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If your affair has ended, would you go back in time and still have the affair?


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For those of us who have had their affair end, if you could go back in time, would you still want to have been involved with another man/women or would you have done things differently?

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imperfectangel

Yes I would.

 

I would've let him leave his wife when he wanted to so we could've seen if we could've ever made it as a couple. When he told me how he felt I was wish I would've been honest instead of pretending I didn't care about him when really I think about him 24/7.

 

My only regret is letting it go on for so long.

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eye of the storm

Would I still have the A? Probably yes. Would I fall in love or stay in it as long as I did? No.

 

I know it sounds weird, but in the beginning the A was beneficial to me. I was pretty damaged and drowning. He is a freaking awesome mentor. And my M had given me a hesitation about sex. He was freaking awesome there too and I discovered that I actually do enjoy sex.

 

But I regret falling in love. And that I would change if I could.

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Yes I would.....I have learned alot about myself about relationships. Those wonderful moments I wouldn't change for anything. Even the bad moments. As I have grown from them.

 

On the flip side. I do regret that it took this to leave my M. That other people were hurt, and still hurt. But yes I think I would do it again.

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God, I don't know honestly.

 

On one hand, I love him deeply and he loves me and we are very well-suited for each other and we're exploring what it's like to be in a real relationship. I'm grateful every day that things ended this way..... We never future-faked with each other, and I never expected to end up with him. In some ways, it's the very best and happiest possible ending to the scenario.

 

On the other hand, I deeply hurt the person who I care about most in the world, my ex-husband. He's been very gracious and we still have some semblance of a friendship. But I took his trust and abused it and hurt him as badly as someone could hurt someone else, and that is the most despicable and devastating thing I can imagine. 6 months past divorce and 10 months past D-Day, I know now that no matter how much I loved him and still do, our marriage did not make me truly happy, nor him. And I don't think we ever could/would have fixed the issues at the root of it (which he knew about, and didn't care enough to change). And I don't think I would have ever left him outright... I just couldn't fathom a life without him, until it was already happening. So in some ways, I think this (divorce) is the best outcome for both of us and gives us both the best chance of being happy in the future. But f*ck, the way it happened.... :( I wish I could undo the pain caused. Not to mention, the destruction in almost every other aspect of life. Ugh.

 

Basically, affairs suck and even "happy" endings aren't really that happy.

 

But. I'm trying to have the mindset of, what's done is done. Decisions were made, and now all we can do is move forward along that path while learning from our mistakes.

 

Edit: No. I wouldn't do it over again. Nothing is worth having hurt my xH the way I did.

Edited by Birdies
had some more thoughts...
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MidnightBlue1980
For those of us who have had their affair end, if you could go back in time, would you still want to have been involved with another man/women or would you have done things differently?

 

omg, If I had one wish it would be for a time machine. I'd go back to that second date when we hooked up, I'd go to where we were in the bar when he said how he was in a roommate marriage and how he talked to her about divorce - I'd take a sip of my beer and say, "that sucks".

 

And none of it would have happened. Getting physical was the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it all.

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omg, If I had one wish it would be for a time machine. I'd go back to that second date when we hooked up, I'd go to where we were in the bar when he said how he was in a roommate marriage and how he talked to her about divorce - I'd take a sip of my beer and say, "that sucks".

 

And none of it would have happened. Getting physical was the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it all.

 

Save a seat for me in that time machine (((midnight))).

 

After acknowledging that our pretty harmless conversation was starting to cross the line, she said:

 

"Should we stop this?"

 

To which I replied....

 

"Why? We're not doing any harm."

 

Most costly six words of my life.

 

If only I'd just said.....

 

"Yes, I guess we should stop, but it's been lovely talking to you and I wish you a happy life."

 

Moments that end up defining your life - and it never crosses your mind at the time!

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HadMeOverABarrel

Yes, I would...but not for reasons some may suspect. I learned so much about myself and healed old traumas I thought I was long past. I just came to this conclusion in the last 24 hours. In recovering from the pain, I read up on personality disorders, watch YouTube videos about what within me attracted MM and vice versa, went back to IC, joined a recovery group. In short, I went on a journey of discovery that I would have had no motivation for if not for needing to heal and process pain from A.

 

Since I'm normally a strong person who nearly always has her $h*t together, it took the extreme, devastating pain of this to bring me to my knees, to force me to surrender to being vulnerable, to face my humanity that I can normally shield myself from by being "strong" and "together"--basically defense mechanisms. In this situation, the pain was so great that my normal defense mechanisms didn't help. The only way out was to go through...feeling, processing, understanding, healing it. In that process, I learned about my triggers, how old wounds resurface, how to better deal with future conflicts. I came to understand that his traits (in his wounded self below the surface) were magnetic to mine, which created that soulmate-like attraction. His need for adulation and praise was filled by my need to give it. I may post more details on my own thread, but it has been such an amazing discovery of so much that would not have happened without A. The combo of his actions in the A context triggered all this stuff within me that I can finally heal. Hooray!

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I'm with Jenkins and Midnight on this one! Never again it wasn't worth it for me. It took years of my life that I wish I had back :(

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Midlifecrisis1

If I could see how much pain I'd be in now, I wouldn't have ever done this. But I have to admit that I loved every minute of my affair and wish I could still be with him now (I'm not quite out of the fog...or I am seeing him through my rose colored glasses). Fact is, now I have to face the fact that I am not fulfilled in my marriage and have decisions to make.

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HeCantBreakMe
For those of us who have had their affair end, if you could go back in time, would you still want to have been involved with another man/women or would you have done things differently?

 

Oh gosh, i have thought about this a lot and if i could take away all of the pain this affair (I and MM) caused yes I would take that away in a second. I hurt so many people in this including myself and if i could go back and make a different decision, I would, in a second.

 

The person I am becoming because of this situation will be stronger and better. Pain changes people it forges us and makes us stronger and wiser - but i sure wish i could have gotten there without destroying everything in my path.

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HeCantBreakMe
Save a seat for me in that time machine (((midnight))).

 

After acknowledging that our pretty harmless conversation was starting to cross the line, she said:

 

"Should we stop this?"

 

To which I replied....

 

"Why? We're not doing any harm."

 

Most costly six words of my life.

 

If only I'd just said.....

 

"Yes, I guess we should stop, but it's been lovely talking to you and I wish you a happy life."

 

Moments that end up defining your life - and it never crosses your mind at the time!

 

Mine was " I had a dream about you last night" & "I have never wanted to have sex with anyone besides my husband..ever"

 

MOM -COME WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP PLEASE!

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HadMeOverABarrel

After re-reading my post, I would like to add:

 

In my case, we had no dday and I'm a single gal and was totally single and celibate during whole A...so fortunately the pain was limited mainly to me and perhaps MM (not sure if he ever felt pain bc he had things pretty good). I suppose there were moments early on where he gaslighted BS. Seems like that's his MO for handing all conflict with her anyway. Hurting others is never cool. A are wrong, but I learned a ton!

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NO. I was single and believed his lying about being in the middle of a divorce. It wasn't true. It just took me a LONG time to see his true colors. She can have his lying cheating ass. I wouldn't want to live with a cheater. Without trust....you have nothing

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Midlifecrisis1

My point of no return happened like this over text

 

Me "this conversation seems a little inappropriate, right?"

Him "sorry, sorry...do you want to stop? I won't tell."

Me "no, it'll be our secret"

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Oh my reading the responses and the genuine flood of emotion that stirs when we reflect on a life changing decision such as commencing an affair. Is it fair to say I don't know? I tend to be the type of person who learns lessons the hard way (like a 2x4 hard-no disrespect). Deep down I believe this path had to be traveled in order get where I am now. Far from perfect, but much more humbled.

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Yes...

 

With my 42yr old FWB, I enjoyed the moments we shared and am glad that I was able to give hope to a guy who was his ex's punching bag.

 

My 6yr guy? Ummm...that's a tough one. I wish I ended it a bit sooner, pretty much after I joined the military and left home. One day we were sitting in a restaurant eating and I was like "I'm so past this guy...look at him, he can't even sit at a restaurant and eat right". He was only good for hooking up, nothing more.

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Mine was " I had a dream about you last night" & "I have never wanted to have sex with anyone besides my husband..ever"

 

MOM -COME WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP PLEASE!

 

Yes! Later in the A, we were both guilty of using the 'i dreamed of you last night!' line too! It wasn't a lie, but, oh, why did I have to say it?!! The shame of it!

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My point of no return happened like this over text

 

Me "this conversation seems a little inappropriate, right?"

Him "sorry, sorry...do you want to stop? I won't tell."

Me "no, it'll be our secret"

 

Wow, (((Mlc))). That's sooo similar to me! It never ceases to amaze me how similar our stories can be under the hood!

 

The admission of a shared illicit secret! Very slippery path!

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HeCantBreakMe
My point of no return happened like this over text

 

Me "this conversation seems a little inappropriate, right?"

Him "sorry, sorry...do you want to stop? I won't tell."

Me "no, it'll be our secret"

 

Yup, ours would go like this "I am not sure we should do this" He would say "we are just getting to know each other right? Can't we just get to know each other better"?

 

Oh sure that sounds innocent enough!:sick:

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Fishfingersareyummy

This topic has been very eye-opening for me. It just goes to show how selfishness is deep rooted in our very core. It's nice to see the self-confessed most intelligent life form on the planet behaving as nature intended.

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That's a tough question to answer. That's like asking would we like to know what's in Pandora's box - after we know what's in Pandora's box.

 

I would like to say I wouldn't do it again, but the truth is I learned so much about myself, women, love, desire and relationships in general from that experience. The insight is invaluable.

 

Sometimes, experience is the best teacher. I may regret the experience, but I don't regret the lessons learned.

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Forever broken

Nooooooooooooooo pls nooooooooooooooo. I am no angel. I have made a lot of bad judgement in my life leading to huge mistakes but this my friends is the greatest of them all.

 

 

Unfortunately, you never know how bitter it is till you taste it.

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No. Without question no.

 

I betrayed my closest friend and lover of 6 years. The relationship was dying, I should have accepted it and let it go gracefully.

 

Instead I burnt it to the ground and left a stain on myself that'll never be gone.

 

It wasn't worth the pain, for myself or my ex. I'd take it all back in a heartbeat.

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