road Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 For those BS and WS that did not divorce after an affair how did trickle truth effect your long term recovery? Second question for the BS's did you ever get the full truth? Link to post Share on other sites
Wade Lamare Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 For those BS and WS that did not divorce after an affair how did trickle truth effect your long term recovery? Second question for the BS's did you ever get the full truth? How would you know? A polygraph might help if you have a facility nearby but they are notoriously unreliable. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 So my H was very open with me, almost to the point of (unintentional) cruelty. Telling me how he felt about the AP and what they talked about and all that . We are only 3 weeks into NC and recovery. There has been some trickle truth but only with trivial things. But...those trivial things still get me. My H lived in a car with his AP for 2 months while he was trying to "figure things out". He didn't have any money aside from like 60$ every two weeks, everything else was DD into our account and for me to pay the bills. He'll make comments here and there ...."mangoes are less than $1 and really filling", "It feels so good to sleep on a bed", stuff like that where you can tell it's a memory. He gave me access to all his stuff and I'm sure some stuff was erased, but I laughed to see some of the stuff they talked about (in old messages from random app ph#d he didn't delete)...like him asking her to send him a pic and then getting mad that she sends a pic of her under a blanket clearly naked (nothing showing though) and wondering why she's "sleeping topless in her car" The other day wee were talking and he mentioned that one of the reasons he knew it wouldn't work long term is due to the cultural differences. . But that conversation came along with the story of how they were invited to a friend's going away party and how he went to it. That was a blow because I always just imagined them hiding out alone and not in public. Didn't get the truth.??? I think so, but I think there's a lot of "don't ask don't tell". If I ask I feel like he's being honest with me but if I don't ask or it doesn't come up, not sure he'd mention it. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 For those BS and WS that did not divorce after an affair how did trickle truth effect your long term recovery? Second question for the BS's did you ever get the full truth? I would say, that for not only her two episodes, she does trickle truth when she does not want to face things. Could be about anything. This made it harder to trust her, and I do not think I will ever really fully trust her on anything, as I have learned that she will not be open, unless you call her on it. The big thing for us, is that I had to learn not to be so trusting and not take her word, with out some back up. This has also lead me to reevaluate past stories, and yes, I found that things were not the same as she stated. I do not think she realized just how damaging this can be, but she is getting better. Lastly, any secret, was intolerable. This led me to ask about her sexual past in High School, as I had always knew she had slept with her boy friends, but she always was cagey and mysterious. I insisted on knowing the basic facts, as I seemed to be the only one who did not know. I think I got the full truth or enough to know what happened. Her overspending was a lot easier, then her ONS, as she left a paper trail. Her ONS, first story fell apart, as a letter turned up giving her away to what really happened. This was many years after, and also during the time when the marriage was really shaky. It could have ended us, as at that point I did not know if she could ever be straight with me on anything. We went trough it again, and I think, or I am mostly sure I got the whole story. The upshot, is that by "trickle truthing" to protect themselves and supposedly you, they just muddy the waters so when they do tell the truth, you cannot believe them with out evidence . I know many disagree, but the BS needs to hear all, and get all the specific information they need. Anything less just leads to problems in the long run. My two cents.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
yepsurething Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 I know many disagree, but the BS needs to hear all, and get all the specific information they need. Anything less just leads to problems in the long run. My two cents.... I agree with this, I feel if my husband would have just been instantly honest I could have trusted him more, and because he's changed his story a few times its even harder to know the truth. trickle truth is just hurtful and should all be just told up front. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 It took a little over two weeks for me to learn that my husband's affair was really a PA. During that time I was very aware of how important it was to do things "right" if we had a hope of rebuilding, and I specifically and repeatedly asked if I knew everything. I could just tell by his squirrelly and weak answers that there was more, and indeed there was. How many times did I say, "This will be so much worse if you don't just tell me everything!" and he sat there frozen. And then I said that I really really needed proof that he would confess and confront things without me playing detective, over and over, and yet several opportunities came and went over the months after DD, including finding his email on AM when he had casually mentioned the hack the day before. Last month I brought up this lack of a good faith offering of info, and he did confess to occasionally looking at porn, so I guess that's something. I don't know. The trickle truth and lack of ownership really made this process a lot harder. I am a face things head on, rip the bandaid off kind of person. He's not -- he's a hide the head in the sand, compartmentalize, and wish it away kind of person. But I really needed him to do things the way I needed in this scenario, and he really didn't step up to the plate. He's putting effort into transparency and conflict resolution and honesty, which is all we can do going forward. I trust his veracity more than I trust his judgment and self-awareness, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 If you're getting trickle truth then you're incredibly foolish to not divorce. It should be number 1 condition of reconciliation. 100% truth. Any lying or holding back of information is straight to divorce. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. Make that clear to them when the affair is discovered. And then stick to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Unless and until a cheating partner completely owns the affair and acknowledges that he/she clearly understands how their behavior has affected the partner and there is complete transparency for an extended period of time, that person is not worthy of a reconciliation attempt. Trickle truth is nothing but a slow bleed of guilt, remorse, etc. which is still all about THEM and managing their own feelings. It's not about the partner. They need to get real and do it fast if they want even a chance to reconcile. If they do the "slow bleed", they've never really felt the full brunt of their emotions/behavior and are likely to cheat again because it wasn't painful enough for THEM. They got off easy in the process. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Almost 5 years into recovery now. I don't know if got 100% of everything. In fact, I know there are things I don't want to know. There are things I am better off not knowing. You can not un-learn something. So, I think, before one presses for 100% truth, make sure you can live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 (edited) What other truth do you need accept other than knowing that it happened? Just be happy with your boolean answer! Edited September 14, 2016 by DrReplyInRhymes spelling Link to post Share on other sites
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