attraction in long term relationships

[avvril3000]

I'm throwing a question out there, do you believe that attraction can change during long term relationships, for the better or worse, and if so, why do you believe it can change and how does this work in marriage?

 

Personally, i'm asking this because i'm in an awesome relationship 9its been almost 2 years now), that i see leading to marriage and family. We're best friends, and i am still so attracted to him, as i was from day one, if not more. He tries so hard in the relationship and i appreciate how much he puts into us. Without it being inauthentic. It's very beautiful, the way he shows his love for me.

 

But i have been with long term boyfriends in the past, where my attraction for them has changed over the time i've been with them, ups and down, one eventually leading to a big fat down for a long time and thats where we ended. A lot of the unattraction was his personality and how my lifestyle didn't blend well with him.

And all my ex boyfriends, who i was so attracted to at some point in my life, i find no longer attractive at all, and almost disgusting.

So, how can i be sure that the one who i think is the one, in 5 years i wont change my mind on attraction? it scares me.

[d0nnivain]

I lived with an EX for a decade. If anything despite the extra pounds & some other physical changes, he got sexier to me. We could turn each other on with just a look.

 

 

My marriage isn't best on sex or even chemistry but with each passing day despite the years, the grey hairs, the extra pounds, the wrinkles & all the other fun stuff that comes with getting older, I feel closer to him all the time. It's like each day we knit closer together & become more intertwined & solid.

 

 

I fiercely guarded my independence before I met DH. He's the only one I ever let get this close & I thank my lucky stars every day that I took that very scary risk.

[Silverstring]

Well first, there aren't any guarantees. But it does sound like your attraction is in part at least predicated on meaningful things in a relationship like the way he treats you. That is a good thing. At 2 years, the honeymoon period is almost surely either ended or coming to an end so if you still feel strongly attracted, that's another really good sign.

[avvril3000]

I lived with an EX for a decade. If anything despite the extra pounds & some other physical changes, he got sexier to me. We could turn each other on with just a look.

 

 

My marriage isn't best on sex or even chemistry but with each passing day despite the years, the grey hairs, the extra pounds, the wrinkles & all the other fun stuff that comes with getting older, I feel closer to him all the time. It's like each day we knit closer together & become more intertwined & solid.

 

 

I fiercely guarded my independence before I met DH. He's the only one I ever let get this close & I thank my lucky stars every day that I took that very scary risk.

 

Thanks for your response and input. Its interesting to see a glimpse of other peoples relationships esp the ones that work. Im at the point where i want a life partner (marriage) partner and he definitely fits the part, but with todays society and hearing so much about cheating and even knowing my own attraction to my exes who i no longer find attractive, i worry about the longevity of relationships, especially in the attraction field, on both sides.

[avvril3000]

Well first, there aren't any guarantees. But it does sound like your attraction is in part at least predicated on meaningful things in a relationship like the way he treats you. That is a good thing. At 2 years, the honeymoon period is almost surely either ended or coming to an end so if you still feel strongly attracted, that's another really good sign.

 

Thanks for your nice message. it's nice to have some positive reassurance. ive had some toxic past relationships, so im so wary and scared and over analysing a lot. its like at every corner, i expect the worst to happen when he has given me absolute no reason to analyse things.

[Gaeta]

What was your longest relationship?

 

Yes attraction can stay alive through the years. I would not consider 2 years long term. When I was married to my ex I remember after 10 years together I still felt excited to see his car arriving home.

 

If you spend 2-3 years with someone. If you've seen him at his worse and you still love him, I doubt your attraction will die over night, out of the blue.

[todreaminblue]

attraction can be kept alive by remembering the reasons what attracted you in the first place...it is often said that familiarity breeds contempt......with me its the opposite ....i become invested ....and investing means work.....when i feel that attraction wan when a bf or partner annoys me i realize im just annoyed at them because of their actions and i let them knwo why and try and talk about it....then move on together....because i remember why i am with them in the first place...people might diagree with me that attraction is also something you need to keep alive.....after a certain time i feel attraction changes from organic to needing burturing

 

but

i think all aspects of a relationship involve work every area......and two years in if you are with the same guy....it might just mean that doing some nurturing work now might keep that attraction going way past the decade mark..reallong term mutual attraction.....and for when you arent actually together....or long distance...or out of sight....nurture away

 

one on one date nights regularly......also keeping mental snapshots of times you really felt connected and loved up.....make good memories to keep you goign through hard times make your attraction and love active....and it wont die........good luck...deb

Edited May 2, 2017 by todreaminblue

[preraph]

It's true that a lot of people lose the attraction with time. But I feel that's more something inside them and that you will mostly retain your attraction if things are going well.

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend continues to be more attractive to me every time I see him... And, it's not purely physical. It's because of the way that he treats me, his sense of humor, his kindness, the way he handles conflict and difficult situations, the way that he parents his son...

 

There are no guarantees in life, but I hope this never changes...

[avvril3000]

What was your longest relationship?

 

Yes attraction can stay alive through the years. I would not consider 2 years long term. When I was married to my ex I remember after 10 years together I still felt excited to see his car arriving home.

 

If you spend 2-3 years with someone. If you've seen him at his worse and you still love him, I doubt your attraction will die over night, out of the blue.

 

My longest relationship was 7 years. I'm not saying my current relationship has hit long term yet but it has the potential. ive seen bad times, i know how he fights, i know how we fight together, i'd seen him yell and i've seen his cry. ive seen him go through on of his toughest times of life.

[avvril3000]

attraction can be kept alive by remembering the reasons what attracted you in the first place...it is often said that familiarity breeds contempt......with me its the opposite ....i become invested ....and investing means work.....when i feel that attraction wan when a bf or partner annoys me i realize im just annoyed at them because of their actions and i let them knwo why and try and talk about it....then move on together....because i remember why i am with them in the first place...people might diagree with me that attraction is also something you need to keep alive.....after a certain time i feel attraction changes from organic to needing burturing

 

but

i think all aspects of a relationship involve work every area......and two years in if you are with the same guy....it might just mean that doing some nurturing work now might keep that attraction going way past the decade mark..reallong term mutual attraction.....and for when you arent actually together....or long distance...or out of sight....nurture away

 

one on one date nights regularly......also keeping mental snapshots of times you really felt connected and loved up.....make good memories to keep you goign through hard times make your attraction and love active....and it wont die........good luck...deb

 

thanks for your advice! i will keep it all in mind! i believe we have what it takes to go super long term. i'm not someone who can accept any further to be with a man who doesnt make me happy, whether it be how he treats me or just doesnt blend well into the life i wanna live. and this one, somehow does!

[todreaminblue]

thanks for your advice! i will keep it all in mind! i believe we have what it takes to go super long term. i'm not someone who can accept any further to be with a man who doesnt make me happy, whether it be how he treats me or just doesnt blend well into the life i wanna live. and this one, somehow does!

 

 

im happy for you avril...and i just read back through my post heaps of mistakes i missed so im sorry about that.my reading and editing is a bit down hill atm...my dyslexia is nearly every word.......and i am glad you have someone who is special and i agree happiness is something to be treasured and if you dont feel it there's problems need addresing.....isnt there?....knowing that is a good thing..........i wish you well....deb

[Popsicle]

It would scare me too honey. I think being best friends and compatible in values helps relationships last. And of course having kids and a house together.

[Popsicle]

Handling conflict has been mentioned in this thread a few times. I think that's VERY important.

[Fresnite]

I think attraction is constantly changing and is fully abstract. It's how you think in your own mind that controls the level of attraction.

 

It's like you see someone who is average. Not really your main type, but they ain't ugly. You know them through work or school or mutual friends whatever.

 

Then you find out they like you like you, you might now be attracted to him based off of that information.

 

Or if he changes his style/ appearance.

 

I'm Not gonna lie im a pretty average dude. My style, appearance, apparel, and my appeal gives off such a strong sexy confidant vibe, that I'm able to attract girls like crazy. Plus for being a white boy, i got great swag and I'm hood/street enough without being a wigger.

 

Check This out. One of my school days i take yoga, i have a history class before it. So i always wear my sweat pants and a basic t-shirt. Very frumpy.

 

Last week i wore normal attire the first time, i kid you not. This One girl who never talked to me before, chatted my ear off and was clingy af. 3 other girls in the class raised their eyebrows and gave me the thrice over lol.

 

I'm by no means full of myself, i just got it baby.