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Wife and male coworker


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My wife and I have been married for 15 months now, she has a male coworker who we have fought over even before we were married, I am trying to figure out if this is my own whiny insecurities or this is something that I should be concerned about.

My wife is very head strong, dominant and persistent that their is nothing to worry about in regards to who I will call Dave. I don't think she realizes at times what this means to me as a man and my own humility.

This really just eats away at me on a fairly consistent basis, I want to either get past this, deal with it effectively or I see this being the one thing that ends our marriage.

This is what is going on, last summer my wife asked me how I would think about her and Dave going out for a drink after work, I thought about it and said no way, she said that he did ask her out for a drink and she said she was proud of how she handled the situation and said maybe it would be best if we went out as a group with other coworkers.

And her and Dave and two other ladies have gone out for drinks and dinner after work several times in the last year and half, I would have loved to have met all of them but I was never invitied.

When I went out of town for a business meeting she took Dave to his house dropped off his car and took him to a shop close to our house to get another car he was having serviced, I didn't know about that for another 4 months after it happened, my wife said that she had tried to take him to get his car before and it wasn't ready and didn't see the need to ask again because I already knew about the other failed attempt.

Her and Dave went shopping before last Christmas at lunch time to buy things to decorate their cubes, it bothered me, we had a fight about it and she said that he was basically more fun to shop with than me.

They text each other mainly when for example my wife is off work and he wants to keep her informed as to what's going on at work because they have a female coworker who they both hate and bash and it is a common interest that keeps Dave and my wife connected, this coworker by the way is a real pain!

I saw a text on my wife's phone one day when she was off where she texted Dave a picture of her Bloody Mary drink that she just made, it just bothers me that the attention is given to Dave when I have been asking for it myself.

The texts that I have seen are never risqué though, my wife did set up her phone that incoming texts from him are blocked in some way so it's like some kind of generic message that appears on her phone so that you can't see the beginning of the message.

One Saturday we where at the granddaughters birthday party and she got a text form Dave that he found some kind of a "work" mistake that might be my wife's fault and he was trying to let her know so that she could fix it?!

Anyhow, my wife starts freaking out, we have to drive 45 minutes to her work so she can go in and check out the problem, the whole time we are driving there she is texting him and laughing, I am livid, my wife say, "are you upset that I am texting Dave?"

I said it would have been REALLY NICE if Dave could have waited until Monday to tell you this so it didn't ruin our weekend. My wife would go on walks on her work twice a day, now Dave has joined in on that is walking with my wife twice a day, my wife said she was going to start walking at lunch to outside, the weather finally broke and she went for a walk outside, I asked who went, she said Dave and Jill, and her assumption is that if Jill goes it makes it ok and safe.

She said she gets really hot at work, but Dave gave her his fan, she was talking to him about music and he said I like that artist too and downloaded like 4 CD's of an artist that I had to listen to on the way out of town on a trip, the whole time thinking this is Daves music, UGH!!

These are just the things that I know, my wife thinks she has some kind of super power that insulates her from an emotional attachement, she has cocnstantly told me that I have nothing to worry about, that everyone at her work knows how much she loves me, I am trying to keep an open mind but my sanity at the same time.

My ex had an emotional affair which resulted in the end of our marriage. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

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Sounds a bit much. Not getting invited sounds secretive.

 

If it's a problem it needs to be worked out.

 

How old are you two?

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You, my friend, have a real problem on your hands.

 

Dave is becoming, or already is, her boyfriend.

 

You are now the dumb sap she makes jokes about with him.

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My wife is 45 and I am 59, so I do put with a lot of stuff to be a younger woman, however I don't look or act my age, I was afraid of the reactions, this isn't going to be good.

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Thanks for the response, I feel like I am in a no win situation, my wife is adamant about remaining friends with Dave because she says I have nothing to worry about, she say "have you seen the man?!" Because he has bad teeth.

Which makes me wonder why you want to hang out with him if he is so revolting.

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Very common to have a spouse in an affair or on the verge to do and say the things she is doing and saying. She is at the very least emotionally invested in this guy, it's deeper then friendship and you sir are being gaslighted.

 

Bottom line is you can either accept this or not.

 

As a side note, alot of the cheating wives here has openly admitted the affair partner is less then attractive yet they still feel very drawn to him.

 

I would suggest you grab the Glass book Not just friends, and share this with your wife it may enlighten her. I doubt it because she is deep already and full of denial.

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Hi Sc, having read your OP and then the post where you gave your ages I have to wonder how you ended up marrying the woman who is now your wife. You say you had disagreements with her before you got married about this guy and yet you went ahead and married her. If she is so interested in this guy and he works in her office she had the opportunity to marry him and not you if she is so hung up on him. How did you meet her and how long did the two of you date before marriage? Also the age difference at this point of time is likely to be another stumbling block in your union. You are 14 years older than her and at your age are nearing the twilight years of your life. She is just a little past middle age. I wonder how old this guy Dave is? If he is her colleague then I guess he is more or less in her age group.

 

It seems to me that it is only a matter of time when things come to a head and she develops a crush on this guy and it turns into a PA. After that you can decide what you want to do. Your first wife ditched you and it seems this one won't wait as long. Sorry for your troubles but you had better be prepared for the worst while hoping for the best. Warm wishes.

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thefooloftheyear

Don't worry....There will be a bevy of women on here that will say its your hangup and she is in the right and you just need to sit there like an idiot and take it...

 

 

If it were me and I cared enough for her, I'd have a "little talk" with Dave-in person..when he left work.....After that, he'd likely quit the job and move to the country, and she'd probably have more respect for me as a man.....:laugh:

 

But really...I hear a lot of stories on here like this...What ever happened to guys standing up for themselves and their dignity?? Most guys know not to piss on another guys turf... I mean, even if you dump her, at least don't be a doormat, buddy...

 

But in this case, id probably just drop her off at the dog pound and change the locks in the house...Be thankful you don't have kids...

 

Sounds like you are the "comfort" guy with both her and your ex, and not necessarily the one that they owe allegiance to and truly desire on all levels...So these women are just creating the environment that suits them,,...You may need to figure that out, man...

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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She has a male GF. There is nothing sexual about this at all, BUT I get it, you are not getting the attention from her, she is giving it to him. Even if he was a she, you are feeling left out and she is being consumed by this friendship. Understandably you are upset by this.

 

What to do? Stop fighting about it and be more proactive in your relationship with her to divert her attention back to you. Listen to what she is saying to you...he is more "fun" to go shopping with. He makes her laugh, he jokes with her, he is part of her social circle.

 

Take steps to make her more happy, be more fun, get more interested in what she likes to do and talk about...compatibility and introducing new hobbies/interests is what keeps a relationship/marriage fresh and new. Keep positive and make some changes.

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I can't tell you how many work guys I've been "just friends" with with not even an inkling of attraction for them.

 

I do think this is a lot of insecurity on your part.

 

But I also think if she knows it bothers you this much, she should not continue to pull Dave further into her personal life. Like the walks.

 

Is the guy even attractive? If you are older, is he too young to even be interested in her or in her age range? If the guy isn't attractive, you probably have nothing to be afraid of, and I bet he is unattractive to not have his own life and keep edging himself into those people's at work.

 

You should be invited to company outings IF spouses are invited. Spouses are rarely invited though, except maybe Christmas.

 

I think you're justified enough in telling her you don't want him bleeding over into her nonwork activities.

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She has a male GF. There is nothing sexual about this at all, BUT I get it, you are not getting the attention from her, she is giving it to him. Even if he was a she, you are feeling left out and she is being consumed by this friendship. Understandably you are upset by this.

 

What to do? Stop fighting about it and be more proactive in your relationship with her to divert her attention back to you. Listen to what she is saying to you...he is more "fun" to go shopping with. He makes her laugh, he jokes with her, he is part of her social circle.

 

Take steps to make her more happy, be more fun, get more interested in what she likes to do and talk about...compatibility and introducing new hobbies/interests is what keeps a relationship/marriage fresh and new. Keep positive and make some changes.

 

I don't think it is very common that a woman would allow a totally romantic free friendship to create this much trouble in thier romantic relationship

 

She is at least interested, more likely emotionally invested.

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No matter how you slice or dice this no one (male or female) wants a coworker that deeply ingrained in a relationship.

 

You either work it out or decide if this marrige was a mistake. Some people just don't have good boundaries.

 

An age difference can be a problem.

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Sounds like the beginnings of something nasty.... but the problem is with your wife. If she can't see why it bothers you, perhaps it is time for you to have a 'female Dave' of your own to chat with. You can then tell the wife 'don't worry, honey babe, it is harmless - and besides, did you see how fat she is? Only reason why I keep the conversation going is because I feel sorry for her... hey, maybe we can get my friend and your friend Dave together. They'd be perfect for each other...' And don't let her make you stop contact. If she can have her Dave, you can have yours...:cool:

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I can't tell you how many work guys I've been "just friends" with with not even an inkling of attraction for them.

I do think this is a lot of insecurity on your part.

 

But I also think if she knows it bothers you this much, she should not continue to pull Dave further into her personal life. Like the walks.

 

Is the guy even attractive? If you are older, is he too young to even be interested in her or in her age range? If the guy isn't attractive, you probably have nothing to be afraid of, and I bet he is unattractive to not have his own life and keep edging himself into those people's at work.

 

You should be invited to company outings IF spouses are invited. Spouses are rarely invited though, except maybe Christmas.

 

I think you're justified enough in telling her you don't want him bleeding over into her nonwork activities.

 

 

Those are your boundaries... Do you go shopping and text these guys after work? Do you have dinner and drinks with the co-workers and brag about them...

 

So is he insecure or does he have a legit reason to be concerned?

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I think Dave has a soft spot for your wife, but I'm not convinced she has romantic feelings for him, though she clearly enjoys his company. I'm not sure why he thought it was appropriate to invite her out for drinks after work.

 

I'm married and have a male coworker friends; who I have contact with outside of work. One of them I have gone on walks with at lunchtime as well. I've also met up with him on a couple of weekends to go for organised walks. We're friends on facebook and will send each other jokes or other bits of info via whatsapp. There's definetly nothing going on with him. He's gay.

 

I chat to him about things my husband wouldn't have any interest in and we have some common interests.

 

Your wife isn't taking your feelings into account and that's the problem, but being headstrong it's no surprise. Out of respect for you, she should scale back the friendship, regardless of whether she's attracted to him or not.

 

I'm the kind of person to let someone see how it feels if I did the same, so in your position, I'd get a female coworker to chat to and have as a platonic friend.

 

One thing though, I don't tell my husband every little thing I do during the workday and who I go on walks with. I leave that at work and unless the error she'd made at work was very serious, why did she go rushing back on the weekend?

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I think Dave has a soft spot for your wife, but I'm not convinced she has romantic feelings for him, though she clearly enjoys his company. I'm not sure why he thought it was appropriate to invite her out for drinks after work.

 

I'm married and have a male coworker friends; who I have contact with outside of work. One of them I have gone on walks with at lunchtime as well. I've also met up with him on a couple of weekends to go for organised walks. We're friends on facebook and will send each other jokes or other bits of info via whatsapp. There's definetly nothing going on with him. He's gay.

 

I chat to him about things my husband wouldn't have any interest in and we have some common interests.

 

Your wife isn't taking your feelings into account and that's the problem, but being headstrong it's no surprise. Out of respect for you, she should scale back the friendship, regardless of whether she's attracted to him or not.

 

I'm the kind of person to let someone see how it feels if I did the same, so in your position, I'd get a female coworker to chat to and have as a platonic friend.

One thing though, I don't tell my husband every little thing I do during the workday and who I go on walks with. I leave that at work and unless the error she'd made at work was very serious, why did she go rushing back on the weekend?

 

 

Yeah, but he is gay...:lmao:

Good example....its amazes me how the sisterhood works. I don't do it, so she must not do it either right?

 

Yeah, workplace affair are the most common affairs and when you think about it your spending 8 hrs a day with someone everyday and that's why they call it a work husband/wife

 

The more the OP fights with his wife about Dave. The more that the wife will have an affair with Dave.

 

my wife asked me how I would think about her and Dave going out for a drink after work, I thought about it and said no way, she said that he did ask her out for a drink and she said she was proud of how she handled the situation and said maybe it would be best if we went out as a group with other coworkers.

And her and Dave and two other ladies have gone out for drinks and dinner after work several times in the last year and half, I would have loved to have met all of them but I was never invitied.

 

Yeah, your telling me this is ok.. no its not because they would have done this with the girls or not. Dave is CLEARLY trying to get her to have drinks to LOOSEN her up. This is not just a friend and boundaries are being crossed and she is not respecting the husbands feelings at all.

 

Her and Dave went shopping before last Christmas at lunch time to buy things to decorate their cubes, it bothered me, we had a fight about it and she said that he was basically more fun to shop with than me

 

This is what orbiters do. They put on a mask and do what ever it is the Husband or boyfirend doesn't do to win her heart.

 

Sandylee1....Im not trying to be mean...but let me inject testosterone into your blood stream.. I think men have 12 times to 15 times more testosterone than a woman has and lets send you out into the these situation that you say are harmless.. I think the closes women get to what a guy feels its when they are ovulating.. That is when a females testosterone peaks and its nowhere close to a mans. So we deal with those urges everyday..all day and Dave wants to have sex with the wife POINT BLANK.

 

The texts that I have seen are never risqué though, my wife did set up her phone that incoming texts from him are blocked in some way so it's like some kind of generic message that appears on her phone so that you can't see the beginning of the message.

 

Yeah..this is bad

 

She said she gets really hot at work, but Dave gave her his fan, she was talking to him about music and he said I like that artist too and downloaded like 4 CD's of an artist that I had to listen to on the way out of town on a trip, the whole time thinking this is Daves music, UGH!!

These are just the things that I know, my wife thinks she has some kind of super power that insulates her from an emotional attachement, she has cocnstantly told me that I have nothing to worry about, that everyone at her work knows how much she loves me,

 

 

That is how every EA starts.

 

You won't find it frustrating that your husband is enjoying someone else more than you? That he goes and have dinners with a women at work? That they text each other and laugh while your in the car. That when you go on business trips he running favors for her.

 

GIVE ME A BREAK:lmao:

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I appreciate everyone's weighing in on this, I am still somewhat bewildered and I agree that the more we fight about it that this only gives Dave what he wants, the last fight the wife and I had she said that, that it only opened the door for him, and wow did that make me feel wonderful, it just underscored what I have been fearful of.

Yes I have insecurities, but I also try to keep an open mind and not destroy what I have but try to repair whatever it is I need to fix. I would like to comment on some of the other responses when I get more time, have a good day!

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Wookin Pa Nub

I would not allow that type of behavior, specifically her and co-workers going out without inviting you and the sanitized text messages whatever that is. I would observe your Ws behavior regarding her phone. Also if she happens to have it laying around and you see a text from Dave I would answer it politely just to let him know you are seeing what he texts.

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Well, that was an odd comment "leaving the door open for him," being Dave. I wouldn't like that at all. I mean, I see how you two fighting can benefit him IF he actually is interested that way and if she is, but they both have to be for it to leave the door open to him, so that is why I don't like that comment she made.

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I appreciate everyone's weighing in on this, I am still somewhat bewildered and I agree that the more we fight about it that this only gives Dave what he wants, the last fight the wife and I had she said that, that it only opened the door for him, and wow did that make me feel wonderful, it just underscored what I have been fearful of.

Yes I have insecurities, but I also try to keep an open mind and not destroy what I have but try to repair whatever it is I need to fix. I would like to comment on some of the other responses when I get more time, have a good day!

 

Depending on how accurate you have repeated your WW's words, this is past tense and she is admitting that the door has been opened. That would say to me that the line has been crossed either as a EA or PA but at least as an EA.

 

This at least is disrespectful on her part, she knows it makes you uncomforatable and yet she continues to do this. It would be different if she were inviting you to the outings but she's not....my guess is that this may be age related and therefore she's out sowing some wild oats or at least considering it.

 

If it were me, I would stop asking about this, let her think that she is in a safe zone, observe and be prepared for an exit.....she's not treating you or the M with respect. I am not an advocate of telling someone who they can and can't be friends with but i am an advocate of controlling who I am with and when they begin to do things that make me uncomfortable and ignore my attempts to be respectful of the relationship, the R has to end.....life is too short to waste time and energy with someone who doesn't share the same commitment to the R as I do.

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What if Dave was gay? Would that change your mind about everything?

 

I'm inclined to believe that your wife has a 59 year old husband who has the "relationship rules" and insecurities of a 16 year old boy.

 

Also, when you said that you already put up with other stuff from her in order to have a wife of her age, I had to roll my eyes. When I combine that with the comment that you've been squabbling over Dave since before you got married, well, to me, that's a huge indication that you decided you could put up with that too.

 

I wonder if you might have made a better decision to exchange a few years for someone more naturally compatible.

 

Oh well. It's not like you didn't know about this before you got married. It's a little late to decide you're going to put your foot down over this, don't you think?

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Dave is probably just a little bit younger than me, my wife likes older men, she has told me before that she could have married a younger man but didn't want that, so that part is all good.

Dave me be gay, as he doesn't seem to be chasing anything else and my wife seeems to like gay guys as friends, Dave does have several cars that he works on which I don't want to sound stereotypical but that's not really a gay guy thing. So yes if Dave were gay that would be ok, I have nothing against gays.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster, one moment I am all ok with it, and the next it just starts eating away at me, I guess that's based on however I am being treated by the wife.

I don't think that my wife would cheat on me, but the thought of her becoming and letting Dave become more involved with her is a little unnerving. One major thing that I have not shared is that my wife is Bisexual.

And her interest in guy things is different than most woman, and her being bi only doubles the available pool of people theoretically that she might also hold an interest in.

And I find that perplexing, that she wouldn't be more interested in finding a girlfriend than a guy friend. But maybe this is the light bulb moment that just went off for me, that Dave is actually the opposite of what she is really attracted to.

And our sex lives are somewhat strange, my wife was molested by her brother at a young age, and also by her baby sitters sons, and she doesn't really want to "touch me" sexually if you know what I mean, and I don't know if it was from the abuse or not, but she likes being with a man, she is very attractive and feminine looking.

But I think that's what hurts sometimes is knowing that I am not getting the "full deal" howver you want to put it like most guys get and knowing she is giving someone else some attention, it's a very different situation, but I knew it going in.

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