Constant unwanted comments from gf over small things

[hedge]

Hoping for a bit of external help from both guys and gals, as I seem to have lost my compass on what is "normal". My girlfriend is the bossy type, it's fair to say, and it's an issue to me on occasion, but at the same time I am very laid-back, absent-minded and can be lazy at times. People say we go together well and mostly things work out, as I tolerate her highly-strungness and at the same time I realise I need someone to kick me up the butt now and again.

 

However, I refuse to be a pushover and I take issue with her bossiness at times when it goes out of what I feel are certain bounds (arbitrary to me, of course, but what I feel is "normal" by most people). What I can't stand is when she tells me to do/not to do things which I believe most people (including me) would find trivial or unimportant. For instance, just today she told me not to drip water on the kitchen tiles from hands/washing up etc. When I challenged her as to why that mattered - "c'mon it's only water!" she said apparently if you stand on it the dirt on the bottom of your slippers will cause stains on the floor (this was after it was cleaned; not by either of us, by the cleaner). When pressed, she also rationalised further that it showed a "lack of respect" to the cleaner's work. There are multiple other examples, but the general trend is that I feel the advice is minimally important to the situation (e.g. using one sized/shaped spoon over another when cooking - which makes no real difference in the grand scheme of things) versus me being p-ed off.

 

My argument to her is simple: I don't mind taking advice and/or changing my behaviour when it's something that matters in the general scheme of things, but having constant trivial advice thrown at you is utterly debilitating. I've told her it makes me feel controlled, but she doesn't accept that. She says that she doesn't want to feel as if she can't communicate something, that there is no harm in offering advice if it improves things (such as the kitchen floor being cleaner). I've said that unfortunately in relationships you do have to bite your tongue on occasion. The problem is, I let a lot of trivial things slide (like her leaving lights left on in unattended rooms, etc) because I feel I'm easygoing and that they don't bother me enough to mention; I guess I expect the same (and would of most people). She expects the opposite; she claims she wants all trivial things to be brought up (although I feel it might be so that she can justify her position).

 

When I suggest that other people in general (or specific friends) would find such things trivial and not worth mentioning, she mocks me (or them). She's very adverse to external help, such as asking others or reading relationship advice sites on how people have dealt with problems like this (I'm sure it's a classic that's not unique to us).

 

Can you offer any way forward? I could acquiesce and do what she says for an easy life, but I'm dead against it. Am I being stubborn? Objecting as I did is exhausting and leads to a heated discussion/argument invariably without any resolution. Am I being unreasonable/too sensitive? Should I just stop letting it bother me? Perhaps I am prone to catastrophizing but I feel the inability to come to a rational consensus on things like this is a harbinger for the relationship... if we can't agree on things like this, what hope is there for the bigger things that we will come across in our lives together?

 

Thanks in advance for any help/advice!

[basil67]

No, you're not over-reacting. She sounds like a total pain in the rear end. And I fully agree that when in a relationship, we need to censor ourselves and not get caught up in the minutia of every day life. (Hubby walks around when brushing his teeth. I cleaned up a glob of toothpaste from the living room floor today. No, I will not mention it).

 

As you've talked about this and she can't see a problem and is unwilling to alter her ways, you're now at a 'stay or go' decision, yes? If I were you, I'd have one more attempt, but this time letting her know that it's bothering you sufficiently to consider leaving.

 

If she responds that you're too sensitive and/or that this is how she is, then you know you have to leave. But if she responds that she didn't realise just how much her words were affecting you and will work at being less bossy, then it's worth giving another chance.

[lil hoodlum]

Your girlfriend sounds like she is very critical and judgemental. A regular miss-know-it-all!

 

Next time she has a little dig at you, ask her why she is so critical of you. That or you can take the wind out of her sails and just agree with her, also you should wonder out loud how you have managed without her advice before she came along.

[Chilli]

As a last resort she might just need you to stand up to her .

You could try fighting fire with fire and either tell her to stfu or throw some bossyness or criticism her way.

Ya don't wanna get into daily slugging matches but maybe it backs her off .

l'm had friends that get a bit carried away sometimes and it's taken a bit of a stern backlash from me in the end to shutem up.

 

But hey , l know a gf's aren't that simple so if it doesn't work well , plan B.

[somanymistakes]

She likes to make a lot of comments about how things should be done. If you don't challenge her about them but just carry on, does she get really mad about it?

 

Being the sort of person who has to make a comment about everything is mildly annoying, but not necessarily a huge control problem. It's only a BIG problem, imo, if she freaks out if you don't immediately follow her little nags every time.

 

You are right that it doesn't actually accomplish anything useful for her to pick on everything all the time, but if it's her personality to want to point things out, it won't be easy or overnight for her to learn to shut up about it. And no, I don't think picking a huge fight with her every time this happens is going to help, unless by 'help' you mean 'force a breakup'.

 

There must be some less explosive way of making her realise that her approach isn't working. What happens if you simply ignore her when her advice doesn't seem very important or relevant?

[d0nnivain]

As much as you have these arbitrary rules about what's normal, she may have her own arbitrary rules about what's tolerable.

 

 

I don't care for water dripped on the floor either not out of respect or because of dirt but because I'm the klutz who will step on the water, slip, fall & get hurt.

 

 

One of my EXs had this weird thing where he wanted the kitchen cleaned with bath towels & would comment if I used a different towel. When I asked him why, he said he mother did it that way. A few months later his mother was over & asked me why he did that. I told her he said she did it. She denied ever doing something to odd. I just bought cheap bath towels for the kitchen & made him keep the good ones in the bathroom.

 

 

My point -- talk to her about these snide comments. Perhaps it's her tone that is putting you off. Perhaps you can compromise. She may not realize that she's doing it. Compromise before moving straight to break up.

[Redhead14]

Obsessive-complusive comes to mind when I read your post. A person who tries to control "minutia" and another person are trying to create order externally because their internal "world" is chaotic.

 

That being said, if she is only this controlling and focused on minutia with you and not other aspects of her life, that's difficult. It may simply mean that you two are not compatible in the area of lifestyle/home life and that's something that needs to be addressed. You are, as you say laid back and she isn't. That's a big deal and will cause you to feel smothered, drained and put upon.

 

That being said, it's OK for her to let you know how she likes things, but being critical and judgemental isn't acceptable. Some things you can compromise on and other things like dripping a little water on the floor after washing your hands is a whole 'nother thing. Do you want to be paranoid every time you do something simple like that and make sure you have a towel exactly where it needs to be so that you don't drip when reaching for a towel? Unless you're creating a puddle when washing you're hands, oh well.

[darkmoon]

she is telling you who is in charge, and it ain't you

[BaileyB]

Doesn't sound like she is very much fun to live with. I wouldn't want to spend someone who constantly criticizes and has an opinion about everything...

[Blanco]

I lived with someone like this. It chips away at you until you are second-guessing the simplest tasks around the home.

 

There are two sides to each story and two people are going to have their own opinion on what's normal or acceptable to expect around the home. The secret to success is putting aside the need to constantly have things done your way, or at the very least, not verbalize it every time the other person does things differently than you would.

 

I was like you in that I was open to things being pointed out more if it could be done in a more efficient way. What I wasn't open to was feeling like she couldn't be bothered to ever pass up a chance to point out how I was doing things differently than she would, even if it didn't really matter.

 

I recall telling her this and the response I got was, "Believe me, there's plenty of things I don't say." A real confidence booster when you share a home with the person.

[preraph]

Sounds like you've never had to do housework and need to try it. The other reason not to drip water everywhere is someone could slip and fall and hurt themself.

 

That said, you need to learn to clean house and do responsible things and think about what you're doing and be considrrate of other people on your own because no one wants anyone treating them like a child. But if you act like one, that's what places others in that position.

[Hoosfoos]

She is a total self absorbed nag, the further you go on with her, the bitching and complaining will just escalate. Ask yourself if this is the way you want to live.

[Mr. Lucky]

I tolerate her highly-strungness and at the same time I realise I need someone to kick me up the butt now and again.

 

She's not your Mom, Vice Principal or Life Coach. Take responsibility for your own motivation and goal-setting and any corrective input from her will be unneeded. And you'll be acting like an actual adult whilst giving her an opportunity to do the same ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[live2ndin]

It sounds like a tricky situation to navigate. Have you tried talking to her (gently) about what might be causing her to feel like these things need to be done a certain way? You seem like a patient and caring person and sometimes leading by example is not the easiest or quickest road but often it is the most fruitful. I think you have the patience and wisdom to see this through. Thanks for sharing and I hope things get better.

[Gaeta]

Does she only critisize you about house maintenance?

 

When I read your story and saw how you described dripping water on kitchen floor being 'trivial' I could see where dating someone like you would annoy me as well. It's frustrating when we clean and then the next person 'doesn't mind water dripping on the floor' or crumbs on the counter, or dirty towels on the bathroom floor. Are those the things she annoys you with? Maybe she is just getting tired of your sloppy way?

[Springsummer]

Oh, goodness...I hate to be told what to do, being constantly nagged and feeling constantly that I am inadequate.

 

I don't like high strung people. I prefer to be leave alone and live however I see fit.

 

you two are incompatible. I would not want to live with someone like that.