Romanticism/affection should decline with maturity

[Techmonkey]

Today I had a discussion regarding romanticism and affection. She feels pretty strongly that romanticism and affection belong to people in their 20s who just don't know any better. Random kissing, hugging, and touching are largely unnecessary if you are a "mature" adult. For example, if you're confident in yourself, you don't need validation through affection. If you have a mature partnership, you focus on paying the bills and don't waste time and energy on being needy/clingy. I know every relationship is different and each person has different expectations, but I was curious how others felt about this outlook.

[Gaeta]

I hope you are not dating this person.

 

I am 51 and my boyfriend is 49, so we fall in the category of being mature. We show affection and romanticism toward each other on daily basis.

 

It’s important for your physical, mental and emotional well being to touch and let others touch you.

 

Not only touching is a way to show love and affection but it's also something our brain needs to function properly. The touch of each other in a relationship serves to connect, bond, it reduces anxiety. It is so strong that touching reduces high blood pressure

 

Touch plays a crucial role in generating and enhancing love. People feel more satisfied in a relationship in which physical affection is a significant part.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201405/why-lovers-touch-is-so-powerful

 

[Shanex]

My lovey-dovey attitude has indeed greatly subsided since I was that age. Doesn't mean I am indifferent to the person. I guess I understand where she was getting at, but I don't see this as maturity.

[Techmonkey]

Thanks for the replies. Gaeta, thanks for the link. I am dating her which is what brought up the conversation. Affection in her terms is sitting against each other when watching TV and holding hands out in public. That's about it. She tolerates and frequently (sometime vocally) declines hugging, kissing, close body contact.

 

FWIW she's also not inclined towards sex very often and openly admits it's simply maintenance sex and of no enjoyment to her. Largely because of her depression and self-image as well as being unhappy with me. So she's just not a very physical person (with me) in general. I'm sure it's all tied together and that the correct answer is to GTFO ASAP. All this rejection can do a number on how you see yourself.

 

I figure it's worth getting outside opinions to help insure that I'm not being unreasonable in my views. Thanks.

[Gaeta]

Thanks for the replies. Gaeta, thanks for the link. I am dating her which is what brought up the conversation. Affection in her terms is sitting against each other when watching TV and holding hands out in public. That's about it. She tolerates and frequently (sometime vocally) declines hugging, kissing, close body contact.

 

FWIW she's also not inclined towards sex very often and openly admits it's simply maintenance sex and of no enjoyment to her. Largely because of her depression and self-image as well as being unhappy with me. So she's just not a very physical person (with me) in general. I'm sure it's all tied together and that the correct answer is to GTFO ASAP. All this rejection can do a number on how you see yourself.

 

I figure it's worth getting outside opinions to help insure that I'm not being unreasonable in my views. Thanks.

 

With these additional information yes it's time to get out of this. I don't know what her problem is and it's not important, she cannot offer you love and affection. The real kind.

 

You know life isn't easy so at least when you go home at night go to a loving woman.

[basil67]

Goodness! She sounds dead inside. GTFO is the right response.

[Woggle]

I am pushing 40 and she is early 40s and we are lovey dovey like a bunch of high school sweethearts. Romance works at any age.

[Simple Logic]

Today I had a discussion regarding romanticism and affection. She feels pretty strongly that romanticism and affection belong to people in their 20s who just don't know any better. Random kissing, hugging, and touching are largely unnecessary if you are a "mature" adult. For example, if you're confident in yourself, you don't need validation through affection. If you have a mature partnership, you focus on paying the bills and don't waste time and energy on being needy/clingy. I know every relationship is different and each person has different expectations, but I was curious how others felt about this outlook.

 

^^^ Number one reason mature adults who know better get divorced.

Edited January 7, 2017 by Simple Logic

[RecentChange]

Gah!! That sounds nightmarish and I think her assertions are patently wrong.

 

I am nearing 40, my husband and I have been together for 15 years.

 

Every day we:

Hug

Kiss

Cuddle, often give hand, head or back massages. Most nights I fall asleep with my head on his lap while he strokes my hair (we have slightly different schedules and I wake up a few hours before him)

 

We have sex several times a week.

We often "make out" in public. We hold each other close and share intimate kisses.

 

No, going cold and not physically expressing love are NOT signs of "maturity".

 

Affection and romance (I am still delighted every time I glance at the love letter he left for me to find the other week), are the things that help keep love between two people alive, and allow relationships to flourish.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like yours died some time ago.

[Sweetfish]

Today I had a discussion regarding romanticism and affection. She feels pretty strongly that romanticism and affection belong to people in their 20s who just don't know any better. Random kissing, hugging, and touching are largely unnecessary if you are a "mature" adult. For example, if you're confident in yourself, you don't need validation through affection. If you have a mature partnership, you focus on paying the bills and don't waste time and energy on being needy/clingy. I know every relationship is different and each person has different expectations, but I was curious how others felt about this outlook.

 

Sounds like your Girl - friend is only interested in one thing.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Thanks for the replies. Gaeta, thanks for the link. I am dating her which is what brought up the conversation. Affection in her terms is sitting against each other when watching TV and holding hands out in public. That's about it. She tolerates and frequently (sometime vocally) declines hugging, kissing, close body contact.

 

FWIW she's also not inclined towards sex very often and openly admits it's simply maintenance sex and of no enjoyment to her. Largely because of her depression and self-image as well as being unhappy with me. So she's just not a very physical person (with me) in general. I'm sure it's all tied together and that the correct answer is to GTFO ASAP. All this rejection can do a number on how you see yourself.

 

I figure it's worth getting outside opinions to help insure that I'm not being unreasonable in my views. Thanks.

 

Oh...yikes...

 

I don't think things will improve from here...you may want to keep looking. She is already refusing you, "tolerating" you (eek) and is grooming you for even less than these scraps in the future, probably the near future.

[Techmonkey]

Thanks for the further feedback. I figured I had the right idea. Honestly, I'm not too heartbroken over it. We've been living together for 18 months. 16 of those have been filled with stress/strife. It should have ended a long time ago.

 

Sweetfish, I've no doubt that's part of it. I pay all the bills. The girl is an expense financially and emotionally.

 

Recentchange, I'm glad to see my vision of a healthy relationship isn't unheard of. I think a healthy mature relationship benefits from non-sex physical contact and (at 45) I firmly believe little things like love letters and flowers are not childish. This gives me hope of finding someone like-minded. Honestly, if you have the right chemistry with someone this all should come pretty naturally and not feel fake/forced.

[Mrin]

40's here. I feel like I'm hitting my romantic prime honestly. Life is boring and devoid vibrance without romance. My GF and I were told to get a room - by a teenager - when we were kissing in the park. Self high five.

[RecentChange]

Well at least it's been 18 months and not 18 years.

 

It's NEVER fun, even if it's the right thing to do, but it's time to cut your losses.

 

Difficult after the first few months? Eh, you should have had a year of love blinded limerence bliss!!!

 

And double gah - you are paying all the bills, and she wants you to focus on that? YIKES. I am the bread winner, and I hate having to deal with bills and those responsibilities, but as adults we have to, so the Mr at least helps lighten my load.

 

Bills are the unfortunate part of life, sharing love and affection? That's the beautiful part.

 

I will say, I am not trying to demonized her. She sounds like she is struggling with her mental health. I have a mantra that helps me empathize with such people - is that more often than not they don't WANT to be this way. It's just that depression and other issues can rob us of joy, or the choices we should be making, or the way we should be treating people.

 

She probably believes what she has told you, but if she was in a better mental state, I bet she wouldn't agree with those statements.

[Techmonkey]

 

I will say, I am not trying to demonized her. She sounds like she is struggling with her mental health. I have a mantra that helps me empathize with such people - is that more often than not they don't WANT to be this way. It's just that depression and other issues can rob us of joy, or the choices we should be making, or the way we should be treating people.

 

She probably believes what she has told you, but if she was in a better mental state, I bet she wouldn't agree with those statements.

 

It's refreshing to see a post on mental health issues that "gets it". I try to be as understanding as I can because she's bipolar. I think you're right in your assessment. Unfortunately I think she'll always have a difficult time sustaining relationships due to the inherent nature of her condition.

[RecentChange]

Yeah, I have loved ones with mental health issues, I get it.

 

You can love them with all your heart, but as much as you want to, you can't fix them. Sometimes you can support them, sometimes you can even help them, but it's hard.

 

And sometimes you have to simply save yourself. If you aren't bound by blood, or have years of good history to make the difficult journey worth it - unfortunately I think you need to do the right, and sometimes hard thing for your OWN mental health.

 

We get only one life on this Earth, so best to use that time wisely.

[Gloria25]

It's refreshing to see a post on mental health issues that "gets it". I try to be as understanding as I can because she's bipolar. I think you're right in your assessment. Unfortunately I think she'll always have a difficult time sustaining relationships due to the inherent nature of her condition.

 

Ummm, I don't see physical attention/affection as being "needy" or "immature" - I see it as an expression of care, affection, passion and/or love.

 

And we humans need touch. There are people who volunteer in hospitals to just hold children because while a new born baby may not be able to see or understand what's going on - they need basic "touch".

 

When I'm into a guy we are touching, kissing, holding - having sex (or making love). If we don't do that, then what are we? Roommates or friends?

 

Maybe this woman you're seeing needs counseling. Maybe she had some trauma (sexual abuse) that has her unable to desire/tolerate physical contact. Maybe she's dating you out of convenience for companionship and/or help with her bills (**sorry**).

 

Maybe she's just not a nice person. I heard a woman call my favorite podcaster and thought it was hilarious that she didn't care to have sex with her husband - it's as if she got a thrill out of turning him down.

 

Even when I was going through stressful times, I didn't turn down my FWB. It was hard for me to get into the mood, but I did it cuz I cared about him and it felt good once I got into it. Which is another point I wanna make - which is, in relationships it's not all about "one", it's about "us" and relationships are about "giving" freely. Think about it, if I'm giving to you without expectations, you will reciprocate and give back to me...then, we have both people giving back/forth. If she has problems, then if I were her I'd seek help about it cuz I wanna bring my best "self" for my SO. I can't come to a RL and have nothing to give.

 

Well, it's 18 months you've dated her. This is who she is. It normally takes 1 1/2 to 2 years to see if you are a match. I guess you have a decision to make. Life is too short to be miserable. Better to correct it now than marry it and drag it out for several years.

 

Well wishes...

[Techmonkey]

 

Maybe she's dating you out of convenience for companionship and/or help with her bills (**sorry**).

 

 

Thanks for the reply. This has been one of my biggest concerns since the beginning. When we got together she had been broken up with her former boyfriend of eight years (a mutual friend), was renting a room from a former co-worker, no job, and running up her credit cards. When I initially showed interest in her she pretty much abruptly tackled me and initiated sex. It was awkward and weird. After she got comfortable and we started having issues her interest waned. Since then I put forth affection and affirmation where she puts in almost none. This situation is what sparked the earlier conversation because I'm fed up with feeling used and unloved.

[Gloria25]

Thanks for the reply. This has been one of my biggest concerns since the beginning. When we got together she had been broken up with her former boyfriend of eight years (a mutual friend), was renting a room from a former co-worker, no job, and running up her credit cards. When I initially showed interest in her she pretty much abruptly tackled me and initiated sex. It was awkward and weird. After she got comfortable and we started having issues her interest waned. Since then I put forth affection and affirmation where she puts in almost none. This situation is what sparked the earlier conversation because I'm fed up with feeling used and unloved.

 

Well, while we all have a "honeymoon" phase when we first start seeing someone...there's also a phase when you spend more time with them - where love, trust, and sex is supposed to be better and stronger.

 

With the guy I was seeing for over six years? Sex got better with time cuz we got closer and there's more trust and connection.

 

Yeah, there's gonna be lulls in any RL, but IMO, the sex and attention/affection should "grow" and evolve with time, not revert.

 

But yea, sounds like your gf has a lot of work to do outside of the bedroom too. I've heard some say that a guy who tries to rescue a "Damsel in Distress" ends up with a "Distressed Damsel"...in other words, people gotta fix themselves, they can't be "rescued".

 

One of my relatives just ended it with a similar situation. She was in her 20's no steady work, no car, not going to school, running up bills. She moved in with him and did pay for a lot of things, but they broke up cuz she was cheating the whole time...and now she crashed the car he got her, ran up her bills again - and is back to being a mess. Some people are just a mess. She called him and hung up a few times, but he's done with her. She was a hot mess.

[Mrlonelyone]

With these additional information yes it's time to get out of this. I don't know what her problem is and it's not important, she cannot offer you love and affection. The real kind.

 

You know life isn't easy so at least when you go home at night go to a loving woman.

 

Some people are naturally not very sexual but still want to be loved. It is one kind of sexual orientation along with being LGB there are people who are asexual and or have a lower sex drive. IF the OP is OK with this...

 

That said. I don't see many old married couples or old dating couples who are all over eachother in public at inappropriate times.

[Quiet Storm]

Your post sounds like it's describing someone that can't let themselves be vulnerable. Like they are afraid of appearing too needy, too "touchy feely", too immature, too thirsty for validation.

 

When you are in a healthy relationship, you aren't worrying about looking needy. You are just living in the moment and showing your spouse/ partner affection. You want to touch them, be close to them, kiss them.

 

There is no age limit for being expressive. I've been with my husband 26 years and we're still affectionate and flirty. Our hormones may not be raging like they were when we were in high school, but we are still emotional, affectionate and sexually expressive.

[Mrlonelyone]

Let me pose this towards you all.

 

Old hands here may remember my dealings with the woman I call M. You're tired of hearing of her. Here is a story I've never told.

 

The bulding we worked in had several floors but only one narrow NARROW hallway. One way in and out of every floor and every room. That is the physical context.

 

The emotional context is our relationship as such felt over. I was told and she was told by a dean to leave eachother alone (as would be affirmed latter by people who knew the situation). We were prevented from talking to or interacting with eachother.

 

After I complained about her actions it was made clear to her to leave me alone. Then she started doing anything she could to physically run into me.

 

The ultimate event was in that very narrow hallway. Some equipment was being moved from one of the rooms making a tight space big enough for 1.5 people. The key piece in the way was a very heavy cart. I tried to move it.

 

Then she moved in to the tight space.

 

Bent over and grabbed the cart.

 

Struggling to move it. It was so heavy we both could not.

 

I asked her to move. She stayed bent over.

 

I pushed on through the tight space. We may have lingered a bit too long in that space and there was some mutual touching.

 

This is when we were broken and forbidden to ever talk. Yet we ... well.. if there hadn't been two witnesses present who knows.

 

When there are passionate feelings people want to touch or express those feelings in some way.

 

Passion never last.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm sure some cats are thrilled by this news....

 

 

TFY

[Gaeta]

Some people are naturally not very sexual but still want to be loved. It is one kind of sexual orientation along with being LGB there are people who are asexual and or have a lower sex drive. IF the OP is OK with this...

If OP was happy about it he wouldn't be posting about it on here. She needs to find a man that has the same vision as her.

 

That said. I don't see many old married couples or old dating couples who are all over eachother in public at inappropriate times.

 

This is not about inappropriate show of affection, it's about show of affection, period. I know couples who have been together 25 years and still hold hands and shows affection when they're out. If it's something important for both of them then they make it last.

[Sweetfish]

Thanks for the further feedback. I figured I had the right idea. Honestly, I'm not too heartbroken over it. We've been living together for 18 months. 16 of those have been filled with stress/strife. It should have ended a long time ago.

 

Sweetfish, I've no doubt that's part of it. I pay all the bills. The girl is an expense financially and emotionally.

 

Recentchange, I'm glad to see my vision of a healthy relationship isn't unheard of. I think a healthy mature relationship benefits from non-sex physical contact and (at 45) I firmly believe little things like love letters and flowers are not childish. This gives me hope of finding someone like-minded. Honestly, if you have the right chemistry with someone this all should come pretty naturally and not feel fake/forced.

 

 

Well your GF said your in a partnership right? Tell her to define this? What are her duties. If she can't come up with anything..

 

WALK!

 

At this point your paying for sex.

Your a sugar daddy.

If your a decent guy and fiscally secured... You can go to many sites and get the same treatment from women.

 

You've been emotionally hijacked to supply her needs...so i would get out of this relationship ASAP.

Edited January 7, 2017 by Sweetfish