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How to convince or ex-girlfriend to get counseling?


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I am not a doctor to say for sure that my ex-girlfriend is borderline, however I've done enough research to say she most likely does have some kind of personality disorder. She has admitted that she is damaged and admits that she has a short fuse and has stormy relationships and constantly does a push & pull . One day she hates me, the next day she loves me. One minute shes trying to put me down and hurt me emotionally in front of her girls, the next minute shes asking me to come over as her booty call.

 

When she hurts me, she will normally apologize if I don't nag about it. I noticed the more I nag, complain, and express how her actions impact how I feel and how much it hurts me, the more frustrated she becomes. If I just keep it short and say, I'm pissed I don't want to talk....then within the next few hours or the next day she will say sorry and then act like nothing ever happened.

This is very frustrating and I understand many of you will think, geez, why put up with this. Well, I care for some reason. I've never had greater feelings for a person and she pushed me to do better in my life prior to her becoming irrationally annoying.

 

Please, I'd like some tips on how to convince her to get a diagnosis as shes already admitted she can use some therapy. She has admitted she knows she has a problem with her temper and acknowledges that she hurts me. She appears to be remorseful after shes done something. She does not harm herself but she does drink and drive a lot and I've tried to respectfully talk o her about that as well. She becomes defensive and tells me not to tell her what to do.

 

She told me her father was sweet to her and then he beat up her mom and left the family. I heard her tell a friend in common "I treat him like crap because of my dad" (she was referring to me).

 

She recently put up a picture on her google account and there is a lot of disturbance in her eyes, a concerning disturbance. When we first started dating, she did mention that she would feel depressed at times and didn't see the point of life sometimes. She'd ask what is the purpose of being here?

 

I'm very concerned for my ex and still love her very much as I know when someone is borderline, they cant really control their explosions / tantrums. I sometimes get anxiety thinking about all this and feel really down.

Edited by luvsux69
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I am not a doctor to say for sure that my ex-girlfriend is borderline, however I've done enough research to say she most likely does have some kind of personality disorder.
Luv, is this the same young woman that SalParadise and I discussed with you back in Feb 2015?

 

I know when someone is borderline, they cant really control their explosions/tantrums.
Yes and no. If she really does exhibit strong and persistent BPD symptoms, her emotional development likely is frozen at the level of a four year old. Hence, like a young child, she does have some control over her tantrums/actions but finds it difficult to do so -- because she lacks the emotional skills available to mature adults. This is why it is very important that she be held fully accountable for her own actions. Otherwise, like a spoiled child, she will have no incentive to acquire those emotional skills and become more emotionally mature.

 

Please, I'd like some tips on how to convince her to get a diagnosis as shes already admitted she can use some therapy.
If she is a high functioning BPDer as you suspect, there is very little chance she will remain in therapy long enough to make a real difference. Therapy will be useful only if she strongly self motivated to improve herself and sufficiently self aware to recognize she has serious issues. If that is true, you won't need any tips on "how to convince her" to seek therapy. She will be self motivated to do so.

 

I learned that the hard way. I persuaded my BPDer exW to stay in weekly therapy sessions -- with 6 psychologists and 3 MCs -- for 15 years. Although it cost me a small fortune, it did not make a dent in her BPD symptoms. Not one dent. Instead, she simply played mind games with the therapists.

 

Moreover, if she is a high functioning BPDer, it is unlikely that a therapist will tell her the name of her diagnosis. There are several reasons why therapists usually withhold that diagnostic information. The main reason is that telling a HF BPDer the name of her disorder almost certainly means she will immediately terminate therapy. Hence, if you want to obtain a candid professional opinion on what issues your GF likely is struggling with, your best chance of doing so is to see your own psychologist -- i.e., one who has not seen or treated your GF -- and describe her behaviors to him.

 

Have you had a chance to follow the two links I provided in my 2/21/15 post? If so, and if you have questions about that information, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Perhaps SalParadise will join us again.

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Hi ive actually been seeing a counselor and i explained everything. She says she does believe that my ex has borderline tendenciea but she doesnt harm herself, i guess not all borderlines harm themselves?

 

This is the same girl ive posted about and i cant seem to move on. Every week she does contact me to come over as her booty call but i dont go because im upset with the latest behaviors over the past month.

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Hi ive actually been seeing a counselor and i explained everything. She says she does believe that my ex has borderline tendenciea but she doesnt harm herself, i guess not all borderlines harm themselves?
You are correct, Luv. Indeed, the vast majority of BPDers -- even those with full-blown BPD -- do not do the self harming such as suicidal behavior, arm cutting, and head banging. Those that do it generally are very low functioning. Significantly, a person can satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having full-blown BPD" by exhibiting strong occurrences of only 5 of the 9 defining traits. Hence, her not satisfying the "self harming" trait does not rule out BPD.
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Run, don't walk!

 

Having been with a BPDer and having thought I could deal with the situation I realize now that I was in WAY over my head. The **** just got worse and more damaging over time.

 

You cant make someone go to counseling and you cant make someone change. BPD is an illness you will be dealing with the rest of your life if you stay with this person.

 

What you are seeing now is just the beginning, my friend!

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