Damsel in distress

[Popsicle]

I have a friend who uses the damsel in distress angle to get close to her men (whatever guy she's dating). Now I have a theory that no man actually really likes a damsel in distress, but rather, what some men like is a wide opening to be able to be near a woman he finds attractive and have her like him back. And helping her is just a way to get to that.

 

I do think that there are men who are the complement of my fried and look for damsels in distress specifically because it feels like it gives them an upper hand over her. My friend attracts men like this and then these guys always end up treating her very badly because they think she needs them so much.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that men are not naturally helpful or giving towards a woman in need, I am simply saying that I don't think it works as a way to start a relationship in the first few months.

 

I also know that many women, myself included, would love a man who loves and cares for her. It would be great to be with a man who acted that way from day one, but I think when you act like a damsel in distress before the guy is ready to be that caring, it just creates some weird dynamic. On the other hand, I can spot a ungenerous or selfish man a mile away and would avoid them too.

 

Does anyone understand what I'm talking about. I am kind of rambling. What do you think of what I said?

[basil67]

I have a friend who uses the damsel in distress angle to get close to her men (whatever guy she's dating). Now I have a theory that no man actually really likes a damsel in distress, but rather, what some men like is a wide opening to be able to be near a woman he finds attractive and have her like him back. And helping her is just a way to get to that.

 

I do think that there are men who are the complement of my fried and look for damsels in distress specifically because it feels like it gives them an upper hand over her. My friend attracts men like this and then these guys always end up treating her very badly because they think she needs them so much.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that men are not naturally helpful or giving towards a woman in need, I am simply saying that I don't think it works as a way to start a relationship in the first few months.

 

I also know that many women, myself included, would love a man who loves and cares for her. It would be great to be with a man who acted that way from day one, but I think when you act like a damsel in distress before the guy is ready to be that caring, it just creates some weird dynamic. On the other hand, I can spot a ungenerous or selfish man a mile away and would avoid them too.

 

Does anyone understand what I'm talking about. I am kind of rambling. What do you think of what I said?

 

Is she faking the damsel in distress, or is she truly useless?

 

If it's the former, I would imagine that regardless of the type of man she gets, the whole relationship would die when it comes apparent that she's been faking.

[Gloria25]

I believe biology makes men want to "provide and protect" women...I mean, look at men, they are bigger and stronger than us. Biology made them that way for a reason.

 

But yes, I think there are men who do seek out weak and dependent women because they feel that her dependence on him means she's his for life. But problem is, these guys often end up with more than they can handle - she becomes more of a "burden".

 

And, guys who do this are usually insecure - so even if she becomes docile and dependent and never strays, his insecurities will bring paranoia and he will become controlling. So, her going to the grocery store may end up with him thinking she's cheating. Then the control will eventually escalate into physical violence.

 

A healthy man wants to be needed, but doesn't want a "slug" or a "Damsel in Distress.

 

I'm a very independent and strong woman (despite my somewhat submissive tendencies with men) and that scares a lot of men. It also makes them feel useless. It took me years to simply let go and just allow a man to do something for me - and that was like three years ago, with my FWB. He offered to do handiguy stuff, work on my vehicle, redesign/organize/build my closet, etc. I eventually relented and it was nice for once to allow a man to just do something for me and I in return do something for him....like, when he was working on my vehicle in the cold, I brought him warm coffee and you could see the smile on his face from the satisfaction of doing something for me and me reciprocating:love:

 

But, it's hard to hide from most men that I am so independent. Any guy spending enough time for me can see that I can tinker under the hood of a vehicle, fix a broken HVAC/pipe/light wiring, landscape, handistuff - all stuff a guy could do; and, they feel useless. I also pay my own bills, work hard - don't have my handout. On one date with a guy, I pulled out my purse and he said "Don't insult me" - and he paid for the dinner. And, I really liked him, but am so used to wanting to just pay my way, be independent.

 

Manipulative chicks always get the guys over me, cuz they got game. They play little helpless. So, guys get a kick out of feeling "manly" when all they got is some lazy chick who wants to suck them dry with promises. Then they put a ring on it, she gets lazy and there goes the sex, her looks, etc. But hey, guys love to get played I guess. Manipulators = 1, Gloria25 = 0.

[Gloria25]

Is she faking the damsel in distress, or is she truly useless?

 

If it's the former, I would imagine that regardless of the type of man she gets, the whole relationship would die when it comes apparent that she's been faking.

 

Nope, I never see it turn out like that. The guys stay cuz they enjoy the torture; are satisfied with whatever crumbs she throws him (cuz sex once a month is better than nothing, right?); are too embarrassed to admit being played (so, they make up excuses for her); they are "comfortable" and rather stay than have the courage to leave; and/or, they got a kid or two and/or intertwined finances - which make it a little too late to back out.

[basil67]

Nope, I never see it turn out like that. The guys stay cuz they enjoy the torture; are satisfied with whatever crumbs she throws him (cuz sex once a month is better than nothing, right?); are too embarrassed to admit being played (so, they make up excuses for her); they are "comfortable" and rather stay than have the courage to leave; and/or, they got a kid or two and/or intertwined finances - which make it a little too late to back out.

 

You've got a good point there.

[Popsicle]

Is she faking the damsel in distress, or is she truly useless?

 

Well, that's debatable. She is very intelligent and capable when I'm around her. But guys never see this and admittedly I've had moments when I have questioned her level of usefulness (I spent an hour one time trying to tell her how to unlock the car door, she was stuck in the car). I just think she's done the act for so long that it's become like a learned thing not to think very hard (too much work) and it appears natural. Especially when someone else just does things for you.

 

Her relationships end up failing but I'm not really sure exactly why. I was mostly pondering if this is a good way to start a relationship.

[Popsicle]

I believe biology makes men want to "provide and protect" women...I mean, look at men, they are bigger and stronger than us. Biology made them that way for a reason.

 

I have long since concluded that men don't want to provide and protect women, but rather, they are forced by nature to do it. Women and other men (competition) force them to, but they don't want to. If they can get away with not doing these things, they would be bliss to do so. Some learn to like it or pretend to like it well for their own good

[Gloria25]

Well, that's debatable. She is very intelligent and capable when I'm around her. But guys never see this and admittedly I've had moments when I have questioned her level of usefulness (I spent an hour one time trying to tell her how to unlock the car door, she was stuck in the car). I just think she's done the act for so long that it's become like a learned thing not to think very hard (too much work) and it appears natural. Especially when someone else just does things for you.

 

Her relationships end up failing but I'm not really sure exactly why. I was mostly pondering if this is a good way to start a relationship.

 

My brother goes through this with his wife. I still don't know what her deal is. She's very pretty and literally lived sort of a sheltered life, so I think she's never had to think much. But, part of me thinks it's lazy, cuz I am the type of person where if I don't know something, I seek knowledge on getting it done. I just don't sit there and wait for someone to walk by or start asking for help - I at least try to figure it out, teach myself, etc.

 

When he gets mad at her, I get mad at him cuz I'm like "That's what you married so don't be upset when she's just being "her"".

 

But, I don't know where her head is like one day they bring the doggy over and I see fleas and every month when I do my dogs, I ask them about their dog and they're like "yea, we took care of her". I open the cabinet and find FOUR months of unused flea protection...so, why is she not putting it on the dog? And, when I tell her she's got four months of unused protection, she just stares at me.

[Popsicle]

My brother goes through this with his wife. I still don't know what her deal is. She's very pretty and literally lived sort of a sheltered life, so I think she's never had to think much. But, part of me thinks it's lazy, cuz I am the type of person where if I don't know something, I seek knowledge on getting it done. I just don't sit there and wait for someone to walk by or start asking for help - I at least try to figure it out, teach myself, etc.

 

When he gets mad at her, I get mad at him cuz I'm like "That's what you married so don't be upset when she's just being "her"".

 

But, I don't know where her head is like one day they bring the doggy over and I see fleas and every month when I do my dogs, I ask them about their dog and they're like "yea, we took care of her". I open the cabinet and find FOUR months of unused flea protection...so, why is she not putting it on the dog? And, when I tell her she's got four months of unused protection, she just stares at me.

 

I don't know... would you rather have a man who is more responsible than you, or a man who is less responsible than you?

[basil67]

I don't know... would you rather have a man who is more responsible than you, or a man who is less responsible than you?

 

Why does it have to be one or the other? I think the best relationships would be where both parties are responsible.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Yeah, this whole MO makes me really uncomfortable, too.

 

Actually, last night I was watching a Tyler Perry movie called "Mr. Deeds" where the owner of a huge corporation falls in love with the janitor and literally rescues her from homelessness, an IRS lien and from losing her daughter. He even GIVES her an apartment. Of course she suitably argues with him on each, for like two minutes, to prove how non materialistic and not a user she is. Yeah, he would sure know she loved him for him... (Sarcasm font) And now she...owes him? Eew...and eew?

 

I can be incredibly romantic but it all seemed so forced, the woman's weak objections and so forth, him trying all the harder to "buy" her in desperate reaction to his fiance who didnt really love him and even telling him he was boring in bed and in the end it all worked out, of course, and they were truly meant to be and blah blah and the cute daughter was giving the whole thing the thumbs up (eek)...I was supposed to feel good...instead I was horrified. IRL this could only all degenerate into a giant mess with this woman dependant upon the man the entire time until she managed to turn ugly and grab assets that were never hers in order to not wind up homeless again, while the frightened little girl observed and took notes in Female Survival 101. Just...no.

[Popsicle]

Why does it have to be one or the other? I think the best relationships would be where both parties are responsible.

 

In the absence of equality.

[Gloria25]

I don't know... would you rather have a man who is more responsible than you, or a man who is less responsible than you?

 

But in what context?

 

Cuz, I got the fort down. I work, pay my bills, take care of inside/outside the home. I'm "responsible"...so, a guy doesn't have to worry about me keeping the homefires going.

 

Lol, actually the guy I was with for over six years said that about me once. He said that he liked that he didn't have to worry about me - cuz yea, he had chicks that every minute wanted money or this/that.

 

But still, regardless if I can handle my own - I don't need a guy who's gonna be a burden to me. While I don't need him to pay my bills and stuff - I'm not gonna pay his either.

 

When I was slipping and almost followed my sis-in-law's stupid friend in considering shacking-up, in no way was I gonna allow the guy to move in with me and just be like my "cabana boy". Heck no. He was gonna have to like cut the grass, pay for his portion of his stuff. In other words, I didn't need him to move in to help me with a thing, but in no way was he gonna be a burden on me and/or just be keeping one side of my bed warm.

 

I don't know, I see it as a King and a Queen. I know my "role", I support "him", I'm his woman...but he rules. The day he's out on a mission or someone takes him out, I got the kingdom and can run it flawlessly in his absence.

 

I think it takes a wise and skilled woman to know her "place" beside her man. She can support him w/o losing her independence, skills, whit.

 

I hate to use Zuckerberg and Gates as examples - but look at their wives. These are competent, educated, and wealthy women - but their men have more than them. These women didn't marry Zuckerberg and Gates to escape having a career, they married men who were on their level; and, in turn, Zuckerberg and Gates weren't looking for women like Trump marries - airheads who are looking for a guy with a fat wallet - Zuckerberg and Gates want a woman who compliments their drive, success, etc., not a woman who is going to be a dependent burden on them.

[Gloria25]

In the absence of equality.

 

Well, in a RL where a woman is dependent on a man, I don't see it as a lack of equality.

 

Back in the day, a woman was dependent on a guy because in return for her being a SAHW/SAHM, he pays her and the kid's bills; he buys her clothes, etc. - cuz making a "house" a "home" not only is a job that you can't put a price on, but requires a woman to sacrifice having a career and/or education.

 

I mean, all the women out there who are working with kids and a husband either are getting help from relatives, ditching the kids in daycare/school system/nannies/relatives, and/or letting things go by the wayside (i.e. serving McD's for dinner, too tired for sex/exercise/keeping up her looks).

 

IMO, a man and a woman are a "team". There's no such thing as "equality". The differences in men and women come together to form that "team". Like in football - not every guy can be the quarterback, but the quarterback can't win the game on his own - he needs team members. So, man needs woman and woman needs man - and they come together and compliment each other.

 

But now a days with women working, all this "equality" stuff, etc. - the lines are blurred.

 

But still, IMO, there's an "inequality" in favor of women - cuz women want the guys to split half and/or all of what they used to do as a SAHW/SAHM (i.e. cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids) - but where do you see a woman doing handiguy stuff, landscaping, washing the car/changing the oil/tinkering, putting out the trash, etc. - stuff that was typical of a guy's responsibilities?

[Popsicle]

I just used that word cuz I couldn't think of another. I meant if are you both not the same in terms of responsibility level.

[Gloria25]

I just used that word cuz I couldn't think of another. I meant if are you both not the same in terms of responsibility level.

 

Well, not sure if I'm getting what you mean, but I think I covered it in my last post...

 

Independently/single - a person has to take care of bills, their home, etc. They have those "responsibilities". Now, how they take care of those responsibilities may differ. They may work and have their own place, live in their parents basement, rob/steal/sugar baby.....So, you may have a woman who lived with roommates and got her daddy or guys to give her money and now that she got some guy to rescue her - she moves in with him and now he's got her bills - in other words, she entered the RL not on the same level of her bf and continues to be not at that level cuz the only thing that changed is now her daddy doesn't pay her bills, her bf does.

 

But, when you become a couple - yes, now "Who's gonna pay for what?", "How are we gonna divide the chores/labor?". Those decisions and responsibilities are gonna vary depending on the couple.

 

I mean, some guys are cool with having a woman with no job, ambitions, education, and/or is a "Damsel in Distress" cuz he makes enough money and just wants "someone"- regardless of any qualities...like Trump's women. He likes them young and attractive. But, some men like Gates and Zuckerberg - they want a woman with more substance...Then, you may have a dual working couple who will hire a handiguy if they need something done in the house. They may also drop off kids in daycare and eat a steady diet of takeout. Then, you may also have a couple where the guy stays home most of the time (and watches kids, cooks, cleans) while the wife works and vice-versa - where we have the "traditional" SAHW/SAHM.

 

Hope that makes sense...

[Popsicle]

Well, not sure if I'm getting what you mean, but I think I covered it in my last post...

 

You did before, I got it. Thank you for answering, Gloria.

[umirano]

I agree, these unhealthy pairs exist. That said, not every girl in need is trying to get a man, and not every man helping is trying to get the girl.

[preraph]

Listen, there is nothing I hate worse to have in my environment than a woman who plays men by using the "damsel in distress" routine. I think you're right about some men simply using that back as an opening for sex, but you are dead wrong that some guys don't like it and fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

 

One of these women was responsible for ending my dream career. She had a sob story (you know like all strippers and prostitutes make up to gain sympathy) and she would tell it tearfully to all men who were up the chain of command, and then call them heros for helping her in whatever way it was. She flattered them all and when she'd get caught doing something bad, would pull out the unfortunate story and cry and make them feel bad for calling her out to begin with. She literally sabotaged my work. I was told to give her this one task. It involved actual paper, so I gave it to her and she was supposed to do something with it and get it back to me before a certain date that merchandise would start arriving. The day came, and she didn't get it back to me and told my boss that I never gave it to her. He believed her because he WANTED to. It was awful. I had to go to the owner and tell him when it's between believing a new employee and a tenured one, I expect to get the benefit of the doubt.

 

Now, this same boss falls for these types repeatedly, and 40 years later is STILL, according to his wife, sending this leech money when she gets in a jam. He never learned. He still is an idiot simply because he enjoyed the hero status and flattery. He also fell for another woman like this, his second wife, who ended up cheating on him and getting pregnant by another man, who happened to be an acquaintance of mine, and married that man. 25 years later, she was in prison for identity fraud and had stolen both her husband's and son's credit cards. And she was also one of those tearful psychos who cries on every man's shoulder and flatters them into whatever she wants.

 

If you get someone like that in your vicinity, do your best to get out of her sphere. Men like it and fall for it and refuse to see through it.

[Gloria25]

Listen, there is nothing I hate worse to have in my environment than a woman who plays men by using the "damsel in distress" routine. I think you're right about some men simply using that back as an opening for sex, but you are dead wrong that some guys don't like it and fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

 

One of these women was responsible for ending my dream career. She had a sob story (you know like all strippers and prostitutes make up to gain sympathy) and she would tell it tearfully to all men who were up the chain of command, and then call them heros for helping her in whatever way it was. She flattered them all and when she'd get caught doing something bad, would pull out the unfortunate story and cry and make them feel bad for calling her out to begin with. She literally sabotaged my work. I was told to give her this one task. It involved actual paper, so I gave it to her and she was supposed to do something with it and get it back to me before a certain date that merchandise would start arriving. The day came, and she didn't get it back to me and told my boss that I never gave it to her. He believed her because he WANTED to. It was awful. I had to go to the owner and tell him when it's between believing a new employee and a tenured one, I expect to get the benefit of the doubt.

 

Now, this same boss falls for these types repeatedly, and 40 years later is STILL, according to his wife, sending this leech money when she gets in a jam. He never learned. He still is an idiot simply because he enjoyed the hero status and flattery. He also fell for another woman like this, his second wife, who ended up cheating on him and getting pregnant by another man, who happened to be an acquaintance of mine, and married that man. 25 years later, she was in prison for identity fraud and had stolen both her husband's and son's credit cards. And she was also one of those tearful psychos who cries on every man's shoulder and flatters them into whatever she wants.

 

If you get someone like that in your vicinity, do your best to get out of her sphere. Men like it and fall for it and refuse to see through it.

 

I have an uncle who pretty much is the same thing. He married a woman and he can't have kids - yet despite her getting pregnant TWICE during the marriage, he never divorced her. All he does is complain about her to everyone cuz on top of her just cheating all the time - to the extent that she got pregnant TWICE - she insults him, berates him, gambles all their money, orders him not to talk to family/friends, etc. But, you dare tell him something bad about her - get this, he goes back and tells her and she wants to come after you.

 

Oh, and unfortunately I had the displeasure of having to give him a ride somewhere and he starts whinning to me. He tells me he got him a mistress - and you'd think his mistress is where he's supposed to be treated better than the wife, right? NOPE. He's complaining that mistress takes his money and treats him like crap:confused:

 

Oh, and now that the kids she fathered by cheating on him are all grown, now they live with him/her on and off and he spends money on them and they just leech off of him and are on drugs and having their own illegit kids and he's just a wallet and punching bag to all of them...go figure.

 

So go figure...

 

Like I said, guys love torture. They love manipulative chicks. I just sit around and roll my eyes a lot.

 

That's what burns me about what recent dude did to me. I showed a lot of attention and it was genuine, but he not only was uncomfortable with it - but like thought I had some ulterior motive....And, then, he's gonna go and f-me over. Guaranteed if I was some manipulative chick with game, he'd be down on one knee offering to marry me after one week. I hate manipulative chicks, they always win and why, I don't know. Again, Gloria25 = 0...Manipulative chicks = 1. Today I was realizing that I'm the female version of the "nice guy" that guys diss cuz I'm too nice and not a "bad girl" or a "Damsel" who needs rescuing .

Edited January 8, 2017 by Gloria25

[preraph]

I have an uncle who pretty much is the same thing. He married a woman and he can't have kids - yet despite her getting pregnant TWICE during the marriage, he never divorced her. All he does is complain about her to everyone cuz on top of her just cheating all the time - to the extent that she got pregnant TWICE - she insults him, berates him, gambles all their money, orders him not to talk to family/friends, etc. But, you dare tell him something bad about her - get this, he goes back and tells her and she wants to come after you.

 

Oh, and unfortunately I had the displeasure of having to give him a ride somewhere and he starts whinning to me. He tells me he got him a mistress - and you'd think his mistress is where he's supposed to be treated better than the wife, right? NOPE. He's complaining that mistress takes his money and treats him like crap:confused:

 

Oh, and now that the kids she fathered by cheating on him are all grown, now they live with him/her on and off and he spends money on them and they just leech off of him and are on drugs and having their own illegit kids and he's just a wallet and punching bag to all of them...go figure.

 

So go figure...

 

Like I said, guys love torture. They love manipulative chicks. I just sit around and roll my eyes a lot.

 

That's what burns me about what recent dude did to me. I showed a lot of attention and it was genuine, but he not only was uncomfortable with it - but like thought I had some ulterior motive....And, then, he's gonna go and f-me over. Guaranteed if I was some manipulative chick with game, he'd be down on one knee offering to marry me after one week. I hate manipulative chicks, they always win and why, I don't know. Again, Gloria25 = 0...Manipulative chicks = 1. Today I was realizing that I'm the female version of the "nice guy" that guys diss cuz I'm too nice and not a "bad girl" or a "Damsel" who needs rescuing .

 

Oh, yeah. Sounds right. All you have to do is find somebody's weak spot and find a way to feed that need, whatever it is, and some of them never learn.