Let's talk triggers

[BluesPower]

So I think it has finally happened, I am losing what little sanity I had.

 

Let me explain: Some have read my threads or posts so you know some of the story.

 

L&S is that wife had a 20 year hidden drug addiction, yes hidden, and all of this has come to light in the last 2 years. She is sober now and we are working on our marriage.

 

So 2 things happened this weekend that really caused me to go into a tailspin of depression and doubt.

 

I go into an argument with my 21 YO son (Very heated, no blows) about being disrespectful to his mother. He was stressed and anxious because he had to get out the door, be that as it may, this is not allowed in my house and he knows it. He was a jerk and would not back down when I brought his behavior to his attention. That was bas enough, but afterwards the wife and I had a talk about it and I felt like I had to repeat to her calmly for the 1000th time that I would not stand for that behavior in my house. I am too old, too worn out and I have had it with all of those things. Any one that is not happy with the way that I run my house is free to leave at any time.

 

I guess that we reached an OK place together about this but it just made me feel like that changes I have made (dealing with my codependency) and the changes that she is making (dealing with a host of issues, addiction and recovery for the most part) really have not made that much difference over the last few months. Logical or not it is how I am feeling.

 

So, I guess Sunday morning, we are starting to making love and I am caressing her and I pass over an old scar on her back from one of her insane completely wasted incidents and all of these emotions and anger and mind movies from the past just came rushing back. It totally freaked me out and still is.

 

I finished making love with her and started my day but I am and was totally feeling weird and distant from everyone.

 

Short details of the incident are, she was totally out of control and totally wasted and barely able to walk. My sons and I were trying to get her to bed so maybe she would pass out and go to sleep She runs into the hall restroom tries to slam and lock the door, slips and falls into the bathtub. While falling she hits the built in ceriamic soap dish that sticks out and brakes into pieces as she falls down.

 

Thank goodness the she did not get a huge gash across her back but she came out if it with a few cracked ribs and some scratches and bruising. Serious deep, deep bruising that left this scar on her back. And this is just one of hundreds of incidents that we had to deal with over the years.

 

A scar that I have seen a 1000 times, but this time it just really through me for a loop, I can't understand it.

 

So, the rollercoaster ride continues, and this particular downturn had made my sex drive for her or any other woman just evaporate. And that is saying something.

 

I am sure that all these emotions are temporary but they just suck. I have my IC on Wednesday.

 

I really don't emotionally know how to handle this type of stuff. I feel like this is driving me crazy and for me that is a shout drive.

 

Suggestions, Comments?

[Got it]

My completely non professional advice, but be gentle with yourself. You know that the emotions are fleeting but they are important to feel. Maybe try journaling your feelings and know that it is like peeling an onion, you are going to continue to have to confront and work through these things as they happen. What you experienced, a spouse of an addict, is traumatizing and it takes time.

 

It changed you and now that you are healing you are changing again. That is going to have it's own ripple effect but doesn't mean it is bad. Just means it will leave a wake.

 

(((((((BluePower))))))))

[elaine567]

I could be wrong here but you appear to solve your problems with sex, problems in your marriage you cheat with numerous women, now you have reconciled with your wife you NEED to have sex with your wife daily.

BUT having daily sex doesn't really solve any problems and finding the scar during sex showed you that. That is why it was so devastating, you covered up all the other "stuff" by convincing yourself that because you were having daily sex, all was right in the world between you and your wife.

Its not, and daily sex on its own, will not make it right either.

[Popsicle]

I dunno, guys always seem to work through their struggling times and figure out how to stay married. I'm sure you'll do the same.

[BluesPower]

elaine567 - you could be right...

 

Couple of things though - I am other woman free for several months now.

 

And, my wife and I always try to have sex once a day at least.

 

But I was probably using sex to deal with emotions at one time.

[elaine567]

elaine567 - you could be right...

 

Couple of things though - I am other woman free for several months now.

 

And, my wife and I always try to have sex once a day at least.

 

But I was probably using sex to deal with emotions at one time.

I know you are other woman free, but this once a day sex with your wife, sounds contrived to me, like it is a bit desperate, like it is being used as a band-aid to cover up the other issues you have with her.

"We are fine, we are having sex once a day, we must be fine..."

[BluesPower]

Well, maybe but we have always been that way when we are in a good place. Maybe that is just too out of the ordinary. It was way more when we were younger.

 

To a certain extent, if we are in our normal pattern of sex we are usually doing OK. Maybe that is covering up problems.

[Timshel]

So my dad used to say 'I'm going to the mountain.' He had been on many mountains in many countries, but when he said it at home...he was going upstairs to soak in the bathtub with the Bible.

 

It was his way of connecting to his deepest inner self. Every person has a different way of doing that.....but the result is a resolution between external and internal. The more compatible external existence meshes with internal self, the less conflict and more peace.

 

Maybe you should 'go to the mountain' BluesPower, along with IC of course, find your peace and make it your physical existence.

 

Make every aspect of your life truthful to yourself, easier said than done and maybe a bit deep for your OP but I hope you may understand what I'm getting at.

 

There are so many wonderful authors..Eckhart Tolle is quite good for one.

[understand50]

BluesPower,

 

I think that you need to remind yourself that the past, is in the past. Letting these thoughts ruin your day, in the end, does not help. In any case, you can not change what happened, only try to keep a good path for what is ahead for you and your wife. I remind myself of this when I trigger. In many ways, controling triggers is just reminding yourself that that was then, what do I need to do now?

 

I wish you luck....

[Herbalist]

We process things when our brains determine that we are ready. The brain organ is truly an evolutionary wonder and is far more complex and highly advanced than most are aware. It can usually determine for itself when it is ready neurologically and psychologically to process something, otherwise it will activate defensive mechanisms such as repression and dissociation to protect itself, as emotional overloads can actually create changes to the brain organ that can impair it in the future.

 

If something from a long time ago begins to surface and feel emotionally fresh and raw as though it just happened yesterday, while tough to bear, it is a positive sign. It means your brain has determined that you have grown in wisdom and strength, psychologically, and that you are now ready to process things that would have been too overwhelming in the past. One way of putting it is that your very own brain organ has faith in you.

 

The guidance of a therapist can very helpful, for sure, but also bear in mind through it all that your own brain organ has determined that you are ready, and that's a pretty major vouch of confidence.

[dichotomy]

Triggers of past pain, loss, hurts - is an issue. Heck focusing on current pain and loss is an issue as well.

 

All I can say works occasionally for me is to find images, thoughts, memories you can switch to that have positive reinforcement.

 

I am sure there are some good memories - sexual, non sexual, laughs, positive acts by your wife you can focus on - instead. force your mind to that positive memory or image or feeling.

 

I don't know what that would be for you - for example you feel the scar on her back and feel the pain of her accident - and then maybe you decided instead see or feel the scare on her tummy from the birth of your child and you remember that event. Just an wild example of switching it up.

 

One other minor example of creating mental pictures or emotional stages in your mind - I get stressed when having some medical procedures - like being inside a MRI - I have a trick while that is happening - I close my eyes and remember being a kid in my back yard - its sunny day - grass is green - and my childhood golden retriever is sitting next to me - I am petting it - I can feel the soft fur and the warm sun on my face. It helps until the current stressful event has passed.

Edited November 15, 2016 by dichotomy

[Methodical]

Honest opinion here and I hope it doesn't offend you because that isn't my intent .

 

Sex is your drug of choice. It masks the pain you feel because sex and love kind of go hand in hand *most* of the time. Your son lacks respect for your wife due to the things he has seen and heard.

 

You can lay down rules, and he may play by them most of the time, but that doesn't mean he carries your same beliefs and values. His actions/disrespect pissed you off and then seeing the scar brought back memories of you and your son trying to get her to bed.

 

I think you are angry that he disrespected your rules, but somewhere deep down in the dark recess that you don't want to recall, you kind of understand why he lacks respect for his mother and that isn't something you can force upon him. Playing by your rules doesn't mean he accepts your beliefs, and in that regard, you are powerless and pissed because essentially your wife's actions have colored your son's view.

 

I hope counseling helps you gain insight and skills to cope. Better days ahead, BP.

[Buddhist]

This is completely normal when you are actively working through issues. The triggers become more obvious, you are less able to dampen them, the rationale behind them becomes known. You are obviously still very angry about your wife's addiction, the fact she hid it and how it impacted your life and that of your family. Very, very normal emotions. It's the path of healing, long repressed emotions are coming to the surface. Stick with it.

[lftbehind]

So I think it has finally happened, I am losing what little sanity I had.

 

Let me explain: Some have read my threads or posts so you know some of the story.

 

L&S is that wife had a 20 year hidden drug addiction, yes hidden, and all of this has come to light in the last 2 years. She is sober now and we are working on our marriage.

 

So 2 things happened this weekend that really caused me to go into a tailspin of depression and doubt.

 

I go into an argument with my 21 YO son (Very heated, no blows) about being disrespectful to his mother. He was stressed and anxious because he had to get out the door, be that as it may, this is not allowed in my house and he knows it. He was a jerk and would not back down when I brought his behavior to his attention. That was bas enough, but afterwards the wife and I had a talk about it and I felt like I had to repeat to her calmly for the 1000th time that I would not stand for that behavior in my house. I am too old, too worn out and I have had it with all of those things. Any one that is not happy with the way that I run my house is free to leave at any time.

 

I guess that we reached an OK place together about this but it just made me feel like that changes I have made (dealing with my codependency) and the changes that she is making (dealing with a host of issues, addiction and recovery for the most part) really have not made that much difference over the last few months. Logical or not it is how I am feeling.

 

So, I guess Sunday morning, we are starting to making love and I am caressing her and I pass over an old scar on her back from one of her insane completely wasted incidents and all of these emotions and anger and mind movies from the past just came rushing back. It totally freaked me out and still is.

 

I finished making love with her and started my day but I am and was totally feeling weird and distant from everyone.

 

Short details of the incident are, she was totally out of control and totally wasted and barely able to walk. My sons and I were trying to get her to bed so maybe she would pass out and go to sleep She runs into the hall restroom tries to slam and lock the door, slips and falls into the bathtub. While falling she hits the built in ceriamic soap dish that sticks out and brakes into pieces as she falls down.

 

Thank goodness the she did not get a huge gash across her back but she came out if it with a few cracked ribs and some scratches and bruising. Serious deep, deep bruising that left this scar on her back. And this is just one of hundreds of incidents that we had to deal with over the years.

 

A scar that I have seen a 1000 times, but this time it just really through me for a loop, I can't understand it.

 

So, the rollercoaster ride continues, and this particular downturn had made my sex drive for her or any other woman just evaporate. And that is saying something.

 

I am sure that all these emotions are temporary but they just suck. I have my IC on Wednesday.

 

I really don't emotionally know how to handle this type of stuff. I feel like this is driving me crazy and for me that is a shout drive.

 

Suggestions, Comments?

 

Why didn't you know that she was an addict when all these incidents happened? Why did you think they were happening? It sounds like she has changed and is working on your marriage, so you need to forgive her and she needs to forgive you, too. I know that it's hard to get over things that happened in the past and you may think she'll relapse.

[BluesPower]

lftbehind, hard to believe that I could not figure it out.

 

BTW everyone, I just saw all those typos in my original post, sorry.

 

So, she is a legitimate pain management patient and she had/has some emotional issues as well. Those two things usually go together a lot of the time because dealing with chronic pain is so difficult.

 

Anyway, she started mixing things (drug cocktail) that she we using to get high/wasted. But, it was not like every day. She would be ok for a couple of days, sometimes almost a week at a time, then she would be out of it for 2 or 3 days at a time.

 

Being so close to the situation, you could not really see what was happening. Was it just too much pain meds? Was it the mood stabilizers or anti-depressants, was she not eating, was she drinking?

 

You just could not figure it out. And, it started slow and just got worse over the years. It was a mystery until I got some distance and clarity. Finally I was able to put 2 and 2 together and understand what was going on. Oddly enough, I figured out what the deal was a few months before she got sober.

 

Until I understood what was actually going on, I thought that I was crazy. I thought I was just not taking care of her properly, or not understanding her or something. Maybe I was over reacting, I had to be doing something wrong or she would not be acting this way.

 

When you are in the midst of something like that, you start thinking all kinds of silly things because you know something is wrong but you just cannot figure out what the issue really is.

 

Of course, the lied continually about what she had taken, and that made everything more confusing.

 

Anyway, that is how it stayed hidden for all of those years.

[Got it]

Was it hidden or where you in denial? Because if there were, on average, weekly episodes of an intoxicated mind, that is not normal and I would caution most would pick up on that far faster.

 

I suspect you noticed it far earlier than you feel you did and didn't want to deal with it, didn't know how to deal with it, etc.

 

And I do not think your son has to respect the rule of ignoring/rugsweeping just for the sake of respect. I think while he may have been disrespectful it warranted another conversation with him to steer him to where it was coming from and dealing with those emotions.

 

And he was witness everything by both of you. He has, I am sure, a great deal of anger tied to that and needs to work through it himself.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Got it

[LRaymer]

I am struggling with the same issues around triggers. I caught my fiances in a series of lies involving alcohol and irresponsible behavior, one of them lasting for over a year regarding our finances which is severely impacting our current situation. Trust was broken along with all sorts of other nasty feelings. As far as triggers..as an example I experience a rush of terrible feelings when he asks about going to a bar to watch a game with friends for example. The feelings are sudden, suffocating, and they linger for quite awhile. It causes me to shut down and withdraw for as short as hours but up to days at a time. We can be fine for a good period of time but one trigger sends it all down in a tailspin again. I know its a form of trauma and have been told its something that takes time, but it seems to be getting worse and its pretty miserable to experience.

[spiderowl]

Sounds like the stress of what has happened over the past few years has risen to the surface and is affecting you now if it didn't then.

 

I would guess you have had enough of dealing with a partner who has all these problems, however much she is trying to deal with them.

 

Argument with son must be stressful and upsetting. Have you really thrown him out? If so, I would think you might be feeling guilty deep down even though you felt you had very good reasons. Hopefully both of you will calm down and make overtures to each other to try to overcome this. Losing one's home is a big thing. Problem is, we all feel justified in our arguments and presumably the son did too. You mentioned disrespect - I just wondered what kind of disrespect. Not to excuse it in any way but sometimes the things that upset us most do so because they hit home at some level.

 

It sounds a very stressful place to be at the moment. I can kind of understand it as one copes until there are just too many conflicting stresses in the mix and then the mind tends to make us feel confused, hurt, anxious, and sleepless, and struggles to process the impossible. I hope whatever is causing you to feel this sense of disturbance resolves itself soon.

[lftbehind]

lftbehind, hard to believe that I could not figure it out.

 

BTW everyone, I just saw all those typos in my original post, sorry.

 

So, she is a legitimate pain management patient and she had/has some emotional issues as well. Those two things usually go together a lot of the time because dealing with chronic pain is so difficult.

 

Anyway, she started mixing things (drug cocktail) that she we using to get high/wasted. But, it was not like every day. She would be ok for a couple of days, sometimes almost a week at a time, then she would be out of it for 2 or 3 days at a time.

 

Being so close to the situation, you could not really see what was happening. Was it just too much pain meds? Was it the mood stabilizers or anti-depressants, was she not eating, was she drinking?

 

You just could not figure it out. And, it started slow and just got worse over the years. It was a mystery until I got some distance and clarity. Finally I was able to put 2 and 2 together and understand what was going on. Oddly enough, I figured out what the deal was a few months before she got sober.

 

Until I understood what was actually going on, I thought that I was crazy. I thought I was just not taking care of her properly, or not understanding her or something. Maybe I was over reacting, I had to be doing something wrong or she would not be acting this way.

 

When you are in the midst of something like that, you start thinking all kinds of silly things because you know something is wrong but you just cannot figure out what the issue really is.

 

Of course, the lied continually about what she had taken, and that made everything more confusing.

 

Anyway, that is how it stayed hidden for all of those years.

 

That's good that she's gotten sober and you are both working on your marriage. I've heard that a lot of people get addicted to drugs after starting pain management. Good luck to you both