Pretty gutted

[spiderowl]

I can't believe I'm in this situation really. I've lost a loved one very recently and obviously that is pretty bad. What is making this worse is that the guy I've been chatting to online got frustrated with me too. He really thinks I'm deliberately frustrating him and is upset and angry about it. It is over meeting. He wants to meet at short notice, maybe one day's notice or same day, and come to my town. As he would be travelling some distance, I want the option of inviting him back so he doesn't have to travel back at night. I feel it would be rude to just leave him somewhere or suggest he stay in a hotel. I have chatted with him a long time and trust him. I need time to tidy, clean and do the usual things one would if meeting someone for the first time. He has a totally different style and feels this is odd. He has this impulse to meet me, decides on the spot and then suggests meeting. Last time this happened, I was upset due to recent events and in no fit state, but he got frustrated with me again because I said I wasn't in a fit state to meet someone for the first time.

 

This keeps happening, this same 'argument' and we both crash and fall. I can understand that he wants to meet and feels the need to act then it appears that I am putting blocks in the way, but I need to plan. We haven't met before. This is getting more and more depressing to the point where I feel I can't be in touch with him any more. I don't want him getting angry with me and no matter what I say, he sees it as some sort of power thing or me being overly vain or something. He likes me as I am, he says.

 

I'd appreciate others' thoughts on this. This guy is the best connection I've had in years, we literally click in an amazing way. It is just this bizarre clash. I feel he is self-sabotaging here and other than cutting off contact altogether (which is incredibly hurtful to both of us), I can see no way round it. I can't put up with him being frustrated and angry with me. It is not only disrespectful but it is really hurtful and, of course, is happening on top of everything else. I have felt emotionally shattered recently. I am willing to cooperate with him, just need fair notice.

Edited February 17, 2017 by spiderowl

[RecentChange]

Honestly, from what you have said here, I think you are the one sabotaging.

 

What is going on with your house that you need more than a day, or even a few hours notice to tidy up?

 

It sounds like you have a fair bit of anxiety - when you say lost someone, as in they died? Or something else?

 

Personally, I agree to same day dates. I don't need lots of time to "prepare".

 

If this has been an on going thing, why don't you clean your house TODAY so that you will be ready for when he can come over?

 

I think its best to get the meeting face to face as soon as possible, before lots of time and emotions are wasted on "talk". But the fact that you two are already arguing, before you have even met - tells me this probably isn't going to work out.

[spiderowl]

I appreciate your reply. I just want time to do my house. I struggle with physical things and it is not an easy place to keep, plus it is not my priority most of the time. If I knew he was coming at the end of the week, that would be fine for me but he insists it should be short notice and that he can't plan. Bear in mind we have not met ever before. It's not like he's my best friend and we've known each other for years. I do not feel confident that if I did do the work and was ready that he would turn up. He can't plan and past experience has shown me that he drifts away and leaves me feeling anxious and wondering if he is going to visit or not.

 

Yes, an immediately family member died very recently. I would have liked his support but instead he was getting frustrated with me.

 

I agree that if there are so many arguments over the same thing and we cannot resolve this, it seems a hopeless case. It is just such a shame.

Edited February 17, 2017 by spiderowl

[hippychick3]

Wow. I see red flags everywhere. You haven't even met yet, and you're arguing. You're under NO obligation to have him at your house (bad, bad idea...let him get a hotel), and you're under no obligation to meet with him last minute. He needs to plan ahead and not expect to go to your home at the first meeting.

 

This guy sounds very manipulative and frankly, bad news. He has no business getting angry at you. He should be trying to win you over and be accomodating to you. I'd be so turned off that I wouldn't want to even meet him at this point.

[spiderowl]

Thanks Hippychick, I feel the same way. If it wasn't for the fact that we click so well on every other level, I would not be agonising over this. I really like him and he is kind and generous in other respects. It is just this meeting thing. He hasn't insisted we meet at my home, but I don't want to just leave him somewhere after he has driven for ages. I want to be a good host for him. It has turned into my way or his and I can't understand how this happened. It should be possible for two people to cooperate and work something out both are happy with.

[thefooloftheyear]

Guys perspective...

 

I agree with most of the other posters...Ill add..

 

You sound desperate...Its a turnoff...And if you were my sister I might slap you(not literally) for inviting a guy you never actually met to stay the night...Call me nuts,....but that's about as nutty as squirrel shyt...I don;t care that its 2017...Give him the number to the Motel 6 or something...

 

I often enjoy reading your posts and you seem pretty cool and level headed..Sorry if I am piling on..

 

TFY

[hippychick3]

Thanks Hippychick, I feel the same way. If it wasn't for the fact that we click so well on every other level, I would not be agonising over this. I really like him and he is kind and generous in other respects. It is just this meeting thing. He hasn't insisted we meet at my home, but I don't want to just leave him somewhere after he has driven for ages. I want to be a good host for him. It has turned into my way or his and I can't understand how this happened. It should be possible for two people to cooperate and work something out both are happy with.

 

Spider, you are being way too nice to a virtual stranger. And that is what this guy is, a STRANGER! There is no possible way to know he is "kind and generous" without having met him AND spent considerable time together in person.

 

His attitude and argumentative nature is a bad, bad sign.

[spiderowl]

I appreciate your concerns and can understand them, but I have been in touch with this guy for well over a year. We have talked about everything and know each others' attitudes inside-out. It is just the meeting thing. I can only conclude he does not want to meet but he says the opposite and how much he wants to. It's all utterly confusing. I have not asked him any of this, it is his initiative to want to meet. I certainly didn't expect it and I'm amazed we have kept chatting so long. I haven't felt such a strong connection with anyone for years.

 

I don't know about desperate or what makes you think that. I have tried to put this guy off so many times that I doubt he would think like that. I'd like to meet a nice guy, yes, but not at any cost. I've had lots of opportunities but not been happy with what is on offer.

[Nowty V]

Could you not meet somewhere for a mini break? Somewhere in between where you both live, a town that maybe has an art gallery show or a concert, some event that would introduce a convenient sideline to the main event of meeting, a reason to be in the same place at the same time for the weekend?

 

You sound secure and he sounds like an OLD veteran.

 

You may have some issues of letting go of the partner that has gone and meeting someone new, he may just want to get inside your pants.

 

If you don't want to meet, then don't. If he has an issue with that it is his issue.

 

I don't think you are stringing him along, but is the time right for you?

 

If it may be; plan a short break/vacation with a reason. If it goes well then clean the house and take it from there.

 

Above all be you, and be secure.

[spiderowl]

Thanks Nowty, I have suggested a half-way meeting but he does not want to do that. He would rather meet for a coffee somewhere, which is fair enough. Problem is that he would be driving a long way. Also, I still need time to prepare for what is a kind of date, so same-day notice is not enough for me.

[spiderowl]

I think this is going nowhere and he is probably conflicted. It's not good and I need to withdraw and move on.

 

Any thoughts?

[preraph]

I can't stand dealing with people who can ONLY get it together to do something last minute and think just because they're the one doing the traveling, you should be happy about it.

 

Just tell him you have a busy life and need a few days' notice so you can get yourself caught up at work and at home. Don't let him get this started. It's rude and inconsiderate and next on his list will be the late-nite booty call.

[Redhead14]

I can't believe I'm in this situation really. I've lost a loved one very recently and obviously that is pretty bad. What is making this worse is that the guy I've been chatting to online got frustrated with me too. He really thinks I'm deliberately frustrating him and is upset and angry about it. It is over meeting. He wants to meet at short notice, maybe one day's notice or same day, and come to my town. As he would be travelling some distance, I want the option of inviting him back so he doesn't have to travel back at night. I feel it would be rude to just leave him somewhere or suggest he stay in a hotel. I have chatted with him a long time and trust him. I need time to tidy, clean and do the usual things one would if meeting someone for the first time. He has a totally different style and feels this is odd. He has this impulse to meet me, decides on the spot and then suggests meeting. Last time this happened, I was upset due to recent events and in no fit state, but he got frustrated with me again because I said I wasn't in a fit state to meet someone for the first time.

 

This keeps happening, this same 'argument' and we both crash and fall. I can understand that he wants to meet and feels the need to act then it appears that I am putting blocks in the way, but I need to plan. We haven't met before. This is getting more and more depressing to the point where I feel I can't be in touch with him any more. I don't want him getting angry with me and no matter what I say, he sees it as some sort of power thing or me being overly vain or something. He likes me as I am, he says.

 

I'd appreciate others' thoughts on this. This guy is the best connection I've had in years, we literally click in an amazing way. It is just this bizarre clash. I feel he is self-sabotaging here and other than cutting off contact altogether (which is incredibly hurtful to both of us), I can see no way round it. I can't put up with him being frustrated and angry with me. It is not only disrespectful but it is really hurtful and, of course, is happening on top of everything else. I have felt emotionally shattered recently. I am willing to cooperate with him, just need fair notice.

 

I don't accept short-notice "dates" from people I've actually met and dated in person . . .

 

There is entirely too much drama between/from a pair who haven't even met in person.

 

I can't put up with him being frustrated and angry with me -- This is fairly bizarre behavior from a man you haven't met. Talking online means absolutely nothing and neither person is obligated to do anything -- ever.

 

Beyond that, you seem to be doing a little self-sabotaging as well. Nevertheless, it's too much BS for the situation. Block/delete and start over when you've done your grieving.

[spiderowl]

Thanks all.

 

I'm giving up on it all because it is too much drama and I don't need it. I'm a peaceable person who needs a peaceful life with someone who cares.

 

Could you elaborate on how I'm self-sabotaging Redhead? I am not intending to, just need notice.

[Nowty V]

I have suggested a half-way meeting but he does not want to do that.

 

Well.. You have opened the door to compromise .. but he wants it his way .. no empathy .. no congruence .. no negotiation.

 

Speaks volumes

 

I would say you have been perfectly correct listening to your inner self and acting on your intuition.

 

He sounds like Mr nearly right, but not quite.

 

And who needs a headache in their life.

 

Stick to your guns spiderowl, you know it makes sense

[spiderowl]

Thanks Nowty, yes I am coming to that same conclusion. I think he wants everything but no expectations, hence the issues over this. It's sad because I really like him but I can't go on like this. I truly understand this is going nowhere now.

[Nowty V]

I truly understand this is going nowhere now.

 

Aw, that's a shame, but better to fathom that now.

 

His behaviour suggests a need to control, if I was to hazard some psychobabble I would think he has an 'avoidant attachment' style.

 

If he deemed it worthwhile, he would be full-on charm and flowers until he'd had his fill, then he would blow you out and disappear. Quite often these fellows play the 'long game' if they believe you are what they want.

[Redhead14]

I appreciate your concerns and can understand them, but I have been in touch with this guy for well over a year. We have talked about everything and know each others' attitudes inside-out. It is just the meeting thing. I can only conclude he does not want to meet but he says the opposite and how much he wants to. It's all utterly confusing. I have not asked him any of this, it is his initiative to want to meet. I certainly didn't expect it and I'm amazed we have kept chatting so long. I haven't felt such a strong connection with anyone for years.

 

I don't know about desperate or what makes you think that. I have tried to put this guy off so many times that I doubt he would think like that. I'd like to meet a nice guy, yes, but not at any cost. I've had lots of opportunities but not been happy with what is on offer.

 

First of all, you should never ever meet a person from OLD for the first time at your home. No matter how much time you've spent chatting/skyping or texting. A woman should never have anyone they meet to their home or go to their home until after a few dates at least.

 

I think you are a smart enough woman to know this too and that short-notice dates aren't cool either. So the reason I say you were sabotaging this, is that you've been kinda using the clean up/straighten up, etc. as a subconscious reason for putting him off.

 

And, if you really liked the guy and he was willing to drive to where you are, you weren't making an accommodation for him like meeting half way at a public place. Something is causing you to put him off although you think you like him. If you really liked him you'd be making some kind of compromise.

 

I can only conclude he does not want to meet but he says the opposite and how much he wants to. It's all utterly confusing -- He's thinking the same thing. He's initiating (albeit short-notice), you can't get past the idea of having him to your house. You should have at least met him somewhere in public. I don't care how far they come or how long you've "known" him, you shouldn't be taking him to your home yet but suggesting a nice place near you and/or some other activities because you know your area better would have been nice.

 

Either way, something's been holding YOU back and for good reasons, perhaps, but you're dodging it and citing other reasons -- house not clean enough, etc.

[spiderowl]

Aw, that's a shame, but better to fathom that now.

 

His behaviour suggests a need to control, if I was to hazard some psychobabble I would think he has an 'avoidant attachment' style.

 

If he deemed it worthwhile, he would be full-on charm and flowers until he'd had his fill, then he would blow you out and disappear. Quite often these fellows play the 'long game' if they believe you are what they want.

 

What do you mean by the 'long game' Nowty?

[spiderowl]

First of all, you should never ever meet a person from OLD for the first time at your home. No matter how much time you've spent chatting/skyping or texting. A woman should never have anyone they meet to their home or go to their home until after a few dates at least.

 

I think you are a smart enough woman to know this too and that short-notice dates aren't cool either. So the reason I say you were sabotaging this, is that you've been kinda using the clean up/straighten up, etc. as a subconscious reason for putting him off.

 

And, if you really liked the guy and he was willing to drive to where you are, you weren't making an accommodation for him like meeting half way at a public place. Something is causing you to put him off although you think you like him. If you really liked him you'd be making some kind of compromise.

 

I can only conclude he does not want to meet but he says the opposite and how much he wants to. It's all utterly confusing -- He's thinking the same thing. He's initiating (albeit short-notice), you can't get past the idea of having him to your house. You should have at least met him somewhere in public. I don't care how far they come or how long you've "known" him, you shouldn't be taking him to your home yet but suggesting a nice place near you and/or some other activities because you know your area better would have been nice.

 

Either way, something's been holding YOU back and for good reasons, perhaps, but you're dodging it and citing other reasons -- house not clean enough, etc.

 

My house is a problem, Redhead, which worries me. I guess it is more about what he will think of me. He says this doesn't matter at all to him but I want to feel comfortable when I spend time with him. He seems to see this reluctance as a rejection and can't get past that.

 

I know it is not a good move to meet someone at my home. He has offered to meet elsewhere. I just don't want to abandon him there after a long drive. I could, I know, but that would not be considerate. He has been absolutely genuine and honest which is why this whole thing baffles me. But I don't know, I feel like I'm losing out and I know he feels like he is losing out. We are both hurt by this. Why we can't work this out I don't know. I suppose there is an element of feeling that if he can't work with me on this and do something that I feel comfortable with, then he is not capable of considering my feelings. That does matter. He would say I don't consider his feelings.

Edited February 19, 2017 by spiderowl

[Nowty V]

What do you mean by the 'long game' Nowty?

 

It is purely speculation you understand, and may bear no relation to his behaviour.

 

The long game, the interaction/seduction can go on for some time, they don't give up easily.

[spiderowl]

I am pretty sure he has given up now.

[Tribble]

I know it hurts but honestly, it's good this happened now. Last minute things are a no-no for me. I like to plan. I like to know when I'm getting work done, house chores done, food shopping done, guy time done etc. On the day plans throw that out and I can't relax. I'm thinking how I can fit these things into a changed schedule.

 

It isn't to difficult a couple of days in advance. It can be difficult to accept last minute invitations. He isn't being accommodating. It's a little fishy why. There could be someone else you don't know about. An opening comes up where you can be squeezed in, but not planned for. It also feels a little controlling. That you should be available when he says. I don't know, I think you dodged a bullet here. Regardless of if his intentions are honourable, you clearly aren't compatible. I dated someone who would be happy doing things at the drop of a hat. It didn't last long.

[gaius]

Spider, if you ever want to have a real, in person relationship with a man then you're going to have to push past these urges to sabotage. There's no reason he couldn't of gotten a place and you could have gone to see him somewhere out. You just constantly either pick the guys that don't want to meet or find some excuse to not meet the ones that do.

 

If you don't this cycle is just going to keep repeating itself over and over and over. =/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bOy3RNyWME