Is there a way to force yourself to turn deal breakers into non deal breakers?

[NJ123]

So I listed my deal breakers of what I'd want in a person for a relationship on another forum & it seems a lot of people think that I'm way too picky & that I'd likely end up alone with those requirements. How do you force yourself to be okay with things that you really aren't okay with in another person?

[smackie9]

What are they?.............

[DrReplyInRhymes]

You don't.

 

Don't settle for what you don't want.

 

Either compromise, or gtfo.

[NJ123]

What are they?.............

 

It's going to cause a ****storm on here most likely judging from my previous threads.

 

But here comes the hateful comments my way lol..

 

Never had a FWB - I guess I could maybe be okay with it, but ideally would prefer they didn't have one. I think it's more so if they stay friends with them afterwards is what I'd have a problem with.

 

Only 1 or 2 casual sex partners at most - Could make exceptions but it would be a complete turn off to me if they've had a lot of casual sex.

 

No kids- complete deal breaker

 

Doesn't smoke - If they occasionally smoke I'd be okay with it, but I'd ideally prefer a person to not smoke at all.

 

Never cheated on anyone - complete deal breaker

 

Doesn't lie - I mean in the context of the actual relationship. I know the vast majority of people have lied in their life time about something but I mean in terms of lying to their partner about things.

 

Hardly any male friends/still friends with ex bfs/sexual partners - Still being friends with an ex bf or ex sexual partner is a complete deal breaker. I'd be perfectly fine with her having male friends just as long as there's no attraction on either side. I wouldn't be okay with her being around guy friends that clearly want to get into her pants.

 

A lot of sexual partners - Ideally maybe 15-20 at the very most. But I just personally wouldn't be okay with someone that's had a lot of different sexual partners.

 

Not really overweight - Women with curves I'm perfectly fine with where I find a lot of them to be really attractive. If she's really overweight though than there would be no attraction on my side.

 

Doesn't go out partying a lot/drinking a lot - I'm perfectly fine with someone drinking alcohol but not to the extent where they're always getting drunk/drinking a lot. And a woman that's into the partying lifestyle is a deal breaker completely.

[SwordofFlame]

A better solution is to improve yourself and make yourself more attractive.

[NJ123]

A better solution is to improve yourself and make yourself more attractive.

 

Obviously. I'm just stating about what my deal breakers for me personally are though.

[bummer]

...I'd say I have somewhat high standards possibly to some people in terms of physical attraction but not to the point where their extremely ridiculous like expecting a woman to look like a model. I just want someone I'm personally attracted to & like her personality. The problem mainly is where am I going to find relationship material women since through Tinder & Bumble that's not going to be happening since it seems the vast majority of the women on there that I find attractive are on there mainly for ego boosting or just for hookups with the most attractive guys. Also, not that there's anything wrong with single moms, I personally don't want to be with a woman that has kids already where a lot of women in my age range already have kids.

 

Love reading your posts.

 

Hopefully your "rules" are grounded in sound experience and each have thoughtful justification. If you examine each and find the core of what they mean, perhaps you can adjust them to suite? Also being conscious of your own limitations and faults and the reality everyone has them may help you see that acceptance will allow you to be more free than you would be with your rules.

 

I imagine with no experience and issues of your own, you are perhaps putting up false barriers for some unknown reason. To protect yourself maybe? Why are you only attracted to 10s? Your ego? Society says that's whats good? If you can't attract them, you need to examine yourself more closely. Why can't you get them? Is that even what you want?

 

Some of the least socially attractive women I've dated were the best in many other ways. It's turning the prism of your judgment to see things from many perspectives. This comes from experience, which you need. A blind man can only describe something he's never seen so well.

 

Also, I think your own insecurity with sex is why you wouldn't accept a partner who has had many partners. It doesn't matter. You don't want diseases? good luck, girl's with one partner can still get stds. If you are attracted to each other, that's what matters.

 

Learn to quiet your thinking brain. Learn to relax. I guess if your jaw is bad youre a grinder and a worrier? Find coping mechanism to fix that. When you fix yourself, you open yourself up to new perspectives and a clearer mind to approach the world.

 

Reading your "list." Those are all reasonable. You want a good not-fat girl who doesn't smoke or have kids. Easy to find anywhere since thats the majority.

 

Good luck as always, NJ!

Edited October 11, 2016 by bummer

[NJ123]

Love reading your posts.

 

Hopefully your "rules" are grounded in sound experience and each have thoughtful justification. If you examine each and find the core of what they mean, perhaps you can adjust them to suite? Also being conscious of your own limitations and faults and the reality everyone has them may help you see that acceptance will allow you to be more free than you would be with your rules.

 

I imagine with no experience and issues of your own, you are perhaps putting up false barriers for some unknown reason. To protect yourself maybe? Why are you only attracted to 10s? Your ego? Society says that's whats good? If you can't attract them, you need to examine yourself more closely. Why can't you get them? Is that even what you want?

 

Some of the least socially attractive women I've dated were the best in many other ways. It's turning the prism of your judgment to see things from many perspectives. This comes from experience, which you need. A blind man can only describe something he's never seen so well.

 

Also, I think your own insecurity with sex is why you wouldn't accept a partner who has had many partners. It doesn't matter. You don't want diseases? good luck, girl's with one partner can still get stds. If you are attracted to each other, that's what matters.

 

Learn to quiet your thinking brain. Learn to relax. I guess if your jaw is bad youre a grinder and a worrier? Find coping mechanism to fix that. When you fix yourself, you open yourself up to new perspectives and a clearer mind to approach the world.

 

Good luck as always, NJ!

 

Thanks. But no, I'm absolutely not just exclusively attracted to 10s. That's far from the case. I just think a lot of the posters on here thought that from some of the posts I made but it's just absolutely not true. I'd just want to be with someone I'm personally attracted to, she definitely doesn't have to look like a model or anything.

 

And yeah I tend to overthink & worry about a lot of things. A lot of the time I feel like I can't shut my mind off from worrying/thinking about things.

 

And perhaps that's part of it about the many partners situation. It's mainly in the context of how they had those partners though. If I really truly liked the woman a lot I'd maybe be able to overlook it but it really depends on the context of how they got with a lot of partners.

[SJS]

I don't think that list is completely unrealistic, depending on what age range you're interested in and your location. Sounds like you need a good church-going girl.

[bummer]

 

Never had a FWB - I guess I could maybe be okay with it, but ideally would prefer they didn't have one. I think it's more so if they stay friends with them afterwards is what I'd have a problem with.

 

Only 1 or 2 casual sex partners at most - Could make exceptions but it would be a complete turn off to me if they've had a lot of casual sex.

 

Easy, at your age, 1-2 partners isnt impossible to find: What's your number? According to a survey of adults aged 20 to 59, women have an average of four sex partners during their lifetime; men have an average of seven.

Source: National Center for Health Statistics

 

Welcome to the modern world where cheap/free birth control means women can be independent (thanks Obama). but seriously, most women are not promiscuous.

 

No kids- complete deal breaker

 

Easy. Roughly 50%

FastStats - Unmarried Childbearing

A Record Percentage Of Women Don't Have Kids. Here's Why That Makes Sense. | Huffington Post

 

Doesn't smoke - If they occasionally smoke I'd be okay with it, but I'd ideally prefer a person to not smoke at all.

 

Easy. Only 15-20% of women smoke:

Women and Tobacco Use | American Lung Association

 

 

Never cheated on anyone - complete deal breaker

 

I think this is the majority.

 

Doesn't lie - I mean in the context of the actual relationship. I know the vast majority of people have lied in their life time about something but I mean in terms of lying to their partner about things.

 

Yep, can only find out by dating them since you can't ask at the first date, "so do you lie?" Again, probably a majority.

 

Hardly any male friends/still friends with ex bfs/sexual partners - Still being friends with an ex bf or ex sexual partner is a complete deal breaker. I'd be perfectly fine with her having male friends just as long as there's no attraction on either side. I wouldn't be okay with her being around guy friends that clearly want to get into her pants.

Naive, but ok. I think this is the norm rather than the exception.

 

Not really overweight - Women with curves I'm perfectly fine with where I find a lot of them to be really attractive. If she's really overweight though than there would be no attraction on my side.

 

So average is good enough? Well then most women are average!

 

Doesn't go out partying a lot/drinking a lot - I'm perfectly fine with someone drinking alcohol but not to the extent where they're always getting drunk/drinking a lot. And a woman that's into the partying lifestyle is a deal breaker completely.

 

Easy. Church, social groups, even tinder has people who don't drink heavily. Apparently only about 5% of women abuse alcohol.

 

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/alcohol-facts-and-statistics

[NJ123]

I don't think that list is completely unrealistic, depending on what age range you're interested in and your location. Sounds like you need a good church-going girl.

 

Well I'd ideally like to be with someone that's in the age range of 23-35. But I'd be fine being with a woman that's into her early 40s.

 

And so it sounds like if I keep all those as requirements than the odds are slim to none to you for me to meet someone like that judging by the church statement.

[NJ123]

Easy, at your age, 1-2 partners isnt impossible to find: What's your number? According to a survey of adults aged 20 to 59, women have an average of four sex partners during their lifetime; men have an average of seven.

Source: National Center for Health Statistics

 

Welcome to the modern world where cheap/free birth control means women can be independent (thanks Obama). but seriously, most women are not promiscuous.

 

 

 

Easy. Roughly 50%

FastStats - Unmarried Childbearing

A Record Percentage Of Women Don't Have Kids. Here's Why That Makes Sense. | Huffington Post

 

 

 

Easy. Only 15-20% of women smoke:

Women and Tobacco Use | American Lung Association

 

 

 

 

I think this is the majority.

 

 

 

Yep, can only find out by dating them since you can't ask at the first date, "so do you lie?" Again, probably a majority.

 

 

Naive, but ok. I think this is the norm rather than the exception.

 

 

 

So average is good enough? Well then most women are average!

 

 

 

Easy. Church, social groups, even tinder has people who don't drink heavily. Apparently only about 5% of women abuse alcohol.

 

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/alcohol-facts-and-statistics

 

So it seems like you don't think those are that bad of requirements to have?

[bummer]

Well I'd ideally like to be with someone that's in the age range of 23-35. But I'd be fine being with a woman that's into her early 40s.

 

And so it sounds like if I keep all those as requirements than the odds are slim to none to you for me to meet someone like that judging by the church statement.

 

I think he is stating the exact opposite. It is easy. each of your dealbreakers excludes a minority of the population, leaving the majority. Most of your traits overlap. If you ran a regression on them, it would trend towards church going women. Lucky for you, churchy women are 70% of all women in the USA. They probably keep their legs closed, lips dry, and lungs clear. SO, I would try finding Jesus:

 

Women - Religion in America: U.S. Religious Data, Demographics and Statistics | Pew Research Center

 

If you want to get smart about your dating, you can optimise your profile to attract your "type" of churchy-women like this math man:

https://www.wired.com/2014/01/how-to-hack-okcupid/

[PrettyEmily77]

I think you need to focus on meeting someone you will like and who likes you back. And then rethink your dealbreakers.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I think you need to focus on meeting someone you will like and who likes you back. And then rethink your dealbreakers.

 

So he can be blinded to his dealbreakers with rose colored glasses and then accept what was formerly unacceptable?

 

**** that noise.

[PrettyEmily77]

So he can be blinded to his dealbreakers with rose colored glasses and then accept what was formerly unacceptable?

 

**** that noise.

 

No, so he can get to meet people with an open mind...

[Shining One]

Your requirements don't seem unreasonable to me. I believe as long as what you bring to the table is the same or equivalent to what you're asking for, it's all good. Don't worry about the hateful comments, I get them too for my own requirements.

 

As for turning deal-breakers into non deal-breakers, that may or may not happen with time and experience. For example, I used to not date women with children or women who wanted children. I'm currently in a relationship with a woman who has children. The children aren't mine, so I'm in no way responsible for them (which is why I didn't want children). With her already having children, she has no desire to have more. The end result is I don't have child responsibilities (which is the deal-breaker for me), despite dating a woman with children.

[normal person]

I think he is stating the exact opposite. It is easy. each of your dealbreakers excludes a minority of the population, leaving the majority. Most of your traits overlap. If you ran a regression on them, it would trend towards church going women. Lucky for you, churchy women are 70% of all women in the USA. They probably keep their legs closed, lips dry, and lungs clear. SO, I would try finding Jesus:

 

Women - Religion in America: U.S. Religious Data, Demographics and Statistics | Pew Research Center

 

If you want to get smart about your dating, you can optimise your profile to attract your "type" of churchy-women like this math man:

https://www.wired.com/2014/01/how-to-hack-okcupid/

 

I think you've got the right idea, but in my experience the "churchy" types aren't any more prudent/ethical/etc than the rest of us. Let's not make the assumption that because someone goes to church, they're more likely to do or not do X. I don't think they are, seemingly they just rationalize those things differently.

 

So he can be blinded to his dealbreakers with rose colored glasses and then accept what was formerly unacceptable?

 

**** that noise.

 

If he likes someone in spite of his dealbreakers, clearly they weren't really "dealbreakers" to begin with. Ultimately the guy is just trying to find someone who makes him happy. If he finds someone who makes him happy who just happens to have had a few more casual sex partners than desired, he's not going to say "I love this girl, but UGH, she doesn't conform to this arbitrary criteria that I myself imposed on her. If I only I hadn't made that stupid rule!"

 

Find someone who makes you happy, OP. In the end, within the context of everything else in your life and all other circumstances, you'll see what's really important to you and what's not. I also suggest you do what someone else said. If you think your standards are too high, you need to raise yourself to them as well.

[basil67]

I don't think your dealbreakers are unreasonable.

 

However, do you believe that a person can make mistakes and learn from them? If so, don't be too quick to judge a person on their past.

[GemmaUK]

Why are these deal breakers? What problems have they caused in your past relationships NJ?

 

'What' is one question - 'why' is a totally different question.

So what has been the impact of having relationships with women with these deal breakers? Why did the relationships break down due to these deal breakers?

You must have had relationships with women with one or more/several of your deal breakers to in fact be deal breakers due to them having an impact - otherwise there is no why.

[Gloria25]

I don't think that your list is unreasonable, but this generation has a lot of people who have had more notches on their bedpost by 20 than I do at 40. My 19 yr old neice and I were just talking about how girls her age hook up literally with each guy they just met. So no kiss on the first date is enough...it's bjs or full blown intercourse.

 

Also, lots of people with kids...worse as you age.

 

Like others said, your best bet is to find a church going chick or, maybe someone younger/naive, or a mail order bride (eh, but they do come to America and get to be disobedient eventually).

 

Good luck, cuz I find myself in the same problem as you. If it's not one thing, it's another that disqualifies someone.

[NuevoYorko]

It's not appropriate (IMO) to grill a potential partner on all aspects of their past. Her "number," who her friends are, etc. are not your business when you are getting to know each other - same goes in reverse. If somebody I was starting to date asked me questions like that, I'd be out. Very pre-judging.

 

As people date, they will reveal themselves to each other in their own time. If a woman has much different ideas about sexuality than you do, you will probably find that out as you get to know her. Dating is all about finding out whether you are compatible with another person.

 

Stating things in a positive way, rather than what you find unacceptable, is better; put it out there that you want a virgin, non smoker, with no kids.

[NJ123]

It's not appropriate (IMO) to grill a potential partner on all aspects of their past. Her "number," who her friends are, etc. are not your business when you are getting to know each other - same goes in reverse. If somebody I was starting to date asked me questions like that, I'd be out. Very pre-judging.

 

As people date, they will reveal themselves to each other in their own time. If a woman has much different ideas about sexuality than you do, you will probably find that out as you get to know her. Dating is all about finding out whether you are compatible with another person.

 

Stating things in a positive way, rather than what you find unacceptable, is better; put it out there that you want a virgin, non smoker, with no kids.

 

I don't care if she's not a virgin. I'd just prefer as I said for her to not have had a lot of sexual partners. And with smoking it all depends how often she does it if she does smoke. If it's just occasionally that she needs to smoke than I wouldn't care, but I wouldn't date someone that smokes every single day. And her having kids is a complete deal breaker no matter what.

[Cinnamonstix]

I would meet all of your requirements, so people like that do exist. I think your requirements are reasonable if you meet them yourself. If you practice what you are looking for, you should be able to recognize like-minded individuals.

 

As another poster mentioned, I would not want to be grilled on the specifics of my sexual history, even though it is pretty tame. I hope that is not something you engage in.

[Weezy1973]

Your dealbreakers are not unreasonable at all. Essentially you want someone that shares your values. In fact, finding someone with similar values will give you a much greater chance at relationship success than not.

 

And you should never bend on your values.