Self sabotage?

[bamababe99]

Hello all. I am currently in a relationship with my best guy friend for over a year now. It's been so great but also so miserable at the same time. Our biggest issue is something I'm afraid I created on my own, but I just can't seem to get over it....here's a little more info. Me and him have been super close for years before we started dating. Specifically we became close when I helped him through his last relationship. I'm friends with his ex girlfriend as well and all was well until we started dating. She was his first legit relationship and it was a very very unhealthy one. I started remembering everything he and his ex told me about their relationship and started comparing my relationship with him. I got onto his facebook and read all his messages to his friends about his ex and I read their wall to wall on facebook. Needless to say, it really upset me to see someone I love care about someone else like that. I then became obsessed with finding out everything he ever did (sexually and emotionally) or said to her and compared it to what he does or says to me. It has gotten so bad that now I don't think anything he does and says is genuine. He has started to seem dirty to me, like I got sloppy seconds. It doesn't help that we live in the same home town as his ex and I remember all the places they've gone. Since she was his first legit gf, I started thinking about all the firsts that he used up with her. I have become infatuated with his past and it has caused so many arguments and sadness and anger. He is becoming impatient and upset and now thinks that I will never choose him over my obsession with her. He has told me countless times that he never loved her, he merely was in denial and I know that they had a really bad relationship. I just can't shake away this feeling that he cheated me out of something. I have gotten so angry at him that I cheated on him with one of his friends. I told him obviously and he decided to stay with me to show me that he does truly care about me and how much I mean to him. I would say he's my first serious relationship and the first person I love. Is it wrong of me to want to be his first love? He says I am but I always flash back to those messages and comments and wallposts he wrote to her. I am so unhappy right now and it is more terrible knowing that I probably caused my own unhappiness. How do I stop comparing myself to her and accept that he never loved her but that he loves me? How do I accept his love? How do I shift my lens to the present instead of being so immersed in his past? How do I get over this feeling that he betrayed me by having an ex? How do I forgive him for not making me his first gf? How do I make myself okay with his past and let it go?

Edited June 24, 2016 by bamababe99

[spiderowl]

Why does it matter so much to you that you should be his first love?

[bamababe99]

I guess it's because he's my first love? And I want the same thing returned to me. He says I am but I have so much evidence that shows otherwise (his old wallposts and messages to her and his friends).