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Share Your Experience: For Those Who Had a D-Day...


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Like many here, I've read these boards for awhile without having posted. I've gone through many of the stories here due to a need/desire to understand myself and what I'm going through. You guys don't know me (yet), but I know many of you from your own threads as well as your replies to others. I don't feel ready to post my experience yet - but I do hope that soon I will. The community here feels like an invaluable mix of empathy and understanding, along with a tough-love slap in the face with reality from those who always keep it real and say it like it is. Both aspects are indispensable.

 

Anyway...for those who've been involved in a longterm affair, I would really appreciate some insight and/or feedback on what others have gone through post D-day.

 

1. After getting caught, did you immediately go to NC, LC, or simply continue communicating while taking things further underground?

 

2A. For those who continued contact, how did things CHANGE between you and your AP post D-Day? If you two were in love, did that remain intact or did you feel more distant? Lower or same frequency of speaking and seeing each other? Did your AP show the same amount of desire for talking and/or meeting, or did you feel like you were the one initiating and holding on? How did he or she treat you?

2B. For those who went NC or LC, which of you made the decision? And how long did it take YOU personally to "recover" from the affair and feel able to focus on other parts of your life, move on, feel happy, etc? (I know this a very personal thing and differs for everyone.)

 

3. Again for those who kept on: WHY keep going after getting busted?? How long did your affair continue past D-Day? Did you experience mood swings or anxiety during this time? If yours was a PA, how did sex with AP feel post D-Day? (Less intimate, the same as before, regretful, etc...)

 

4. If you continued...do you regret it? Do you wish you had ended it once and for all when you got caught?

 

That's quite a few questions... feel free to reply on as little or as much as you'd like. I'm also open to any stories in general that people want to share about what they went thru after D-Day... it's not limited to my questions. Please share your experiences with me. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your (often difficult) stories and time. Somehow, while going through such a chaotic whirlwind of emotions, hearing what others went through feels so essential. I really just want to hear from you guys.

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I - MOW, him - MM

 

1. We stayed in LC.

2A. The "relationship" went bad. I wanted the same amount of communication as before DD, he couldn't provide it, and things between us got strained. We definitely became more distant. The LC went from an email a day to one a week. Also, we would see each other once a week, but just for coffee. His desire to communicate in any way was definitely diminishing, while I was still holding on to the A. He was always nice, with a few exceptions, when my growing anxiety pushed him to say some mean things.

2B. Finally, we went into NC. He said he wasn't ever coming back and has not contacted me since. I did break this first NC though. He spoke to me, but told me he was determined to save his marriage and to not contact him ever again. We are in NC again. It has been months now and I have not recovered one bit. There are some good days, when I'm hopeful for my recovery, but, most of the time, I'm really struggling.

3. In our case, he was the one who got caught. My H doesn't know. So, why stay? Blame it on the affair fog, I guess. We were both desperate to stay in each other's lives, no matter what. It was the worst of times for me - depression, anxiety, anger, despair, hopelessness, frustration... I don't know about him. We had sex only one time after DD and it was just terrible.

4. I regret not ending it right after DD. I wanted to, but he begged me to be there for him. From the stronger person in the relationship, I became the weaker and desperate one. It was painful watching him moving on, while I was becoming dispensable.

I don't know your situation, but my advice is to act with self-respect and dignity, and do what's best for you.

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Lady Hamilton

1. Um... He said NC, but it lasted about 30 seconds. So, in reality, we continued on. Kind of underground, but honestly, not really. His wife knew that, despite saying we were NC, that we really weren't.

 

 

2. He felt guiltier than before D-day, mostly because she was in his ear about how much her life had been ruined and because of how she was acting. Since we did ultimately divorce our spouses and marry each other, the love did remain intact and grow, even during the NC periods. However, there were periods where we felt more distant than others. Again, usually during the NC periods. Our NC/breaks never lasted long, and almost always ended when one of us (usually him) panicked at feeling distant and not enjoying it. And his desire level remained pretty even... After D-day, he really went overtime in trying to get to see me. Again, except for NC periods, during which he "accidentally" ran into me frequently.

 

 

I, on the flipside, was generally irked and wanted to be left alone during NC. I operated under the methodology that, if he wanted NC, then he should relocate to Mars because I had zero patience for it.

 

 

3. Because we loved each other. Because after she found out and I left, there was really nothing to lose in continuing. He said he wanted to leave, so if he was caught and thrown out, that wasn't exactly a problem. The reason he didn't leave earlier was because she didn't want him gone yet and he wasn't ready to face down that prospect/fight at the time.

 

 

As to the sex question, I don't generally answer questions along those lines. I will say that I think sexual experience is fluid depending on a variety of situations and we've not had a lull in satisfaction or intimacy since our affair became physical. There was a period of time that, again, lasted for about 30 seconds where he said he was NC with me, told me he was leaving and came back, we were intimate, then almost immediately after he said he felt guilty and that he shouldn't have broken NC. I said "fine" and chucked him out. I think that was our longest NC and it wasn't broken until he actually left and moved out.

 

4. I regret parts of it, but not the affair itself. It's a strange question to answer because I do wish we'd waited until he and I had left our marriages to start our relationship and I regret we didn't have that conventional dating/introduction period that most do. But, on the flip side, he wouldn't have divorced if it weren't for the affair. I'm not sure either of us want to contemplate what that would have meant for him. He was abused by her and the degree of the abuse was something I hadn't realized until very, very recently. At the time, I knew of incidents and saw a few, but I didn't realize the full scope of it all.

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Solonely, thank you SO much for replying. My god, some of the things you wrote resonate SO strongly with what I am going through... others, well, they are probably a very dismal but honest look into my future.

 

As a side note, Solonely... it seems like he has a lot of repairing left to do in his broken marriage right now. I wonder whether, like many MM tend to do (from all the stories I've read here), he'll be reaching out to you again once things at home are "settled." Should that happen, I hope you manage to stay strong and remember all the misery you felt after DD. Only you know in your heart what's best for you.

 

I just read the first post on the thread you started with your story and my heart broke the entire time. Especially the part where you summarize the changes in what he was saying to you. You mentioned you haven't recovered one bit - any insight as to why? Do you think you are (even way wayyyy subconsciously) still hopeful or in some way holding on?

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What_Did_I_Do

Me - frmr MOW

 

1. D-Day on my side. EA but still absolutely devastating for my xH. Initially LC...xH threatened to tell MM's BS but never did. MM wanted to run far and fast from me but I hung on. Pleaded and bargained. After the dust settled we resumed underground.

 

2A. Then emotions strengthened. Couldn't (didn't want to) live without each other. That lasted for a year or so then the bickering started.

 

3. We had entered into this A with an agreement we would be together. We set a timeline for when we both were leaving the M's and would start dating in the real world after that. We only had sex once I was separated.

 

4. H*ll ya. Every single moment.

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1. Um... He said NC, but it lasted about 30 seconds. So, in reality, we continued on. Kind of underground, but honestly, not really. His wife knew that, despite saying we were NC, that we really weren't.

 

Lady Hamilton, I've read your posts here before, but it's nice to actually "meet" you and write to you here :)

 

I just want to say it's so great to hear from people like you who've had a success story, because so often it's the people who are brokenhearted with no support that wind up posting here the most. (And I SO appreciate hearing that aspect too; it's just that yours is rarer to come by.) It really does give insight to hear from your perspective; there are a few other posters who wound up with their APs, whose comments I enjoy reading as well.

 

I think the best part about how you handled D-Day and the aftermath is that you remained strong and firm. He wants NC? Okay, fine, get your ass to another planet. You feel guilty about breaking NC to be intimate? Goodbye, get out. Haha. But really, I'm sure he respected and wanted you MORE for your resolve. Cheers to you. It sounds like DD played a part in setting things in motion for you two.

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Lady Hamilton
Lady Hamilton, I've read your posts here before, but it's nice to actually "meet" you and write to you here :)

 

I just want to say it's so great to hear from people like you who've had a success story, because so often it's the people who are brokenhearted with no support that wind up posting here the most. (And I SO appreciate hearing that aspect too; it's just that yours is rarer to come by.) It really does give insight to hear from your perspective; there are a few other posters who wound up with their APs, whose comments I enjoy reading as well.

 

I think the best part about how you handled D-Day and the aftermath is that you remained strong and firm. He wants NC? Okay, fine, get your ass to another planet. You feel guilty about breaking NC to be intimate? Goodbye, get out. Haha. But really, I'm sure he respected and wanted you MORE for your resolve. Cheers to you. It sounds like DD played a part in setting things in motion for you two.

 

Nice to meet you too. :D

 

I'm not sure that is label us a "success story" because we ended up together and are happy. Between "affair" and "marriage" there were a lot of tears, broken hearts (for all of us), things said that couldn't be unsaid, incidents, and a couple of really sucky suck years. Even now that we are married and happy, things are far from perfect. We fight about bills, crazy bleep his ex does, and have our fair share of uncertainty. He gets upset having to deal with her so often and that, if her illness isn't regulated, that interactions with her are... Difficult. I get upset that her hand is constantly in his wallet and, despite the divorce, legally she is financial priority #1 according to the family courts (child support).

 

We have survived stuff that I think most people divorce over, yet come out stronger. But holy schnike it was not and is not easy.

 

As for how I handled NC, I didn't do it that way with the intent of winning him back or being more desirable. I did it because, after being burned so much, I didn't care about the excuses anymore. I was mad and hurt and I just wanted him to be where I wasn't. I think for him this really was an exit affair, which makes things different than your standard affair, and because his ex was abusive it further incentivized both his wanting to leave and the struggle he had in staying gone. I think a combination of factors made us the exception, not the rule.

 

So in a way, saying "hey, Lady Hamilton is a success story" is like hearing that because played Russian roulette and didn't get shot in the face, I'm a success. The reality our affair had some extenuating circumstances and through dumb luck, resolve, and an extraordinary amount of commitment, we managed to jot totally screw up our lives. I do appreciate the compliment in the spirit it was offered and I'm glad you felt connected to the story and happy to see at least one person with a different outcome, but it's still very surreal to hear. :)

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Affairs are like going into a battle with 100k troops, having 40k killed and claiming victory...but who really won? The happiness came on the pain of the "Other" be it former spouses, kids that now have time stolen away from both parents.

 

This is a very interesting topic BTW.

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I - MOW, him - MM

 

1. We stayed in LC.

2A. The "relationship" went bad. I wanted the same amount of communication as before DD, he couldn't provide it, and things between us got strained. We definitely became more distant. The LC went from an email a day to one a week. Also, we would see each other once a week, but just for coffee. His desire to communicate in any way was definitely diminishing, while I was still holding on to the A. He was always nice, with a few exceptions, when my growing anxiety pushed him to say some mean things.

2B. Finally, we went into NC. He said he wasn't ever coming back and has not contacted me since. I did break this first NC though. He spoke to me, but told me he was determined to save his marriage and to not contact him ever again. We are in NC again. It has been months now and I have not recovered one bit. There are some good days, when I'm hopeful for my recovery, but, most of the time, I'm really struggling.

3. In our case, he was the one who got caught. My H doesn't know. So, why stay? Blame it on the affair fog, I guess. We were both desperate to stay in each other's lives, no matter what. It was the worst of times for me - depression, anxiety, anger, despair, hopelessness, frustration... I don't know about him. We had sex only one time after DD and it was just terrible.

4. I regret not ending it right after DD. I wanted to, but he begged me to be there for him. From the stronger person in the relationship, I became the weaker and desperate one. It was painful watching him moving on, while I was becoming dispensable.

I don't know your situation, but my advice is to act with self-respect and dignity, and do what's best for you.

 

So sorry you're struggling, Solonely. I remember your story. Maybe you should update your old thread so you'll get supported on your journey?

It WILL get better, it absolutely will. I am living proof of it, I never thought I'd live through the devastation, yet I did.

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RecentChange

 

1. After getting caught, did you immediately go to NC, LC, or simply continue communicating while taking things further underground?

 

Immediately went No Contact, beyond a glance when we happen to be passing on the street, we have stayed totally no contact since D Day.

 

 

2B. For those who went NC or LC, which of you made the decision? And how long did it take YOU personally to "recover" from the affair and feel able to focus on other parts of your life, move on, feel happy, etc? (I know this a very personal thing and differs for everyone.)

 

As for who's choice, kinda mine, as I am the one who had a D Day (course, he may have had one as well, I will never know), but he has never attempted to contact me - it was known that if it got blown out of the water it was totally over.

 

Ours was a "PA" vs. an "EA", and stopping contact was easy, as our contact was already sporadic before D Day.

 

As for recovery, I think it took a month or two before it wasn't in the front of my mind any more. But it wasn't about "him" or missing him or anything, just, the shake up of my world! Things are settling into a "new normal" and I dare to say, things are better now than they have been in many many years.

 

Despite the damage, the affair was a wake up call, a kick in the pants, a time for reassessing - and my relationship is better now than I could have imagined it being.

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Immediately went No Contact, beyond a glance when we happen to be passing on the street, we have stayed totally no contact since D Day.

 

 

 

 

As for who's choice, kinda mine, as I am the one who had a D Day (course, he may have had one as well, I will never know), but he has never attempted to contact me - it was known that if it got blown out of the water it was totally over.

 

Ours was a "PA" vs. an "EA", and stopping contact was easy, as our contact was already sporadic before D Day.

 

As for recovery, I think it took a month or two before it wasn't in the front of my mind any more. But it wasn't about "him" or missing him or anything, just, the shake up of my world! Things are settling into a "new normal" and I dare to say, things are better now than they have been in many many years.

 

Despite the damage, the affair was a wake up call, a kick in the pants, a time for reassessing - and my relationship is better now than I could have imagined it being.

your affair was very different them most, it was almost like a business deal very much NSA extra. Most the women are far more emotionally invested. In many ways I felt like (as you told your story) that you did it to get your main attention and focus with a small part if revenge, and had every intention of being found out. You were and have been one of the most honest and self aware WW's on this broad.
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Solonely, thank you SO much for replying. My god, some of the things you wrote resonate SO strongly with what I am going through... others, well, they are probably a very dismal but honest look into my future.

 

As a side note, Solonely... it seems like he has a lot of repairing left to do in his broken marriage right now. I wonder whether, like many MM tend to do (from all the stories I've read here), he'll be reaching out to you again once things at home are "settled." Should that happen, I hope you manage to stay strong and remember all the misery you felt after DD. Only you know in your heart what's best for you.

 

I just read the first post on the thread you started with your story and my heart broke the entire time. Especially the part where you summarize the changes in what he was saying to you. You mentioned you haven't recovered one bit - any insight as to why? Do you think you are (even way wayyyy subconsciously) still hopeful or in some way holding on?

 

 

Hi, ZBA.

I really like the questions you're posing. They are very important. You are doing the right thing reaching out for advice and insight from people who have been through a similar situation. Before discovering LS, I was dealing with post-DD completely on my own and made a lot of mistakes, being led, in all my words and actions, solely by my emotional state, which was a mess.

To answer your questions, I don't think he is coming back. Yes, many do, but I'm pretty sure he won't. From how I know him, he is very stubborn and once he makes up his mind, that's it, I've seen it. To be honest though, if he calls me today and wants me back, I will return. I am not over it at all.

In regards to why I can't seem to move on, it is a mess. Here are my reasons: 1) I am not sure there was a DD. It is weird to me that his W was never interested in finding out who I am. This makes me constantly wonder what really happened and I can't find peace. Did he just get tired of me and invent DD? Was it just a DD scare that opened his eyes? Did he meet anyone else? These questions don't leave me alone. 2) I thought I had found real happiness with him, after many years of being miserable, and the A's end unlocked many old wounds. 3) I can't get over the feeling of abandonment. I still can't understand his complete lack of empathy. 4) I fell from a great height and it is painful. If it were a toxic A, I would have been over it by now, but when things were so perfect, you feel this immense loss and hopelessness. 5) Seeing him moving on so fast has not been helpful either. 6) Lastly, yes, I am still holding on to him. I am a mess.

I hope that you won't have to go through all this. :)

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Nice to meet you too. :D

 

I'm not sure that is label us a "success story" because we ended up together and are happy. Between "affair" and "marriage" there were a lot of tears, broken hearts (for all of us), things said that couldn't be unsaid, incidents, and a couple of really sucky suck years. Even now that we are married and happy, things are far from perfect. We fight about bills, crazy bleep his ex does, and have our fair share of uncertainty. He gets upset having to deal with her so often and that, if her illness isn't regulated, that interactions with her are... Difficult. I get upset that her hand is constantly in his wallet and, despite the divorce, legally she is financial priority #1 according to the family courts (child support).

 

We have survived stuff that I think most people divorce over, yet come out stronger. But holy schnike it was not and is not easy.

 

As for how I handled NC, I didn't do it that way with the intent of winning him back or being more desirable. I did it because, after being burned so much, I didn't care about the excuses anymore. I was mad and hurt and I just wanted him to be where I wasn't. I think for him this really was an exit affair, which makes things different than your standard affair, and because his ex was abusive it further incentivized both his wanting to leave and the struggle he had in staying gone. I think a combination of factors made us the exception, not the rule.

 

So in a way, saying "hey, Lady Hamilton is a success story" is like hearing that because played Russian roulette and didn't get shot in the face, I'm a success. The reality our affair had some extenuating circumstances and through dumb luck, resolve, and an extraordinary amount of commitment, we managed to jot totally screw up our lives. I do appreciate the compliment in the spirit it was offered and I'm glad you felt connected to the story and happy to see at least one person with a different outcome, but it's still very surreal to hear. :)

 

Good point. Of course, by "success story," I mean more along the lines of... Yes, there was destruction along the way, bridges were burned and the aftermath continues to be a very real presence in your lives. HOWEVER, in the face of the brutal realness of problems that may have arisen - both as a consequence of your affair AND just regular issues any couple may face - you guys continue to be a true unit and something that survives outside of the affair bubble. That same bubble that seems to burst so easily for MOST others. So to that: much respect. You definitely have your head on straight and have stuck with your decision thru the best and worst of it.

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Me - frmr MOW

 

1. D-Day on my side. EA but still absolutely devastating for my xH. Initially LC...xH threatened to tell MM's BS but never did. MM wanted to run far and fast from me but I hung on. Pleaded and bargained. After the dust settled we resumed underground.

 

2A. Then emotions strengthened. Couldn't (didn't want to) live without each other. That lasted for a year or so then the bickering started.

 

3. We had entered into this A with an agreement we would be together. We set a timeline for when we both were leaving the M's and would start dating in the real world after that. We only had sex once I was separated.

 

4. H*ll ya. Every single moment.

 

WDID - wow, so your affair continued underground for an entire year? Was that not excruciating?! Please tell me what that period was like. You mentioned initial LC - for how long? And did you guys have more frequent contact and visits once the "dust settled" at home, so to speak? Were their periods you guys went inexplicably silent, or was your A able to feel as close and intense as before DD?

 

 

You mentioned being separated. Did you divorce your H and wind up with your MM? I'm on my phone and it's a little tough to sift through post history.

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Hi, ZBA.

I really like the questions you're posing. They are very important. You are doing the right thing reaching out for advice and insight from people who have been through a similar situation. Before discovering LS, I was dealing with post-DD completely on my own and made a lot of mistakes, being led, in all my words and actions, solely by my emotional state, which was a mess.

To answer your questions, I don't think he is coming back. Yes, many do, but I'm pretty sure he won't. From how I know him, he is very stubborn and once he makes up his mind, that's it, I've seen it. To be honest though, if he calls me today and wants me back, I will return. I am not over it at all.

In regards to why I can't seem to move on, it is a mess. Here are my reasons: 1) I am not sure there was a DD. It is weird to me that his W was never interested in finding out who I am. This makes me constantly wonder what really happened and I can't find peace. Did he just get tired of me and invent DD? Was it just a DD scare that opened his eyes? Did he meet anyone else? These questions don't leave me alone. 2) I thought I had found real happiness with him, after many years of being miserable, and the A's end unlocked many old wounds. 3) I can't get over the feeling of abandonment. I still can't understand his complete lack of empathy. 4) I fell from a great height and it is painful. If it were a toxic A, I would have been over it by now, but when things were so perfect, you feel this immense loss and hopelessness. 5) Seeing him moving on so fast has not been helpful either. 6) Lastly, yes, I am still holding on to him. I am a mess.

I hope that you won't have to go through all this. :)

 

Solonely, first of all, I'm reading through your thread page by page - in pieces when I have downtime - and am mesmerized both by the feelings you've expressed, and the words of wisdom/empathy from others. I can't express enough how much I feel for you.

 

 

Oddly enough, I started reading loveshack long before disaster struck. It was an almost-obsessive need to understand myself, analyze my situation and WHY I'm in it - and look to others going thru their own situations. Whether those situations were vastly different or echoed my own. In all that time of reading, I never thought I'd find myself where I am today.

 

 

As for your thoughts: 1) if there was no DD, and things were still just peachy and fine and rewarding for you both, why would he just stop? People in an A (especially at its peak) don't seem to cut off that reward source as long as they can get away with it, IMO. 2) I understand your feeling. You were lacking something for so long, realized how essential it was to you once you found it elsewhere, only to have it taken away again. Gutting. 3) I think this is the hardest part. How can you feel so distant from someone who may have felt like EVERYTHING to you at one time? You start to rely on that person and the feeling of having them. 4) This I strongly, STRONGLY identify with. It would probably feel easier if the affair somehow ran out its course or fizzled out slowly, right? But to have it end when things are at their best? Ugh. 5) I know this part sucks immensely but don't assume it's easier for him. Everyone experiences triggers. And you never truly know what's going on inside for him or his daily struggles. Part of him repairing his marriage is doubtless masking his weak moments and pain regarding the A from others - ESPECIALLY you. 6) Worst feeling, I know :(

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Lady Hamilton
Good point. Of course, by "success story," I mean more along the lines of... Yes, there was destruction along the way, bridges were burned and the aftermath continues to be a very real presence in your lives. HOWEVER, in the face of the brutal realness of problems that may have arisen - both as a consequence of your affair AND just regular issues any couple may face - you guys continue to be a true unit and something that survives outside of the affair bubble. That same bubble that seems to burst so easily for MOST others. So to that: much respect. You definitely have your head on straight and have stuck with your decision thru the best and worst of it.

 

Well, after so totally and articulately explaining things so well, I fully understand your perspective as well as taking on a new perspective in a way I hadn't really considered until now.

 

So, thank you for both the compliment, and for an interesting way of perceiving the post-affair relationship in a way I hadn't thought of. The feelings of respect are mutual, for sure. Not to sound like a cocky butt, but I thought I'd heard it all, so to confront the fact there is new perspective out there is very... I don't know. It makes me happy to have new ways to think.

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Well, after so totally and articulately explaining things so well, I fully understand your perspective as well as taking on a new perspective in a way I hadn't really considered until now.

 

So, thank you for both the compliment, and for an interesting way of perceiving the post-affair relationship in a way I hadn't thought of. The feelings of respect are mutual, for sure. Not to sound like a cocky butt, but I thought I'd heard it all, so to confront the fact there is new perspective out there is very... I don't know. It makes me happy to have new ways to think.

 

Lady Hamilton...aww... and I, too, am flattered that my way of looking at things may have impacted yours in some small way. These boards are always a revelation. We come from very different experiences and perspectives but that's why it's so very important to encounter one another and mold our way of thinking. Thank you again for sharing your story with me. Hearing what others have gone through is the only way I'm able to cope for the time being.

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Immediately went No Contact, beyond a glance when we happen to be passing on the street, we have stayed totally no contact since D Day.

 

 

 

 

As for who's choice, kinda mine, as I am the one who had a D Day (course, he may have had one as well, I will never know), but he has never attempted to contact me - it was known that if it got blown out of the water it was totally over.

 

Ours was a "PA" vs. an "EA", and stopping contact was easy, as our contact was already sporadic before D Day.

 

As for recovery, I think it took a month or two before it wasn't in the front of my mind any more. But it wasn't about "him" or missing him or anything, just, the shake up of my world! Things are settling into a "new normal" and I dare to say, things are better now than they have been in many many years.

 

Despite the damage, the affair was a wake up call, a kick in the pants, a time for reassessing - and my relationship is better now than I could have imagined it being.

 

I envy your situation in a way. Not that any D-Day is anything less than disastrous... or anything worth envying. But the fact that you weren't emotionally invested must have made it easier to truly disconnect and move on. Yours definitely seems like a rare case! Happy to hear things are looking up.

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That's quite a few questions... feel free to reply on as little or as much as you'd like. I'm also open to any stories in general that people want to share about what they went thru after D-Day... it's not limited to my questions. Please share your experiences with me. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your (often difficult) stories and time. Somehow, while going through such a chaotic whirlwind of emotions, hearing what others went through feels so essential. I really just want to hear from you guys.

 

 

Like almost everybody's Dday, mine was rough. I told my wife ... (a huge mistake, BTW) ..... Particularly that I have since learned that some 80 percent of affairs are never discovered.

 

My wife was initially angry and indignant and she thought I told her to hurt her. She said she wished she had found out from a stranger rather than me.

 

With counseling she came to see her part in the marital disconnect.

 

Our marriage is now vastly improved. I would even say it is a FAR better marriage than before Dday.

 

That is one of the reasons I post here. I want people to know that a marriage can be better after an affair, not worse.

 

Not all the time, and it depends on many factors, but in many cases marriages can be improved after an affair because it's a wake up call to both spouses.

 

Of course it helps if your spouse is reasonable, normal and capable of seeing their own faults and negative behaviors.

 

Because of the ensuing counseling, My wife and I both communicate better, and we actually work on the marriage daily.

 

IMO, a lot of people do not realize that a marriage needs to be tended to.

 

My wife now realizes that intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage. A high percentage of men cheat because of a lack of intimacy.

 

Before my affair, I was seriously considering divorce. It seemed like my only other option, after ending the affair.

 

Also, during the affair, my wife and I fought less. Most likely because I was getting sex and lack of sex makes men grouchy. So that was a positive, but I did not like having an affair.

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I envy your situation in a way. Not that any D-Day is anything less than disastrous... or anything worth envying. But the fact that you weren't emotionally invested must have made it easier to truly disconnect and move on. Yours definitely seems like a rare case! Happy to hear things are looking up.

 

D Day certainly wasn't a walk in the park, but yes, I think it was easier, and the whole aftermath was much less difficult than many I read on here, because I never let my emotions get involved with the other man.

 

I came to LS before my D Day - had to get my secret affair off my chest. There were those who said I was lying, that I HAD to be in an emotional affair, there were those who decided I was cold, calculated and heartless, many didn't understand or accept my angle. It wasn't until LS did I learn I was such an outlier!

 

Perhaps it was calculated, but keeping my heart out of it was VERY deliberate. It was something I was constantly conscious of. I was not going to let my heart and emotions run away in this, because it was already bad, but that would make it even worse.

 

Knowing that it was purely a physical affair, and not one of the heart also made it much easier for my husband to accept. He knows me well enough to know I was telling him the truth when I said I didn't love the OM, that I never got emotionally involved with him, and yes, that I could quite literally drop him like a bad habit (although it took some time and rebuilding of trust before he really believed the last part).

 

D Day was hard. Walking away from the Other Man was easy.

 

I will admit to one "emotional" component of my affair - while we never expressed any feelings for each other, we both recognized and expressed that we enjoyed the way we made each other feel about OURSELVES.

 

So while I never found myself pining for HIM, I did at first missed the high he made me feel. Does that make any sense?

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Like almost everybody's Dday, mine was rough. I told my wife ... (a huge mistake, BTW) ..... Particularly that I have since learned that some 80 percent of affairs are never discovered.

 

My wife was initially angry and indignant and she thought I told her to hurt her. She said she wished she had found out from a stranger rather than me.

 

With counseling she came to see her part in the marital disconnect.

 

Our marriage is now vastly improved. I would even say it is a FAR better marriage than before Dday.

 

That is one of the reasons I post here. I want people to know that a marriage can be better after an affair, not worse.

 

Not all the time, and it depends on many factors, but in many cases marriages can be improved after an affair because it's a wake up call to both spouses.

 

Of course it helps if your spouse is reasonable, normal and capable of seeing their own faults and negative behaviors.

 

Because of the ensuing counseling, My wife and I both communicate better, and we actually work on the marriage daily.

 

IMO, a lot of people do not realize that a marriage needs to be tended to.

 

My wife now realizes that intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage. A high percentage of men cheat because of a lack of intimacy.

 

Before my affair, I was seriously considering divorce. It seemed like my only other option, after ending the affair.

 

Also, during the affair, my wife and I fought less. Most likely because I was getting sex and lack of sex makes men grouchy. So that was a positive, but I did not like having an affair.

 

Thank you for sharing this perspective, Liam. May I ask what brought you to tell your wife about the affair?

 

Also, was it difficult to detach from your affair? Were you emotionally invested, or what was that experience like?

 

It's uplifting to hear you had a positive result and overall better awareness of your marriage come out of a negative situation.

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Thank you for sharing this perspective, Liam. May I ask what brought you to tell your wife about the affair?

 

Also, was it difficult to detach from your affair? Were you emotionally invested, or what was that experience like?

 

It's uplifting to hear you had a positive result and overall better awareness of your marriage come out of a negative situation.

 

Hi ZBA:

 

To answer your intelligent and kindly stated questions:

 

I had already ended the affair. I told my wife because a number of people I turned to for advice insisted that telling my wife about the affair would be the best thing to do.

 

In my case, it was not a positive and it introduced a negative that took a long time to resolve.

 

I really do think my wife is telling the truth when she says that she felt it would be less hurtful for someone else to enlighten her.

 

It took her a long time to stop questioning my motive for telling her.

 

In the end my FOW ended up stalking us both, so she would have found out eventually. But she insists she would have preferred to have found out from the OW.

 

No, I did not have any trouble going NC.

 

As another poster mentioned, I liked the way the affair partner made me feel in the moment, but I was never in love with her.

 

I was not looking for love. I was only looking for a relationship with a normal sexual component.

 

When the OW asked if I was interested in having an affair with her, I agreed mainly because she was not someone with whom I felt intellectually or emotionally compatible.

 

Also, I did not think she was as attractive as my wife.

 

She was pleasant looking but more importantly, she, at least initially, seemed to only want a no strings affair.

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We had a dday on his side at the point he started discussing divorce. We ended and went LC at my request while he figured out what he wanted to do as continuing the affair was not an option (for me). We got back together when they separated and he moved out, we married a few years later and just had our first child together.

 

It was a long hard road but things are pretty good now. We hang out with my ex husband and his wife and kids, we have been to different kid functions and interacted with his ex wife, and everyone is enamored with our kiddo. We hope that things will continue to move along in this vein.

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WDID - wow, so your affair continued underground for an entire year? Was that not excruciating?! Please tell me what that period was like. You mentioned initial LC - for how long? And did you guys have more frequent contact and visits once the "dust settled" at home, so to speak? Were their periods you guys went inexplicably silent, or was your A able to feel as close and intense as before DD?

 

 

You mentioned being separated. Did you divorce your H and wind up with your MM? I'm on my phone and it's a little tough to sift through post history.

 

 

The D-Day happened years ago so the traumatic events have blurred a bit since then. I now see the EA was my exit affair. xH was willing to reconcile but I had no love left for him..years before the A began. I handled that so incredibly poorly.

 

LC lasted for a month or so. Never NC (with the exception of a couple a royal fights where the longest NC was 3 days). The underground period was a quite like walking through a mine field. Never knew when or if another bomb would detonate. We were both constantly on edge but would not stay away from each other. Feelings intensified.

 

H and I split years ago but it's likely he already had someone waiting in the wings. Was gone "out of town" a lot LOL.

 

MM and I are still together. Still planning his exit date in a time frame we both set. Whether it happens or not, who knows. Highly unlikely from what I read on LS here and as a result, I'm half-heartedly attempting OLD just in case MM bails. Though he'd dump me in a New York minute if he ever found out I was communicating with other men. Crazy. It's all freaking crazy.

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If by "DDay" you include disclosure as well as discovery, then we had one. My H (fMM) disclosed the A to the xBW as she did not believe him when he told her he would be leaving as soon as he found somewhere suitable to move to with the kids.

 

She chose not to believe him about the A, either. After all, "who would want him"? He was "lucky" to have her! "No one" could possibly want him - he was <insert litany of insults and complaints>. So he stopped trying to convince her, just got on with finding a suitable home, and moved out with the kids.

 

Yes, we continued during this time. It was LDR, so contact was limited by that anyway, but it was as frequent and intense as ever. The first place was a bit small - he took it because they were so desperate to leave - but he soon found a bigger, better place, and they settled in there happily and I joined them later after tying up my own loose ends.

 

She did eventually have to accept that there was "someone else" when my physical presence became undeniable, but that did not stop her from trying to win him back. It was all a bit cringeworthy actually.

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