Help regarding the now sort of ex girlfriend.

[nomadic0n]

My situation is very difficult one to get the jist of so bear with me while i explain. Me and my now ex were together for five and half years. highschool sweethearts almost done with college. Everything seemed perfectly fine up until a week we broke up. It started with a hypothetical question of "DO you ever find other people attractive?" This should have been the first warning sign. But not being aware anything was wrong , i shruged it off. WE went to her families for easter and everything seemed fine other then when we talked about her moving out of her house. Her mom just recently passed away.. so this is a hard thing for her me thinks. Ill forward the story to two days later. She I came in and she looked so bothered i had to practically force her to tell me what was going on. She told me she had beent thinking about seeing other people and had some comitment issues. (how do i know your the right guy if .... ) We talked about the issue for about two hours.. very emotional time.. everything seemed fine. again. we went and got dinner and she went ot work. The next day i came over to help her move again and she met me at the door and was like I need to see other people.. That she couldn't go on having the regret that she had of not really anyone else ever.. (she had two boyfriends before me but they were a-holes) she said she still loved me which is why it was so hard. I didnt fight too hard at this point. I just asked her if cheated on me and if she had already started dating someone/had someone in mind. Two days after that she called me to set up when we were going to go to the gym. We talked a bit. But when i went to hang up , she was like "Before you hear it from anyone else, me and steve are an item.) All you need to know is that steve works at a store with me and my now ex. its a fairly big store so we dont bump heads unless theres a gathering of some kind. My friend called me later to see if i was aware that she was out with someone else later... that sucked.

 

Seeing as the only course of action is to ether not talk to her anymore or be her friend. I choose the high road and decided to be the friend. I told her this over coffee after the gym. I also told her that i understood all the reasons. for the breakup and if and when we got back together two things i would want to change is the communication because if we had been completly open this might not have happened and that we would take one day at a time and not plan our lives out the way we did.. she noded the entire i was saying this.. but couldnt look me in the eye. when i challanged this she said it hurt too much. She also said this conversation is nothing like what she thought it was going to be . that she thought i was going to excuse her of cheating on me... She also told me she couldnt stop thinking of steve...

 

The next day we went to the gym again ( we are training for a triathalon) and again went to get drinks afterwords. this time it was much better. Talk about work and school. No real discussion of realtionships.. real nice. Later that night , I IMed her online and asked the question Is there anything i need to work on as a person or relationship wise in order to be a better man?" she said i should relax around her more and not be so mature(stuffy) about some situations. overall good.. I told her that i had a few dates lined up as well...

 

two days later we talked again , she was curious how one of the dates went so i told her in brief. She didnt talk about steve so much as well. I accidently let slip that i was thinking about getting consueling. Next day i bumped into her at work and again she asked right out how the date went.. so i told her. I asked how her whole day went. she told me some stuff her and steve did. I toldher i was happy for her... she paused. about five seconds and said she was happy for me too. The whole time we were talking steve passed by 4 times or so giving me hard looks. Next day we had a store meeting , he made sure iw as looking their way and put his arms her and looked at me like shes mine now.. I almost lost it.. (im a fairly big guy with a reputation of having a violent temper) But i didnt. i just looked really pissed.

 

Now that you guys know the situation i need real advise. I really want my ex back.. i know my place right now is to be the friend and just remind her of why she loved me for so long. the jealousy card seems to be one to play as well. But all this doesnt seem right to me at all. BUt part of me knows i have to give her some space.. im a little lost right now. like part of me went with her.

[from ND]

Well I ca relate with you on the Jealousy thing, meaning you know talking about your new dates makes her curious, just like she knows steve gets your feelings going, You want her back, well, this is my opinion, I dont know this girl, but Ill tell you this, If you know her family or she had you over there alot, and she says its "painfull " for her to talk about things, maybe she is feeling guilt for the cheating, or whatver, even though that she is now with steve, also, look at this, she talks to you about steve, and she is interested in what you are up to, so, with that said, you are DEFINITley still on her mind, now heres the hard part, you could ask her to get back with you, just go lay it on the line, She already KNOWS you want her back, so from whatr you said, she knows you are available, thats the bad thing, because even though she still has feelings, she sees that as long as you are still interested, she can be with steve, maybe she is doing it to see how badly you want her. Another thing I suggest, if you want to know her feelings and/or want her back, is take a week, DONT call her, DONT talk to her NOTHING, if she calls you act like your busy, just blow her off, I mean it sounds evil, butwho broke up with who, now within a few days of this if she talks to you, start talking about another girl. From here she will either fess up her true feelings or she wont care, thats how you will know. you could do that, or just be out and out romnatic, bring her flowers in public and tell her your REAL feelings, do it at the store, if you are more of a man than Steve, who cares??? this chick will see you mean business, and if she doesnt respond to the roses, forget about her. good luck man

[nomadic0n]

hmm intresting advise.. but if she asked to for her space shouldn't i give it to her ... even if it for like a month. Most females have told that just asking her back out wouldn't be the best move because if she hasn't worked out these feelings that It will come back in a more ugly form. But i agree with the first part. im trying not to call her or talk to her unless it becomes a pain to do so. I don't want to make it look like i don't want to be friends with her ether. I was friend with her for a year before we went out.. losing a relationship thats over 6 years old doesn't sound like the best move ether.

 

But great feedback. anyone else wanna take a crack at solving this puzzle?

[nomadic0n]

i just realized that this is in the wrong section. can a mod move it ? thnx

[from ND]

Also, I think the main importantance is to go with your heart, the reason I say this is because if its meant to work out with her, It Will. I agree, backing off and give her her space will let her conclude her real feelings, about You, about this Steve etc. I know it hurts man, I went through the same thing last fall, now after 5 mos of no contact, I hear from my ex who is in jail, when she called I had all these feelings of like "wow maybe it will work out", and I found myself caught up in alot of my old thinking patterns, because she cheated, I was still hanging on to old resentments I thought I had let go off, so I wrote her in there, as a friend, telling her I care about what happens to her, man I want to drive down there and visit her so bad, but we havent been together , let alone spoken 2 words since Nov 13, she called me April 2, telling me she loved me, all I can do is keep on, maybe things have changed, but whatever wil work out will be, I was with her 2 years, not as long as you, but I can relate. It hurts like hell to see them with another guy, because you get that mental picture, I think if you sit and see that the 2 of you ARE talking, and are civil, that maybe this is just a timepoint in the relationship where she needs to go back into the world to realize you ARE the guy for her, I mean based on everything you said, It sounds like a healthy communication you have going now despite the fact you are not exclusively together, that is a GOOD thing, also, in my opinion, for however long she was with you, it will take her THAT long to get as close or close to steve or whoever she is with if it isnt you, also, women and guys need healing time, most post break up relationships do not work, meaning if she jumped right into Steve without giving herself any time to get over you , chances are it wont last, thats a proven truth. reason being, you cant give someone 100 percent devotion, if you still have undecided feelings for another, these are the things in your favor, Plus, she knows in her heart, or she should the value of your and her relationship, maybve when she says space, she needs to feel on her own what its like without you, to see if she misses those things. also sounds like this Steve dude is insecure, the way he looked at you or try to make you jealous, just play it cool, that makes him more mad when you act like it dont bother you, good luck man, it will all wor out one way or another.