Jump to content

Difficult to relate to boyfriend while he's grieving


Recommended Posts

My boyfriend has had two major losses in the family 3 months apart. Both were grandparents and I believe all of his other family members are still living, so this is the first time he's had a big loss that hit him hard.

 

I think the way he grieves is very different from how I do it - and I just find it difficult to relate with him in the best way possible while he's going through the emotions. It's difficult to explain, but I feel like we're always in sync with each other, except for when he's grieving.

 

I'm not sure if he wants more of me, less of me, I wonder if I'm being too casual sometimes, I don't know. I wonder if me still living "normal life" while he's so affected is flippant or disrespectful? (I obviously don't try to be.) Whenever I ask him, he says he doesn't know - he never finds it easy to describe his feelings. It kills me because I can feel how scrambled his vibes get.

 

It's not like he's mad at me - I just feel how "off" things are and feel kind of helpless and unsure of how to best support him.

 

Guys, what are your thoughts about processing loss, and either sharing or taking space from your partner? What is your grieving style? What do you and don't you want from someone in close proximity to you?

 

I gave him some head rubs last night and that was the only time I felt like he had some peace of mind.

 

He's also the kind of person who wants to take care of everyone else around him and shoulder their suffering before dealing with his own.

 

I feel like I go through shock for a few months and am very matter-of-fact until some kind of holiday/ritual is suddenly different and that's when it hits me. I've also suffered a lot of losses, and dealt with it earlier in my life, so I feel more grounded in knowing what my process is and how I have to process my emotions. I might be more in my head about it. I wonder if this makes me appear to be insensitive at times, when that's not really the case.

Edited by blackcat777
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

One thing you have to be ready to do as a comforter is take a few lumps. Grieving ppl tend to make pretty bad companions, and sometimes what they need is an outlet. Safest form of that is you. (That's for snapping or just being moody or crabby - he feels safe enough w you to do that, unlike say his boss.)

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just don't be demanding in any way and occasionally just do comforting things like make his favorite meal or get a movie he loves. Men tend to interpret everything as wanting sex, so don't be too touchy, but at times when it can't be interpreted as "I need sex but you're not in the mood," just touch his arm or pat his back or comforting things. If he stays in the dumps too many more months, he might need some grief counseling.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why not just ask him what he needs from you?

 

If I'm correct, guys are more "matter of fact", "problem/solution". Like you ask him if he wants asprin or back rub for a headache and let him tell you.

 

There's other stuff you can do without him saying, like bringing him some cooked food now/then, just showing genuine concern (ie "How's your day?")

 

But don't nag. Don't insist on communication. Guys don't sit around and talk about feeeeeelings like women do. Try physical stuff, like take him on a walk especially if you have pets. Help out with dishes or laundry...practical stuff.

 

Be ready for no response...and if he does, give him space. He'll come around when he's ready.

 

Kudos for caring about doing right by him :) !!!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Whenever I ask him, he says he doesn't know - he never finds it easy to describe his feelings. It kills me because I can feel how scrambled his vibes get.

 

---

 

He's also the kind of person who wants to take care of everyone else around him and shoulder their suffering before dealing with his own.

 

In that case IMO the best thing you can do is to give him space. Small, quiet gestures like cooking for him would probably be appreciated, but for the most part I would strongly urge you to stop asking him what he wants and just let him be for the time being. It's fine and normal to be 'out of sync' occasionally, especially during times like this where one partner is processing grief and bereavement. This too shall pass.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Grieving in a very personal process. Each person does it differently. They all go through the various stages of grieving, as a rule, and the stages come around at different times. The five stages of grieving are: 1) Denial/Isolation, 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression 5) Acceptance.

 

Not everyone experiences all of the stages nor do they go through them in a specific order. It's important to acknowledge how the person is feeling at the time and not try to push it aside or brush over it or even say "it's going to be OK". The best thing to do is tell them to take the time they need to deal with it, that you are there for whatever they may need.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I appreciate the input!

 

He seems to be hanging in there. He had a moment where he totally unleashed emotionally when I least expected it.

 

I told him I didn't want to talk him to death, but didn't want to seem like I don't care, either. We'll be spending a lot of time with his family this weekend, which is huge and loving and awesome.

 

I know he'll be fine - I feel like I'm just trying to learn how to be more accommodating through all the emotions. He was a little bit crabby around the last funeral (which I COMPLETELY understand!), and we had a minor spat one night that I still feel bad when I think about it.

 

The past few days have been alright. It's just a one foot at a time thing, I suppose.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I appreciate the input!

 

He seems to be hanging in there. He had a moment where he totally unleashed emotionally when I least expected it.

 

I told him I didn't want to talk him to death, but didn't want to seem like I don't care, either. We'll be spending a lot of time with his family this weekend, which is huge and loving and awesome.

 

I know he'll be fine - I feel like I'm just trying to learn how to be more accommodating through all the emotions. He was a little bit crabby around the last funeral (which I COMPLETELY understand!), and we had a minor spat one night that I still feel bad when I think about it.

 

The past few days have been alright. It's just a one foot at a time thing, I suppose.

 

Anger is the first step in the grieving process. You might look up the other steps so you get an idea what to expect and where he's at in the process!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...