kckc Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I personally think that he does not love her, even if he claims he does. How can you say that you love when you hurt that person? If he truly loved her, he would never ever think of being with another woman (even though it's for the sex only). More, he never loved his wife in the first place. What's your opinion? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 It's complicated. I don't think "if/then" statements are much use describing human emotions. Because you could say "if" he really didn't love his wife, "then" he would leave her. Why does he stay the majority of the time? Probably because the relationship is based in love. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I think it's more about lack of respect than love 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I don't think he thought he was being unloving or disrespectful to me (but, boy, was he). Love is an action. And I think a married man putting his needs in front of those of the family, lying every day, risking stds and being abusive to the mother of his children is not loving anyone but himself. But like everything else he was doing, he convinced himself of whatever he needed to believe and had blinders on to the rest. If I was a wreck and puking every day, he could just shrug and say 'she crazy' and carry on. It's destructive and immature. He says he's never not loved me, but just saying the words didn't/doesn't cut it. I think it's a way to minimize the affair - well, I'm not leaving my wife, i don't love the ow, I bought my wife flowers and told her I love her, so I'm not actually doing anything THAT bad. I mean, if I fell in love with the ow, that would be bad, so I'm good! It's cheater-speak. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Millions of both male and female cheaters the whole world over will disagree with you. Not all affairs are created equal. Male cheating is often about just wanting some extra fun and excitement on the side. It's about having their cake and eating it too. Female affairs have historically been more about seeking to fill an emotional void, but they are quickly catching up to men in terms of cake eating as well. I would guess most cheaters do love their spouse and don't want to divorce or break up the home. Otherwise you would have millions of people leaving their spouse for their AP but you really don't see that happen anywhere near as often as you see people scoring some outside poontang,but then begging and pleading to stay in the marriage once busted. I have personally known a number of men and women both who were in unhappy and dysfunctional relationship and who had truly fallen out of love with their spouses. Then one day they met someone and sparks flew and one day there was a declaration of mutual feelings and the affairs began. Within weeks and I even personally know a couple that over the course of one weekend, fell in love and both of them left their spouses for each other the following week. My points is, when someone is truly no longer in love with their spouse and they find someone that they click with better (or at least thinks they do) they often pack up and leave in a very short period of time. Sometimes literally days (I personally know two different people that left their spouse within days of getting with their AP) When you hear of these affairs that go on for a year or more, or hear about these serial cheaters that have been hooking up with multiple people over the course of years or even the whole duration of the marriage - those are cake eaters that the stability of a spouse in the home and don't want the expense or drama of a divorce. They simply want to have the nice home life and tear off some extra poontang on the side. That probably makes up the vast majority of garden variety cheaters of both men and women. The people that are truly out of love and truly unhappy with their spouse, leave once they find a better replacement and that often takes place in a matter of weeks or a few months. Anyone involved in an ongoing affair with one person for more than several months, and/or the people that hook up with multiple people over time are cake eaters that do want to remain in the marriage with their spouse... they just want more poon. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I personally think that he does not love her, even if he claims he does. IDK, can't read minds and everyone thinks and feels differently. How can you say that you love when you hurt that person? One question to ask is have I ever hurt someone I loved and did that hurt define the totality of that love or negate it and why? IME, after nearly six decades on this rock, I've experienced plenty of people who purposely or incidentally hurt people they purport to love and their lives, and love, continue and, yup, often are interrupted by hurt. Why? Again, that human thing. We define hurt differently and personally and each have our own perception of what love is. If he truly loved her, he would never ever think of being with another woman (even though it's for the sex only). More, he never loved his wife in the first place. His (or her, in the case of MW's) perception of love, devotion, loyalty, etc, etc. can be completely different from yours or mine. What's your opinion? I think it's best to define personal boundaries for one's own life and relationships and leave others business to others. Big world, billions of people, all different. Short life. Good luck! 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I personally think that he does not love her, even if he claims he does. How can you say that you love when you hurt that person? If he truly loved her, he would never ever think of being with another woman (even though it's for the sex only). More, he never loved his wife in the first place. What's your opinion? I think more than love her they love what she represents. Security, stability, nice house etc. They may care about her, but not love in the meaning that you are talking about. I think if you truly love someone you would not do things behind their back knowing that it would hurt them if they found out. It would of course be different if he and the wife agreed on an open relationship and were clearly open about seeing other people. But in the situtation here I think the person is just selfish and loves himself more, plus with the false sense of omnipotence that 'he will never get caught' so it doesn't matter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 It depends. I think some people are very good at compartmentalising, so all aspects of their lives end up in separate boxes. Love for their spouse - maybe, maybe not Love for the AP - maybe, maybe not. Family Work Sport Hobbies The kids. The House Status in the community etc. etc. Boxes he tries to keep separate. No-one would suggest that just because a man goes to the game every Saturday, he doesn't love his wife, but going to see the OW may be just another box, he opens and closes in the same way as going to the game. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I struggled with this one, too, KC. My xMM told me that he was "in love with two women" with a shrug of the shoulders. He maintained that his marriage and home life were "great," and that he was in love with me in a way that he had never experienced before. The relationship was not all about sex, though we did have sex, of course. It seemed more like he loved the intimacy and the opportunity to exercise a part of himself that had been suppressed during marriage. To me, it boiled down to two things: 1) He loves his wife, family, lifestyle, house, assets, and reputation in the community. No amount of "love" that he might feel for me would ever motivate him to lose those things to be with me. Some people will move mountains for love. MM....not so much. They love the love, but they love their stable, secure family life more. 2) He said he loves his wife, so I can't judge whether he does or not. What I can judge, though, is whether that kind of love is the sort of love that I would want. And the answer is a resounding no. He may "love" her, but he also lies to her, manipulates her, gaslights her, disrespects her through these actions, and robs her of her love story. If that's his brand of love, then I'll pass. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
starswewillnavigate Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 It really depends on the situation and the people involved. The situation with my xMM, it was just about fun and excitement on the side for him. I get the feeling he loves his wife very much and is happy with her but has an overriding need for something else. We're still in touch but I don't even know if he likes me or not or if I've just been a huge ego boost because I'm always there for him. My previous relationship (slightly different as I didn't know he was a MM), he was very much in love with me but because felt very loyal to his wife and didn't want her to lose face, would never leave her. So he was caught unable to make a decision and has lost both families. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Cheaters don't know the real meaning of love. Their desire for a person does not equal love. Like you have noted, a real deep love that isn't just centered around sex but around truly caring about the other person and their happiness would prevent you from hurting that person because if you really love someone, even if it's just a friend, the last thing you want to do is hurt them. Instead, you want to protect them and make them happy. Not everyone can love to that extent. They are more in love with sex than they are with the person. They may feel a profound need to possess the person and not want anyone else to have them, but their willingness to risk destroying that person shows they really don't have the capacity to really care as much about another person as they do themselves. Does he love her? No, and he doesn't have the capacity to love anyone else either. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I've said it here a million times men in federal doesn't change how he views his wife because he is having an affair. Most don't think of it as hurting her more of a i won't get caught so what she doesn't know. Many men, when the conversation comes up will admit that if they thought the wife would never find out would cheat. Wired differently, I'm guessing that due to the nature of this site (being that OW/MOW) tend to throw it all away and put 100% of themselves into these affair it's hard to think or believe that MM isn't doing the same.....yet most of the time that is the case. The goal for most men is we , while the women have sex to reach their goal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I think many - probably most - men who cheat love their wives. They may not be getting their needs met, though, even if they've asked. You could also ask, if their wives "really" love them, why aren't they striving to meet their husband's needs? The answers are seldom simple or binary. Many are never found out. Most of those who are, don't leave unless kicked out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I agree with oldshirt. In all the cases I know of, where the WS left the BS for the AP, (without being kicked out) it was done within a couple of months of meeting. There was no faffing about, they told the BS, packed their bags and went. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 People who love each other hurt each other all the time, sometimes intentionally, often times not. Sometimes it's a big hurt and sometimes it's death by small cuts, and often it can be overcome. Hurting someone or not thinking of them first doesn't mean you don't love them - it means you're selfish and often that you can't conceptualize the pain you are causing them. Even though it's been nearly two years since xH and I broke up, and nearly 4 years since my affair, part of me still loves the man I spent a third of my life with. It doesn't just go away, even when you move on. Loving him didn't stop me from falling in love with my boyfriend now, and it also doesn't stop me from feeling pain regarding my ex. Saying that having an affair means s/he doesn't love you is the BS justifying the affair and oversimplifying and rewriting in a very similar way as a WS minimizing their affair and making excuses once it's over. Sure, it is true in some cases, but probably not in the majority. It's part of what makes the affair and its aftermath so messy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I think more than love her they love what she represents. Security, stability, nice house etc. They may care about her, but not love in the meaning that you are talking about. I think if you truly love someone you would not do things behind their back knowing that it would hurt them if they found out. It would of course be different if he and the wife agreed on an open relationship and were clearly open about seeing other people. But in the situtation here I think the person is just selfish and loves himself more, plus with the false sense of omnipotence that 'he will never get caught' so it doesn't matter. I can't say that I disagree with you. I don't think he (or she, as plenty of women cheat too) really is acting in a loving way towards either the ow/om or the bs when they are cheating. Whether they actually love them or not, I don't know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I struggled with this one, too, KC. My xMM told me that he was "in love with two women" with a shrug of the shoulders. He maintained that his marriage and home life were "great," and that he was in love with me in a way that he had never experienced before. The relationship was not all about sex, though we did have sex, of course. It seemed more like he loved the intimacy and the opportunity to exercise a part of himself that had been suppressed during marriage. To me, it boiled down to two things: 1) He loves his wife, family, lifestyle, house, assets, and reputation in the community. No amount of "love" that he might feel for me would ever motivate him to lose those things to be with me. Some people will move mountains for love. MM....not so much. They love the love, but they love their stable, secure family life more. 2) He said he loves his wife, so I can't judge whether he does or not. What I can judge, though, is whether that kind of love is the sort of love that I would want. And the answer is a resounding no. He may "love" her, but he also lies to her, manipulates her, gaslights her, disrespects her through these actions, and robs her of her love story. If that's his brand of love, then I'll pass. He was also doing that with you, which is really unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I think if it was a ONS, I could accept that he loved his wife, but just gave into temptation for whatever reason and totally regretted it. But going back again after having time to process the betrayal .... or those with affairs spanning months and years. ... No ... I wouldn't feel loved if my husband did that. And if he insisted he did love me after doing that .... then I'd be getting a divorce sharpish ....because that's not the kind of love I want. I do wonder though. Where the MM tells the OW he loves his wife .... doesn't she think ... if he cheats on his wife who he loves ..... what am I doing with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Osmium13 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 You're assuming that "love" is something that can be defined and is the same for everyone. It isn't. I think it's a combination of how we define our own version of "love", plus the individuals involved own standards and morals - and then the infinitely unquantifiable circumstances around each and every affair situation. Put simply, the OP's question probably can't be answered in definitive way that covers any more than one particular affair. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 You don't love somebody if you betray and lie to them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Honestly I doubt he cares about either his wife or his mistress. He only cares about himself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 (edited) I think if people cheat and stay married it's because they're in love with their comfort zone, not their spouse. Not to say that the spouse doesn't fulfill something ... it's a cold, lonely world out there and people don't want to risk giving up a sure thing for something new, so they'll cheat for excitement but won't leave the spouse... Furthermore, I think a lot of men, especially, will risk a fling precisely because they're actually pretty secure in their marriage and is pretty sure he has a devoted enough wife whom he could manipulate into taking him back if she found out.... but it's all based in selfishness and selfishness is not love. Then again, maybe love doesn't even exist. Everyone is selfish. Even the most supposedly most selfless love there is which is the love a mother has for a child, IS selfish. You had the kid for yourself, to fulfill still more of your own needs not because you're doing any kid a favor by bringing them into this hell hole... oh no. get real with yourselves. Edited October 3, 2016 by Fair 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I think Fair nails it here; I think if people cheat and stay married it's because they're in love with their comfort zone, not their spouse. My exH swore that he loved his AP on DD but used every delaying tactic he could to stall the divorce and the house sale. Logic ?? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 What's your opinion? I'll turn around the line cheaters often use - I'm sure they love their wives, they're just not "in love" with their wives ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I'll turn around the line cheaters often use - I'm sure they love their wives, they're just not "in love" with their wives ... My exH had a variation - "I don't love you but I still care about you" Whaaaat ?! Link to post Share on other sites
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