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why would a divorced middle aged guy want to remarry


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tinkerbell16

So ok... here is why I ask. I am a middle aged divorced woman and out in the dating world and I am seeing a trend of the men in the "pool" that are divorced, some financially hit by divorce and claiming they will never marry again. Now I am a financially sound, divorced woman with grown, independent children who still believes in marriage but is starting to see there are few men out there wanting the same. Is marriage in the middle age a lost cause? Are there any men out there who still believe in marriage? If so, what do you see are the benefits of marrying once you have moved past the kids stage and given all the effortless sex out there with hookup sites.

Edited by tinkerbell16
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There are some divorced middle aged men who still believe in marriage. Some that get remarried.

 

However, if a man has options, there is little reason to. It's generally not beneficial for us.

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I don't believe in it, or see any benefits in it.

 

I'm not middle-aged, but I can't see why I would change my mind based on my age.

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The middle aged men I know who've remarried were all quite romantic about it. Love, companionship, and having a partner to grow old with are motivators.

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tinkerbell16
The middle aged men I know who've remarried were all quite romantic about it. Love, companionship, and having a partner to grow old with are motivators.

 

"Uhemmm...Siri... where is the island of romantic men who believe in love and companionship?"

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Lady Hamilton

Life has a funny way of changing.

 

I always wanted to get married, but was ok being single and quite enjoyed dating around, so I always figured a great love would drive me to marry.

 

Then I got married to a nice guy who I liked well enough but we were better suited as friends and we should have known better than to actually marry. Then when we divorced, even though I'd found my forever person with my MM, neither one of us wanted to marry a second time and we swore we never would. We'd be like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell... Happily unmarried together forever.

 

So naturally, we got married.

 

And we are quite happy, even though I'm not sure what happened between "never, ever again" and "What are we doing today? Nothing? So let's get married."

 

Ive stopped trying to figure out life and just sort of go with the flow.

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tinkerbell16
Life has a funny way of changing.

 

I always wanted to get married, but was ok being single and quite enjoyed dating around, so I always figured a great love would drive me to marry.

 

Then I got married to a nice guy who I liked well enough but we were better suited as friends and we should have known better than to actually marry. Then when we divorced, even though I'd found my forever person with my MM, neither one of us wanted to marry a second time and we swore we never would. We'd be like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell... Happily unmarried together forever.

 

So naturally, we got married.

 

And we are quite happy, even though I'm not sure what happened between "never, ever again" and "What are we doing today? Nothing? So let's get married."

 

Ive stopped trying to figure out life and just sort of go with the flow.

 

Glad you got your Kurt! :)))!!! I am also on the fence about it. My traditional base and heart still believes in marriage... my logical side says what's the point? I am sucessful, independent and enjoy aspects of being single. I have a strong and steady amount of interest from the opposite sex lol (and I am not on OLD) but I just can't bring myself to buy into the throw away temporary dating culture I find myself in. Pretty disingenuous :(

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What do you consider middle aged. Some think it's 35+ others 45+? I was once married and narrowly escaped, luckily there was no children from the relationship. I've always said I'd never marry again and the main motivator has always been. If there's a divorce the wife (soon to be ex) typically takes off with the house, car, dog and retirement. All the while the man is cast out like a weeks old takeaway.

 

I know people sign prenups to keep their assets and so on separate in the event of a breakup. But if there's children involved then out come the claws in many cases and the man ends up financially castrated anyway. I'm not saying men shouldn't pay their fair share of course they should. I'm saying I know of a few women that flaunt the fact their ex's are paying for mostly everything while they have a new live in bf taking care of everything else in the former martial home.

 

Maybe I'm jaded? Then again I've got female friends that have reminded me a few times that certain ladies they know put up one front to men and another to their ex's again some flaunt this to other women.

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T-16bullseyeWompRat

If something happens and me and my wife get a divorce, no way in hell im getting married again. No chance, none, nada, zero, not gonna happen.

 

$.02 from a married man.

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I can't tell you how many times I've heard divorced guys swear up and down they will never marry again only to meet someone and remarry.

 

 

It's similar to people saying after a break up they are through with relationships, they will never love again, etc, etc.

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tinkerbell16
What do you consider middle aged. Some think it's 35+ others 45+? I was once married and narrowly escaped, luckily there was no children from the relationship. I've always said I'd never marry again and the main motivator has always been. If there's a divorce the wife (soon to be ex) typically takes off with the house, car, dog and retirement. All the while the man is cast out like a weeks old takeaway.

 

I know people sign prenups to keep their assets and so on separate in the event of a breakup. But if there's children involved then out come the claws in many cases and the man ends up financially castrated anyway. I'm not saying men shouldn't pay their fair share of course they should. I'm saying I know of a few women that flaunt the fact their ex's are paying for mostly everything while they have a new live in bf taking care of everything else in the former martial home.

 

Maybe I'm jaded? Then again I've got female friends that have reminded me a few times that certain ladies they know put up one front to men and another to their ex's again some flaunt this to other women.

 

Hi Longjohn, I can understand that perspective and feel that is the majority of what I see out there. The irony is I probably should be the jaded one. My ex had a mid life crises (that he now regrets) and went batzh*t crazy on me after being together almost 30 years. I am mid 40's. I wanted away from him so badly I walked away with NO alimony. I could have been "taken care" of the rest of my life but I am fully capable of supporting myself and I do. I don't regret walking away with nothing. I knew alimony would keep me mentally tied to him and my mental freedom was more important. I am financially sound, no minor children, willing to sign a pre-nup (hell... more for protecting me and my businesses) so those factors shouldn't be an issue. Just need (not literally) a man who still sees the value in marriage, because with me... it ain't about seeking financial security or popping out babies.

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tinkerbell16
If something happens and me and my wife get a divorce, no way in hell im getting married again. No chance, none, nada, zero, not gonna happen.

 

$.02 from a married man.

 

Because? I am curious of the reasons... hence this post :)

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So ok... here is why I ask. I am a middle aged divorced woman and out in the dating world and I am seeing a trend of the men in the "pool" that are divorced, some financially hit by divorce and claiming they will never marry again. Now I am a financially sound, divorced woman with grown, independent children who still believes in marriage but is starting to see there are few men out there wanting the same. Is marriage in the middle age a lost cause? Are there any men out there who still believe in marriage? If so, what do you see are the benefits of marrying once you have moved past the kids stage and given all the effortless sex out there with hookup sites.

I don't believe that the ceremony or status of marriage holds any particular importance. It's just a social show and an excuse for a big family gathering.

 

However, when someone says he doesnt want to get married, it means they want freedom and no long-term attachment, or they stopped believing it is possible.

 

So in my opinion, if you have the same mindset, it's good, if you don't, go find someone else or you'll be disappointed.

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I think there is a whole lot of hurt, resentment, disappointment and baggage behind the "I'll never get married ever again" stance, so best not to really go there, even if you don't want to get married asap.

 

Some change their mind about relationships as they heal and move on, others just get stuck in a somewhat bitter and cynical mindset.

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salparadise
The middle aged men I know who've remarried were all quite romantic about it. Love, companionship, and having a partner to grow old with are motivators.

 

Absolutely. This is the way I feel about it.

 

I made a poor choice on the first go round. It was a struggle, to say the least. But I do believe in happiness ever after. My parents had it and I want it too. I think I know how to be that kind of partner, and I want a loving companion and confidante... someone who gets me, has high capacity for intimacy and who values companionship and devotion above all else.

 

I believe this is the sweetest gift life has to offer. Love makes the world go round. We're all wired for connection... not everyone is lucky enough to find it, but if you do you're lucky indeed. It's as important to be the right person as to find the right person. The former you can work at and do something about, the latter is less so, but what chance to you have without taking a risk?

 

We only have one life... I want to spend as much of it as possible feeling the connection. I missed on the first try. I have time to try again. I think it will be worth it, and I believe we will get it right.

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tinkerbell16
Absolutely. This is the way I feel about it.

 

I made a poor choice on the first go round. It was a struggle, to say the least. But I do believe in happiness ever after. My parents had it and I want it too. I think I know how to be that kind of partner, and I want a loving companion and confidante... someone who gets me, has high capacity for intimacy and who values companionship and devotion above all else.

 

I believe this is the sweetest gift life has to offer. Love makes the world go round. We're all wired for connection... not everyone is lucky enough to find it, but if you do you're lucky indeed. It's as important to be the right person as to find the right person. The former you can work at and do something about, the latter is less so, but what chance to you have without taking a risk?

 

We only have one life... I want to spend as much of it as possible feeling the connection. I missed on the first try. I have time to try again. I think it will be worth it, and I believe we will get it right.

 

Thanks for sharing your perspective Salparadise. Nice to hear there are some men who still "believe". I do wonder how much influence our parents have on our beliefs... my parents have been happily married for over 60 years!

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GoodOnPaper
I think there is a whole lot of hurt, resentment, disappointment and baggage behind the "I'll never get married ever again" stance, so best not to really go there, even if you don't want to get married asap.

 

Some change their mind about relationships as they heal and move on, others just get stuck in a somewhat bitter and cynical mindset.

 

Agree. Haven't been through it myself, but it's easy to see that the break-up/divorce process is very traumatic for most people. It's not surprising that a lot of men would want to experience some of the "opposite" of their previous life path. Exactly what that means I'm sure would vary a lot from person to person. Since I did virtually everything wrong when I was young and single, I know that if I found myself single again, I would approach women and dating very differently - it would be a long time before marriage could be in the works.

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I think there is a whole lot of hurt, resentment, disappointment and baggage behind the "I'll never get married ever again" stance, so best not to really go there, even if you don't want to get married asap.

 

Some change their mind about relationships as they heal and move on, others just get stuck in a somewhat bitter and cynical mindset.

 

Maybe men are capable of making rational decisions.

 

Some of us were raised to believe in the virtue of marriage. We also wanted love, romance, companionship, family ... to build a life together and live happily ever after. That was our sincere desire and intent when we got married.

 

Experience has a way of giving you perspective. Wisdom.

 

Rather than being caught up in the fairy tale of marriage, I now feel the only reason to marry someone is if you make each others lives better. The whole is greater than its parts. If you're not better off with this person than without them (and vice versa), then you don't need to be married.

 

It's a practical matter.

 

Men today can have love, romance, companionship, sex and everything else a marriage purports to bring without legal documentation binding you to one person.

 

So, the question becomes what would a marriage ceremony do to make my life better?

 

For many of us, the answer is nothing.

 

Thus, we have no need or desire to get married.

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It's totally fair and rational to decide never to marry again, for both women and men.

 

Statistically, men remarry more quickly than women, so there are obviously some men who are willing to remarry.

 

People are different. The men who do remarry, in my personal observation, do so because they strongly value having a partner and remain romantic about love.

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Love makes the world go round.

 

I love myself first and foremost ;)

 

We're all wired for connection...

 

Men are wired to have sex with as many attractive women as possible. That is our biological imperative. Monogamy is a big compromise for a man, and modern marriage has absolutely no reward for that compromise.

 

what chance to you have without taking a risk?

 

All of the risk falls on the man. If/when it goes wrong, the guy gets replaced in the family unit.

 

Men today can have love, romance, companionship, sex and everything else a marriage purports to bring without legal documentation binding you to one person.

 

Men can have the world today without marriage.

 

You have no idea how awesome my lifestyle is. That is because I don't provide for anyone but myself, and have the freedom to do what I want when I want.

 

The only thing marriage is good for now is having kids. And it isn't much good for that either.

 

As you said earlier, it's about having options. Marriage really isn't a good option for a man. It takes a hell of a lot of idealism/delusion to just ignore that and do it anyway.

 

Seems like madness to me, but to each their own.

Edited by Jabron1
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I was married at 20 and divorced before 25 and then spent the next 25 years in long-term relationships and dating. *I* was the one who never wanted to get married again.

 

I was awfully surprised, when I was 48, to meet a man in his early 50s who had already had three divorces. Neither of us were interested in marriage but for some reason, we both felt strongly enough about the institution of marriage and the commitment that it involved to plunge again.

 

It wasn't necessary for our ages or situation, but because I had already had several long-term relationship that didn't involve the ceremony and certificate, somehow solemnifying this relationship in front of our families and with the government, it made it that much more important. I was certainly surprised that HE would want to get married again, considering his three failed attempts.

 

But so far, we both feel it is the best thing we have ever done.

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Because? I am curious of the reasons... hence this post :)

I read your post last night while eating some fish tacos with fresh-caught perch, drinking a beer and watching an old racing movie, Winning, on the DVD player after a day of yard work and fixups at my new place, reflecting on the long slow recovery from divorce and how it reorganized my priorities in life. Now it's my time. That's all the reason I need. As I type this, the rain is slowing and I hear the big plops falling from the giant redwood tree just outside my window and, well, understand that this lifestyle isn't for everyone, most of all the women I've known in life, and finally am at the place where I'm good with that.

 

Yeah, divorce hammered me financially but I'm a lemonade kinda guy so adapt and, bonus, women generally don't like poor guys so avoid. This has saved me a lot of time and money.

 

Regarding your topic title, IMO the main reason a divorced middle aged guy would remarry is because, for many, that's all he knows. Marriage is his 'Cheers' where everyone knows his name and everyone validates his social standing of husband. It's his home. The earlier he got married, IMO the more likely he will take a hard look at it with any woman he gets serious about. He'll also be more likely to get serious, even if not wishing to get married again. Sure, he might go through his 'crazy' period, as my exW used to call it, but his long-term prognosis is couple. He feels incomplete without a partner.

 

OK, sun's out... gotta go. Good luck in your pursuits.

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Some animals while in captivity can't go back to freedom so they remarry. Other animals like freedom so they don't go back in the cage. Just kidding.

 

Some people meet somebody they genuinely love and they want to take it all the way to marriage which I certainly understand but I don't understand guys who just want to marry anybody.

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People are sociable animals they like to pair up. Society is geared up for couples and whilst that may not seem important when young, free and single, it can become a more pressing need as we age.

NO kids, no partner, few people who actually care as they have their own families to tend to can seem like some sort of bliss to some men at 30, but at 60+ it is a far different story.

Epidemic of old men suffering a life of loneliness too stoic to admit it

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