Power_Forward Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 When you are in relationship with a man, and you have a difficult problem in your life, what do you prefer that your man do: Do you prefer that he: A.) Gives you advice to solve the problem or B.) Listens to you, but doesn't try to give you advice or fix it Generally I like to take the lead and offer advice, develop a strategy, and fix the problem. But sometimes my GF will get annoyed with me when I do this, usually if it's a problem concerning her life, like she wants to tell me the problem but doesn't want me to do anything. It's confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 It's always b Unless it involves car trouble or carpentry 9 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Seriously. Always b. It's tempting to give advice but we don't want you to fix it, we want to vent to you about it and have you listen and understand because we feel safe enough with you to let it all out. We aren't looking for a solution p 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Ask the lady in question, don't assume? Most of the time we just want to vent. Having a solution pressed on us when we're trying to blow off steam will generally make us feel more annoyed rather than less. Like, I'm already pissed off, and now you're bossing me around? Back off! Sometimes we may want help, especially if it's a practical problem that you really are better suited to solving than we are. Ask! "Do you want me to try and fix it?" That gives us the chance to say yes, no, or 'let me try it myself first'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
andie1969 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 B. My boyfriend does the same thing and it can be annoying. Like if I complain about my job or my coworker, it's usually just because it was a bad day, not that I hate my job. But, he will then send me links to job openings. Grrr. I'm capable of looking for a new job on my own if that's what I really want to do, although I DO appreciate his concern for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Generally I like to take the lead and offer advice, develop a strategy, and fix the problem. Exactly the mistake the vast majority of guys make. That’s just pure arrogance IMHO. Implies women need to be “taken care of” Any man past a certain age and experience would tell you that. Most of the time we just want to vent. Yup No woman worth her salt, who is intelligent, independent looks for any dude to “solve” her problems, whatever they are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 If it's anything he can fix with his hands like a flat tire or a leaking faucet then yes I want him to get up and go fix it. If it's a problem at work or with a friend or family member I just want him to listen, maybe make a suggestion but no more than that. The best thing he could do would be to offer to change my mind with going out or do something together he knows I enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 There are some problems that I want him to try and fix (generally physical ones), and there are some problems that I just want a listening ear for (generally emotional ones). I usually tell him which one I want off the bat, so there is no guesswork. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 B, unless I ask for advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blockrockinbeat74 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Mostly A. I want to hear his take on it, with the understanding that I don't have to do as he says. I can vent to my mum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 B. It's one of those male vs female communication style things. Men want to fix things, women want to share. Often I will find by just talking it out, the solution will come to me. If someone is butting in with their "solution" I may not be able to come to my own solution which often feels like the right one. I am guilty of the "try to fix" thing as well at times. I see my husband get fustrated, and realize that he simply needs a safe place to vent. We'll both catch either doing and will say "I am not looking for you to fix it, I just need to vent". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I change my answer. B. Unless it's something where another person is in danger and you must step in to fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 The correct answer is almost always B, and it took me years to learn that (I can be slow sometimes). Funny video on this very subject: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I agree with B. It took me a long time to tell guys ahead of time I just want them to listen. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Men want to fix problems. They want to get to a solution. Women want to be heard. They don't necessarily want the solution. It's not a matter of what I want, it's the preference of the woman you are with. Do what she needs. I don't mind somebody telling me what they think the solution ought to be. I would very upset if you went around me & tried to fix it yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Power_Forward Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 B. It's one of those male vs female communication style things. Men want to fix things, women want to share. Often I will find by just talking it out, the solution will come to me. If someone is butting in with their "solution" I may not be able to come to my own solution which often feels like the right one. I am guilty of the "try to fix" thing as well at times. I see my husband get fustrated, and realize that he simply needs a safe place to vent. We'll both catch either doing and will say "I am not looking for you to fix it, I just need to vent". I agree. It's also a difference between emotional feeling and logical thinking. Many times when women communicate it's in the form of sharing emotions. When men communicate, it is primarily logical, in order to solve a problem. So when I or a friend of mine has a problem, there is the problem (X) and the variables that make up that problem. The variables need to be analyzed and then adjusted in order to achieve the desired outcome. A concrete plan of action that will expedite the achievement of the desired outcome is the end goal, and the more efficiently we can form that concrete plan, the better. Thus emotions tend to get in the way of this line of thinking. It is not important how we feel, but what we do. Emotions are almost like obstacles to action and clear logical thinking. When women communicate, it is primarily about emotional sharing, so emotions take center stage. Feeling is the end goal, not logical thinking. So to discard this feeling process by super imposing thoughts and logic is to undermine the entire reason why the woman is communicating in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Different people are vastly different on the issue of advice. For instance, I'm obviously an extreme advice giver, and most of my friends like that about me -- but I have one newer friend who absolutely hates it and will get mean if I offer her any advice and has instructed me to just be sympathetic, so I do. And that sounds like what your gf is asking. So just be sure you acknowledge what she says and respond back verbally with things like "Sorry your mother is acting like that and making you unhappy" and then if she wants advice, she will ask. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Honestly I dont think it's nearly as much of a male/female thing as we like to pretend that it is. Plenty of us women want to fix problems too! I can be just as guilty of overreaching to "fix things" for someone else, even though I know it annoys me when people do it to me. Nor are feelings and logic entirely separate things - it's unhealthy to think that you can throw out all logic in the service of your emotions, and it's generally delusional to think that you have no feelings and are utterly logical. I mean, it's not like women NEVER reach out to anyone for actual help with a problem. They do so all the time! But you have to be able to understand the context, and you have to evaluate the ability of the person you're talking to, to avoid being incredibly patronising by offering solutions they are already aware of. There's a big difference between someone posting "I just spilled tomato juice on my favorite blouse :(" and "Help! I just spilled tomato juice on my favorite blouse!" You can fairly guess that one of these posters is looking for suggestions on how to get the stain out, and one of them would just like you to commiserate how much that totally sucks. This does not require some mystical dowsing rod of mars-venus translation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Usually always B. 98% of the time BUT....to be on the safe side. You can start by I'm sorry to hear that? Or that sucks. Or do you need a hug.... Followed by do you just need to vent? Or do you want my advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Stillits Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 (edited) A!!! If you have a solution to the problem I'm having, PLEASE share it. I probably wouldn't be telling you about my problem if I did know how to solve it. This is my problem with talking to people about what I'm going through, I only see the point in talking to someone about it if they can point me towards ways to solve it. I don't need them to just pity me or listen to me or pat my back, I just don't have the need to vent to other people like that. I seem to be in the minority though Edited April 25, 2017 by Stillits 1 Link to post Share on other sites
avvril3000 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 personally, i'd take A I'd feel like my bf didnt care if he didnt offer some sort of opinions or advice, or ideas. Also, i'd probably appreciate another perspective on my own thoughts of the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
rushed Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Unless I specifically say, "What do you think I should do?" it is ALWAYS B. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 One thing that's very obvious from reading Loveshack is that a fair amount of people, even though they come here asking for advice, will reject all advice except the advice that agrees with what they want to hear and get mad about the other and start name-calling. Even the polite ones, you'll see their post, and a dozen people will post that are all in agreement what they should do, but they won't respond or acknowledge because they are waiting for just one person who will tell them what they want to hear. So people are wonky about advice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 B. B, B, B. There are times when I want my fiancé's advice, and when I do I'll explicitly ask. He is the best sounding board a lady could have! But more often than not I just want to express myself, vent my frustrations, tell someone that I'm hurting or mad or annoyed or whatever. I don't need him to fix it. I'm a grown-up and can solve (most of) my problems. Sometimes all you need is a big hug and "aw honey, I'm sorry". Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 In most situations, I'd personally want someone to listen and then give advice, if warranted! Link to post Share on other sites
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