What to do?! Sad, depressed, going nuts & sick ill feeling in stomach

[Greatwolf]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post here so please be gentle. This post is going to be a bit long and comprehensive since I want you guys to know where I'm coming from, so please bear with me. My story goes something like this...

 

First, I would like to say that my story's remarkably similar to the one over here .

 

The girl that I'm getting all crazy over is from where I work. She turned 20 last christmas and I'm 24 now.

I've been working here for about a year while she joined in beginning of January '05 so she's still relatively new. She's currently in school of course so she's working as a part-timer. She'll probably go fulltime when summer rolls around though.

 

From what I've gathered she's somewhat shy most of the time. She's unlikely to take the initiative on the job but when she says she'll do something she does take charge of the task. She did tell me in a conversation that her folks wouldn't let her attend her senior prom in HS. So from that I would say her folks are probably very protective of her and as such she probably doesn't go on many dates either.

 

As for me, I'm currently 24 and I'm working fulltime. I've never been much of a 'people person' -- I'm more of a 'computer geek' kind of guy so as far as my social skills are concerned, it leaves a lot to be desired. I'm the kind of person that people come to for help if their computer goes awk. My social skills have improved somewhat since I've taken this job but for the most part I haven't changed -- I think. I have also never gone on a single date in my life -- ever. I could never muster up the courage to speak to them or ask them out.

 

When I first met her when she started working here I found her to be very attractive but I honestly haven't thought much about it then since I was keeping to my usual self a lot of times -- like focusing on the work at hand. Eventually, we started talking to each other and I got to know her a bit better. We do have some things in common: anime, horror movies, and she even knows how to play chess(though not that good).

 

So anyway, at some point I got her screenname and email so I usually chat up with her when she's online. It was sometime in early april, like the 10th, where something in me change when we were chatting. The conversation something like this:

 

her: i hate my life

me: whys' that?

her: cuz everything suck

me: ah shouldn't say that

me: you're starting to sound like me haha

her: haha

her: i try to stay positive

her: i try n try n try

her: gosh

...

her: haha

her: that good rite?

me: maybe hehe

me: but yours makes it sound like you don't have a boyfriend though haah

her: hahah

her: is that bad

me: hmm well I'm not sure

her: haha

me: I just wasn't expecting that

her: why?

me: well it's because all the pretty girls I've met are always taken

her: hah

her: that cuz i not pretty

her: that why i wasnt taken

 

This was a bit of a (pleasant) surprise for me since I've almost always assumed that the good looking ones are taken. Since the chat that day, I've decided maybe I'll give this a chance and see where it goes.

 

Since then I've made an effort to read up about dating in books, searchs on the internet(how I found this site btw) to help me along on this part of my life. It seemed to do more harm than good for me. My little research only served to underline just how inept and ill prepared I am for this. I'm not any good at humor or telling jokes, I lack the self-confidence and high self-esteem needed to attract her, and I've never paid much attention to my grooming or hygiene.

 

Nonetheless, I tried to make the best of the situation. I started talking to her more at work and the books I've read did help me somewhat in coming up with some jokes and ways to tease her. The good news is she smiled and laughed at almost all of them. Last friday she even asked me what plans I had over the weekend so I'm not sure if that shows interest on her part or not. Also, I somehow found the courage to do something funny that day. Before she got off work I gave her a friendly hug. I think she resisted a bit by moving away as I was putting my arms around her but I think I heard her laugh a little while my arms were still around her. Afterwards, I told her that I wanted to treat her to dinner on monday. She declined by saying "it's ok, I'm going to be busy". Afterwards, she did say g'night to me smiling as she was going out the door.

 

I'm honestly unsure of what signals she's giving here.

 

As for the bad news, I feel too nervous around her, my neck always get really tense, and usually a feeling of anixety follows. I notice that always happens to me when I'm around a girl I have a crush on. But I can't seem to find a way to shake this feeling. I've also found that I get depressed a lot now and I can't seem to enjoy my hobbies anymore since that day (like coding, programming, and even gaming) because she's always in my head. When this happens I feel unsettled, uncomfortable with who I am, and I have this sick ill feeling just below my stomach not to mention it's a drain on my energy; it's like somethings eating me up from inside -- like I'm fighting myself. Just willing myself to calm down isn't working. This is the 4th or 5th day I'm feeling like this and I've been looking franticly at anything that can make this feeling go away -- I don't like this feeling one bit. During last two or three days I've been looking at books on changing my perspective on things (like Change Your Questions, Change Your Life) as well as meditation and yoga. Anything that would help alleviate this stress and despair I'm feeling.

 

If anyone can offer any suggestions and comments about my ordeal it would be greatly appreciated -- especially if it can help with this apparent 'lovestruck' sickness I'm feeling all over my body.

 

Thanks

 

PS. apparently my thoughts are also all over the place after reading over what I just posted. There are other details left out since this post is long enough already.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Greatwolf

The good news is she smiled and laughed at almost all of them. Last friday she even asked me what plans I had over the weekend so I'm not sure if that shows interest on her part or not. Also, I somehow found the courage to do something funny that day. Before she got off work I gave her a friendly hug. I think she resisted a bit by moving away as I was putting my arms around her but I think I heard her laugh a little while my arms were still around her. Afterwards, I told her that I wanted to treat her to dinner on monday. She declined by saying "it's ok, I'm going to be busy". Afterwards, she did say g'night to me smiling as she was going out the door.

 

I'm honestly unsure of what signals she's giving here.

 

Not sure how others would play this, but I would take her behaviour as a friendly "no" right now. Doesn't mean it won't work out later, but I'd lay off a little.

 

As for the bad news, I feel too nervous around her, my neck always get really tense, and usually a feeling of anixety follows. I notice that always happens to me when I'm around a girl I have a crush on. But I can't seem to find a way to shake this feeling. I've also found that I get depressed a lot now and I can't seem to enjoy my hobbies anymore since that day (like coding, programming, and even gaming) because she's always in my head. When this happens I feel unsettled, uncomfortable with who I am, and I have this sick ill feeling just below my stomach not to mention it's a drain on my energy; it's like somethings eating me up from inside -- like I'm fighting myself. Just willing myself to calm down isn't working. This is the 4th or 5th day I'm feeling like this and I've been looking franticly at anything that can make this feeling go away -- I don't like this feeling one bit. During last two or three days I've been looking at books on changing my perspective on things (like Change Your Questions, Change Your Life) as well as meditation and yoga. Anything that would help alleviate this stress and despair I'm feeling.

 

This is definitely a problem. And ironically, will make you less attractive. Are there really no ways you can distract yourself? And have you thought of therapy? You sound a little uptight to me.

[Greatwolf]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

 

This is definitely a problem. And ironically, will make you less attractive. Are there really no ways you can distract yourself? And have you thought of therapy? You sound a little uptight to me.

 

Honestly I can't remember the last time I felt this way. Yes I'm aware of some of the qualities women are attracted to like humor, confidence, be a man and that kind of thing. As I said, I've been doing some reading and research in this area to kind of help me 'catch up' kind of. Normally I don't give a crap about what other people think of me or how I'm perceived. I also have a habit of shrugging off and ignoring what people tell me. Like for example, spending most of day on my computer doing my own stuff sometimes and someone tell me I should take a break from it. Normally my reaction would be something like I don't care, this is more important, I got too much to do, and this is what I enjoy doing! How's that for being 'myself'?

 

But lately, ever since those feelings came up I keep feeling in conflict with myself. One part of me says I want her but to do that I have to make some big sweeping changes for myself and perhaps my lifestyle even. Then the other part of me wants to keep things the way they are and just find a way to ignore or shut out the feelings I'm getting. I think I'm starting to understand how gollum feels. On one hand, I have all these feelings that says I know we can have a wonderful time together and be happy even but then the other part of me kind of makes me hate her for making me feeling the way I do right now.

 

I found myself looking for ways and methods for reconciling this conflict within myself like looking towards meditation, yoga, and a more objective way of asking myself questions to guide my thinking -- all of these which I have never done previously in my life. I found that willpower by itself doesn't work or isn't enough to help me get over this hurdle. eg. I keep telling myself not to be nervous, that it's just all in my head but my body just wouldn't follow suit -- like tense on back of my neck and this ill feeling below my stomach etc. Like they're not cooperating with each other -- know what I mean?

 

I also know that one of my weakness is that I don't always take action -- think hamlet. I always tend to overthink everything and all the possible outcomes when I do this and this but when it comes time to actually do it, I find myself hesitant and being unable to 'make it happen'.

 

I hate resorting to the old cliché 'misery loves company' but am I the only one here that's stuck in this boat feeling this way? Did I also mention that I'm finding it almost impossible to concentrate and focus because of all these flaring conflicting feelings I'm experiencing?

[sanne]

apparently her command of the english language isn't the greatest.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Greatwolf

Like for example, spending most of day on my computer doing my own stuff sometimes and someone tell me I should take a break from it. Normally my reaction would be something like I don't care, this is more important, I got too much to do, and this is what I enjoy doing! How's that for being 'myself'?

 

Errr, that's independent, yes. But not exactly attractive to women either. You're gonna have to trust me on this

 

I think I'm starting to understand how gollum feels.

 

Definitely therapy.

 

 

On one hand, I have all these feelings that says I know we can have a wonderful time together and be happy even but then the other part of me kind of makes me hate her for making me feeling the way I do right now.

 

That's falling in love for you. Repressing feelings and trying to be objective is not the way to go. Getting in touch with these feelings and getting used to them is more like it.

 

I also know that one of my weakness is that I don't always take action -- think hamlet. I always tend to overthink everything and all the possible outcomes when I do this and this but when it comes time to actually do it, I find myself hesitant and being unable to 'make it happen'.

 

I would never have guessed Just go for it with her. Have fun. Experience and enjoy the feelings. Don't get too serious. The best attitude is probably to make this a practice relationship - see how well you can make it work. This takes the pressure off. Be kind to her though - you reap what you sow.

 

I hate resorting to the old cliché 'misery loves company' but am I the only one here that's stuck in this boat feeling this way? Did I also mention that I'm finding it almost impossible to concentrate and focus because of all these flaring conflicting feelings I'm experiencing?

 

All of us have this... as teenagers. We get used to managing romantic feelings by experiencing them. And by ACTING on them.

[Greatwolf]

Originally posted by sanne

apparently her command of the english language isn't the greatest.

 

You're probably talking about that little chat snippet quote I presented. Actually she's very polite and she doesn't talk like that in real life. I guess she just puts on a different persona while online but it's in no way indicative of how she behaves in real life

 

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Errr, that's independent, yes. But not exactly attractive to women either. You're gonna have to trust me on this

 

 

hmm, can you explain a bit on the 'being yourself' point? So then you should only be yourself if it helps your chances? If it doesn't, then what should you do? Put on a false front?

 

Definitely therapy.

 

Actually, I think I'm starting to feel a bit better today. Maybe therapy can hold off a bit. Maybe all the meditation and yoga I'm trying is paying off. hehe

 

That's falling in love for you. Repressing feelings and trying to be objective is not the way to go. Getting in touch with these feelings and getting used to them is more like it.

 

Falling into unrequited love sucks. Can you blame me for wanting to repress and stop feeling it?

 

I would never have guessed Just go for it with her. Have fun. Experience and enjoy the feelings. Don't get too serious. The best attitude is probably to make this a practice relationship - see how well you can make it work. This takes the pressure off. Be kind to her though - you reap what you sow.

 

As I said, I've already tried asking her out for dinner but you know the response I got for that already. But perhaps I'm making false assumptions and give her benefit of the doubt? Maybe she really was busy or maybe out for dinner puts too much pressure? Lunch might be better? But where would you draw the line that she's giving clear hints and signals that she's not interested? I don't want to come off looking delusional.

 

Well, it's kind of frustrating and annoying to get shot down when you finally work up the nerve to ask someone out the first time.

 

As always, thanks for the response and feedback guys.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Greatwolf

hmm, can you explain a bit on the 'being yourself' point? So then you should only be yourself if it helps your chances? If it doesn't, then what should you do? Put on a false front?

 

Nooooo. Who you are develops and changes over time. This is what self-improvement is about. You will never be a completely different person, but you could lighten up and find ways to improve your social skills.

 

 

Well, it's kind of frustrating and annoying to get shot down when you finally work up the nerve to ask someone out the first time.

 

That's the game, I'm afraid. I inspire myself from my cats. Only maybe 1/3 of their hunts end in a kill, but they enjoy the process, they keep on going out there. And they wouldn't go hungry, even if I didn't feed them.

 

What kind of a wolf are you? Move on. Find new prey. Have fun.

 

As always, thanks for the response and feedback guys.

 

Our pleasure. Good hunting, Greatwolf!