

 

It's a great question about does the BS really know. I like to think that after living with someone for years, even decades, that BS can tell something is off. Good for you for standing up for yourself btw.

Edited May 29, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel
Auto correct typos. My smartphone isn't as smart as its manufacturers would like me to believe

[wmacbride]

Road & PurpleSorrow, thank you for your posts. Purple, with all due respect, it seems to me you are directing the lion's share of your anger towards OW and little towards H. Usually WW is the initiator of A. Most OW/OM don't have predatory thoughts like, " I'm gonna get up in the morning and snag me a WW." No it's more like a normal reaction to being pursued by someone and OW/OM probably fell for the same charms that BS did when BS & WW were first getting together. Doesn't make it right but this thread is not to debate the degree of evil within OW/OM. It is to develop an understanding why someone accepts being repeatedly abused on the BS side. Regarding not needing OW to grow, while it's true that everyone can grow without some outside stimulus, most people won't. I haven't deserved a ton a crap that people have brought to my doorstep, but each time I was faced with a challenge, I took it as an opportunity to become better, stronger, smarter. From my perspective, when a WW cheats something isn't right in that marriage. That thing could be that the WW is just a totally selfish POS. But when BS is faced with that, why stay when WW doesn't make sincere effort to R?

 

So to reiterate and clarify my q in my OP, I'm not asking why BS doesn't immediately quit their marriage. No, I'm asking that after the first dday, if there are more ddays and/or more cheating with other OW/OM after the first discovery, why stay in a sham marriage? This is about staying with a repeat offending WW who continues to deceive. When BS stays in this situation, BS is essentially communicative thru actions, "Do whatever you want. Mistreat me as much as you like. I'm going nowhere and I'll sit and take it." Why accept less than you deserve? Why tolerate this?

 

If you want to know why a bs would trust a ws, go into your bedroom, turn on the light, walk up to the mirror and look.

 

The person who can answer that is right there. You got involved with someone you knew with one hundred percent certainty was cheating.

 

What makes you so surprised that a bs, who has built a life with the ws, may have children with their ws, maybe married young and has spent years with them, has gone through ups and downs that you can't begin to imagine, and you wonder why they would want to stay?

 

Add to that the fact that they likely love their ws, and there you go.

 

About the bs growing from the crap of the A, to be quite frank, the quote I bolder above from you is , well, nauseating. I'm hoping I just misunderstood your point.

 

 

To be honest, it you want to know why your mother stayed, why don't you ask her? She's the one who can give you the answers you need.

[wmacbride]

It's a great question about does the BS really know. I like to think that after living with someone for years, even decades, that BS can tell something is off. Good for you for standing up for yourself btw.

 

Here's the thing.

 

A bs may well have suspicions. For the sake of argument, say a wife has cheated before and she and her husband have reconciled.

 

He's starting to get the feeling that something is off, so he asks her. She might be honest and tell him the truth, but she might just as commonly turn it around and try to shame him for being suspicious ( gas lighting). That can really throw a person off centre.

 

Some bs stay for their children, hanging on long enough for them to grow up and "launch". Some stay because they are blindly in love with their ws, and will ignore anything they do. Some are scared to leave, some bs are physically abused and feel they can't get away, some will even stay because of the pets. Some stay because they feel stuck, some stay because they get benefits form the marriage and don't care if their ws is cheating.

 

Each person has their own reasons, and there is no hard and fast rule about it.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

If you want to know why a bs would trust a ws, go into your bedroom, turn on the light, walk up to the mirror and look.

 

The person who can answer that is right there. You got involved with someone you knew with one hundred percent certainty was cheating.

 

What makes you so surprised that a bs, who has built a life with the ws, may have children with their ws, maybe married young and has spent years with them, has gone through ups and downs that you can't begin to imagine, and you wonder why they would want to stay?

 

Add to that the fact that they likely love their ws, and there you go.

 

About the bs growing from the crap of the A, to be quite frank, the quote I bolder above from you is , well, nauseating. I'm hoping I just misunderstood your point.

 

 

To be honest, it you want to know why your mother stayed, why don't you ask her? She's the one who can give you the answers you need.

 

Hi. I realize that the majority of the population would rather stick their heads in the sand rather than reflect and grow because it's work to do so. It takes a lot of energy and is not fun. You should ask yourself why my comment nauseated you...or don't. We all have free will. We can all choose to be better or not. I am exploring why BS tolerates repeatedly being betrayed. Certainly you've considered that if I could get a satisfactory answer from my mother that I wouldn't be posting this question here over 25 years later, right? I'm hoping there are people here who are more insightful than her who will add clarity. As far as looking in the mirror, well I can't even count the hours I've spent doing that these last month's which is why your comment doesn't bother me. It is ironic that you advise me to reflect (using a literal reflecting analogy) while also stating that bs growth is crap. Should the OW/OM reflect but not the BS? How does that help the BS & BS's family? Everyone should remove their heads from their deriers and take a good look at what is really going on...if they have the strength and tools to do so.

 

Edited to add: it doesn't surprise me that BS doesn't want to give up the things you mentioned in your post. It disturbs me that BS don't raise the bar on what they will tolerate while maintaining those things.

Edited May 29, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Mrs. John Adams]

1) Why do BS stay with serial cheaters and WW's that continue with AP (false R and otherwise)? This question is to better understand why my mother remained in a situation that I think she should have left. Even at 14, I told her to divorce my dad after I saw what he did to her. Why do you stay?? I think if my H were anything but totally repentant and transparent after dday, I would kick him to the curb in a heartbeat rather than live a false life. Either I make enough to have a comfortable life on my own, or I would seek a decent alimony arrangement. If for kids, what does staying with a WW who continues to cheat teach the kids about who to choose as their life partners? about what they will accept from people in their own lives?

 

2) For WW's who enjoy the control they have over their OM/OW, do you feel that you lack power in your M? Does your spouse have the upper hand as you see it?

 

 

My first response is...no one really knows they are married to a serial cheater until the offense is repeated.

 

In my case for example...I cheated...one time. My husband put his faith and trust in me for reconciliation....and I have never cheated again. He took a chance. But how did he know that i would not do it again? He didn't.

 

But he loved me, we had 2 small children he did not want raised by another man, and we were poor. He could not afford two households. and again....he loved me.

 

But trying to answer the WHY is almost like asking the Wayward WHY they cheated in the first place.

 

Because they wanted to....and while it may not make sense to anyone else....it makes sense to them at the time.

 

 

To answer your second question...I have no idea what you are talking about. What power are you referring to? A truly remorseful wayward spouse gives the power to the betrayed. When I confessed...I told my husband I understood the choice to stay was his....and I would abide by his wishes and ask for nothing. I had taken away his power and his voice when i cheated. In order to reconcile I had to give him back his power...and do so willingly. I became complete transparent....even 33 years later...I never go anywhere that i dont tell him....and I do so becasue i want to not becasue he requires it.

 

SO I am not sure what you are really looking for....but I hope this helps?

[Cymbeline]

Everything said by posters above is relevant. Also lifestyle and social

Life would change.

 

Affairs are frequently referred to as an addiction. If a long term spouse adheres to that view, then they may see the WW as needing help and the affair as a blip in an otherwise long and sound marriage. Let's face it, if the WW is going to great efforts to keep the affair secret, they are showing where their priority lies.

 

many people can see the difference between the lustful love of a new sex partner; fuelled by secrecy and the excitement of the new. The ebbs and flows of a long marriage are very different and values inherent in longevity might be different for many. It may well be that they feel secure in the long term attachment of their WW.

 

Romanticism - a relatively recent concept, and one which depends utterly on the tension created in being thwarted -(think of any romance which runs smooth from the start). The. notion that sex with a temporary partner is a complete betrayal has destroyed a lot of marriages and given romantic status to really rather sordid affairs which don't deserve that much influence. I don't think many people go though 30 years of marriage without thinking of infidelity.

 

Psychologists say the affair is not about the BS, so I'm sometimes interested to know why society thinks the BS should feel so invalidated by it, rather than ignore it as part of the mid life issues of a married partner who is often enjoying the frisson of acting a new role in the affair and has no intention of making the new persona permanent. Why then should a family go through upheaval for the sake of a bored spouse's new hobby?

 

Whatever their reasons, a BS who remains in amarriage after infidelity is getting something they want out of it.

[aliveagain]

I think in order for an affair to happen two types of people have to be present. The first is someone who is in a committed relationship who doesn't honor boundary's. The second is someone not necessarily in a relationship who also has no honor for boundary's. I think the main reason betrayed spouses hang on to a fractured relationship is because of fear. They are afraid of the future and rather then face it alone they hold on to what is familiar even though it causes them immense pain to do so.

 

I think the reasons for getting married play into this too, not everyone marries for love, some marry for convenience some marry for companionship. Some people have warped views of themselves believing themselves to be lesser then they are, they are more prone to be used by a spouse with low ethical standards. Your best defence against infidelity is to have a principled stance, for me it is zero tolerance. I didn't learn this until I was cheated on by the third key person in my life.

[deadsoul]

Hello! I'm always nervous about posting in the infidelity section as I am from the wrong side of the tracks as a fOW. However, I am about to graduate from Cheater University and have just a couple more subjects to learn before I earn my degree. Humor aside, I have learned so much from countless hours of self-reflection and time spent on LS about M, relationships, infidelity, and how our FOO impacts the above.

 

Cheater University. ;-)

 

My remaining questions follow, and I am asking to complete the puzzle of wholly healing from A in addition to healing some FOO stuff (more importantly). I want to preface by saying that I understand how crazy painful A's are for BS. I have been cheated on by bf's but, most significant, I observed first hand my mother's palatable pain from my dad's A when I was 14 year old. That shaped almost every decision I've made in 25 years. If you are a BS, you may not care about OW/OM pain, but trust me, it is totally excruciating and most OW/OM don't really understand what they are signing up for when they enter an A. I doubt that garners sympathy, but at least BS in the end have lots more power over the outcome than OW/OM ever get at any point during/after the A. OW/OM have more knowledge, but BS have more control--believe me on that! Of course, the WW is sitting pretty as the only one who knows the whole story on both sides. Anyhow, on to my questions:

 

1) Why do BS stay with serial cheaters and WW's that continue with AP (false R and otherwise)? This question is to better understand why my mother remained in a situation that I think she should have left. Even at 14, I told her to divorce my dad after I saw what he did to her. Why do you stay?? I think if my H were anything but totally repentant and transparent after dday, I would kick him to the curb in a heartbeat rather than live a false life. Either I make enough to have a comfortable life on my own, or I would seek a decent alimony arrangement. If for kids, what does staying with a WW who continues to cheat teach the kids about who to choose as their life partners? about what they will accept from people in their own lives?

 

I can't answer this one. I'm the WW... but I have not continued with AP. I have to wonder if it's low self-esteem. The BS loves her spouse and doesn't think she will find another one like him? Or, do they feel powerless in the relationship? I don't know. I also wonder about the OW/OM. Do they not love themselves enough that they think all they deserve are bread crumbs? I honestly do not know the answers, but those are my wonderings.

 

2) For WW's who enjoy the control they have over their OM/OW, do you feel that you lack power in your M? Does your spouse have the upper hand as you see it?

 

As a WW, I never had control over my OM. Not even a little. I felt like I lost so much of my dignity in the A. I've often felt I'm the dominant one in my marriage, so I don't feel my spouse had the upper hand. This is a good question. I'm pondering this one.

 

Thank you in advance for your candid replies to these questions. A are horrible, but can offer significant growth for all the adults affected if those adults do the work. Children are the unfortunate, innocent victims in all cases.

 

I agree

 

Answers above...

[wmacbride]

Hi. I realize that the majority of the population would rather stick their heads in the sand rather than reflect and grow because it's work to do so. It takes a lot of energy and is not fun. You should ask yourself why my comment nauseated you...or don't. We all have free will. We can all choose to be better or not. I am exploring why BS tolerates repeatedly being betrayed. Certainly you've considered that if I could get a satisfactory answer from my mother that I wouldn't be posting this question here over 25 years later, right? I'm hoping there are people here who are more insightful than her who will add clarity. As far as looking in the mirror, well I can't even count the hours I've spent doing that these last month's which is why your comment doesn't bother me. It is ironic that you advise me to reflect (using a literal reflecting analogy) while also stating that bs growth is crap. Should the OW/OM reflect but not the BS? How does that help the BS & BS's family? Everyone should remove their heads from their deriers and take a good look at what is really going on...if they have the strength and tools to do so.

 

Edited to add: it doesn't surprise me that BS doesn't want to give up the things you mentioned in your post. It disturbs me that BS don't raise the bar on what they will tolerate while maintaining those things.

 

You completely misunderstood the point I was making.

 

You ask why a bs stays. Why did you choose to get into an affair with a man you knew was married. If you answer that, then maybe you might have some small insight into why a bs would stay.

 

About your mom, I said to aks her because no one on here is her. we can't know what was in her mind, what went on between her and your dad, what her childhood was like, what she had been brought up to believe, etc.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

My first response is...no one really knows they are married to a serial cheater until the offense is repeated.

 

In my case for example...I cheated...one time. My husband put his faith and trust in me for reconciliation....and I have never cheated again. He took a chance. But how did he know that i would not do it again? He didn't.

 

But he loved me, we had 2 small children he did not want raised by another man, and we were poor. He could not afford two households. and again....he loved me.

 

But trying to answer the WHY is almost like asking the Wayward WHY they cheated in the first place.

 

Because they wanted to....and while it may not make sense to anyone else....it makes sense to them at the time.

 

 

To answer your second question...I have no idea what you are talking about. What power are you referring to? A truly remorseful wayward spouse gives the power to the betrayed. When I confessed...I told my husband I understood the choice to stay was his....and I would abide by his wishes and ask for nothing. I had taken away his power and his voice when i cheated. In order to reconcile I had to give him back his power...and do so willingly. I became complete transparent....even 33 years later...I never go anywhere that i dont tell him....and I do so becasue i want to not becasue he requires it.

 

SO I am not sure what you are really looking for....but I hope this helps?

 

Mrs. JA,

 

Thank you for taking the time to post here. I would say you don't fit in the category of serial cheater. You would be the type of WW that I would give another chance to if I were M. My first question is addressed to BS of serial cheaters though. My second question is addressed to WS who enjoyed a sense of control/power over their AP (as I've come to understand is an element in the A "relationship").

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs. JA,

 

Thank you for taking the time to post here. I would say you don't fit in the category of serial cheater. You would be the type of WW that I would give another chance to if I were M. My first question is addressed to BS of serial cheaters though. My second question is addressed to WS who enjoyed a sense of control/power over their AP (as I've come to understand is an element in the A "relationship").

 

So your question is to betrayed spouses who have made the decision to stay with a serial cheater? like your mother. Waywards who have agreed to reconciliation who have continued to cheat. I cant really think of too many of those situtations here at loveshack. In most cases where therer has been a repeat offender...they have divorced. But i am sure there must be a few here.

 

and I dont think i understand the second part of your question. You keep referring to the "power" the wayward has....I don't understand what you are looking for....whish is why i asked you what power? Is this something you have witnessed first hand? Maybe you can explain it more at length.

[cocorico]

Why do BS stay with serial cheaters and WW's that continue with AP (false R and otherwise)?

 

I'm assuming you mean WS and not only BHs staying with WWs, since your interest springs from your mother (and BW) and your father (a WH)..?

 

Considering the case of a WH who has had an ongoing A with the same OW for more than 10 years now, after previously having had other As with other OWs, who has gone through at least two dozen DDays with the last OW alone... It's a question I've often wondered about too. The kids have grown and left, so it's clearly not "for the kids". The only reason I can think of is that she feels that, at her age, she can't face being alone, or losing the lifestyle comforts she's become used to. The "Mrs" in front of her name, and the status attached to being associated with him rather than just her own merits. Or maybe, having the triumph of being "the girl who made good" crash around her ears is something she can't face. But she stays. DDay after DDay.

 

She barely even "punishes" her WH these days. She must know it's no good, that whatever she does, he'll just lie low for a while before he resumes the A. She's tried medicalising the issue, going to religious retreats with him, shaming him to his family and friends, but he always goes back to the A. Her choice is, accept the M as being open on his side, or D. She can't, or won't, consider D, so she just has to accept the M as it is, while pretending to outsiders that it's something else.

 

Ultimately, it's her choice. It's not the choice I would make, but I'm not her. Only she knows why it feels better for her to stay than to go.

Edited May 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Only she knows why it feels better for her to stay than to go.

 

Is that not the bottom line though?

Cost benefit analysis => better to stay than to go.

 

So many "impossible" situations here on LS, yet people tend to do what is best for themselves, even if no-one here may agree.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

So your question is to betrayed spouses who have made the decision to stay with a serial cheater? like your mother. Waywards who have agreed to reconciliation who have continued to cheat. I cant really think of too many of those situtations here at loveshack. In most cases where therer has been a repeat offender...they have divorced. But i am sure there must be a few here.

 

and I dont think i understand the second part of your question. You keep referring to the "power" the wayward has....I don't understand what you are looking for....whish is why i asked you what power? Is this something you have witnessed first hand? Maybe you can explain it more at length.

 

Hello again. Yes, like my mom (and like my xMM's BS). xMM said I was at least his third A. It's difficult for me to imagine his BS of 30 years M doesn't know he's a serial cheat. I'm happy to hear that there are not many situations on LS like this.

 

Second question about power pertains to my theory that WW's seek more power/control in A because they lack that feeling with BS. It's not a one size fits all theory, but I think it is plausible in my case.

[aileD]

My H cheated on me twice, about 12 years apart. I'm sure many would count that as "serial"....but the time and between makes me feel different...I think I would have stayed if I found out it was many more times.

 

Why I stayed

- Marriage is a covenant with God and your spouse. God hates divorce.

- I love him and *I* believe in the vows *I* took.

- I built a family with him over 25 years and he isn't just some *******. He's my family and I can't hate him. I just can't.

- I knew my faults and what I did to contribute to the environment which allowed an affair to be considered (the decision for him to participate was NOT my fault).

- He has major FOO and unresolved abuse issues and I could clearly see the psychology behind his actions and I knew if he got help for that, we wouldn't be in that situation again

- We have had a plan for our future, our retirement and share life goals that revolve around growing old and our family. I didn't want to give that up.

- He agreed to IC and MC and cut AP out of his life.

 

I can't answer the second question, but I have a question for you. Not sure if you already answered because I didn't read everyone's replies, but....

 

You mentioned how the affair your Dad had on your mom when you were 14 affected every decision you've made.....How on earth did you end up an OW? I would think that seeing the pain your mother went through, that would make someone absolutely against being an OW. Why didn't it? This is interesting because H's xAP's dad had an affair on his mom around the same age and she's a serial OW.....She hated her dad for it. I don't understand the psychology of it? I know I could never be an OW because I could never do to someone what was done to me.

 

Yet my H's OW did the same thing to my kids that some other OW did to HER....that's EFFED UP.

[wmacbride]

Hello again. Yes, like my mom (and like my xMM's BS). xMM said I was at least his third A. It's difficult for me to imagine his BS of 30 years M doesn't know he's a serial cheat. I'm happy to hear that there are not many situations on LS like this.

 

Second question about power pertains to my theory that WW's seek more power/control in A because they lack that feeling with BS. It's not a one size fits all theory, but I think it is plausible in my case.

 

No one can ever know for sure what is in someone elses mind. We all filter our opinions through the filter of our own biases.

 

This is why it's so hard to generalize why a bs will stay, and just as hard why a ws will cheat. I really believe that, a lot of the time, the people involved may not even realize why they are doing what they do.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

For me as a girl at 14, I lost significant respect for my mother when I saw the way she handled the situation. I have never regained that respect for her. I saw her as very weak, and the whole experience set me on a course to be a very strong, independent woman. I have a clear memory telling myself as a teenager that I would never be in the situation my mom was in. She was too weak to do anything other than grovel. It was not a good example IMO. Certainly the experience also led me to have a severe mistrust of men for most of my life.

[aileD]

For me as a girl at 14, I lost significant respect for my mother when I saw the way she handled the situation. I have never regained that respect for her. I saw her as very weak, and the whole experience set me on a course to be a very strong, independent woman. I have a clear memory telling myself as a teenager that I would never be in the situation my mom was in. She was too weak to do anything other than grovel. It was not a good example IMO. Certainly the experience also led me to have a severe mistrust of men for most of my life.

 

interesting...so what did you think of your MM's wife? Did you look down on her as pathetic?

 

Did you think of the pain your mom went through?

 

(I'm honestly curious, not accusing)

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I really believe that, a lot of the time, the people involved may not even realize why they are doing what they do.

 

Oh totally. Most definitely. I think there is hardly any rational thought behind it at all. For me, understanding the underlying subconscious motivations help me to realize how the perpetrator did not intentionally set out to harm. Makes it easier to forgive.