Jump to content

The Hunt for Love


Recommended Posts

What do you think are your raw reasons for your lack of Romantic love? Is it realistic to have access to Romantic Love with the way society is?

 

Here are my personal details.

 

I am a Black male. I think that initially due to me being in a more Caucasion Social Environment. The women who are white. They are expecting and more open to someone of their same ethnicity first. With all the TV/Movie shows and media. That is what they were born into.

 

If Polled. I doubt that a White woman between 20 and 60 would really say they want an Asian/East Indian/Native American etc man.

 

Looks wise. I see myself as the boyishly handsome. Age wise I am 45. So I don't think my age is the problem. I am not trying to date women in their early 20's. Not the problem. I work at a hospital.

 

Weight. I strive to keep fit. I am 220 lbs as 5 '9. I will lose weight and should be around 190-200lbs. The Clothes I wear. No problem. I either dress up or Jeans and a Rock and Roll t-shirt.

 

If I was casting myself in a movie. I would be a good guy on some team trying to get the good on some bad guy.

 

Personality. I say that I am warm and introspective. So its a lot of what do you think about this and that/Devil's advocate type of thinking. If we add this or take away that. How does the situation change.

 

My take on myself. I need to reach out less and let the universe put me into the right situation. More than me going on the hunt for love.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not sure I understand your question? We all have access to people who we could potentially fall in love with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

They say that when you stop looking is when you find what you were looking for. I'm recently divorced and tried dipping my toe in the dating pool, I used an online dating site, and that was hell. So I just stopped actively looking. I figure if it's meant to be I'll find the right one at the right time.

 

As per race, I can't speak for everyone, but I'm an average white woman. My ex husband was Native American. And the dates I have been on are many of different ethnicity. I think every woman has a "type". I guess my type has nothing to do with ethnicity, but more about the kind of person they are and how they carry themselves.

 

My advice would be to not give up, but don't be aggressive about trying to find the right one right away. Just let it happen.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Is it realistic to have access to Romantic Love with the way society is?

 

I am a Black male. I think that initially due to me being in a more Caucasion Social Environment. The women who are white. They are expecting and more open to someone of their same ethnicity first. With all the TV/Movie shows and media. That is what they were born into.

 

Like SAF I don’t get what you are talking about. I’m a person of color, work on a college campus, my region of the country does not have a lot of people of color.

 

I have met a considerable number of white women who are very open to dating someone of a different ethnicity.

 

Yes there are white women who will be very blunt about not dating black guys in particular but that is a “choice” because yes in some families and in some social circles friends and family may be a little ambivalent about dating outside their race because it frankly might be too much of a hassle.

 

The region of the country matters a lot (east coast or west coast) assuming you live in the states…

 

The biggest obstacle for most black men frankly is many are what my aunt use to call “color struck” basically fixating on someone’s color rather than the overall character of the person.

 

Because of OLD race is not a barrier, whether or not you are a quality person and have something to offer someone is more important.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Like SAF I don’t get what you are talking about. I’m a person of color, work on a college campus, my region of the country does not have a lot of people of color.

 

I have met a considerable number of white women who are very open to dating someone of a different ethnicity.

 

Yes there are white women who will be very blunt about not dating black guys in particular but that is a “choice” because yes in some families and in some social circles friends and family may be a little ambivalent about dating outside their race because it frankly might be too much of a hassle.

 

The region of the country matters a lot (east coast or west coast) assuming you live in the states…

 

The biggest obstacle for most black men frankly is many are what my aunt use to call “color struck” basically fixating on someone’s color rather than the overall character of the person.

 

Because of OLD race is not a barrier, whether or not you are a quality person and have something to offer someone is more important.

I won't date black women, not because I'm racist, but I would rather just be friends with other races.
Link to post
Share on other sites
I won't date black women, not because I'm racist, but I would rather just be friends with other races.

 

Before I explain my situation, could you explain what you mean by you "prefer" to be friends with other races? Is it because lack of commonalities, what your friends/family/etc would think?

 

I don't know if its cuz my family is all mixed, but my brother and I agree on this one - we don't date black people. I have another sister who only dates white guys, and of my immediate family who date black people - they do not like American black people, they prefer someone from the islands.

 

For me, it's the lack of attraction and commonalities. I mean, people tell me of the "black experience" and to me it doesn't translate. I didn't grow up in the US and again, we're multicultural, multiracial, multiple ethnic people. I mean, I have family from the caribbean who are hardcore conservatives. I myself am somewhat of a conservative but believe I'm leaning more towards libertarian. I have family in the islands, central america, the UK, Canada. Our descendants range from Irish, Scottish, to African. I mean, from my Mum's side, grandma is an olive skinned woman with blue eyes. Dad's side grandma is a shinny dark skinned woman with indian hair/features.

 

That's one reason the guy I was seeing for over six years and I were a great match. He - like me - was light skinned black (and dash of white) by race and hispanic by ethnicity. He looked like Justin Guarini (American Idol, 2002). He spoke English and Spanish. So, we liked the same music (pop, hip-hop, rock, salsa, etc.) And, he "got" me. We even lived in the same state in America and overseas country - so we both literally were exposed to same/similar culture, foods, traditions, etc.

 

So, while I date Caucasian guys - it has been a struggle cuz they don't get me and I am still learning about them. Recent dude is the first guy I've dated from where he's from in the US, so I was trying to understand stuff about him and where he's from. And, he, I guess was and is still perplexed that I am the way I am and not your typical "black" or "African-American"?

 

It irks me on OLD cuz I think people click on my picture and automatically assume every stereotype possible. And, even with recent dude - I have a bad feeling that he still had a twinge of distrust about me and my interest in him cuz of the difference in races and probably because of him worrying about what circle of friends/family would think of him dating an "other than white" woman. And, that's sad because I think that regardless of race - I'm a cool chick and that's his loss. He can continue to date lameo chicks of his race all day.

 

You know, I think about this now/then. If I was a lesbian I would not date white, asian nor black women - because of the same things. I just cannot relate to black or white women and just am not attracted to them like that. I would have no problem in dating a Hispanic woman. Actually, over the years I'd have like a Hispanic female friend by my side all the time. Geesh, and they all seem to physically be similar (petite, brunette, soft spoken, light skinned and don't care to be all dolled up all the time - but look great when they do, just like me :) ). Also, to me, Hispanic women would just be sexier....sorry other women :p

Edited by Gloria25
Link to post
Share on other sites
I won't date black women, not because I'm racist, but I would rather just be friends with other races.

 

Yes B93 you have to expand on this, I’m not understanding the friends vs dating dynamic here.

 

It irks me on OLD cuz I think people click on my picture and automatically assume every stereotype possible.

 

could you explain what you mean by you "prefer" to be friends with other races? Is it because lack of commonalities, what your friends/family/etc would think?

 

I have another sister who only dates white guys, and of my immediate family who date black people - they do not like American black people, they prefer someone from the islands.

 

I don’t date black women either, I’ve only had one black girlfriend in my life and that was in high school.

 

This gets into a much more detailed convo but I don’t care about people and their “preferences” or preferred choice. You choose who makes you comfortable and nobody has to feel guilty about their choice.

 

We all have our specific preference blueprint for what attracts us to whomever. I grew up as the only “black” kid in an all-white neighborhood for many years and that shaped for the most part who I am attracted too. I never have nor will I ever be attracted to what might be the stereotypical (acting, sounding, personality, appearance) of a good number of black women and this again also has to do with where you live.

 

I fundamentally get many white women (the ones who don’t specifically put “I won’t date black men” in their profiles) will still be ambivalent about dating me. But I also have found that I have to be just as cautious with white women who “specifically” state they only date black men.

 

If you are on OLD there are things I see in profiles that let me know if someone is open to dating me. I fundamentally get that a white woman choosing to date me is a “risk” sounds unfortunate but it is reality.

 

Love can only evolve where basic attraction, commonalities, comfort and lack of societal friction exists.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We've all worked up in our minds what romantic love is supposed to be like, and it almost never turns out that way. This whole notion of falling in love and romance is very new age, so this construction of 'romantic love' that we have built for ourselves is part of the reason why it's hard to find fulfiling partners and fulfilling relationships. We might be looking in the wrong places, or missing opportunities because they don't fit into whatever our belief of 'romantic love' is.

 

I don't condemn fantasy, in fact I'm all for it! But realistically, getting swept off your feet, falling head over heels in love or being brought together by fate are rarities. I feel like instead of allowing ourselves to learn from love experiences (by dating the 'not-the-one' and 'imperfect' people) we strip ourselves from the opportunities of learning from our mistakes so we become better partners.

 

I made mistakes in my past relationships, and also learned alot about myself and about men. All of these experiences have made me a better partner and hopefully someday a wonderful wife. If I had restricted myself from these experiences and waited for 'the perfect guy' this entire time, I would have never had the lessons I had, and wouldn't be a better version of myself when it comes to relationships.

 

So all in all, I think the major flaw is that we have a limited belief of what romantic love should be like, and by restricting ourselves from experiencing even the bad fish out there, we are keeping ourselves from learning what romantic love really is, and how to recognize it.

 

That is my two cents.

 

P.S You're right about the Universe. It will take care of you :) Just be open to whatever it brings your way :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
The women who are white. They are expecting and more open to someone of their same ethnicity first. With all the TV/Movie shows and media. That is what they were born into.

 

If Polled. I doubt that a White woman between 20 and 60 would really say they want an Asian/East Indian/Native American etc man.

You really should stop the racial stereotyping.

 

Some women like tall men, some like short men, and some don't have a height preference.

Some like bald men, some like long thick hair, and some don't have a hairiness preference.

Some like skinny men, some like muscly men, and some don't have a physique preference.

And yes, some like white men, some like black men, and some don't have a skin colour preference.

 

To find love it is not necessary to please all of the women all of the time. You only need to find ONE woman who likes YOU.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Road. I am working at weight reduction. I am 220 at 5'9. So I am watching what I eat more in the new year and should be around 180-190 for my frame.

 

I guess if I had to use a Movie stars body. I would say that I should be more like Chadwick Boseman. Who played James Brown and Black Panther.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think people racial profile with love relationships more than friendships. Also Culture has to play in their decisions.

 

I guess for me. I am a big music guy. I love going to see bands. I am more into Rock and Roll/Soul/Funk/Jazz more than anything. Rap/Hip hop/Reggae. Not so much.

 

I just really think that my ethnicity may play a factor in who I do and don't get. I feel more like Ritchie Cunningham from Happy Days. More than say Theo Huxtable from the Cosby show. In terms of how I come off.

 

Another thing that bugs me is that society has made it so that most of us feel like we are lacking, when it comes to love. If your not in a love relationship over the age of 20. You can't have some sort of fullfilling life. So we rush into romantic relationships and try to figure it once we are in them.

 

Nothing is promised or gaurenteed in life. Its all about making good and bad decisions. My ex who I broke up in 2012. Wanted to have a child with me and 2 yrs ago asked me. I said no. I do not want to bring a child into this world and the child's parents are not a loving bonded couple that can guide them.

 

I think the best thing for people on the hunt for love is not to feel pressured and have some standards. My buddy T who I have talked about this before. He dated a woman that fast tracked him into living together and having a kid. They have a second child coming in Feb 2017. Yet she is still tied legally tied to her ex and thats going on year 8 this year. So for me. I would never take that. T is a person that does not like to make a huge effort in things. So her making the moves on him. A Love relationship just dropped into his lap. So he does not have to make an effort.

 

All in all its up to us what we will put up with or go after in life. More later.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I Loved Him, But We Broke Up Because Of Race

 

I Loved Him, But We Broke Up Because Of Race | Thought Catalog

 

I came across the piece above and it reminded me of someone I met on OLD site several months ago.

 

While it is part of a much longer discussion we had a pretty frank discussion about race.

 

Now I had mentioned to her that I was heavily involved in community endeavors and my involvement in starting an inner city clinic that specifically dealt with African-American health care issues.

 

I had made a general statement about how initially those in the community where this clinic resided were not very helpful and was against this particular project because of perceived mistrust of white people in the community. (those assuming was being financed exclusively by whites)

 

I mentioned that not only was the founder and Co-president of this project was black but much of the staff was also black. I stated that “ignorance” usually leads to inaccurate conclusion about ones motives and that “all white people are not evil and do not all operate with ulterior motives.”

 

This lady being white had apparently recently developed this more recent phenomenon of “anti-white” bias and that blacks had a right to be skeptical of the motives of most whites.

 

The conversation took a more serious tone which led her to in kind of a weird way question my blackness.

 

Apparently most of her romantic interest in black men stemmed from this radical concept of being able to identify more with “black culture” than “white culture.” And that somehow I had lost touch of that, which of course defied logic.

 

She later went on to state that far too many blacks were “suffering needlessly” at the hands of an evil “white culture.” The kicker was when she had stated that "the vast majority of" blacks in the United States are poor and uneducated because of white racism.

 

After her rant I told her that the majority of my family is college educated, have very successful careers and while many like myself have been subject to individual acts of racism that it did not hinder my progress.

 

After that comment you could see her whole persona change, when she thought I was a struggling black dude fighting “against the man” for survival she romanticized that notion. When I communicated that I am not some “victim” of “the man” she quickly lost interest.

 

Through years of dating I have found this to be more of the case than not, that we romanticize the notion of being with someone of another race and culture because it makes us for lack of a better term “more evolved” and not because we actually have a legit romantic interest in that person.

 

When it comes to dating someone of another race or culture how many actually delve honestly into these philosophical and societal debates? How many interracial couples just choose to romanticize the paring and keep depth and understanding out of it.

 

I wonder how many simply choose to keep an arm’s length away from the mental and emotional hassle?

 

Sorry folks hope not too off topic was in a venting mood LOL! :laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...