ZayKayWill Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 A friend of mine asked this question on Facebook. Not gonna lie I did not like what I read. Not everyone, but a good portion of the people who responded said that they wouldn't be ok with it? Really? It'd be one thing if the past lover was shady and was trying to put the moves on, but if they're genuine it shouldn't be a problem. Guess I just didn't realize how insecure people can be. Am I the only one who doesn't have a problem otherwise? My ex girlfriend was like that, too. I had bought one of my past exes a gift for her birthday and that was enough for her to break up with me. It was a pretty generous gift Ill admit but shouldn't have caused a break up. Yet she was 'best friends' with her ex of 3 years, but somehow Im the bad guy. Idk. That's just me. Not trying to go on too big a rant here, but yeah. I don't see why people have a problem with that. You guys seem to be a pretty awesome community so I guess I wanted to hear what you guys had to say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Question is how do you distinguish a genuine person from someone being shady? Where is that line? And you can't be with them all the time, so how would you know about their ex's behavior? I would definitely have an issue with it. Going out one on one for dinner and a movie is a date, ESPECIALLY if it was a past lover. There's no insecurity in it, it's just common sense in my opinion. Keeping former lovers around is asking for trouble. One drunken kiss, or night out and now he/she is confused, etc. It could very well happen with someone new, but in this case you already know they had a previously intimate relationship and it could go there quickly. I wouldn't give an ex a plastic bag to puke in, much less an expensive b-day gift. Your ex was a hypocrite, but she should have been offended with you buying an ex a gift. I mean really. How would you feel if an ex boyfriend of hers bought her a ring and she wore it all the time around you? It would be a slap in the face. A lot of people let too many influences into their relationships. You can't focus on one person by entertaining your exes. And it isn't fair to that person to have to essentially compete with your past. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted September 21, 2016 Author Share Posted September 21, 2016 (edited) Honestly I don't think something like that would bother me. That's no different than say a guy buying her a dress that she wore every now and then. If she were to wear the ring instead of another ring I gave her say, then yeah I probably would have a problem. Buying gifts for friends doesn't raise any red flags for me personally though. I mean c'mon. Just because we had a past automatically that means I can't have the freedom to do something generous for someone I still care about (on a non intimate level)? I had given another one of my 'girl' friends who was just a friend a laptop for Xmas because she couldnt afford one (this was before we were dating). Would that have been any different? I know for a fact that I can find a woman who wouldn't have reacted that way. So that's where I come from I guess. Idk. And how is it competing? If the intentions of the person are genuine there is no competing. Maybe in their reality, but not reality itself. And with all due respect I don't see how it's not insecurity. To you it's 'common sense' that if 2 past lovers go on a date then feelings are gonna get involved? Maybe that's common sense to you, but not to everybody. Without getting to philosophical there really is no 'common sense'. Different people from so many different backgrounds and cultures. I feel that saying that something is 'common sense' is just a cop out (not saying that's you, just in general). Edited September 21, 2016 by ZayKayWill Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 (edited) I don't do friendships with ex's and wouldn't date someone who was friends with an ex. It's not about insecurity. It's that I see no reason to keep an ex around after the relationship has run it's course. To me, keeping an ex around means unfinished business between the ex's and a new partner would be foolish to get involved with someone not entirely done with a previous partner. Edited September 21, 2016 by MJJean 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted September 21, 2016 Author Share Posted September 21, 2016 I don't do friendships with ex's and wouldn't date someone who was friends with an ex. It's not about insecurity. It's that I see no reason to keep an ex around after the relationship has run it's course. To me, keeping an ex around means unfinished business between the ex's and a new partner would be foolish to get involved with someone not entirely done with a previous partner. Even if they're just friends? I couldn't see myself going back to my ex ex. We're just completely different people now. I was good friends with her bf too and all was goodm. *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Even if they're just friends? I couldn't see myself going back to my ex ex. We're just completely different people now. I was good friends with her bf too and all was goodm. *shrug* When two people decide to date, they aren't and can never again be "just friends". Once people have crossed the physical intimacy barrier, it cannot be uncrossed. Can't unring a bell. BTW, I have known more than one couple that remained friends and then got back together precisely because they were "completely different people" than when they were originally involved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 This one is actually much simpler than you think. Your partner refers to that person as "my friend" and never as "my ex". You see when you are true friends with an ex the fact that they are an ex becomes so irreverent that its not something that crosses your mind and you have to actively think about it... So if you know the guy is an ex - your partner probably has issues with the ending of that relationship. If I see a person as "my ex" they are not on my facebook or on my Christmas Card list... If I see a person as my friend then they are that and it is that simple... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 I wouldn't want my H's xW around (virtually or IRL) not because she's his xW, but because she's a toxic person. Any other xs I'm perfectly OK with. I'm not insecure in the R and it really doesn't bother me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 No. She has a couple, I have several. There's never been a problem with boundaries, etc. Some people do have problems, and sometimes, people will cheat with an ex from long ago. There are never any guarantees, but we'd rather keep valuable friendships and take a small risk. Besides, if you're inclined to cheat, it will happen anyway, with someone, even if you restrict friendships with anyone of the opposite sex. Better to find out and divorce/break up than always have to wonder, or blindly assume your restrictions are working. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Good luck to those who choose this path. It has never ended well and never will. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted September 21, 2016 Author Share Posted September 21, 2016 No. She has a couple, I have several. There's never been a problem with boundaries, etc. Some people do have problems, and sometimes, people will cheat with an ex from long ago. There are never any guarantees, but we'd rather keep valuable friendships and take a small risk. Besides, if you're inclined to cheat, it will happen anyway, with someone, even if you restrict friendships with anyone of the opposite sex. Better to find out and divorce/break up than always have to wonder, or blindly assume your restrictions are working. Man I wish I could like this more than once. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted September 21, 2016 Author Share Posted September 21, 2016 Good luck to those who choose this path. It has never ended well and never will. Maybe in your world. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Maybe in your world. Yeah and some more ! Be careful what you wish for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 When two people decide to date, they aren't and can never again be "just friends". Once people have crossed the physical intimacy barrier, it cannot be uncrossed. Can't unring a bell. . I have been working for my ex for 13 years. I would not have sex again with him even if we were both abandonned on a deserted island. Not only people with good intentions can be friends after a relationship but they can even continue doing business together. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 When two people decide to date, they aren't and can never again be "just friends". Once people have crossed the physical intimacy barrier, it cannot be uncrossed. Can't unring a bell. You can't undo the fact that you've had sex, but you can certainly be "just friends" again. I've done that with a handful of exes. There is no leftover sexual tension, but we may be better platonic friends because of the shared experience that gave us more insight into each other. And while that insight is great for our friendship, it also makes clear that we're totally unsuited romantically. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 I have been working for my ex for 13 years. I would not have sex again with him even if we were both abandonned on a deserted island. Not only people with good intentions can be friends after a relationship but they can even continue doing business together. You can't undo the fact that you've had sex, but you can certainly be "just friends" again. I've done that with a handful of exes. There is no leftover sexual tension, but we may be better platonic friends because of the shared experience that gave us more insight into each other. And while that insight is great for our friendship, it also makes clear that we're totally unsuited romantically. It just doesn't work for me. Personally, I have no desire to have an ex hanging around. When I'm done, I'm done. Like catch and release fishing, go forth and good luck. Practically, I have observed in rl and on many forums people cheating at a higher rate with ex's than with new sexual partners. It's easier. The physical intimacy barrier has already been crossed and emotional groundwork already laid. Not to mention time and distance tend to make us idealize a former relationship here and there. I've only had one ex I kept in touch with and that was only because he was a friend of my parents long before we dated and remained a friend of theirs long after we ended the relationship. We would politely chat for a minute at family functions once every few years or so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Being friends with ex lovers has many relationship pitfalls other than just the potential for cheating. If it makes your partner insecure, that's a problem in itself, even if cheating never occurs. Basic rule for me is that all my important emotional and relationship needs are met by my partner. Any opposite sex friendships I have, are friends of both me and my partner. If my partner feels insecure about any of my female friends, and after talking about it she still feels insecure, I drop the friend. My partner always comes first. If I need more friends, they will be other men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 Being friends with ex lovers has many relationship pitfalls other than just the potential for cheating. If it makes your partner insecure, that's a problem in itself, even if cheating never occurs. Basic rule for me is that all my important emotional and relationship needs are met by my partner. Any opposite sex friendships I have, are friends of both me and my partner. If my partner feels insecure about any of my female friends, and after talking about it she still feels insecure, I drop the friend. My partner always comes first. If I need more friends, they will be other men. I wouldn't wanna be with someone like that personally. Sounds immature and insecure. I can find a woman whoisn't like that. Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Honestly I don't think something like that would bother me. That's no different than say a guy buying her a dress that she wore every now and then. If she were to wear the ring instead of another ring I gave her say, then yeah I probably would have a problem. Buying gifts for friends doesn't raise any red flags for me personally though. I mean c'mon. Just because we had a past automatically that means I can't have the freedom to do something generous for someone I still care about (on a non intimate level)? I had given another one of my 'girl' friends who was just a friend a laptop for Xmas because she couldnt afford one (this was before we were dating). Would that have been any different? I know for a fact that I can find a woman who wouldn't have reacted that way. So that's where I come from I guess. Idk. And how is it competing? If the intentions of the person are genuine there is no competing. Maybe in their reality, but not reality itself. And with all due respect I don't see how it's not insecurity. To you it's 'common sense' that if 2 past lovers go on a date then feelings are gonna get involved? Maybe that's common sense to you, but not to everybody. Without getting to philosophical there really is no 'common sense'. Different people from so many different backgrounds and cultures. I feel that saying that something is 'common sense' is just a cop out (not saying that's you, just in general). How is it competing? If she is in a new relationship and you're buying her laptops, etc. any boyfriend with half a brain would say to himself, "your ex/friend just bought you an $800-$2000 computer?" And NOT be cool with that. That for me would be overstepping a boundary. If she has parents, a boyfriend, aunts, uncles let them buy it for her. If it was a card and a gift card, OK. But buying them clothes, computers, purses when they are in a relationship spells intrusion to me. And the common sense comes in the fact that when you hear "we're just friends", "I don't see him/her like that anymore" and they are giving expensive gifts you're bound for trouble. I've never heard we're just friends end up just being friends. It's essentially keeping yourself in orbit until she gets tired of the new guy or he messes up and you're the white Knight there to dry her tears...in bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 How is it competing? If she is in a new relationship and you're buying her laptops, etc. any boyfriend with half a brain would say to himself, "your ex/friend just bought you an $800-$2000 computer?" And NOT be cool with that. That for me would be overstepping a boundary. If she has parents, a boyfriend, aunts, uncles let them buy it for her. If it was a card and a gift card, OK. But buying them clothes, computers, purses when they are in a relationship spells intrusion to me. And the common sense comes in the fact that when you hear "we're just friends", "I don't see him/her like that anymore" and they are giving expensive gifts you're bound for trouble. I've never heard we're just friends end up just being friends. It's essentially keeping yourself in orbit until she gets tired of the new guy or he messes up and you're the white Knight there to dry her tears...in bed. I had an extra laptop and didn't need it. Felt she could have used it more than me. Her bf didn't care. And the white knight thing isn't always true. Me and my ex have been single multiple times at the same time. Didn't motivate us to get back together at all. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 (edited) I say to each their own....That being said.... As a guy, I've never found a need for a female buddy or contact...Just never made any sense...Most women are bored to tears over the stuff that I am into, so what really would we have in common?? They have tried, and i have had some experiences, but it usually wound up being some one sided situation where I was asked for money, fix/build something, to help move something heavy, etc...No thanks..And if I need a woman's perspective on something Ill ask a female family member or pay a therapist...If it works for some though, , great!..... As for whether or not one should maintain a relationship with an ex, well, I dunno...>I'd think even if I was the type that kept a past contact, I'd think that for the respect of the "new" partner, it would be better to sever that friendship/contact...I'd see it as simple as prioritizing someone's feelings...Who is higher on the food chain, the new love.....or the ex?? By eliminating the contact(doesn't have to be hostile or anything), you are showing where your allegiance stands and remove any possible doubt or insecurity of the new partner...I'm quite sure they'd get over it... It's human nature for someone to get unnerved by this...Why test that?? .02 TFY Edited September 22, 2016 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 I say to each their own....That being said.... As a guy, I've never found a need for a female buddy or contact...Just never made any sense...Most women are bored to tears over the stuff that I am into, so what really would we have in common?? They have tried, and i have had some experiences, but it usually wound up being some one sided situation where I was asked for money, fix/build something, to help move something heavy, etc...No thanks..And if I need a woman's perspective on something Ill ask a female family member or pay a therapist...If it works for some though, , great!..... As for whether or not one should maintain a relationship with an ex, well, I dunno...>I'd think even if I was the type that kept a past contact, I'd think that for the respect of the "new" partner, it would be better to sever that friendship/contact...I'd see it as simple as prioritizing someone's feelings...Who is higher on the food chain, the new love.....or the ex?? By eliminating the contact(doesn't have to be hostile or anything), you are showing where your allegiance stands and remove any possible doubt or insecurity of the new partner...I'm quite sure they'd get over it... It's human nature for someone to get unnerved by this...Why test that?? .02 TFY Just because its 'human nature' doesn't mean it has to be that way. 2 wrongs don't make a right. Link to post Share on other sites
Otter2569 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 I am typically friends with my Exs. By friends I mean we are friends on Facebook and if I see them out I will say hello and make small talk. On a few rare occasions we have met for drinks. I have no desire to sleep with them again or to have any real relationship but the are nice people and we are friendly to each other. There is a fine line in all of this: I would be worried if every ex was banned from your life or your were all touchy feely with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 I wouldn't want them to be BFF or hang out/chatt too often, but there's nothing wrong with keeping some kind of friendly contact or catching up over a cup coffee every once in a while (letting your SO know of course). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Does it bother you if your lover remains friends with their past lovers? Nope, not at all. I know I'm a bit diff this way but it always baffles (and saddens) me how some ppl get so hung up on this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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