What’s your position on marriage and your lover?

[love1336x]

What’s your position on marriage and your lover?

Me and my babe are clashing when comes to matrimony. She wants to go to a courthouse, and call it a day. I desire a small ceremony, and a honeymoon. Her first marriage that’s what she did.

She believes marriage isn’t nothing but a piece of paper, and since we already live together, it’s like nothing would change, and that is a valid point. She tells me, “If you really love me, you won’t want a ceremony. We can go to the courthouse and get hatch.” I do love her a lot, but I want a small ceremony… something more romantic…. Maybe even a park wedding, or a beach… something more than some court house. Am I being too selfish? Should I settle… and go to the courthouse and call it a day? Am I asking for too much? At least she wants to get married….

[basil67]

My partner and I both feel that marriage is a bit of paper. We did talk about getting married because it would be fun - but he wanted flowers, big dress, 4 groomsmen, distant relatives- the whole thing. I wanted just family and couldn't think of anything worse than a large wedding and all it entails. We discussed it over a weekend, decided it was too hard and got the bathroom renovated instead.

 

I will ask you this: If marriage is just a piece of paper to her, why is she getting married? Isn't marriage meaningless if one party doesn't actually value the vows and ceremony?

[madjac74]

We are combining the wedding and honeymoon...vegas baby! I did the traditional "its all about the bride wedding" and it was a complete waste of money! Have fun! It is about both of you. Not just spending a bunch of money and impressing a bunch of people who wont give a **** 3 days later

[love1336x]

My partner and I both feel that marriage is a bit of paper. We did talk about getting married because it would be fun - but he wanted flowers, big dress, 4 groomsmen, distant relatives- the whole thing. I wanted just family and couldn't think of anything worse than a large wedding and all it entails. We discussed it over a weekend, decided it was too hard and got the bathroom renovated instead.

 

I will ask you this: If marriage is just a piece of paper to her, why is she getting married? Isn't marriage meaningless if one party doesn't actually value the vows and ceremony?

 

Hmm, thanks for that question! I'm going to ask her for sure!!!

If I had to guess because I want to get marry so that's why she agreeing to the marriage, but if I didn't care I guess she wouldn't care either. :/

[skydiveaddict]

I think you should both become catholics and get married in the church

[basil67]

Hmm, thanks for that question! I'm going to ask her for sure!!!

If I had to guess because I want to get marry so that's why she agreeing to the marriage, but if I didn't care I guess she wouldn't care either. :/

 

She's doing this for you because she loves you and wants to make you happy. And this shows what a caring woman she is. But does it *mean anything* to her?

 

For what it's worth, I got married young and it crashed and burned in 4 years. Second time around, my partner and I have been happily defacto for over 20 years. Even though marriage may not mean anything to her, it doesn't mean that she can't commit.

[madjac74]

I think you should both become catholics and get married in the church

 

and regardless of what they decide, they should feel guilty about it.

[love1336x]

She's doing this for you because she loves you and wants to make you happy. And this shows what a caring woman she is. But does it *mean anything* to her?

 

For what it's worth, I got married young and it crashed and burned in 4 years. Second time around, my partner and I have been happily defacto for over 20 years. Even though marriage may not mean anything to her, it doesn't mean that she can't commit.

 

Yeah. Her first marriage only lasted nine months.

She barely knew the girl.

She known me for like eight years now.

I sorta wish she had that fire for me like for that girl. The whole excitement of marriage and what not. But, like you said she's at least wants to get marry... I know she can commit.

I guess I should settle and do the courthouse.... ? at least we can still do vows, right? I need to Google it. Lol. Hell maybe I don't even have to miss work! Lol.

[MJJean]

DH and I had been together for 3 years when we married. We already considered ourselves married and I didn't see any need for bells and whistles, so we had a lovely, personal, ceremony at a courthouse with a Justice of the Peace presiding and his darling little old lady assistants as witnesses.

 

A few years later, I helped a friend plan her small wedding and honeymoon. After helping plan that wedding, I was even happier DH and I married the way we did.

 

You want a proper wedding. She wants the courthouse wedding. A compromise is in order!

 

My Aunt and Uncle had a courthouse ceremony. She wore a beautiful knee length white dress and he wore a suit. She had a small bouquet and he brought the rings. About 15 family members got dressed up and met them at the courthouse. They took some pictures, had the ceremony with the family watching, took some more pictures, and then everyone went to a nearby restaurant for a lunch reception.

 

Simple, low cost, few hassles, and the closest family members and friends present.

[central]

What’s your position on marriage and your lover?

Me and my babe are clashing when comes to matrimony. She wants to go to a courthouse, and call it a day. I desire a small ceremony, and a honeymoon. Her first marriage that’s what she did.

She believes marriage isn’t nothing but a piece of paper, and since we already live together, it’s like nothing would change, and that is a valid point. She tells me, “If you really love me, you won’t want a ceremony. We can go to the courthouse and get hatch.” I do love her a lot, but I want a small ceremony… something more romantic…. Maybe even a park wedding, or a beach… something more than some court house. Am I being too selfish? Should I settle… and go to the courthouse and call it a day? Am I asking for too much? At least she wants to get married….

 

That right there is manipulative emotional blackmail. If she has done this with other things before, then I suggest that you do not marry her - she is intent on having her way, and will use unfair tactics to ensure she gets it.

[jen1447]

I've never been interested in marriage, both bc I kinda don't see the point of licenses etc. when it won't change anything in practical terms aside from our tax returns but also bc it seems like a needless complication to me if things don't work out. When things don't work out and you're not married, you turn the page and that's it, but when you're married that's just the beginning of a long, drawn out ordeal in many cases.

 

This is about you tho, so if you really want a wedding you should insist on one. You're entitled.

[Shanex]

Half of marriage ending up on divorce it's a bit like gambling. I don't think I'll ever get married, but have both relatives and friends married, some happily (or so they pretend) others are much older and they have run their course and the spark isn't there anymore but stay together. Because they are old and afraid of ending up and living the lonely and miserable life.

 

I can only think of a few women (exes) I'd have married and maybe have children with. I'm probably too young for this institution anyway.

[Redhead14]

What’s your position on marriage and your lover?

Me and my babe are clashing when comes to matrimony. She wants to go to a courthouse, and call it a day. I desire a small ceremony, and a honeymoon. Her first marriage that’s what she did.

She believes marriage isn’t nothing but a piece of paper, and since we already live together, it’s like nothing would change, and that is a valid point. She tells me, “If you really love me, you won’t want a ceremony. We can go to the courthouse and get hatch.” I do love her a lot, but I want a small ceremony… something more romantic…. Maybe even a park wedding, or a beach… something more than some court house. Am I being too selfish? Should I settle… and go to the courthouse and call it a day? Am I asking for too much? At least she wants to get married….

“If you really love me, you won’t want a ceremony." -- She's not manipulative much, is she? Is this the way she will handle other issues that come up in the marriage? How do the two of you feel about having children? Do you want them and she doesn't? If that's the case, here's how that future scenario will play out "Hey, babe, I'd like it if we could start a family". "Nah, I don't want kids so if you love me, you won't want them either". Or vice versa, "hey, I want kids now, if you love me you'll get me pregnant".

 

I don't think you're asking for too much, it's basically a compromise between a quickie wedding and something bigger.

[Mr. Lucky]

Me and my love bug are in our late 20s, and we have no children.

We have sex once a month if i'm lucky lol. Sometimes we can go a whole month without sex.

I don't really keep count on sex anymore. It would drive me insane!! but, now that I could careless about sex. I LOVE porn.

 

Why would you want to marry someone you're so sexually out of sync with?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lana-banana]

We just (finally!) finished ring-shopping and have told our parents the engagement is coming soon, so this has been on our minds a lot. But we're both dead-set against a large ceremony. Watching some of our best friends lose their minds over unexpected scheduling snafus, invitees adding guests at the last minute, and all the ridiculous family drama has made us pretty firmly anti-wedding. That being said, we do love parties!

 

We're not interested in a ceremony, but we are serious about our food and drink. We care more about having the most memorable meals imaginable for the people we love. We're planning to have a dinner with immediate family and a separate reception for all of our friends where we can enjoy a great meal.

 

And I have every intention of renting a dress!

[MissBee]

To me: the most basic thing that needs to be settled when you decide to get married, is that at minimum, you all have the same idea about what marriage means and signifies for you. As if you have two different beliefs and values about it, I'm not sure how things will go in the same direction.

 

That said, I don't think I would be able to marry a man who saw marriage as "just a piece of paper" or who claimed I shouldn't or wouldn't want a ceremony if I loved him... That's absurd. You're obviously bothered by this, as you should be, and I think working out what marriage means to you both and being true to yourself is better than simply agreeing to watch she wants, as it's more than just about the paper. And honestly, if it's just a piece of paper, why do it at all? Likewise, if it's just a paper why is she opposed to a ceremony? I mean in many places most couples technically get the paper work done prior to the official ceremony. So yes the actual license is a paper, and the ceremony though is usually an open celebration of your love and proclaiming it and rituals do have meaning for us, that's why we have them, because they do mark occasions and put us in different frames of mind and such.

 

I don't think you all should get married before you can come to an agreement and compromise that suits you BOTH. Compromise isn't just agreeing grudgingly to the wants of the other person, it's both of you finding some middle ground. But yea...if you have different ideas about marriage, I'd work on what this may mean for the marriage and working that out instead of worrying about the wedding. Remember, the marriage is different from the wedding. It is important if she feels weddings aren't important or if she also believes marriage as a relationship is just a piece of paper.

[MissBee]

I've never been interested in marriage, both bc I kinda don't see the point of licenses etc. when it won't change anything in practical terms aside from our tax returns but also bc it seems like a needless complication to me if things don't work out. When things don't work out and you're not married, you turn the page and that's it, but when you're married that's just the beginning of a long, drawn out ordeal in many cases.

 

This is about you tho, so if you really want a wedding you should insist on one. You're entitled.

 

This isn't quite true...

 

Unless you are just dating and live separately, have no kids, no property, no entanglements, sure. Couples who are just dating and don't have very entangled lives or who even live together but have no children or other entanglements, sure. But if you are life partners and for all intents and purposes live like you're married: you have kids, pets, a house, cars, investments, other things together and a whole life...you do not simply turn a page. This has always been bizarre to me when people say this... like just because you didn't get a license doesn't change the practicalities of what it means to live and entangle your lives. I think the whole point of divorce laws is to try to find an equitable solution to splits....not marrying but living like you are doesn't get around the problem in any way.

 

Like you said, the practicalities end up being the same regardless of the license. But if you are unmarried and have a life with kids, a home(s), the rest: you will still will need to decide on custody of children, splitting things apart, sorting any joint finances, selling any properties and getting part of the money etc... and the reason why divorces are complicated is usually because of the emotions and feelings involved of the parties, unmarried folks who break up are not any more civil, especially if they're parting because of infidelity...they too will have to disentangle and add the drama of emotions on top which will also make separating lives hard. From all the court shows I've watched, coupled folks end up in court all the time after things end, trying to work out who gets what and so on and so forth and it's sometimes messier. I think marrying or not is totally personal, but I do think if people are choosing not to do it because they think that divorces are complicated but somehow if you have everything married people have without marriage and things end, you will simply wave goodbye after 15 years, kids, a mortgage, etc and pack your troubles and leave with no complication...it's naive and shortsighted.

Edited July 19, 2016 by MissBee

[jen1447]

Funny - I must know nothing about my own life.

 

I'm unmarried and have none of those entanglements, and I advocate for not doing those things specifically so as to make life as simple as possible. And in my case I can indeed just turn the page.

 

If you have children and joint assets and a shared mortgage et al, obvs those things will make ending a relationship more complex. That's a no-brainer.

[RecentChange]

Well - beyond if it is wise to get married at all, and the most important part, if its smart to get married to the person you are getting hitched to!

 

- The Wedding -

 

It depends! So many variables.

 

I have never wanted a wedding, I never fantasied about wedding colors, or flowers or dresses or all of that stuff I saw many of my girlfriends pour over.

 

We are both from small families that don't make a big deal out of social occasions, we do not want kids - so the "bringing together two families" aspect of a wedding wasn't important to us. I think this part IS very important to certain people / certain families - so its something to consider.

 

My husband and I have been together for just under 15 years. Moved in together after 6 months of dating, got engaged 3 years later.... and finally got around to getting married about 4 months ago.

 

We went on a road trip of the southwest, just the two of us. Had a great time gallivanting like teenagers, capped the trip off with an impromptu wedding under the Welcome to Las Vegas sign.

 

Just the two of us, totally last min, with no pre-planning, and no pre-stress!

 

It was PERFECT for us, wouldn't be perfect for everyone.

[Gloria25]

I agree with Miss Bee

 

IMO, six months of premarital counseling should be mandatory after the couple is engaged and before the planning for a ceremony even starts.

 

Premarital counseling, when done by professionals (not a priest necessarily), is an eye opener. It opens up discussion on key topics for two people coming together to build a life together, cuz too many people date and think since the person in front of them likes the same popcorn, they're ready to marry them and have kids already.

 

Also, the more a couple has in common/shared, the tighter the glue is to keep them together for the long-term. I mean, you both already do not see marriage in the same light, so I wonder why bother even getting married if there's such strong polarities on such an important issue?

 

Lastly, IMO, I agree with your partner. Ceremonies are reserved for people who follow tradition. Sadly no one cares for tradition, they make it up to whatever feels good for them. There was a time a woman wearing white meant she was "special", a virgin for her man...nope, now a days you wear a white dress no matter how many men had their taste snd cuz you're "entitled" to your day to show off.

 

So, IMO, a ceremony is done for the community and God. But sadly, it's about showing off...not sharing a wonderful moment with family, friends, God, and community. See, for me, getting married is serious business. I'm choosing this person to start a life with. What we do and how we do it affects our society and community. It's not just a day to eat cake, dress up and take pictures cuz it's your turn and/or cuz you've been with someone for X amount of time and figured "what the heck, let's get hitched".

 

So, I'm with your partner. Go to the courthouse, gettrr done and if you wanna celebrate, invite some close friends out for dinner. You both aren't following tradition, been "living in sin" for years, and are just doing this cuz like for "whatever"...in other words, whatever was "special" about this impending wedding was lost long time ago...IMO.

 

Tradition means "special" ...in other words, you don't wear a tuxedo to a sports bar.

[2.50 a gallon]

Some of the happiest days of my life was when I was married. But that only lasted a couple of months. What followed was the worst year of my life. So terrible that I swore I would never repeat them. It is so difficult to understand that the person you love the most can over night turn into your worst enemy. I barely survived.

Thank God she did not get pregnant, and that we were only married for six months, as I could have been financially responsible for years. Scary!

Alas the divorce rate is not what the government says at 50 percent, but much higher, above 80 percent. I am now retired, and other than my parents generation, I do not know one person who has not gone thru a divorce.

[RecentChange]

Alas the divorce rate is not what the government says at 50 percent, but much higher, above 80 percent. I am now retired, and other than my parents generation, I do not know one person who has not gone thru a divorce.

 

Do you have any links to any reputable social research that backs up this number? It's not just the "government" that surveys these things. And are you counting 2nd 3rd etc marriages? They are more likely to end in divorce.

 

Once they are removed from the equation divorce rates are considerably lower than 50%.

 

I agree many marriages do fail - wrong people, getting married for the wrong reasons . In my family and circle of friends there are more successes than failures.

[love1336x]

Lastly, IMO, I agree with your partner. Ceremonies are reserved for people who follow tradition.

Says who, you? We are living in 2016. This isn't the 1800s. I suppose since you believe I am lesbian that I shouldn't even bother with marriage because that should be between a man and a woman? You badly need to pace outside and you the world you live in for today.

 

Sadly no one cares for tradition, they make it up to whatever feels good for them. There was a time a woman wearing white meant she was "special", a virgin for her man...nope, now a days you wear a white dress no matter how many men had their taste snd cuz you're "entitled" to your day to show off.

 

I am not trying to show off to anyone when comes to my wedding that I want.

1.) I'm queer. My family cannot stand gays, so nobody from my side of the family will come, and I could care less.

2.) I hardly have friends. I have possibly a fistful.

3.) I haven't had a train of men inside of me. I can count on my HANDS how many people I been with... can you?

 

4.)I do believe marriage is about spending the rest of your life with this person until the end of time. I don't even want to have children until we are married. I don't want to buy a house, do a lot of things until we are married because this is a serious thing that i want for us.

 

I'm glad you aren't my mother, i thought she was bad... you're worse.

[Cephalopod]

I am a divorced single dad in my forties and I will never marry again. I have a daughter who will one day pass on my genes, so I have fulfilled my biological mandate.

 

Marriage for a man in today's society offers no benefit whatsoever to the man. The courts favor the mother in all things. Iwent into my divorce with a huge handicap simply because I have a penis. If you are a man, the State automatically considers you the inferior parent. I had to fight like hell for two years to get sole custody of my daughter, and spent tens of thousands of dollars proving that my exWW was an unfit mother. I succeeded, but it absolutely ruined my attitude towards marriage in this so-called modern civilization of the USA.

 

I will keep my retirement, raise my daughter on my own, and will not pay my cheating ex one dime.

 

I have a lady friend who I have had a FWB relationship with for several years now and we are doing great. We love each other and are committed to making each other happy. She is like a surrogate mom to my daughter. But she is a career woman who has no desire to get married and she values her alone time and privacy. We both came from broken marriages fraught with adultery, and she understands me on a deep level. We get together three nights a week, go on dates, take my daughter out on fun-filled excursions on the weekends, but we also respect each others space. She has her own house and I have mine, and we like it that way. Oh, and the sex is mind blowing and adventurous, because we miss each other when we don't see each other for a few days at a time.

 

This arrangement is damn near perfect for me, and I see such relationships like this becoming a trend over the next quarter century.

[Gloria25]

Lastly, IMO, I agree with your partner. Ceremonies are reserved for people who follow tradition.

Says who, you? We are living in 2016. This isn't the 1800s. I suppose since you believe I am lesbian that I shouldn't even bother with marriage because that should be between a man and a woman? You badly need to pace outside and you the world you live in for today.

 

Sadly no one cares for tradition, they make it up to whatever feels good for them. There was a time a woman wearing white meant she was "special", a virgin for her man...nope, now a days you wear a white dress no matter how many men had their taste snd cuz you're "entitled" to your day to show off.

 

I am not trying to show off to anyone when comes to my wedding that I want.

1.) I'm queer. My family cannot stand gays, so nobody from my side of the family will come, and I could care less.

2.) I hardly have friends. I have possibly a fistful.

3.) I haven't had a train of men inside of me. I can count on my HANDS how many people I been with... can you?

 

4.)I do believe marriage is about spending the rest of your life with this person until the end of time. I don't even want to have children until we are married. I don't want to buy a house, do a lot of things until we are married because this is a serious thing that i want for us.

 

I'm glad you aren't my mother, i thought she was bad... you're worse.

 

Yes this is 2016, but let me ask you if between the 1800s and 2016, has the sun changed from rising in the East and setting in the West?

 

Some things, like tradition, are timeless because it serves as a benefit to us as a species. But, sadly, without age, experience, and an open mind (and open to the past as much as our present)...it's hard to understand the bigger picture.

 

You know, our parents are here to guide us, cuz in their wisdom (which comes with age/experience) they wouldn't be doing their job if they didn't impart their knowledge to you. We're not like some mammals (like horses) where upon birth we start walking...we need more "raising" and dependence on our parents and elders than a horse. So, I'm sad to see that you see your mother and I as the worst.