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Scared about Emotions over a 5 Year Relationship and Her Ex-Friend.


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Not really sure where to began. I'm not the type of person to post on forums, but I have no one to truly talk about the situation.

 

 

 

 

So, I'll start with some basic information. I'm going to try and make things very clear and hope my horrible writing doesn't muck anything up. I'm fine with clearing things up more if needed. (Sorry if this get long and its not suppose to be)

 

 

 

 

To start I'm 20yrs old about to turn 21 in a few weeks. I'm a pretty laid back guy I like to think, I go along with really anything that happens in life. I try to make people happy even though i'm very cold hearted and have some major trust issues. I also have a hard time expressing my emotions about love and sadness. Though If provoked by certain people that can pres my buttons I can get very intense and mad. I don't really have a that many friends and I don't go anywhere and prefer to stay at home. But I really didn't think I would ever have this problem in my life. Recently(2 weeks) I've been slowly hitting my normal winter blues that pops up around my birthday. But a lot more then just my normal contemplating general death and life choices. I've been reflecting on some horrible stress and relationship struggles that happened around the same time last year. Which I would hope is a good place to start.

 

 

 

 

Around Dec 2015 I still lived with my parents and my gf lived where she does now, with her Ex-Friend from high school(19yrs). I knew this friend sorta well because she was always hanging out with them around lunch and after school. Now not to give the wrong impression I am scrawny and white, but throughout my whole life I've had a bad case of resting scary face, i also have the a very deep voice. So mixing my voice, face, and my general demeanor which is uncaring She was truly scared of me and kept her distance. But with her living with my gf she got to see a lot more of me and her and me became really good friends with a lot in common, still now we are best friends. But she has some really bad emotional baggage, and was depressed and worked 24/7. My gf was concerned about her and grew very fond of her after living with her. All 3 of us are very open about intercourse and relationships so my gf and I talked about it and invited her into our relationship. Which was going well and everyone was enjoying it. After about 2 months my gf and me when to Florida after a car accident, her Ex-Friend couldn't come. While we were gone she ended up having 2 three-ways with random couples she barley knew. I felt hurt, which i didn't expect at the time cause she was completely in her right because we said she could. But I had grown attached to her and my gf together. After talking about it and 2 weeks after all 3 of us agreed to have a three-way. Nothing bad happened and everyone fell asleep together. The next morning though my gf had to go to work and me and her Ex-Friend had the day off. We talked about the night before and ended up doing foreplay on the couch. Even longer story short I went back to my parents house and woke up to 30 text about the whole thing and about how horrible I am as a person. This was resolved but her Ex-Friend was removed from the relationship and the whole situation became awkward. Mid jan 2016 I moved in with my gf with her Ex-Friend still there. And I tried to get everything on level ground and took all the blame cause it was my fault in my mind. But it didn't resolve anything. Fights broke out between them all the time because my gf refused to forgive her. And i still talked to her because I general enjoyed it and we could be open to each other without being judged which happens with my gf. This lead to my gf breaking up with me and saying "she couldn't be with someone she didn't love anymore." Which hurt more then anything and still stays with me to this day. I ended up leaving the house for a hour or so, its all a blur, and driving around randomly. her Ex-Friend told me to come back because she was scared I would do something bad and i ended up coming back and sleeping on the couch. a month later her Ex-Friend moved out and it was just my gf and me. I still talked to her Ex-Friend a lot and went over to her new house a lot to talk. Nothing ever happened other then she asked how I viewed her, and I did tell her I cared for her just about the same as I did my gf and she kissed me. I slept in the room her Ex-Friend stayed in and just went to work and played video games with the door shut. After about 3 weeks she started talking to me again. She meet people on I cupid and played games with them and talked to me about them. I'm a nice guy, I wasn't over her but I was more then happy to give her my thoughts and told her to keep trying and to just be careful if she met anyone. This slowly lead up to her wanting to watch movies together and her saying she just wanted to feel "wanted." To explain a little of this We've never had intercourse, we tried several times but shes really bad with pain and scared to go any farther then foreplay. So after 4ish years of being with her I just didn't want to mess around nearly as much as I used to, also one of our break ups in the past was because she thought i just wanted her for that so i learned to just get over the urge. I also because I worked 40+ hours a week and just was tired. So she felt i was bored of her intercourseually. I wasn't but i explained that I just dont want it that much. In the end I told her I would try to be more "willing". Fast forward to now, we've had a few fights but not that many. One big one about her snakes she got into and how she wanted to open a exotic pet shop. I said she needs to maybe think about location and if she could and got mad and locked me out of the room for a day because i was ruining her dreams. We stay in separate rooms during the day because my computer is in her Ex-Friends room and after she got her snakes there is no room in hers. We sleep in the same bed and generally dont talk unless its her ranting to me about work. We dont do stuff really anymore and work opposite hours since I got a new job. I still keep in touch with her Ex-Friend and we are best friends, and my gf hates that i still talk to her so I dont mention her Ex-Friend to her.

 

 

 

 

Most recently I started playing DnD with some friends and Her ex-Friend got invited. Playing with her is a lot of fun even if she still messes up her modifiers, shes very care free and fun about the game. She said tis because she can be herself and just be free. This pissed my gf off every time I talked about her Ex-Friend and DnD, so she asked if I would play with her and make a game up. Being nice I said yes. The first game was fine but forced, she just invited a few of her Ex-Friends over one night after i worked, which made me grumpy about it. The next game was put off because i told her it was a rough night and I was tired. She blew up on me and locked me out of the room for 3 hours saying that we never did anything fun together and she didn't care if we did. I ended up blowing up and slamming on the door till she let me in and i told her i'm never DMing for her again. She stayed mad at me for the next few days.

 

 

 

 

After all this we haven't fought in 2 months? not really sure. But I've been talking to her Ex-Friend and playing DnD every Monday with her. She recently starting going out with another guy who plays with us and I'm so happy for her cause she complained about how no guys are attracted to her. But this also hurt a little deep down and I don't really know why. I guess its because I became so attached and we talked so much and I just think she wont need me anymore. I did talk about this to my gf and she was happy that shes not going to be talking to me as much, but i think she noticed how hurt I was and just said "Well, i'll always need you baby." Which didn't really help.

 

 

 

 

So, Long story long I don't really know how to feel about everything. My head and chest hurt about all this and I don't know how I should feel. I've talked a little about this to her Ex-Friend too and she assured me she will never not be there for me like i was for her. Which helped but now i'm just confused with the fact that I don't know if I should stay with my gf of 5 years and just keep going with it or what. I truly care for them both all the way but I would never tell my gf because she would flip her lid. I never thought I would be in this situation. I'm also worried its just like weird 20yr old guy urges for the new that's blinding me. I'm scared to make a mistake because I hate hurting people in anyway. But I don't like this feeling of being stuck and hurt though I assume it will go away with time.

 

 

I hope this isn't too long and annoying. I could put a TL;DR but I would prefer people to kinda read and ask questions to help me out with this.

I really appreciate anyone's insight on this. Sorry for grammar and spelling too.

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