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The "i am unhappy" conversation


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My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We jumped into our relationship with both feet, and never looked back. We just clicked and got along so well, that it seemed like we found our soulmates in each other. That is where the fairytale ends.

 

We are both well into our adult lives, with careers, past marriages and children already under our belts. We live together, and have been living together, for over a year. We share a blended family. She has a 7yo and I have a 9yo, who get along very well, but are definitely drawn heavily to their biological parent. "Blending" our families fully, has been a bit of a challenge, but overall I feel it has been going well. GF however, does have issues with household structure, and the fact that we are both very quick to get our little jabs in on each other, little innuendos and passive aggressive stuff. We are both sarcastic by nature and love to be right, and that is posing to be a problem. That's where most of our issues stem from. Lately, we have not been clicking at all. GF has been pulling back, seemingly depressed and not interested in connecting sexually or emotionally. Last night we had a serious discussion about the future of our relationship. She says she is simply "not happy", and can't figure out what to do. Like most men, I felt a little blindsided and taken aback, even though she has expressed her concerns previously, they never seemed to be paramount issues in the relationship to me. Obviously, they are to her and have been for some time. Of course, I am all on board to be pro-active now, and I definitely want to make this relationship work. I love her with all my heart, and I believe she loves me, but I don't know to what extent anymore. We don't have any other major stressors inside the relationship. We have jobs and ex's of course, and there is always outside issues that every relationship faces. But, from the inside, we simply bicker and slightly disagree on some parenting structure. There is nobody else in the picture, no abuse, no major trust issues, finances aren't a huge problem, etc. She says she wants to stay in the relationship, but I am not sensing the desire to actually want to try from her. I brought up working on our issues, together and didn't get any response. I asked her about her commitment to our future, not much of a response there, either. It feels like she is really weighing her thoughts heavily and might have one foot already out the door. It comes as a surprise to me, because the issues we have don't seem like something that would be so extreme, that they would be deal breakers. They seem like stuff you just kind of work on. Along with her issues, I haven't felt loved or appreciated either. We are both kind of resentful and bummed with life right now. Needless to say, things need to be addressed. I expressed that I was committed to her and willing to make any effort to save our family, but I needed some expression of love and commitment from her as well. From this point, I don't really know how to proceed. I realize I need to change our dynamic, I am looking for advice on how to get started. Is there a way to repair the damage that's already been done and get this relationship back on track? Help me please.....

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My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half.

 

First of all that is not a lot of time to begin with, you clearly moved in too quickly and as a side note was clearly unfair to the kids in my mind you did not consider their long term well-being but that is a side opinion…

 

We jumped into our relationship with both feet, and never looked back.

We just clicked and got along so well, that it seemed like we found our soulmates in each other. That is where the fairytale ends.

 

GF however, does have issues with household structure, and the fact that we are both very quick to get our little jabs in on each other, little innuendos and passive aggressive stuff.

 

Lack of basic respect...

 

We are both sarcastic by nature and love to be right, and that is posing to be a problem.

 

GF has been pulling back, seemingly depressed and not interested in connecting sexually or emotionally.

 

Last night we had a serious discussion about the future of our relationship.

She says she is simply "not happy", and can't figure out what to do.

even though she has expressed her concerns previously, they never seemed to be paramount issues in the relationship to me. Obviously, they are to her and have been for some time.

 

Minimizing her concerns...

 

Of course, I am all on board to be pro-active now, and I definitely want to make this relationship work.

I love her with all my heart, and I believe she loves me, but I don't know to what extent anymore. We don't have any other major stressors inside the relationship.

 

You sure about that?

 

we simply bicker and slightly disagree on some parenting structure. There is nobody else in the picture, no abuse, no major trust issues, finances aren't a huge problem, etc.

 

She says she wants to stay in the relationship, but I am not sensing the desire to actually want to try from her.

 

I brought up working on our issues, together and didn't get any response.

I asked her about her commitment to our future, not much of a response there, either.

It feels like she is really weighing her thoughts heavily and might have one foot already out the door.

 

People seriously overuse the term “soulmate”

 

Soul mates are brought into your life so that you can grow and expand into the best version of yourself.

 

Just a basic observation your relationship did not evolve. Now the result she is not happy and a gut feeling is no longer respects you for some reason and if that is the case the relationship will be off in a ditch soon if it is not already.

 

Love and pain exist WITHIN US... all of us.. What is within us is going to show up in front of us, especially in our relationships. This means that the unresolved issues that are residing within you are going to come to the surface in our most intimate relationships. This is exactly why you don’t jump into relationships “with both feet”

 

Counseling if you can maybe…

 

Figure this out in a hurry, for the kids sake.

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You're absolutely right, on all points! To be honest, we both knew that we should take things slow, for the consideration of our children. My previous relationship lasted about a year, and our children never even knew we were dating. In this relationship however, we couldn't seem to go without being together. Don't get me wrong, it didn't start out as a hot fling. We truly enjoyed each others company, had more in common than we could imagine, we clicked in so many ways that it was astounding. I used the phrase "soul mate", to express that we both felt (and I still do), that we had found the partner we had always been waiting for...so we jumped in. Regardless, you are right and I am completely aware of our recklessness.... But here we are, and I am not ready to throw in the towel. I hope she isn't either, but I am not sure how to reconnect and get back to a properly evolving relationship with her. I need help with that.

 

I have heard mixed feelings regarding couples counseling, and I personally had a bad experience with it, prior to divorcing my Ex. With that being said, I am still open to it. I feel that my partner would be open to it. How would I best approach her with the idea, without it coming off as desperate or pressuring?

 

I am going to do some changes personally. I worked on myself a lot, after going through divorce. I've seen my flaws. I know my shortcomings, and I have worked towards improving myself and being a better man. Granted I am not perfect by any means. But, I am aware of my accountability in a relationship, and I do know that it requires compromise and dedication to be a good partner. I am willing to make changes. I realize that I have minimized her concerns. I fell back into old habits. I see that now. I do admire her, and I wish to be a lifelong partner to her. I can see clearly, that I haven't shown her the respect that she desires. I am whole heatedly going to work on that. No more put downs or smart ass remarks. I will listen more attentively and validate her better. These things I CAN do. What I do not know is, what else can I do to repair the damage that has already been done? How can I put the train back on the tracks?

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(I) am going to do some changes personally. (I) worked on myself a lot, after going through divorce. (I've) seen my flaws. (I) know my shortcomings, and (I) have worked towards improving myself and being a better man. Granted (I) am not perfect by any means. But, (I) am aware of my accountability in a relationship, and (I) do know that it requires compromise and dedication to be a good partner. (I) am willing to make changes. (I) realize that (I) have minimized her concerns. (I) fell back into old habits. (I) see that now. (I) do admire her, and (I) wish to be a lifelong partner to her. (I) can see clearly, that (I) haven't shown her the respect that she desires. (I) am whole heatedly going to work on that. No more put downs or smart ass remarks. (I) will listen more attentively and validate her better. These things (I) CAN do. What (I) do not know is, what else can (I) do to repair the damage that has already been done? How can (I) put the train back on the tracks?

 

Two quick observation 23 (I’s) you are making it about you.

 

Generally people who often say "I" are less powerful and less sure of themselves. Frequent "I" users subconsciously believe they are subordinate to the person to whom they are talking. You are seemingly forcing all of this effort to save something (you) likely can't save. The more you do this the more she will back away, she will continue to lose respect for you.

 

You are all in but this is a “couples” Issue not just “your” issue.

 

I don’t know your complete dynamic, just stating from what you put here.

The other glaring concern, in the above paragraph you did not mention the kids. I’m being blunt here the kids should be your most important focus. My gut says she is checking out and if that is the case concentrate on the kids overall welfare. In a year she might not be in your life but your kids will be.

 

Maybe someone will focus on something else but my initial observations.

 

Good Luck

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I did use a lot of "I's", in my post. That was because I only have control over myself. She has to make the choices and efforts for her decision. I could go on about what she needs to do to help make this relationship work, (and what her short comings are), but that wouldn't seem to benefit our situation, right now. I know I want it to work, and I am willing to try. I have control over that. Hopefully she feels the same, but that is her journey in this. .... I can elaborate about her end more, if it will help paint a clearer picture??

 

In regards to the kids. It is heart wrenching for me to think about. Our children are from previous marriages, so they have been through breakups before. I am speaking for my partner, but they are without a doubt our main priority. I know that is weighing heavily on her, especially considering how she and her son would be making the largest life change, in regards to our home, finances and friend circle. It crushes me to think about :(

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OP, listen to Larry and Reread it over and over again.

 

It was selfish of the both of you to blend your families so quickly.

 

You were both still in the infatuation stage when you moved in. Now that she's gotten to know you she's having her doubts. I've done this with many a bf...after a year I start rethinking the relationship and I always ended it. She may feel stuck now because of the kids.

 

Sigh. I wish people would put some breaks on in the early stages.

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Generally people who often say "I" are less powerful and less sure of themselves. Frequent "I" users subconsciously believe they are subordinate to the person to whom they are talking. You are seemingly forcing all of this effort to save something (you) likely can't save. The more you do this the more she will back away, she will continue to lose respect for you.

 

You are all in but this is a “couples” Issue not just “your” issue.

 

 

My confidence level is definitely above average. I am very sure of myself, and not even remotely subordinate by nature. That may be some of or issue. We are both strong willed, dominate people, me being even more so. I agree with you whole heartedly that this is a "couples" issue. Our problems are clear. Now, how do I go about addressing them? How do I bring her on board? How do I extend the proverbial olive branch, so that we can work together on fixing our relationship? That's the advice I need. How do I get the process started, if it is even possible to reel it back in?

 

Ps: I appreciate your input greatly.

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How do I extend the proverbial olive branch, so that we can work together on fixing our relationship?

 

D: you simply need to be blunt and say do you want this relationship to continue and are you willing to work on it. No passive aggressive, side stepping, TV drama crap and don’t patronize her either.

 

The thing is if she hesitates, skirts away from the issue you have to be ready to accept that and move on, and I mean move on for your kids’ sake, not to sound crass but you too frankly won’t survive this kids should never take a back seat to an already flaky dicey “romance.”

 

I hope I’m wrong, Good relationships are cool, only time will tell. I'm voicing what I am for the kids who always get screwed by these things in the long run.

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It was selfish of the both of you to blend your families so quickly.

 

 

 

I am aware that my partner and I should have been MUCH more careful, with the involvement of our children, in this relationship. We shouldn't have moved so fast. My hindsight is crystal clear on that, and I have learned a valuable life lesson. But, the fact of the matter is, there is no going back to change things, so my choice is to move forward....

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And another thing. Soulmates?

 

Egads!!!!! How old are you?

 

 

Old enough that I should have known better to move slowly into a relationship. I take it you are not a fan of the phrase?

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Cinnamonstix
Old enough that I should have known better to move slowly into a relationship. I take it you are not a fan of the phrase?

 

I think it's cute and romantic to think of your partner as a soulmate, even if you don't really believe in soulmates per se. It just describes a rare and true connection that you don't come across often in your life. The only danger in that belief is if you won't let go despite the fact that you and your mate cannot seem to forge a healthy relationship.

 

Since it sounds the onus is on both of you for where you are now, you can't do much without her willing participation in the repair. She sounds all but checked out. Hopefully it is temporary and your changes might be enough to rouse her belief in the relationship again.

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I think she first need counseling for herself, on her own, to figure out herself.

 

You cannot function in a relationship if you don't understand the cause of your own inner turmoil.

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Once feelings change, it's difficult to change them back again. Ideally, you deal with problems before feelings change.

 

You can only suggest that you try counselling or something and see what her response is. If she seems like she can't be bothered, then is there any point? Surely you want to be with someone who feels more motivated?

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About the soulmate.

 

I feel it's an expression you use after having spent a life time with someone, not 1,5 year.

 

After 20-30-50 years together you can say she is your soulmate.

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Haha..... just to clarify, "soulmates" was a word choice. Let me rephrase it and say, We both thought we found someone who was very special and would be an everlasting and integral part of each others lives.....better?

 

In regards to how checked out she is, I am not sure. I feel that perhaps I oversold it slightly though. She may indeed have one foot out the door, or perhaps she was giving me a wake-up call. At no point did she imply that she was leaving or that we were not moving forward. She just expressed, "unhappy and unsure of our future". Either way, it's not good. :(

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I am guessing that the bickering and jabs and passive aggressive behavior has worn her down.

 

I suggest giving her space. The more you come at her to "work on the relationship" the more it will push her away.

 

So I would stop the need to always be right, jabs, etc., and give her a chance to breath and think a little.

 

I would just say to her, "I can sense that you need a little space right now so I want to respect that". You guys moved fast in the beginning so giving her some space is a good way for her to process her feelings. The hope is she will miss you and begin to reach out back to you. You need her coming towards you.

 

And you giving her this space shows some really great character traits like confidence, respect, self absurdness.

 

Plan some more guy times with friends. Go to a baseball game, camping, whatever.

 

It seems counter intuitive to pull back, but your real hope here is for her to miss you and realize what she has in you. Let her get just a little taste of what life would be like without you.

 

And do this without breaking down or acting needy, etc. Be strong. It may be your best hope.

 

Good luck!

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