WaitingForBardot Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I've been wondering, does excessive posting about ones relationship, discussing its details, troubles, etc, with a community of for the most part anonymous strangers constitute an Emotional Affair? If so, at what point do you think it rises to this level? Just curious... Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I've been wondering, does excessive posting about ones relationship, discussing its details, troubles, etc, with a community of for the most part anonymous strangers constitute an Emotional Affair? If so, at what point do you think it rises to this level? Just curious... Anything/activity that consumes emotional energy and time and takes away from/causes difficulty or adds to difficulties in a relationship, could be considered an emotional affair. If you are using a site to vent, get answers/insight about things that you should be talking to your partner about and aren't, is a problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WaitingForBardot Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 Anything/activity that consumes emotional energy and time and takes away from/causes difficulty or adds to difficulties in a relationship, could be considered an emotional affair. If you are using a site to vent, get answers/insight about things that you should be talking to your partner about and aren't, is a problem. I agree. I also think that if one adds secrecy into the mix it also clearly crosses this threshold. It just seems less common for people to regard this kind of thing as an EA simply because it doesn't involve another individual. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I'm definitely having an affair with Loveshack. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Would attending counseling be an EA with your counsler? Link to post Share on other sites
Author WaitingForBardot Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 I'm definitely having an affair with Loveshack. I actually believe that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WaitingForBardot Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 Would attending counseling be an EA with your counsler? I some ways I'd have to say yes. They're actually a sort of structured EA, the difference being their intent, which is usually to sort out your primary relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 From what I read, one key factor of EA is that it causes the "cheater" to withdraw emotionally from the relationship. So I'd say no as long as you're using the advise to fix or leave the relationship... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I am going to have to agree to disagree. For me an "affair" contains a romantic interest. Me, as a heterosexual female, I do not consider discussions with a female licensed professional to be an "affair" on my husband. I am not "cheating" on him with my female doctor. I am not emotionally involved with her. I do not have a romantic interest in her. An "affair" is defined as "a romantic attachment or episode between lovers". I do not consider a counselor / patient relationship an affair. Nor do I put posting on a relationship forum in the same category. It's healthy to have some thoughts and discussions that aren't shared with your partner. Some chat with their mother, sister or friends. Personally I prefer to keep matters that involve my relationship private from people in my social circle, so I see a counsler or post here - where anonymity keeps things at an arm's distance. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I get what you're saying Waitingforbardot, but I also get what RecentChange is saying too. There is a fine line. I think if you're substituting your time with your mate to be on a forum posting/talking to a friend/talking to a therapist/watching porn, then it's a problem. It's a problem if you spend more time doing those things than being with your SO. I think the substituting and desire to do the other thing more than be with your SO is what creates an EA. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WaitingForBardot Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 I am going to have to agree to disagree. For me an "affair" contains a romantic interest. Me, as a heterosexual female, I do not consider discussions with a female licensed professional to be an "affair" on my husband. I am not "cheating" on him with my female doctor. I am not emotionally involved with her. I do not have a romantic interest in her. An "affair" is defined as "a romantic attachment or episode between lovers". I do not consider a counselor / patient relationship an affair. Nor do I put posting on a relationship forum in the same category. It's healthy to have some thoughts and discussions that aren't shared with your partner. Some chat with their mother, sister or friends. Personally I prefer to keep matters that involve my relationship private from people in my social circle, so I see a counsler or post here - where anonymity keeps things at an arm's distance. For me an "affair" contains a romantic interest. An "affair" is defined as "a romantic attachment or episode between lovers". Using these definitions, which I don't disagree with in principle, it's pretty clear that forum activities don't qualify as an affair. I guess I'm not quite a stickler for the romantic interest part, if the activities are at the expense of time and investment in your SO, as said by you GoreSP. It's healthy to have some thoughts and discussions that aren't shared with your partner. Personally I prefer to keep matters that involve my relationship private from people in my social circle I agree that some discussions are healthy, but I am very uncomfortable with any discussions that are critical of details of my relationships with others, including therapists. I think of it along the lines of the old colloquialism airing ones dirty laundry in public. I recognize that talking therapies are tremendously helpful for many people, but I am just not one of them. Perhaps as a result, I would be very upset if I found out my wife was talking to anyone, therapists included, about details of our relationship. That should be between us, to talk out and resolve. And reading what I just wrote, I recognize that details and critical of are themselves potentially vague terms. I'll need to think about that point more... Link to post Share on other sites
Author WaitingForBardot Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 I get what you're saying Waitingforbardot, but I also get what RecentChange is saying too. There is a fine line. I think if you're substituting your time with your mate to be on a forum posting/talking to a friend/talking to a therapist/watching porn, then it's a problem. It's a problem if you spend more time doing those things than being with your SO. I think the substituting and desire to do the other thing more than be with your SO is what creates an EA. I am 100% in agreement with both of your points. It's that fine line insofar as talking therapies are concerned (per my previous post) that I'm having trouble grasping. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I've been wondering, does excessive posting about ones relationship, discussing its details, troubles, etc, with a community of for the most part anonymous strangers constitute an Emotional Affair? If so, at what point do you think it rises to this level? Does your partner consider the interaction inappropriate for your relationship? Who do they discuss the intimacies of your relationship with, if anyone? How do you feel about that? Each couple decides for themselves. As example, my partner could find my discussing of relationship/marital problems in an online community inappropriate, as I could find their discussion of our intimacies with close friends whom we both know inappropriate. I covered some of these boundary issues in MC. If there's no meeting of the minds on these issues, adios. All associations are voluntary. Sure, some people are better than others at manipulation and bending others to their will but that is abuse and slavery, not healthy discourse or interaction. You and your partner choose. If your choices are at odds and there is no reconciliation of them, move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Likewise Pops, I realise I may be posting quite a bit here, that said, since October 2015 when I joined LS I really haven't been in a serious relationship or with anyone I could call my SO, and supposedly, no one among my friends, family or acquantainces knows about my posting here. Probably a third of my posts are in the off-topic and current events, as some here know, but I digress I think, since the topic isn't LS specifically. It's true that when I was in a different and previous LTR many years ago I asked for advices on a different forum and was pleasantly surprised by some really interesting insights, which I am sure some here could provide too. We always need, when it's not the real world a third party, and opinions, every now and then. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I'm definitely having an affair with Loveshack. Ditto.......... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I say NO. It's more of a support group. Now if you branch off and start talking to one person separately and getting more intimate then it gets into EA territory. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Waitingforbardot, no doubt there are people who post about their relationship problems not really because they want to truly work the problems out, but rather because they just want attention. This would be "airing your dirty laundry" and yes that is pretty yucky. Then there are people who are truly seeking help and other viewpoints to help them solve their problem. This is not really airing your dirty laundry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 (edited) No way. This place is a form of counseling - group counseling for me. Its even SAFER in some ways than normal counseling as its totally anonymous and remote. I also need to vent sometimes -and not on my spouse or family. The only negative (and not as an EA) is I get worked up sometimes reading other stories of people being being cheated on - or sexually starved. It can trigger me and that negatively affects my relationship at times. Edited February 17, 2017 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Emotional affair with an online community? If you are married and exchanging sex messages with the lot of them, then yes. Otherwise, no. You could ask if some people can become obsessive with their involvement in an online community, to the point where it is starting to hurt your relationship. But that is not an affair, which requires romantic involvement, as RecentChange said. That is addiction and could be applied to practically anything, including hobbies of all kinds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tribble Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I can understand how this community, or involvement with a therapist, could cause negative impacts on a relationship (e.g. substituting time and attention), however, I wouldn't call it an affair in any way. The only way it would, to me, is if things got inappropriate with a person (or I guess more than one, but not a group). Inappropriate messages, flirting, sharing intimate details to get closer to the other person etc. It's important to note that not everything that takes away from and harms a relationship is an affair, emotional or otherwise. Your partner could be really into gaming and neglect you. They aren't having an affair with the game, but it could still be a deal breaker. Another thing to note is that your partner cannot be everything to you all at one. Or rather, a healthy relationship shouldn't be like that. People have needs that need to be filled outside a relationship. I like having girly nights with wine, chocolate and Disney films, where we can chat about girly things. A partner wouldn't want to do that and it wouldn't be as much fun anyway. I'm not having an affair with my girls because it's an emotional want that my partner can't fulfil. An affair is when you step out and get something emotionally that you should be getting from a partner. Coming here to get support and perspectives on issues does not substitute anything. More, it allows us to step back and consider and arm us with more objective tools to tackle and solve problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Waitingforbardot, is there something you'd like to talk to a therapist about or talk to us here at Loveshack? We are here to help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WaitingForBardot Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Waitingforbardot, is there something you'd like to talk to a therapist about or talk to us here at Loveshack? We are here to help. Thanks for the thought popsicle, I appreciate it, but no. I get a lot out of reading other people's stories and the advice given here. From time to time I do spend a lot of time on various forums, but never at the expense of my wife or responsibilities. I was just wondering where others thought the line might be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 (edited) I've been wondering, does excessive posting about ones relationship, discussing its details, troubles, etc, with a community of for the most part anonymous strangers constitute an Emotional Affair? If so, at what point do you think it rises to this level? Just curious... No. Emotional affairs usually require you have some romantic investment or emotional investment in another person where you treat them like you would a partner and because you're doing that, the emotional things you'd normally rely on your partner for, you start extending to this other person or relying on them for. Seeking advice online from anonymous folks is a very particular kind of behavior that is more akin to counseling or venting and not the same kind of intimacy of an emotional affair. You could have an EA with someone from LS though, if you were rushing home to PM them, telling them about your day, flirting, thinking about them often, being excited to tell them things you'd typically tell a partner, and overall building up attachment and expectations of them that are more akin to a partner. Edited February 18, 2017 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 (edited) Which is worse. 1) Talking to your same sex buddies, your sister/brother, maybe parents, about all the troubles and details with your spouse or lover. 2) Or talking here ? Neither are emotional affairs - and I believe professional and annyoyomos group support are generally safe, and respectful ways to cope and work on issues. One of the things I like about the internet support groups are that you can find very specific people who have dealt or are dealing with your issue. Over my life there have been very unique hardships/life challenges/health issues - where I was able to find people on line who went through the same thing I did. I would not have have been able to find them in person. These people "get it". Several years ago my wife once saw I was on a cancer support board (shortly after my treatment) and that I was talking with an anonymous female cancer survivor. She got upset - I told her that it was "emotional" (more emotional connection then any connection here) but not an affair/sexual/betrayal of her or our marriage. Those "emotional" conversations with this female survivor - as well as others (female and male) was so important to my health. You will know when you have crossed the line in any communication on line. Edited February 20, 2017 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
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