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Relationship Anxiety - 2 months in


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thecrucible

Some background to my post - I'm seeing this guy. We call each other 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' and have been dating for 2 months. I'm 27, have been in three LTRs and now looking for something serious. In my last LTR, we got to the point of talking about marriage so it was hard for me when we broke up six years ago. He's 35, had been single for 10 years and hasn't ever had a LTR. We live 40 minutes away from each other. I usually visit him (we have this arrangement because I have to live with my parents due to my current income).

 

I'm just looking for a pep talk/something to soothe my anxiety. I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months. We see each other about once a week. We've also been on holiday together for a long weekend and I have met his parents and best friends. He's planning to take me for a weekend break at the end of the month. He talks about the future with me so it seems promising.

 

There are a few issues which have cropped up:

 

- I really like hearing from him in phone calls rather than texts. After I mentioned this, he has called me a couple of times during the week although he still mainly sticks to texts. I'm not sure if he's aware how much it means to me to hear his voice. He says I can call him anytime I like but I'm not sure I'm going to do that (I have called him once) as it wouldn't be the same for me. When we text, he gets back to me quickly so I'm not sitting around anxiously waiting for his replies.

- I have asked him how he feels and if he sees this moving in a serious direction (in my wording 'like love') and he said "I think it's heading that way" but he said he hasn't been in love before so he doesn't know. I've decided to drop it for now because I just don't want to push it too far.

- I'm more emotive than he is. He's not easily moved by emotion either way. I've always been a little bit intense (I'm a natural worrier). I don't think this would turn into a huge issue unless he finds my emotion a burden (I'm not actually needy, I just like to express myself in an emotional way). He's said he doesn't mind the odd deep conversation but he wants our time together to be mainly about having fun and that maybe I second guess myself too much. I was hurt a couple of years ago and I think I get paranoid because of the way the guy from a couple of years ago treated me.

- You'll have noticed that I posted a thread before about the fact he doesn't ask a lot of questions about my life. I was advised here that I shouldn't about this. However he still doesn't ask me lots of questions. He said he prefers to learn about me by observation and listening and adding some thoughts of his own.

 

So what do you guys think I should do?

 

My current plan is to just wait until we have that weekend together at the end of the month and maybe put it to the back of my mind until then as I think I've already put it out there what I'm thinking. I'm going to distract myself over the next week until I next see him by just getting stuck in to all my weekly activities and the to-do list.

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He seems interested in you, has introduced you to his family, is planning events ahead. It all seems positive. I can appreciate you like to hear his voice; he may not have such a need for conversation (I know my son would wonder why his girlfriend wanted to talk on the phone when they were not together!). Basically though he seems happy and ok at the moment and you are getting increasingly anxious about:

 

 

- where this is going

- how close you too really are

- whether he is as interested as you are.

 

 

I think at this stage it is difficult. He wants fun and to enjoy being with you without feeling pressure. He knows you are getting anxious and it will put him under pressure. Take the pressure off and see what happens. Back off a bit, let him take the initiative more to contact you or make arrangements. Try to imagine this is not going anywhere and do not expect it to. Simply behave as if that were the case. Avoid challenging him it at all, just be less available. If he is not trying to clarify things more with you at this point, then being less available will make him think about whether he wants more or less of you.

 

 

Only seeing each other once a week seems a bit limiting, but maybe it is for practical purposes. If, however, it is because that is all he wants to do, then maybe you are justified in feeling he seems less interested than you.

 

 

I would not expect him to show his affection and needs the same way you do. He may need to know you will respond to his texts whereas you feel a strong need to speak to him. Talk about this things, maybe in a humorous way, but honestly if he is not making an effort on any front, then back off a bit and let him come after you. There is a balance to be had between not putting pressure on him and ignoring your own feelings.

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thecrucible

Thanks Spiderowl. I've just spoken to my best friend and she highlighted all the positive aspects and has told me not to worry or analyse too much - I know I have a tendency to do this. And I'm looking at it now and I'm actually thinking about it from his point of view and I can see where I've gone wrong before or overreacted. I feel the need to apologise to him but maybe I ought not to bring up the subject at all with him. Luckily I don't have to worry about the next date because we arranged this for later in the week (though exact arrangements not set yet). He picks me up from work and then drives me back in the morning which is wonderful of him.

 

My best friend made a few suggestions: not to get worried about texts or their meaning/interpretation, perhaps call him (if I do this, I'll have a purpose like making plans for what we'll do the next meetup) and make a list of all the positives to put myself in a relaxed mindset. She has warned me that I don't want to scare him away. I should also make the next time I spend with him as fun as possible and show him more of my fun side.

 

- where this is going

- how close you too really are

- whether he is as interested as you are.

 

I don't necessarily think it's anything he's doing (me overthinking it maybe). I think it's my own issues which I have to nip in the bud and set a blank slate. It's issues related to a guy in the past who staged a pseudo-relationship on me. It ruined a lot of my trust and abandon of the beginning stages of a relationship for me. After we were broken up I learned about how his actions were designed to keep me on the hook and weren't for genuine affection. It's unfair for that to affect things now though...

 

Take the pressure off and see what happens. Back off a bit, let him take the initiative more to contact you or make arrangements. Try to imagine this is not going anywhere and do not expect it to. Simply behave as if that were the case. Avoid challenging him it at all, just be less available. If he is not trying to clarify things more with you at this point, then being less available will make him think about whether he wants more or less of you.

 

I'm thinking about how I can be less available. I have a lot planned for tomorrow so that should help. I also do a lot of volunteering during the week so that will balance things out a bit. I'll try and imagine what you said. I still want to do things like send a 'good morning' text but I could leave it for tomorrow and give him a bit of space to wonder. Any other advice? I think I'll try and focus on getting through my list of stuff I've delayed doing this week and that should distract me as well.

 

- Only seeing each other once a week seems a bit limiting, but maybe it is for practical purposes. If, however, it is because that is all he wants to do, then maybe you are justified in feeling he seems less interested than you.

 

It's mainly to do with his shifts. He gets a rota every month and there's sometimes weekend work. However I also work every Saturday and I have 3-4 activities during the week. I'm conscious of the fact that I might not be available enough and while I want to have some independence, I would drop the odd one if it meant I didn't see him for weeks otherwise. He has shown me his rota and told me when he is free for the next few weeks. I saw him twice this week. When I met his parents and friends from home (approx. 500 miles away) I went down in the car with him and we stayed for almost a week.

 

Talk about this things, maybe in a humorous way, but honestly if he is not making an effort on any front, then back off a bit and let him come after you. There is a balance to be had between not putting pressure on him and ignoring your own feelings.

 

He has listened to me before and made the 1 or 2 phone calls between seeing each other but because of what's just happened and the fact I want to seem laid back, I think I'm going to not make as much of a fuss about the phone call thing for a little bit and see what happens.

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People are all so different it's a bit hard to tell with him yet.

And among that some are fairly unemotional in nature and he does sound a bit like one of those, hence not really being fussed about the phone either or getting too carried away,

But he does def' sound interested and winding up , slowly , those types do wind up slowly.

 

Shame you can't get more time together from here on it'd really start to show what's there or not between you and he should want to increase from there if he's good with it.

l'd hang in there though and give it a chance.

Try to go with the flow a bit more but hey at the same time there's nothing wrong with a bit of a nudge too, some of us guys need a touch of prodding here and there.

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I honestly think that it might be a better idea to focus on handling your anxiety, at this stage, rather than searching for things in the relationship to soothe your anxiety. The R sounds fine, and it sounds like you are overthinking things (which I understand, being a chronic overthinker myself :)).

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WaitingForBardot

/..snip../I saw him twice this week. When I met his parents and friends from home (approx. 500 miles away) I went down in the car with him and we stayed for almost a week.

This is not something I would do with a woman unless I felt there was some possibility of a future together. Even at only 2 months in, which you know is very early.

 

I echo the advice already given to try to relax and let go a little bit, and let things progress at their own pace. And of course don't play games with your availability, that never accomplishes what we hope it will.

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thecrucible

Thanks for all of your help Everyone :rolleyes:. I'm going to look at this thread again if I feel myself feeling wobbly. Fortunately one of my best friends was really helpful and helped me see there was nothing wrong. He's certainly not going to find out that I did feel wobbly! Our communication is fairly back to normal now. He actually sent me a text last night saying he missed me and was looking forward to seeing me more than he could convey in words. This was after I followed your advice to hold back and give him a bit of space. It seemed to work. I've also held back a little in intensity in my texts - not trying to play games of course, just saving a bit for when I see him!

 

I mentioned the thing with the phone calls and hoping he'd call as well as text. As I said I don't want to make a huge thing of this. Maybe I'll just be calm and specific with him and say casually "Can you call me on Friday to confirm plans?" or something similar when I next see him. I don't think the spontaneity is really that important if I get to hear his voice from time to time. I'll just go with the flow though as you're all suggesting. Maybe things will work themselves out? Obviously there may come a time when I want to discuss things like our communication needs but I'll just have to wait for what feels like the right time to bring it up.

 

I'm pleased I followed your advice :rolleyes:. I'd really be regretting it now if I'd have sent him any texts asking him why he was texting less or being overly anxious.

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thecrucible
I honestly think that it might be a better idea to focus on handling your anxiety, at this stage, rather than searching for things in the relationship to soothe your anxiety. The R sounds fine, and it sounds like you are overthinking things (which I understand, being a chronic overthinker myself :)).

 

I was diagnosed with an Anxiety disorder several years ago although it's not really how I choose to label myself. I have told him about it - well he knows now. It's important to me that a man understands this as I do have my moments from time to time. It's got to the stage of being very mild now so mostly I function like everyone else - it's just the odd trigger which brings it up again.

 

I am a huge overthinker. He is not - he's quite level-headed. The last time I saw him I was saying that the overthinking is just me - doesn't mean he has to solve a problem. Usually my mood gets back to normal soon after an overthinking episode! My mind just needs time to process my emotions. It's a difficult one - I don't want him to read too much into my anxious moods but at the same time, I wouldn't want to be someone I'd have to hide my real self from. Hopefully more will come out in our conversations but I'm aiming to keep things light and fun the next day we see each other.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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thecrucible

UPDATE:

 

So I know it's almost a month since I last posted. So what's new?

 

1. Still anxious I've been trying to keep my anxiety under wraps but that hasn't been completely possible (I'm not a shivering wreck but a man can always tell I think when you're anxious). I've also done what you said, I've just given him some space and done my own thing. This is as much for my sanity. Basically, something doesn't feel right but I need to figure out what it is. Yesterday I went about my day as normal but I didn't take my phone with me so I wasn't sitting around waiting for text replies. I'm making efforts to stay strong and secure myself. The texts have gotten less. I've not asked him about this, just tried to mirror him.

 

2. Had some advice...I've got to know a psychologist (not practising professional but from that background). It's a lady much older than me, a friend of a friend, who's been counselling me informally. She's told me that there are some warning signs about him. These aren't immediate dumping grounds but she says I'll need to find a way to get to the bottom of them so I can protect myself from getting hurt. But where I'm not losing my power. So I'll have to ask him a few well articulated questions and make sure I don't put words in his mouth so I get an honest response.

*Warning signs according to this lady

- his lack of LTR history - I need to find out whether this is commitment phobia and what this is all really about...as he's mid thirties and has never been in love before. She also says that I have to be on alert that a guy like this could be really set in his ways in terms of his expectations of me and how I should act in the relationship...that I need to watch out for potential conflict surrounding this.

- financial issues - he's hinted that he has debts to repay. However he has a reasonably well-paid job for a single guy with no responsibilities. He runs a car but it's second hand and he bought it from a family member. So the friend says this is a warning as to - where are the debts coming from? He's brought it up before but I've not yet asked him for more details.

- lack of phone calls - this is something I mentioned above but it's still an issue. Again I don't believe in forcing it with men and I don't think if I did, it would put me in a position of strength. He knows I like phone calls as I've made it very clear. I'm always positive on the phone with him. However he hasn't stepped up with this. I might get a phone call once a week but this can vary and sometimes it is only because I've asked him to. He did say I can call him anytime but I haven't done this. To me that is him asking me to jump through hoops before he's put forth the effort himself. I would happily initiate phone calls if I knew he did more often.

-body language - She thinks his body language is off and he looks colder than me in photographs and we don't look like a couple. Again not grounds for reading too much into that but probably is a sign when you really think about it. If anyone cares to know and PMs me, I'll show you a pic.

 

3. Our next meeting...I'm seeing him later in the week for only one night and a morning. It's the only way we can work it with our shifts and distance between us. He's picking me up from work. I won't sleep with him that night as I just don't feel right and the more I think about this whole situation, the more I want to draw back physically to protect myself.

 

4.How do I really feel when I'm with him? - I thought I was enjoying it and I'm not questioning it too much but I've recently had a thought that I really want to see where my mind really is on that...We've had fun on road trips and sightseeing together. We've had a bit of down time too just chilling and watching movies. I enjoy his company in the main and we have lots in common but there are a few issues.

- questions - you'll see I had a thread before about my initial gut instinct about him not asking many questions on the date and he is still the same to be honest. He does ask me some things and he knows more about me but if I'm being really honest with myself, I don't think he really knows much about me...I give him opportunities to ask and make statements about myself so that can lead on to more but it can be like drawing blood from a stone. I'm quite a deep person and conversations are important to me.

- I need to see more of what he's like when there's no distractions - like just us, no movie in the background or no event we're at - just us, talking.

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Are you looking for LTR/marriage?

 

If so... Frankly I have the gut feeling that he's not a good material. He's probably fine for casual dating though.

 

He doesn't show high interest in you (lack of questions about you, lack of phone calls). This can change of course, but are you willing to gamble?

 

Lack of relationship history in his age is a red flag. My last bf was like this and it showed in every aspect of our lives: he was very self-centered, non-committal (regardless of the opposite statements), and just generally didn't know how to navigate a relationship. He was 37 when I met him with no relationships longer than 3-4 months before me.

 

Debt... It is too early to ask details about it, but again depending on your goals could be an issue. Living with someone that is bad with managing money is a difficult task, and considering the rest is not that great... hard to justify the effort.

 

PM me picture showing the negative body language if you want to... IMO it is subjective, but still, to some extent you can gauge interest from body language.

 

Trust your gut.

 

UPDATE:

 

So I know it's almost a month since I last posted. So what's new?

 

1. Still anxious I've been trying to keep my anxiety under wraps but that hasn't been completely possible (I'm not a shivering wreck but a man can always tell I think when you're anxious). I've also done what you said, I've just given him some space and done my own thing. This is as much for my sanity. Basically, something doesn't feel right but I need to figure out what it is. Yesterday I went about my day as normal but I didn't take my phone with me so I wasn't sitting around waiting for text replies. I'm making efforts to stay strong and secure myself. The texts have gotten less. I've not asked him about this, just tried to mirror him.

 

2. Had some advice...I've got to know a psychologist (not practising professional but from that background). It's a lady much older than me, a friend of a friend, who's been counselling me informally. She's told me that there are some warning signs about him. These aren't immediate dumping grounds but she says I'll need to find a way to get to the bottom of them so I can protect myself from getting hurt. But where I'm not losing my power. So I'll have to ask him a few well articulated questions and make sure I don't put words in his mouth so I get an honest response.

*Warning signs according to this lady

- his lack of LTR history - I need to find out whether this is commitment phobia and what this is all really about...as he's mid thirties and has never been in love before. She also says that I have to be on alert that a guy like this could be really set in his ways in terms of his expectations of me and how I should act in the relationship...that I need to watch out for potential conflict surrounding this.

- financial issues - he's hinted that he has debts to repay. However he has a reasonably well-paid job for a single guy with no responsibilities. He runs a car but it's second hand and he bought it from a family member. So the friend says this is a warning as to - where are the debts coming from? He's brought it up before but I've not yet asked him for more details.

- lack of phone calls - this is something I mentioned above but it's still an issue. Again I don't believe in forcing it with men and I don't think if I did, it would put me in a position of strength. He knows I like phone calls as I've made it very clear. I'm always positive on the phone with him. However he hasn't stepped up with this. I might get a phone call once a week but this can vary and sometimes it is only because I've asked him to. He did say I can call him anytime but I haven't done this. To me that is him asking me to jump through hoops before he's put forth the effort himself. I would happily initiate phone calls if I knew he did more often.

-body language - She thinks his body language is off and he looks colder than me in photographs and we don't look like a couple. Again not grounds for reading too much into that but probably is a sign when you really think about it. If anyone cares to know and PMs me, I'll show you a pic.

 

3. Our next meeting...I'm seeing him later in the week for only one night and a morning. It's the only way we can work it with our shifts and distance between us. He's picking me up from work. I won't sleep with him that night as I just don't feel right and the more I think about this whole situation, the more I want to draw back physically to protect myself.

 

4.How do I really feel when I'm with him? - I thought I was enjoying it and I'm not questioning it too much but I've recently had a thought that I really want to see where my mind really is on that...We've had fun on road trips and sightseeing together. We've had a bit of down time too just chilling and watching movies. I enjoy his company in the main and we have lots in common but there are a few issues.

- questions - you'll see I had a thread before about my initial gut instinct about him not asking many questions on the date and he is still the same to be honest. He does ask me some things and he knows more about me but if I'm being really honest with myself, I don't think he really knows much about me...I give him opportunities to ask and make statements about myself so that can lead on to more but it can be like drawing blood from a stone. I'm quite a deep person and conversations are important to me.

- I need to see more of what he's like when there's no distractions - like just us, no movie in the background or no event we're at - just us, talking.

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thecrucible

Hi No_Go,

 

Sorry it took a while for me to reply. I have been navigating this with the help of an older female friend. She is helping me ask the right questions to suss him out. I've also pulled back. I have had tears but he doesn't know about this. I have planned the day to ask him a direct question about the status of our relationship but am holding back physically first. I didn't sleep with him the last time I saw him because I didn't feel right and I won't again until we've had that conversation. I told him I felt sick.

 

I want to hear his truth not the right words. He asked me if something was up recently after I slowed down with texts. I told him I wished he'd call more as I feel like he's stringing me along. For the past 3 days, he's called me every day...but no texts so it's flipped and texts are generally to set up phone calls like "Can I call you this evening instead? Something came up". It's weird because it doesn't have a spontaneous flow.

 

He doesn't show high interest in you (lack of questions about you, lack of phone calls). This can change of course, but are you willing to gamble?

 

He has been better recently but yeah this is the worst imo. Since I've been holding back physically, I'm trying to gauge whether more of this will come out of him. Time will tell.

 

Trust your gut.

 

Right now the gut is saying that while I enjoy spending time with him, I feel that the emotional connection hasn't quite happened yet because he is not letting me in or he doesn't know how to build one with me. I'm holding back on sex to gain back some emotional control and dignity. I hope this will put him in a position to ask me "what's going on with you?" and then I can say "I feel more like an fwb than a gf...what am I you?" and get him to tell his truth. If it becomes a break-up situation, I'll still feel like I've won because I held back on sex while having doubts. I find it hard to contemplate sex with him at the moment because of the lack of trust I am feeling with him.

 

Oh and I'll send the pic soon for body language...But I'll wait a few days and report on how he is when I next see him. Unfortunately I feel a bit tearful so I'm trying to handle one hard truth at a time. I've arranged a daytime meeting for next time.

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You're right to not have sex with him if you don't feel like it, but keep it mind this is not going to change who he is. If he wants to be with you, he will - sex or not. And vice versa. (Btw he may get more attentive temporarily to get sex, but that type of attention is not what you want anyway...)

 

Generally for relationships is that the first few months are usually the best in terms of passion, attentiveness etc. If he's not meeting your emotional needs now, it is unlikely that he'll step up later (exceptions exist of course, but it is not frequent development of a relationship)

 

For now - the best is to watch and collect data about his reactions. In few weeks you'll know hopefully what the best decision is.

 

 

Hi No_Go,

 

Sorry it took a while for me to reply. I have been navigating this with the help of an older female friend. She is helping me ask the right questions to suss him out. I've also pulled back. I have had tears but he doesn't know about this. I have planned the day to ask him a direct question about the status of our relationship but am holding back physically first. I didn't sleep with him the last time I saw him because I didn't feel right and I won't again until we've had that conversation. I told him I felt sick.

 

I want to hear his truth not the right words. He asked me if something was up recently after I slowed down with texts. I told him I wished he'd call more as I feel like he's stringing me along. For the past 3 days, he's called me every day...but no texts so it's flipped and texts are generally to set up phone calls like "Can I call you this evening instead? Something came up". It's weird because it doesn't have a spontaneous flow.

 

 

 

He has been better recently but yeah this is the worst imo. Since I've been holding back physically, I'm trying to gauge whether more of this will come out of him. Time will tell.

 

 

 

Right now the gut is saying that while I enjoy spending time with him, I feel that the emotional connection hasn't quite happened yet because he is not letting me in or he doesn't know how to build one with me. I'm holding back on sex to gain back some emotional control and dignity. I hope this will put him in a position to ask me "what's going on with you?" and then I can say "I feel more like an fwb than a gf...what am I you?" and get him to tell his truth. If it becomes a break-up situation, I'll still feel like I've won because I held back on sex while having doubts. I find it hard to contemplate sex with him at the moment because of the lack of trust I am feeling with him.

 

Oh and I'll send the pic soon for body language...But I'll wait a few days and report on how he is when I next see him. Unfortunately I feel a bit tearful so I'm trying to handle one hard truth at a time. I've arranged a daytime meeting for next time.

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I think you're anxious for a valid reason.

 

Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my last casual dating relationship in that he didn't ask a lot of questions about me, hardly any affection shown toward me, didn't call as much as his text messages he sent and seeing each other on the average once a week and this was coaxed.

 

Yeah I did meet his friends and took a couple of holidays together.

 

Two months is very early to tell what's going to happen.

 

I would just sit back and enjoy it for what it is. I can't imagine worrying about this isn't helping the cause any.

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lucy_in_disguise

I think you are over analyzing, but I think you should dump this guy. It's been two months, and you haven't really clicked. I think that should be enough information to make a decision. Dating is not rocket science- it should be fun. In the beginning it should be easy. At two months you should both be feeling excited about each other. This guy doesn't seem to be able to meet your emotional needs. What do you see in him that makes you want to keep dating?

 

While I don't think understanding why things aren't working is that important at the early stages of relationships, in this situation, I think it's all his lack of experience. I don't think he's stringing you along, but he's not a warm, emotive person, and he doesn't have the emotional skills that come with building emotional connections in a long term relationship to know what to do. At his age I do believe it is a red flag that will manifest in a variety of ways, from poor emotional intelligence to commitment phobia. Time to move on.

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sunking101

35, never been in love and never had a LTR? That's red flag territory unless he's ugly as sin.

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Are you unsure whether you love him enough to plan a future? I didn't really see anything in there that made me think you were in love, more like you were nervous because he's moving things forward and you don't always feel connected to him and you can't totally be yourself around him.

 

So my advice is do not jump into anything. If you are not the lighthearted woman he wants and that is a strain for you, if you cohabitated or had kids, that would come to a head real fast and make you both very unhappy. So take it slow. Be sure he knows that you are not June Cleaver.

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thecrucible

Hi Everyone,

 

Just trying to process this without being upset so I haven't been on here for a while. The latest in the saga is that I told him that I want to be loved and not a fwb as I sat him down in a café last week...two days later we were walking together and he stopped and said to me "I think I love you" but his behaviours haven't changed and his communication hasn't upped so it doesn't seem true that he does love me. He says it but I don't feel it yet. He has started calling me everyday but it's scheduled i.e. "I'll call you tomorrow at 8pm" rather than spontaneous...because he didn't do it without me mentioning, I can't trust he would do it willingly.

 

I asked him about past relationships yesterday. He finally admitted that his longest relationship was 2 months...so I'm not sure what to think really...he previously said he'd been in one for 4 months so he went back on what he told me before.

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2. Had some advice...I've got to know a psychologist (not practising professional but from that background). It's a lady much older than me, a friend of a friend, who's been counselling me informally. She's told me that there are some warning signs about him.

 

This jumped out at me as a red flag - about her, not him. The thing about therapists and psychologists is that they are supposed to help you analyze your own behaviours and thought processes. They are NOT supposed to give you their personal opinion on a person you are dating! :eek:

 

So, while it's possible that her personal opinion is valid and true... I wouldn't give it any more weight than any other personal opinion, from anyone. In fact it leaves a somewhat bad taste in my mouth that she would try to use her "background" to justify her personal opinion, especially given that a person who has genuinely trained as a psychologist should know this very well. I would be very wary of this person.

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