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So, I kind of need advice. I have a boyfriend who I've been dating for almost 4 years. We moved in together after we'd been together for 3 years where we lived 2 hours (by car) apart. I love him. He makes me laugh, jokes a lot and supports me and believes in me when I need to go to exams or look for jobs. He takes me out for dates and surprises me with tickets to shows etc.

I know he also wants to be with me, as we speak a lot about our future together.

 

My boyfriend has been very clear from the beginning, that he is a very honest guy. He tells me if he thinks I need to start working out again, if I've gained weight and even pin-points other parts of my body that could be "better". He thinks that nobody is ever perfect and that you can always change for the better and you should always strive to become better.

 

When I moved in to his apartment, I clearly stated that I did NOT want to do all the household chores and that we need to help each other out. I study and he has a full-time job. I told him that it would be ok for now, if he just vacuum and I cook, dust, do the dishes, clean, change sheets, etc. seeing as I'm home a lot more than he is (I only have school 12 hours a week). I however also told him, that when I get a full-time job, it would have to be split more equally. He said of course.

However, yesterday he told me otherwise. He tells me that household chores are my job and that when I get a full-time job, I would have to do them all when I get home. When things need to be dusted, he even sometimes writes "Clean me" on them, instead of just wiping them off.... I tell him that I feel like he doesn't appreciate everything I do, but just says it's nothing that should be appreciated, as it's "my job" and something that has to be done anyway. I also have to say that he is a MOMMAS BOY. When I'm visiting his parents, I see his dad doing the same to his mother, as my boyfriend does to me.. Before I moved in, he even always went to have dinner at his parents place.

 

I honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore and I really need some good advice here...?

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You can't deal with it. I know women who've tried to deal with it through marriage counseling, through getting a full-time job, every which way, but if that is his mindset, he is going to be utterly USELESS to you when you have children, which you absolutely should NOT do with him!

 

Dump him. It's not easy to find a guy who won't try to crowd the woman into doing all the housework. If you do it now, he is never going to help. Tell him to feel free to hire a maid out of his own money to his half. But he's not going to do that. You do not need this in your life, being someone's maid. He doesn't even respect you at all, so what are you there for? Sex. That's what you're there for. And to clean.

 

You can do better! For that matter, you'd be better off alone.

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Get a housekeeper or move out.

 

 

What would happen if you pointed out a flaw with him or told him he needs to lose weight? If he wouldn't accept that gratefully as constructive criticism, he's more than sexist; he's borderline abusive.

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Get a housekeeper or move out.

 

 

What would happen if you pointed out a flaw with him or told him he needs to lose weight? If he wouldn't accept that gratefully as constructive criticism, he's more than sexist; he's borderline abusive.

 

Honestly, I sometimes do the same to him after all these years. He's not perfect at all and I do sometimes tell him he needs to go back to fitness with a little cheeky smile. He handles it very well - but I feel like I don't do it as often as he does.

I, however, have a tendency to not take things lightly and don't find that kind of joking particularly funny.. Maybe that's because I always had issues with myself and used to get bullied when I was younger. I don't know.

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Chances are good he won't change his view on this... especially not if this is how he was raised. It's ingrained in him and likely will not change.

 

He's told you how he feels about it and what he wants. It's up to you to decide if you are ok with that or not. It might not be a big deal now because you are home more often but down the road it will be. Especially if you get married and decide to have children one day and you find yourself doing all of the work with raising the kids, cleaning the house and working full time. If you are looking for an equal partnership, this man is not it.

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So, I kind of need advice. I have a boyfriend who I've been dating for almost 4 years. We moved in together after we'd been together for 3 years where we lived 2 hours (by car) apart. I love him. He makes me laugh, jokes a lot and supports me and believes in me when I need to go to exams or look for jobs. He takes me out for dates and surprises me with tickets to shows etc.

I know he also wants to be with me, as we speak a lot about our future together.

 

My boyfriend has been very clear from the beginning, that he is a very honest guy. He tells me if he thinks I need to start working out again, if I've gained weight and even pin-points other parts of my body that could be "better". He thinks that nobody is ever perfect and that you can always change for the better and you should always strive to become better.

 

When I moved in to his apartment, I clearly stated that I did NOT want to do all the household chores and that we need to help each other out. I study and he has a full-time job. I told him that it would be ok for now, if he just vacuum and I cook, dust, do the dishes, clean, change sheets, etc. seeing as I'm home a lot more than he is (I only have school 12 hours a week). I however also told him, that when I get a full-time job, it would have to be split more equally. He said of course.

However, yesterday he told me otherwise. He tells me that household chores are my job and that when I get a full-time job, I would have to do them all when I get home. When things need to be dusted, he even sometimes writes "Clean me" on them, instead of just wiping them off.... I tell him that I feel like he doesn't appreciate everything I do, but just says it's nothing that should be appreciated, as it's "my job" and something that has to be done anyway. I also have to say that he is a MOMMAS BOY. When I'm visiting his parents, I see his dad doing the same to his mother, as my boyfriend does to me.. Before I moved in, he even always went to have dinner at his parents place.

 

I honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore and I really need some good advice here...?

You should stick a post-it note on his forehead with *BAD BOYFRIEND* written on it! But seriously, living together is a 50/50 deal, it can't be 75/25 etc etc. You have to sit him down, glue him to the chair if you have to, and try to resolve this, because if he doesn't change, you're gone. I myself love to cook, for me and others and would never ask a woman to cook for me, nor clean up the mess I made after ie:dishes. Good luck to you :p

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His behaviour is disrespectful and I sense an element of 'provocation' here. Why he should want to wind you up, I do not know. Does he feel you are not giving him enough attention? Have you lost interest in the physical side of the relationship? Regardless, if he resorts to this kind of behaviour when he does or does not feel neglected, it is not a good sign. I think you need to address his disrespect and tell him you won't put up with this behaviour. Either he changes it or you walk. He's trying to dominate and you either let him or you expect him to treat you with respect.

 

I have a feeling though that you would not carry this through and you would have to mean what you say. It does not bode well that he is behaving like this so soon in your relationship. Do you really want years more disrespect for your future?

 

Regarding physical fitness, that is something that is likely to be transient. At some point, one or the other of you might be ill or laid up for a while. You might get pregnant and not be as slim and fit as you used to be. Basing a relationship on physical perfection is madness.

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His behaviour is disrespectful and I sense an element of 'provocation' here. Why he should want to wind you up, I do not know. Does he feel you are not giving him enough attention? Have you lost interest in the physical side of the relationship? Regardless, if he resorts to this kind of behaviour when he does or does not feel neglected, it is not a good sign. I think you need to address his disrespect and tell him you won't put up with this behaviour. Either he changes it or you walk. He's trying to dominate and you either let him or you expect him to treat you with respect.

 

I have a feeling though that you would not carry this through and you would have to mean what you say. It does not bode well that he is behaving like this so soon in your relationship. Do you really want years more disrespect for your future?

 

Regarding physical fitness, that is something that is likely to be transient. At some point, one or the other of you might be ill or laid up for a while. You might get pregnant and not be as slim and fit as you used to be. Basing a relationship on physical perfection is madness.

 

This is just one of the tactics abusers use. They find your flaws and try to make you feel guilty about them so you will feel bad calling them on their crap, like not doing the housework. The goal is to make you feel like you are LUCKY he wants you at all and better do everything the way he wants it.

 

It's not good. It's bad. Trade up or get a second job and hire a maid.

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It is not unusual.

Women still end up doing most of the household chores and when there are kids, most of the looking after the kids stuff too and that is with a full time job.

It is one of the reasons women tend to file for divorce. Equality has not reached the marital home yet. Traditional roles are often the norm.

 

Now he thinks he has you, ie you are going nowhere anytime soon, he doesn't need to do the household chores as you do them better??? and he is a man after all and all that domestic stuff is woman's work...

Even the most seemingly enlightened men often change their tune once you end up living together and they get used to having a housekeeper.

His father taught him well.

He won't change.

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OP, if you're covering half of the living expenses, then he should be covering half of the chores. What is the current arrangement of your shared life together? What does he handle and what do you handle? You don't actually need to spell it out for us... it's merely a thought exercise for you. If you total up everything you each bring to the relationship and it still feels unequal, then you need to have a discussion about what you would like to change. If he's unwilling to work with you (and stick to it), then you need to walk away.

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OP, if you're covering half of the living expenses, then he should be covering half of the chores. What is the current arrangement of your shared life together? What does he handle and what do you handle? You don't actually need to spell it out for us... it's merely a thought exercise for you. If you total up everything you each bring to the relationship and it still feels unequal, then you need to have a discussion about what you would like to change. If he's unwilling to work with you (and stick to it), then you need to walk away.

 

I do want to answer this though. We pay 50/50 on rent and bills (However, he pays over half of my bill for the gym). I also do some grocery shopping but let him know when I can't afford more and then he pays - He earns 3 times as much a month more than I do. He always pays everything when we go on dates or if we have take-out. Never once asked me to pay for any of that and he never complains if I tell him I can't afford or asks if he can please pay because I can't afford it. He just does it.

 

He does his own laundry + towels, sheets, rags from the kitchen and the dishtowels (He uses his mothers machines though, so he refuses to wash my laundry because it would be embarrasing if his mother saw him touching my dirty underwear - GASP!). Sometimes he helps cook and if I ask him to start cooking because I'll be home late or if I ask him to bring home a specific grocery needed for dinner, he'll usually do that as well. He mainly helps cooking when we have steak, because I have no idea how to cook a steak properly.

 

When I complain about how I do almost every household chore, he says it's because I'm the best at it and that he could never be as good at it as I am. I do agree when it comes to dishes. I am very perfectionist and hates it when there's even one single dirty plate in the kitchen. I cannot stand it. He doesn't care if it sits on the kitchen counter for weeks, dirty. I'm fast at it, whereas he's insanely slow. We have a very old apartment, so the kitchen counter is made for... well, small people (the countertop is even small for me and I'm like 165cm). He complains it hurts his back to do the dishes, leaning so much forward.

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I do want to answer this though. We pay 50/50 on rent and bills (However, he pays over half of my bill for the gym). I also do some grocery shopping but let him know when I can't afford more and then he pays - He earns 3 times as much a month more than I do. He always pays everything when we go on dates or if we have take-out. Never once asked me to pay for any of that and he never complains if I tell him I can't afford or asks if he can please pay because I can't afford it. He just does it.
It sounds like you're both getting benefits from this traditional arrangement. Are you willing to part with some of your financial benefits in order to achieve equality with the household chores?
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It sounds like you're both getting benefits from this traditional arrangement. Are you willing to part with some of your financial benefits in order to achieve equality with the household chores?

 

I can't at the moment but am willing to when I get a full-time job. I pay for what I can at the moment.

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Dating is about figuring out whether you're compatible. You aren't! It will only get worse, much worse if you make the mistake of marrying him and/or having children with him.

 

If you put a frog in boiling water, it jumps out immediately. If you put it in warm water and slowly heat it to the boiling point, the animal often stays until it's too late. What he's doing to you is no different. With his constant digs and refusal to compromise, he is slowly but surely eroding your self-esteem and your boundaries when it comes to your needs in a relationship. Stick around at your own peril.

 

Write 'goodbye' in the dust and move out.

This!!! ^^^^^^^^^^

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Sit him down and tell him that you are his girlfriend not his maid. Tell him that he will start treating you with respect because you're currently not happy with the living arrangement, and hence not happy with the relationship.

 

If he says he will change, give him 1 week to prove it. If no change then as suggested above write "goodbye" in the dirt and leave.

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This guy is not going to change. You can either accept it, knowing this is what the rest of your life will be like or move on.

Also don't think things will change when you have children...

 

To be honnest, I would dump him based on the body shaming alone, but that's just me.

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I guess it depends on what you are wanting. If you want a casual boyfriend, sure, you can stick around and just date (although I would question why even move in together in that case).

 

If you want a LTR or potential marriage, this is a bad choice regardless of whether you are traditional or egalitarian. The 'traditional' arrangement involves the woman doing all the household chores, sure, but it also involves the man being the main breadwinner. Which means he pays the majority of rent, bills, groceries, everything. Not just dates. Unless the two of you go out every single day or have very expensive dates frequently, paying for dates is largely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. It certainly does not make up for one person not doing any housework.

 

I grew up in a traditional culture and I have never seen the sort of relationship that you mention (splitting the bills/rent 50/50 and only one person doing the housework/childcare). They just don't last, because resentment will surely fester.

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That is why I will always support living together for a year before the wedding. Dating someone and living together is a totally different game.

 

Your boyfriend is more than sexist, he's controlling and demeaning. Like his father he views women as maids he can order around. It won't take long, or maybe he's already doing it, he'll be sitting with his feet up in front of the TV and ordering you to bring you a bear and to move your arse.

 

That's what you want for yourself?

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When I complain about how I do almost every household chore, he says it's because I'm the best at it and that he could never be as good at it as I am. I do agree when it comes to dishes. I am very perfectionist and hates it when there's even one single dirty plate in the kitchen. I cannot stand it. He doesn't care if it sits on the kitchen counter for weeks, dirty. I'm fast at it, whereas he's insanely slow. We have a very old apartment, so the kitchen counter is made for... well, small people (the countertop is even small for me and I'm like 165cm). He complains it hurts his back to do the dishes, leaning so much forward.

 

Do you hear how condescending this is?? You're so much better at it than him?? Is he incapable? Incapacitated in some way? It's not about who is better (and who can't learn to clean??), it's that he is lazy and he's moved a maid in who gives him sex. I hate cleaning and there are some things I could be better at. But I get on with it because I have to. I do live alone so there is that, but when I didn't, I tried to pull my weight with cleaning regardless of how much I didn't like it. I contributed to the mess, how guilty would I feel if I didn't help clean it up!?

 

It sounds like you're both getting benefits from this traditional arrangement. Are you willing to part with some of your financial benefits in order to achieve equality with the household chores?

 

The thing here though is that the OP is willing to take on more of the chores because she recognises she's at home more and the bf contributes a little more financially. But we're talking about the future when she gets a full time job. The bf has informed her she will be expected to continue to do 100% of the chores on top of that :sick: Where does he even get off saying that??

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I agree that this doesn't fit the parameters of a traditional relationship, and genuine honesty means negotiation, compromise and addressing his own flaws.

 

If he can't reconcile himself to the basics of splitting up chores - you're his partner, not his servant - you can anticipate more frustration and resentment if you get married or have children with him. His attitude won't improve, but likely will increase in scope; if he thinks it's fine to opt out of housework because you're "better" at it due to your gender, imagine his attitude towards childcare when he's a parent.

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