Socially unskilled

[Hawk88]

This might be a weird question but bear with me.

 

I don't want this to be a long rambling post so here goes...

 

I would like women's input on how to be more likable/approachable. I have often been described as socially "difficult ". I don't know how to describe it. People seem to be uncomfortable with me. Even random people. I'm focused on women because I struggle to socialize with them. Even when I pass random women and I smile and say good morning or hello or how are you....they look away and are obviously avoiding/ ignoring me and seem to walk faster to get away from me. Now that I'm writing this out...that sounds really bad lol

 

I'm not doing anything weird or creepy. I'm just trying to say hello and be cordial. Like asking someone how their weekend was and her reaction is something like nervously looking away and giving short answers or laughing in a very nervous way.

 

Women don't seem to want to converse with me...they seem uncomfortable and nervous. I wonder if I have a tattoo on my face that says "I'm a rapist " and I'm not aware of it lol

 

I really am pleasant.... I swear lol

 

Women help me out here. What can I do to be more acceptable to others?

[Hawk88]

See.....I didn't want it to be rambling and it was anyway lol

[Ronni_W]

Women don't seem to want to converse with me...they seem uncomfortable and nervous.

It's impossible to give any feedback on how you're coming across in real life, through an online forum.

 

You might want to ask a few people in your social circle. Explain to them what you're struggling to figure out -- and ask them to be honest but kind, and clearly let them know that you will not get all snippy or 'nose out of joint' or hold it against them if what they present to you is not a flattering or pretty picture.

 

Your sister's (girl) friends, or your guy friends' sisters; family members; counselors at school/college/church. Don't rule out receiving good input from males, though -

- ask EVERYBODY who might be able to help you with your goals; don't rule out ANYBODY. If they can't or won't help, then that's fine; but

if you don't even ask then for sure you've ruled out a potential good source.

 

Best of luck.

[basil67]

Approaching random women is tough. And my experience with starting chatting with random guys is that they'd want to ask me out. And I didn't want to be asked out by randoms, so I didn't engage. I much preferred to date men I was introduced to or who I knew through school, clubs etc.

 

What about platonic female friends? Do you have any in your regular social group? How do you go socialising with them? Women are far less likely to clam up if they know you're not after dating them.

[BearwithMe]

either youre too good looking that women get intimidated or there's something about how you look at them? your eyes too sexy?lol..OR youre the complete opposite

[d0nnivain]

The only advice I could offer on line is to smile & say hello. You said you are already doing that but you still get the cold shoulder.

 

 

Therefore I agree with Ronni W you need to direct this Q to people who know you IRL.

 

 

Are you particularly tall? I know when I was younger if very large men or boys tried to talk to me, I ran. The captain of the football team tried to ask me out freshman year of high school I couldn't get past his size.

[somanymistakes]

sorry i'm a woman and very socially awkward myself so...

[Eternal Sunshine]

Do you have a very loud voice? Do you interrupt people that look busy or lost in thought? The only times I react this way is when I'm in a hurry (already late for something) or when I'm thinking and someone says super loudly "HEY!!!!".

[NTV]

Do you smell bad? Dress sloppy?

[preraph]

One way to diffuse the problem with them fleeing when you say hi and be friendly is to not just be friendly to the women you're attracted to but to say hi and be friendly to everyone around, men and all women, yes, even the fat ones.

 

Women have a protective instinct going back thousands of years and can sense someone who is targeting them and who isn't social in a general way. I mean, think about it. Say you're in Starbucks and there's every type of person there but you're oblivious to all of them and watching the cute woman from the corner of your eye. She's already noticed this because of her instincts. Then she notices you're not saying anything or being friendly to other people but you are about to approach her. She isn't attracted back, so she'd rather you didn't, so she's already defensive.

 

Now, the other scenario is you come in and nod or chat with guys in line and women of all ages and shapes just friendily. And she's just one of them. Well, she's still not attracted to you, but she's not going to have any reason to be defensive at least. So one of these days when you finally do say hi to one who might be attracted back, you won't scare her off first by your approach.

 

And I don't know that you're saying anything inappropriate, but no stranger wants any sexy compliments from you.

[Chilli]

A guy here , but l went through something like this for a yr or so myself.

When normally l love crowds and girls, people, are usually friendly and chatty .

 

For awhile l lost my confidence , can't explain how it came about.

But l even got nervous about going into shops or standing too close to people, especially females.

And suddenly l could see people weren't comfortable around me anymore.

And the more worried about it the worse it got so that if l was standing close to anyone l felt like l was making them uncomfortable and nervous so l'd back away and not look at them and all crazy sh@t. Especially females.

l'd gone from one extreme l'd been my whole life, to the exact creepy opposite, somehow.

 

After about 12mths of this crazy bs , l got to thinking fk this, l'm sick of this bullsh@t. l'm gonna look people in the eye again, l'm gonna stand close to girls again if they're standing close to me, l'm not being nervous anymore fk this sh@t they can like it or lump it,

l'm gonna smile if l damn well feel like it or comment or say chit chat, to hell with everyone.

 

Well , guess what. Girls started enjoying standing close to me again, In one shop, one or the other girl would even race up to serve me when l came in.They'd literally stand close, even in my face- well l just stood right there and thought well , this is where we're standing, your in my face, l don't mind, your cute, l'm not moving hell you move if you wanna.

lf we were face to face or 1 foot away over the counter while l was paying or whatever, or out somewhere, or in a line, l thought fk this, l'm not moving, l'm not feeling nervous, your here, l'm here , suck it up.

Same with any convo or passing chit chat in just everyday situations or if l felt like saying it was a nice day or any damn thing, l thought to hell with it , to hell with it all, sick of that bs.

 

Well , withing a few mths , l was enjoying being around people again , especially girls, they were enjoying being around me again , talking, chit chat, laughing back if l cracked a joke comment about something , even standing inches away from me in lines or where ever .

People started looking happy to see me again or if l walked into a shop or something.

It's all been back to normal ever since.

 

So there ya go ,try just saying to yourself fk this bullsh@t , l'm sick to death of it. l don't care anymore- try it. Train yourself for a few wks, see what happens.

l think your thinking and worrying too much just like l got into my weird thing for awhile there.

it sends out a vibe, makes people edgy, nervous, especially the opposite sex.

[Hawk88]

Whoever said it, has a good point...this question is hard to answer on an online forum, my bad lol

 

Anyway... I actually get compliments on how I dress and smell on a regular basis...usually from women

 

I dress well and everything but I am aware of how uncomfortable others are and it has made me uncomfortable in general in social situations so I might be giving off some kind of "vibe"(I hate that word)

 

Also I had a buddy of mine tell me my natural resting face is somewhat of a scowl so that might have something to do with it. I'm more aware of how my face looks to others so now I'm becoming even more uncomfortable lol ...like when a really drunk person tries to act sober, it just makes it worse lol

 

I guess I just have to practice

[carhill]

Since you're getting compliments from women on a regular basis apparently, their first impressions are leading to voicing compliments. The social skill is doing something with that which enables further social interaction.

 

As example, when receiving such a compliment, what do you do?

 

Imagine, after shaving, while looking in the mirror, receiving such a compliment and how you react. Examine the results. Be your own critic.

 

Having a couple good female friends helps too. They can provide feedback on social stuff since there's no romantic complications.

 

Also, I suggest delineating between social and romantic skills. One can be socially skilled and very likable but doesn't inspire lust, sexual desire and emotional attachment in a romantic way.

 

If you're attractive, people perceive aspects of it through the lens of their attraction. Attraction is far more than a smile. One perusal of all the brooding, scowling chick magnets throughout history is plenty of evidence. If you don't have whatever that is, that's OK. Don't micro-manange and scrutinize yourself into a box of self-consciousness which rules you. Work on social skills, sure, but accept and love yourself for who you are. In the end, you live with you.

[TheWoman]

Believe in yourself. It really is that simple. If you are thinking 'I am a lovely person, and I have a lot to offer anyone who I allow to get that close to me' then you are halfway there. I can literally smell this kind of thinking in people, and actually most people can, whether they realise it or not. This is what it all boils down to, all the getting yourself together, it all comes down to giving off that vibe. Im great, youre great, lets be great together.

[Hawk88]

I usually just say thank you to compliments...that's it. I don't know what else to say.

 

I do have friends who are girls who have given me advice. I'm stand offish is the big criticism. Also... I need to work out more, I need more status(money, important friends, etc) basically, I have to offer something women want and right now I don't. The message I get frequently is that women need to be getting something out of spending time with you, so figure out what you can bring to the table. Also when I socialize I have the bad habit of avoiding talking about myself at all. I am great at putting the focus on others and talking to people about themselves but when asked about myself I come off as evasive. It can make conversations with me fun at first but over time it feels like an interview or something like that.

 

These are the sorts of things my female friends have told me. My male friends on the other hand just tell me to take steroids and make money because guys with money and muscles have hoards of women all over them...lmao...honestly men are good drinking buddies but women make better friends.

[tetrahedral]

I usually just say thank you to compliments...that's it. I don't know what else to say.

 

I do have friends who are girls who have given me advice. I'm stand offish is the big criticism. Also... I need to work out more, I need more status(money, important friends, etc) basically, I have to offer something women want and right now I don't. The message I get frequently is that women need to be getting something out of spending time with you, so figure out what you can bring to the table. Also when I socialize I have the bad habit of avoiding talking about myself at all. I am great at putting the focus on others and talking to people about themselves but when asked about myself I come off as evasive. It can make conversations with me fun at first but over time it feels like an interview or something like that.

 

These are the sorts of things my female friends have told me. My male friends on the other hand just tell me to take steroids and make money because guys with money and muscles have hoards of women all over them...lmao...honestly men are good drinking buddies but women make better friends.

 

You sound much more perceptive than most of the folks who come on here sniffing for advice.

 

The advice you are relaying from friends is frowned upon by Loveshack, but it's pretty spot on. People care what you have to offer them. The best piece of relationship advice is just that - have more to offer.

 

But you already know that. TBH it sounds to me like you project insecurity. That's why you get bad vibes back. You're giving bad vibes.

 

One of those tricky fine lines in life is being capable of self-assessment, without being unsure of yourself either.

 

Many of the posters who ask about their romantic lives aren't capable of self-assessment to begin with, so you've got a leg up.

 

I think you need to be more comfortable with yourself around people. You probably have RBF and fidget and don't look anyone in the eye and it gets noticed.

 

About the bit about feeling like you interview people - I'm guessing that since you have social anxieties, you focus more on sustaining/having a conversation than you do on what the other person is saying. Then it becomes a convo for a convo's sake. Try to think less about what you're saying next and just respond to the things he/she is telling you.

 

When I feel like I'm being "interviewed", and i know the feeling, it usually feels like the other person isn't listening very closely to what I say.

[Hawk88]

I'm sorry but I'm not sure what RBF means? Lol

 

I'm actually a great listener with a great memory and have been complimented on that before. Generally I don't fidget or have eye contact problems until the topic of conversation focuses on me. I'm very laid back and calm until someone wants to know more about me then my entire demeanor changes and I've been told I can become almost defensive and short with people. Really bad traits I know but I've been like this for so long that it's hard to unlearn these almost instinctive reactions I have around people but I'm trying.

 

As far as the insecurity thing...very true. I'm very aware that I'm not bringing much to the table so to speak so I become self conscious and when I was younger I would lie about myself and make things up about myself to be more interesting to others so they'd want to date me or be my friend.

[Hawk88]

Something else I forgot...

 

The whole thing about just saying what's on your mind and being yourself. I have been told that numerous times and I understand that people who are just open about who they are and speak their mind are often found to attract more people not just as romantic interests but friends/ business partners as well.

 

The problem with that for me is that...I have a very inappropriate/misanthropic mind lol. A lot of the things that cross my mind in conversations are not things you should say to people lol.

 

This is Something else I am trying to work on.

 

I basically have to have comfortable conversations without it being apparent that in my mind I am sifting through all my snarky/cynical thoughts to come up with something socially acceptable to say. Lol

 

I'm a bit of a head case

[tetrahedral]

I'm sorry but I'm not sure what RBF means? Lol

 

Resting b*tch face. When you frown all the time without realizing it.

 

I'm actually a great listener with a great memory and have been complimented on that before. Generally I don't fidget or have eye contact problems until the topic of conversation focuses on me. I'm very laid back and calm until someone wants to know more about me then my entire demeanor changes and I've been told I can become almost defensive and short with people. Really bad traits I know but I've been like this for so long that it's hard to unlearn these almost instinctive reactions I have around people but I'm trying.

 

As far as the insecurity thing...very true. I'm very aware that I'm not bringing much to the table so to speak so I become self conscious and when I was younger I would lie about myself and make things up about myself to be more interesting to others so they'd want to date me or be my friend.

 

Something else I forgot...

 

The whole thing about just saying what's on your mind and being yourself. I have been told that numerous times and I understand that people who are just open about who they are and speak their mind are often found to attract more people not just as romantic interests but friends/ business partners as well.

 

The problem with that for me is that...I have a very inappropriate/misanthropic mind lol. A lot of the things that cross my mind in conversations are not things you should say to people lol.

 

This is Something else I am trying to work on.

 

I basically have to have comfortable conversations without it being apparent that in my mind I am sifting through all my snarky/cynical thoughts to come up with something socially acceptable to say. Lol

 

I'm a bit of a head case

 

Most people are a bit of a head case. You just only get access to your own head.

 

What do you do for fun? Do you go out with friends? Host them? Any hobbies?

[Hawk88]

Hobbies? How I spend my time?

 

I see friends whenever I can but I'm getting older and more of them are getting married and so it gets harder to spend time with friends as they all get married. I work out a lot and play sports. I try to take classes and do activities I have interest in whenever I can like....improv classes, learning to play guitar, cooking, woodwork, paintball, rock climbing....I try to give anything I have a little bit of interest in a shot if there's something going on in my town. The main ones though are sports and music....going to the gym and playing sports or going to clubs to see shows. Kinda rambling but you get the idea hopefully.

[preraph]

I have a scowl face too, so when I want to look more normal, it feels unnatural to me to put on a smile, but it works wonders. I found that just raising my eyebrows also helps make me look receptive.