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Very introverted girl... or... cold... or something?!


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I am having problems coping with my girlfriend, she is extremly emotionally unavailable, I barely ever get any glimpse of emotions from her. I know she likes me, probably loves me (but she will never say it), but she is completely unable to talk about anything in regard to emotions, when I confront her that she is making me anxious (i never knew what that is before her), that I dont even know where I am with her, or whatever that is going into personal debat she just freezes and stops talking completely. And she gets a sad look in her eyes. On top of this, she is very strong woman, completely independant (and i dont violate this), we do have sex but it is rare and she has trouble having climax (again not related to me, had the same with all previos guys). She knows she can trust me in regard to anything so this shouldnt be a problem, I have more then proven that this is the case. The only problem is that I like her a lot for all other traits, but in regard to relationship... she is... I cant even find a word.

 

I just dont know what to do, I know that most of responses will be "dump her" but I dont want to do this, I am searching for some other solution. Did someone have some similar expiriences?

Edited by ksh
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Hi Ksh unless you want to be very disappointed some years down the line I wonder why you are putting yourself in a position where you will be hurt. For a woman to be unemotional is completely out of the norm. Usually the problem is of plenty that is, they are extremely emotional which is also a problem. However if a woman is cold and unemotional at the very start of your relationship the the alam bells should be ringing loud and clear. I am sure you could find yourself a more amenable girl who would respond emotionally towards you and make you feel wanted and comfortable.

 

I get the feeling that your girl friend may have been abused as a child or was in a home where there was acute emotional abuse and she has learnt to suppress her feelings and keep them under wraps. If that be the case she needs to see a therapist who deals with such problems and who can help her through this. Wish you the best going forward.

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Could she be hiding a mental condition? The reason I bring that up is because people who I've known in the past, people I knew well, who suddenly shut down, they had problems like being bipolar and even mild schizophrenia. They were strong independent women too.

 

But I have to say your wanting to "talk" about emotions is not all that typical. I can't judge it just from your post, but someone who really has to be told sweet nothings all the time brings to mind neediness. Not saying it's to that level with you. I can't tell. But most guys are happy enough with actions and many guys aren't EVEN comfortable with a lot of lovey-dovey talk. And only the ones with real self-worth issues seem to need that that badly.

 

Her sexuality isn't at all unusual. Most women can get themselves off better than any man can get them off -- but that does not mean they don't want to have sex with a man because that has many other perks and is sexy and cuddly and more exciting. Sometimes it's the excitement of it that prevents a woman from being able to totally let go, though. That's not really a bad thing. But many of these hurdles can be overcome if you have three hands and know what to do with them.

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I'm going to go with possible past trauma like a rape or molestation. Mental condition is possible too. She needs to address this behavior with a professional therapist...you can't fix this on your own. She needs professional help.

 

**Some people over compensate by being strong and independent to hide their emotional vulnerability.

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You're not describing introversion.

 

Anyway, I guess you could try and pathologise this, but the upshot is that this is simply who she is. Stay or leave? Depends on what type of relationship you want.

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Have you actually said to her it makes you anxious because you do not know how she feels about anything? She may not understand what is making you anxious. She may never have trusted anyone with her feelings before. Some families simply do not share or, even worse, criticise when a member of the family expresses vulnerability. My family was like that and it makes you very closed down. Reassuring her that the world will not end if she expresses her feelings more might help.

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When it comes to a solution, the question needs to go back to her. Is she aware that she has a problem and does she want to change? If the answer is 'yes', then she needs to be proactive in addressing her issues.

 

Oh, and 'confronting' her about her actions making you anxious will only make it worse.

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Have you actually said to her it makes you anxious because you do not know how she feels about anything? She may not understand what is making you anxious. She may never have trusted anyone with her feelings before. Some families simply do not share or, even worse, criticise when a member of the family expresses vulnerability. My family was like that and it makes you very closed down. Reassuring her that the world will not end if she expresses her feelings more might help.

 

I think that this really might be the case. This and I gave her to solve Myers Briggs test... I N T J and woman... I think I got myself a really rare "beast"... But still, how to address it... :confused:

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I think that this really might be the case. This and I gave her to solve Myers Briggs test... I N T J and woman... I think I got myself a really rare "beast"... But still, how to address it... :confused:
My advice as one male to another, just ask her about it and just listen. If she doesn't respond, then forget it.
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I think that this really might be the case. This and I gave her to solve Myers Briggs test... I N T J and woman... I think I got myself a really rare "beast"... But still, how to address it... :confused:

 

YOU live with it or you get out.

People rarely change and if they do it is because THEY want to, and not because YOU want them to.

 

Dating is about finding people you are compatible with.

If you are compatible with a person who will rarely have sex with you and is shut down emotionally for whatever reason, and you want to spend your life with such a person, then great.

 

IF, as I suspect, you want a more "normal" and more comfortable relationship then this is not the girl for you, is she?

 

It is never a good strategy to find a person and then try to mould them into what you want.

Better to find a person who ticks most of your boxes and then you can just concentrate on building a relationship with them, instead of spending all your time, trying to change them in vain.

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It has nothing to do with moulding, obvious there are also some other good points except those written in my post, and obviously they are worth more than the bad ones or i wouldnt even bother. There is a part I try to rationalize to myself and I asked for help. On the other side, the types of posts like you have given are superhero-of-the-obvious type. No one can not agree you are right but you are absolutely of no help.

Edited by ksh
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What drew you to her? Can you focus on that.

 

IME, with people who are cold, the only ones who get better are the ones who WANT to. If they don't, then what you see is what you get.

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I get the feeling that your girl friend may have been abused as a child or was in a home where there was acute emotional abuse and she has learnt to suppress her feelings and keep them under wraps. If that be the case she needs to see a therapist who deals with such problems and who can help her through this. Wish you the best going forward.

 

Why is it whenever a woman is emotionally unavailable men choose to automatically assume she was abused from childhood. It could be she has been hurt in the past and chooses to keep her emotions under wrap or it could just be her personality. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth.

Edited by stillafool
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Why is it whenever a woman is emotionally unavailable men choose to automatically assume she was abused from childhood. It could be she has been hurt in the past and chooses to keep her emotions under wrap or it could just be her personality. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth.

 

I agree, but again, there is occams razor too... probably there is more woman which were having this issue due to childhood abuse and beeing hurt than those that are such by nature. And mine gf is one of those that are such by nature.

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I am too. I was over loved in my childhood by everyone and I had over protective parents. I got turned off early from people fawning over me. I think that is why I am emotionally unavailable because when I open up I seem to not be able to get any space for myself. When I graduated HS I purposely chose a school 3,000 miles from home just to get some peace.

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I am too. I was over loved in my childhood by everyone and I had over protective parents. I got turned off early from people fawning over me. I think that is why I am emotionally unavailable because when I open up I seem to not be able to get any space for myself. When I graduated HS I purposely chose a school 3,000 miles from home just to get some peace.

 

Ok, so you might actually be one that could solve this mistery to me :) Let me make it perfectly clear, I dont want to "mold" her into what I want but I am seriously trying to save the relationship with inteligent and fun person to be with. But without emotions there is no relationship, it is just becoming weird and at the end it will wear ME out and I dont want that. I do try to show her my love but by getting nothing back... it is somehow devastating for my emotions. I hardly doubt she is not into me, but she is just not comfortable with anything personal, but this is killing emotions on my side. I hope you understand what I am talking about.

 

Again, I dont want answers like "leave her and find another" as I am not attaching easly (or finding an inteligent enough woman to cope with, that is also interesing me from sexual level (looks like I am in a typical "inteligent, beautiful, sane: pick two" situation :D) ).

 

How to approach such a person (lets assume I am seriously not pain in the a** person, giving her space etc.)?

Edited by ksh
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How long have you been dating? When you say "emotions" what exactly do you want? Do you want "words" (ILY) or affection; be more specific.

 

Being a unemotional woman I've always gone for guys who give me a lot of space and need a lot of space. When I was with such a guy I had no problems being affectionate, lovey dovey and ILY's when we got together. I don't know if this would work if you are the type that needs a lot of closeness in a relationship and that's perfectly fine. Most people do. What may work for her will not work for you. A lot of men I dated before marriage just couldn't handle my independence and not being able to see more of me. Somehow, my husband just got it right. Do you two have sex and kiss. Please be specific about what she is not doing that you would like.

Edited by stillafool
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How long have you been dating? When you say "emotions" what exactly do you want? Do you want "words" (ILY) or affection; be more specific.

 

Being a unemotional woman I've always gone for guys who give me a lot of space and need a lot of space. When I was with such a guy I had no problems being affectionate, lovey dovey and ILY's when we got together. I don't know if this would work if you are the type that needs a lot of closeness in a relationship and that's perfectly fine. Most people do. What may work for her will not work for you. A lot of men I dated before marriage just couldn't handle my independence and not being able to see more of me. Somehow, my husband just got it right. Do you two have sex and kiss. Please be specific about what she is not doing that you would like.

 

Ok, you sound just like the right person to talk to :) It is quite simple, I want to feel wanted. I dont care about if this is by words, by actions, sex, kisses, whatever, I dont really care. I can read people, probably one of my strongest personality traits, but here it is nothing. Zip. Nada. Since I am quite a logical person, I have used logic to actually break down her behavior and I seriously think that she loves me but anytime the emotions are involved it becomes awkward. She just start to put a barrier in between. Yes, we had sex multiple times and the whole thing is going for quite a while (sorry, not for public forum, too detailed) with multiple breakups and probably she went out of her shell to accept the relationship as she figured out that the whole thing is not a fake, that I really want her beside me, but now I am just unable to make any progress further, I actually think it is becoming worse. It is really frustrating, if this wouldnt be HER, I would just flush everything down the toilet and find someone else. Dont understand me wrong, I am seriously not someone having problems with womans, but that once after years behind my last serious relationship, when I see it as a potential for LTR, I hit into a wall... it is really frustrating :confused: Regarding the space, she has all the space she needs/wants, I am having quite a high position and more then enough of hobbies that I can fill my free time 100%. I am sick of always having to take the initiative for a date, sex, kissing, whatever. She can cuddle, but this is probably it. I would just like to understand, actually I just need an excuse in front of myself to go on and/or not to be sorry for remaining of my life that I didnt... everything on her except the emotional side, I LOVE, a lot. But this will wear me down and I dont want it to... =/

Edited by ksh
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With your girl it might be insecurity. She may have been hurt by rejection in her past and therefore always lets the guy take the lead in affection. If this is true you have to do just that, take the lead often in hugging her and kissing her and telling her that you want her. When she is secure and it may take a while she will open up and feel comfortable enough to lead in affection.

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Ok, the end of story as it may come handy to someone else. She is having a dissmisive avoidant attachment and she fits all descriptions. Meanwhile I have read some studies of this attachment type and she fits perfectly into this picture including narcissism, troubles reaching orgasm (this is not often mentioned but research has show womans of this attachment type has troubles with sex with partner as it comes with emotions. The casual sex, vibrator, etc. doesnt bring emotions and have high "success" rate), showing herself in normal life as a perfect girl and immediately when the intimacy and relationship is in question, she becomes evasive. I have lost 2 years of my life troubling myself with her and it is over, the immediate effect was that I became "lighter", most of my worries gone, in first days even a bit euforic as it was no longer troubling me.

 

I somehow still feel sorry for her, but this will pass, sometimes some little thought flies through my mind "maybe it could work out" but it is immidiately shot down by the weight of expirience.

 

Here are some links which I found helpful, before i delete them from "Favorites", and if you are beeing troubled with partner of same personality, just walk away, it is not worth the trouble or time, those people are having huge issues, i thought i could change her - no, "there is nothing wrong with her":

 

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2014/06/11/relationshipstrategies/avoid-this-attachment-style-in-dating/("But Avoidants are the least likely to change. For this and other reasons, they are overrepresented in the dating pool.")

http://www.loveaddictionhelp.com/signs_your_partner_is_love_avoidant(2. perfectly describes us)

https://aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2011/03/02/top-ten-signs-your-partner-is-avoidant/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2015/07/understanding-avoidant-attachment-disorder/

https://thelovelyaddict.com/2011/10/23/how-to-avoid-the-avoidant/

https://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3266769/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201105/cold-people-what-makes-them-way-part-1

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201106/cold-people-what-makes-them-way-part-2

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21676179

http://the-love-compass.com/2014/03/01/understanding-the-needs-of-the-avoidantdismissive-attachment-style/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201311/6-signs-narcissism-you-may-not-know-about(this one comes in pack - mostly)

https://patch.com/california/carlsbad/bp--how-mothers-spread-borderline-personality-disorde37ca7270a9

 

And the final thought from first link: "I can’t help picturing these Avoidants as Whitewalkers, stalking the 30-something dating scene with their dead eyes. This is perhaps the best reason of all to date with seriousness of purpose in your 20s."

Edited by ksh
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