ilovemusic3 Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 (edited) So, the Jewish New Year is Sun and my older cousin is having a big dinner at her house. She and her husband have it every year. My family (parents, sister and I) are the only people not invited out of our large family. They claim we're not invited because we never reciprocate. However, we just don't want to host any dinners or have any parties, if we did we wouldn't exclude them. Nobody else in the family has any dinners or parties either. I mean my mom is insulted because it's her side and she's the only blood cousin not invited. This has been going on for years, but recently they started to invite these other cousins, so now we really are the only family excluded. We have never had any arguments with these cousins everyone gets along fine when we do see each other. I just feel it's wrong. If you have a holiday dinner with over 50 people, what's 4 more people? Who's right? Is this what people are doing, am I in wrong? What do you all think? Edited October 1, 2016 by ilovemusic3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 You never host any dinner is a poor excuse. There is a lot of time and money in preparing holiday dinners and after years of always being the only one doing the task they are getting fed up. It's understandable. Have you ever offer to help with the cooking? Ever offered to share the cost of those dinners? One of my brothers has a huge house and that is why it's pretty much always them hosting holiday dinners. The rest of the family helps though! Our mom and I as well will cook and bake ahead of time and bring dishes to them. We also bring wine and alcohol enough for everyone. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 i don't think you're wrong for being hurt. I would be too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 As Gaeta said: Not reciprocating in any manor eventually causes bad feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 You never host any dinner is a poor excuse. There is a lot of time and money in preparing holiday dinners and after years of always being the only one doing the task they are getting fed up. It's understandable. Have you ever offer to help with the cooking? Ever offered to share the cost of those dinners? One of my brothers has a huge house and that is why it's pretty much always them hosting holiday dinners. The rest of the family helps though! Our mom and I as well will cook and bake ahead of time and bring dishes to them. We also bring wine and alcohol enough for everyone. Very well ^^ Gaeta!!! Look, did they just drop this on you guys without a discussion? I mean, if they are the only ones who decided that they wanna do this, who are they to be upset that other people don't wanna do it? Hosting, geesh, takes time, energy and money. Also, why would they "assume" that ok, if they did it this year, then next year someone else is supposed to pick it up without a clear discussion/understanding? Normally, I'd say, to heck with them - but since this is family and what they're doing is causing a big rift in the family bonding, I seriously recommend your mom (the "Matriarch" and female lead of the family of course...) call a meeting and everyone have a frank discussion about expectations. Maybe if they have the home big enough to host, cousins, your mom/sister and/or you can agree to help pay for hired help, food, etc. - you know, to meet them half way. I mean, cuz it's not fair for them to take on this task, then turn around upset that no one else wants to do it. No one twisted their hand to host parties. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 As Gaeta said: Not reciprocating in any manor eventually causes bad feelings. Agreed... When people invite me over, I bring something - beer, beverages, food. I also help with set-up, clean-up, and/or just serving people. But that's me... But, I'm a terrible hostess. When people try to help me, I'm like "noooo, I got it". Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 It's the hosts' prerogative to invite whom they choose and I can't blame them if they've decided not to invite people who never reciprocate and have a sense of entitlement. If you want to have a big holiday dinner with extended family and a guaranteed invitation, then have it at your house. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 The thing is nobody else in the family reciprocates and they're all invited, it's not just us who don't have a holiday party, these cousins are the only people who do. Why are all these other cousin's invited when they never host anything either? We have never been invited to this holiday dinner, but of course if we were we would bring something and offer to help. They decided tok have this dinner and they are excluding one family member and her family. Nobody else in the family has anything. If others were hosting parties and we were the only ones who weren't I would understand, but nobody else does, that's why it is rude. They never told us why we weren't invited, heard through family this was the reason. Appreciate everyone's opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 You never host any dinner is a poor excuse. There is a lot of time and money in preparing holiday dinners and after years of always being the only one doing the task they are getting fed up. It's understandable. Have you ever offer to help with the cooking? Ever offered to share the cost of those dinners? One of my brothers has a huge house and that is why it's pretty much always them hosting holiday dinners. The rest of the family helps though! Our mom and I as well will cook and bake ahead of time and bring dishes to them. We also bring wine and alcohol enough for everyone. Nobody else in the family hosts anything. It's not like we're the only people who don't host. All these other cousin's are invited and they don't have any parties. We would help out if we were invited. Just excluding one family member and her family isn't right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 Very well ^^ Gaeta!!! Look, did they just drop this on you guys without a discussion? I mean, if they are the only ones who decided that they wanna do this, who are they to be upset that other people don't wanna do it? Hosting, geesh, takes time, energy and money. Also, why would they "assume" that ok, if they did it this year, then next year someone else is supposed to pick it up without a clear discussion/understanding? Normally, I'd say, to heck with them - but since this is family and what they're doing is causing a big rift in the family bonding, I seriously recommend your mom (the "Matriarch" and female lead of the family of course...) call a meeting and everyone have a frank discussion about expectations. Maybe if they have the home big enough to host, cousins, your mom/sister and/or you can agree to help pay for hired help, food, etc. - you know, to meet them half way. I mean, cuz it's not fair for them to take on this task, then turn around upset that no one else wants to do it. No one twisted their hand to host parties. They have never discussed this with us before, just never said anything about why we don't get invited. I heard through family it's because we don't reciprocate, however nobody in the family does and they're still invited. My mom is too annoyed and thinks it's too ridiculous to bring it up to them. We're literally the only family not invited. People they invite never host anything either, that's why it's strange to just exclude us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 Agreed... When people invite me over, I bring something - beer, beverages, food. I also help with set-up, clean-up, and/or just serving people. But that's me... But, I'm a terrible hostess. When people try to help me, I'm like "noooo, I got it". Who says we wouldn't bring anything or help out? Once this other family member years ago had a holiday party and my mom offered to do the dishes, these cousin's who don't invite us saw and looked at my mom like she was nuts for helping. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 It's the hosts' prerogative to invite whom they choose and I can't blame them if they've decided not to invite people who never reciprocate and have a sense of entitlement. If you want to have a big holiday dinner with extended family and a guaranteed invitation, then have it at your house. No, they haven't decided to not invite people who don't reciprocate, just us. Nobody in the family reciprocates and they're all invited. We're the only people excluded. These cousin's are the only people in family that host anything. They invite the entire family 50+ people except us. Link to post Share on other sites
Nowty V Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 I believe there could be more going on here than your Mum is prepared to discuss, obviously something from way back when. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Nobody else in the family hosts anything. It's not like we're the only people who don't host. All these other cousin's are invited and they don't have any parties. We would help out if we were invited. Just excluding one family member and her family isn't right. then, later on, invite them out for dinner, let them pick the place and you pay their way. after a few "beverages" bring up how much you enjoy their company and how you would like to have everyone at the table over to your house. suck it up and be the host next time. cuz, i suspect they think you're cheap, you stay to long, drink to much or talk too loud. someone's got a beef and it ain't wellington. maybe you're too religious or not religious enough. take them out and find out since it means so much to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 I believe there could be more going on here than your Mum is prepared to discuss, obviously something from way back when. I understand why you think this, but my mom has never done anything. There just extended cousins who we see once in a blue moon. It's just every year they have this holiday dinner and exclude us for no reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 then, later on, invite them out for dinner, let them pick the place and you pay their way. after a few "beverages" bring up how much you enjoy their company and how you would like to have everyone at the table over to your house. suck it up and be the host next time. cuz, i suspect they think you're cheap, you stay to long, drink to much or talk too loud. someone's got a beef and it ain't wellington. maybe you're too religious or not religious enough. take them out and find out since it means so much to you. We're not going to host a party and invite them after years and years of never being invited to their house. Again nobody else in the family hosts anything and gets invited, so why would we host a party? Why would we go out to dinner with them all of a sudden, they're just extended cousins who have the rest of the family over every year for a holiday dinner except us. We're not friends and don't really care about spending time with them, it's just they're having a family holiday dinner and excluding one family member and her family for a reason that makes no sense. We've never been invited to the holiday dinner, so how do they know what kind of guests we'll be? They're just rude and catty. You don't exclude 4 people for a dumb reason. The entire family is there, but us. It's insulting and ridiculous, nobody else reciprocates, so it makes no sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Nobody else in the family hosts anything. It's not like we're the only people who don't host. All these other cousin's are invited and they don't have any parties. We would help out if we were invited. Just excluding one family member and her family isn't right. Maybe your mom is her parents favorite or they feel resentment towards her for some other reason. It's a shame when all family members aren't nice to one another. Are your grandparents okay with you all being excluded? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 How do you know that the others who are invited never host anything or never meet up for lunch or reciprocate in any way? I don't understand how you would possibly know this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 If they are "just extended cousins who you see once in a blue moon", why do you care? Close family would make sense for being upset, but it sounds like you aren't particularly close to them anyway. I also want to know how you know how often the rest of the family meets. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Your arguments are: "Everyone else freeloads (as far as we know), so why can't we?" "They're just distant cousins whom we care next to nothing about and have no reason to invite to our house, so why don't they invite us to theirs?" Those arguments don't add up to a compelling reason to invite anyone over. As to why others can omit reciprocation, there are 101 possible reasons. There are many ways to reciprocate or make a r/s be mutual, not just invitations. The others might bring delicious food, help with dishes, be a great conversationalist, play with kids and keep them out of everyone's hair, comment knowledgeably on the football game, lavish compliments on the host, provide willing asses to pinch, or maybe even just provide entertainment by telling dirty stories, getting drunk and falling down. Since you don't attend, you don't know. We could help you try to have a better r/s with these people and thus improve the chance of invitations, but just be aware step #1 would be to invite them over yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 It's just every year they have this holiday dinner and exclude us for no reason. There *is* a reason. You just don't know what their reason is and don't seem to want to jump through some necessary hoops to determine the core issue at hand. That is fine, but you need to then grow a thicker skin and let it roll off your back if you don't want to take the steps to investigate and repair whatever lies underneath the surface. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Sounds like there is family dynamics going on here. The new cousins they began inviting probably put a bug up their butt concerning your family. Look, I wouldn't loose any sleep over it - they made their decision to shaft you and that is that. You can't change what someone else does. But, if I got invited next year, I wouldn't go. They are probably going to get some flack from others about why you are not there so next year they will invite you - but it will be done as a 'mercy invite', the way rich people feel sorry for beggars... this is actually a sad thing. It is how multi generational family feuds begin. But what can you do about it? Nothing ... Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I understand why you think this, but my mom has never done anything. There just extended cousins who we see once in a blue moon. It's just every year they have this holiday dinner and exclude us for no reason. there is a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted October 4, 2016 Author Share Posted October 4, 2016 Maybe your mom is her parents favorite or they feel resentment towards her for some other reason. It's a shame when all family members aren't nice to one another. Are your grandparents okay with you all being excluded? They don't seem to resent my mom. My grandparents passed away. Again these are cousins we see once in a while, but they have a family holiday dinner and we shouldn't be excluded. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 They don't seem to resent my mom. My grandparents passed away. Again these are cousins we see once in a while, but they have a family holiday dinner and we shouldn't be excluded. Why don't you just ask the cousins yourself why your family is excluded rather than going on what other family members are saying. If they don't mean a lot to you, it shouldn't be too hard to confront and ask. Link to post Share on other sites
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