A question re: affairs

[wmacbride]

A s bs , I'd be lying if I said I didn't learn anything from my former ws's affair and the aftermath.

 

Would I have learned those same things if there had been no A? That's debatable. Was it going through all the crap a fair price to pay for gaining that knowledge? My answer to that is "no".

 

If you are a bs or a former ws, what did you learn from the affair?

 

Secondly, was it worth it?

 

Third, if you could do it all over again, what would you do differnly, aside of the affair not happening in the first place?

[Toodaloo]

Wasn't married to the guy but I learnt he was a jack ass who blames everyone else for his actions or just plain denies them...

 

I forgave him, he didn't change despite refraining (I assume) from doing it again.

 

Instead he got worse in other ways.

 

Just not worth the bother. Better off dealing with your own emotions of hurt and anger and self worth and getting on with life.

 

This is coming from someone who thinks that people can make mistakes and be forgiven them... I know a few couples who have come back and been stronger after an affair... Takes guts on both sides.

 

My ex? Spineless wonder.

[UpwardForward]

I learned so much from the affair .. that I won't even go into.

 

No. The affair / divorce / destruction to our lives weren't worth it for either of us.

 

Possibly the whole thing could have been averted had I known God, and been walking with Him, earlier.

 

But I cannot speak for H's lack of commitment.

[road]

Not to accept trickle truth.

[Midwestmissy]

I learned that those niggling doubts and gut feelings are spot on and to always believe them. I chose to believe plausible lies over my own vomiting body. I got a rash under my wedding ring the week the affair started and haven't put it back on yet (3 yrs). My instincts didn't let me down but I needed to believe them.

[seren]

The A broke my heart, it almost broke me and my marriage. But, I learned to never, ever say, it will not happen to me, I thought my marriage was bomb proof, all that a marriage should be, then it wasn't and I learned that I am capable of forgiveness to a degree I never thought I could be. I learned that communication is the key to a healthy relationship and I also learned that I have huge self control, otherwise there would be two people sized mounds in my old garden.

 

I learned that blind trust is not advisable, that good people do bad things and that out of it all has come the best marriage I could hope for. Reconciling can work, me and he are a testament to that. It reinforced my belief that A's are selfish by their very nature and that Love is not sex, rainbows and kittens, it is tested when two people go through the very worse of times and come out of it together, stronger if a bit battered.

 

I would never go through it all again, there would be no second chance, but I would love my husband forever, whatever. I can hate the deed but not the man. If I could do things differently, I would have told her husband, I didn't as he was abusive, but she went on to stalk me for 6 years. I would also have wished to get my H into Combat Stress counselling much sooner as he remains troubled.

[Arieswoman]

wmacbride,

 

Hmmmm, lots of questions here, so I'll try and answer as best I can.

 

What did I learn from my WS affair and consequence divorce?

 

That, even with the best will in the world, not all relationships are meant to last forever. Relationships are sent to show us ourselves and we should be open to learning from them.

 

That people don't change, you only get to know them better. My husband wasn't the man I thought he was - I had put him on a pedestal and given him qualities that he didn't have.

 

That we attract people who are at the same level of emotional development as we are (at the time) and we can outgrow them.

 

That if a relationship doesn't have mutual love, care, respect and trust, then it isn't worth having.

 

Although my first husband's affair was the biggest emotional hurt I'd ever had to deal with in my life, it gave me the (proverbial) smack around the head with a 2 x 4 that I needed.

 

It caused me to end a marriage that wasn't fulfilling to me, that was stifling my self-development, and enabled me to move forward and grow as a person.

 

I was forced to have a good look at myself via IC and deal with a load of cr@p that I had brought into the marriage due to FOO issues. I was able to work through that and gain more understanding of myself.

 

I developed more confidence and leaned how to set boundaries. I learned new skills and went into business for myself.

 

Was it all worth it?

 

IMO yes!

 

Many years down the line I am now married to a wonderful man who is totally different to my first husband.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Arieswoman

[Alamo657]

A s bs , I'd be lying if I said I didn't learn anything from my former ws's affair and the aftermath.

 

Would I have learned those same things if there had been no A? That's debatable. Was it going through all the crap a fair price to pay for gaining that knowledge? My answer to that is "no".

 

If you are a bs or a former ws, what did you learn from the affair?

 

Secondly, was it worth it?

 

Third, if you could do it all over again, what would you do differnly, aside of the affair not happening in the first place?

I learned that people have way too much free time on their hands, and if they don't have money or creativity to keep themselves busy during that freetime, they'll grow bored of what they have and seek new excitement trough somebody else's life.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Alamo657