What Happens When You Date 'Out of Your League'

[Larryville]

I came across this article recently , and had a “passionate” discussion with some friends where some (mostly women) said that they don’t focus so much on looks, that they look much deeper into a guy that they choose to date.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dating-and-mating/201606/what-happens-when-you-date-out-your-league

 

I have read a number of thread here about whether someone decides to pursue someone who according to them “is very attractive” and in many of these reads if the OP refers to someone’s level of attractiveness and later in the post refers to some inadequacy in their own looks or “worth” whether that is educationally, or financially that spells doom for any relationship potential.

 

The first part of this article:

 

A variety of research suggests that couples who do not match one another in their approximate levels of physical attractiveness tend to have less successful romantic relationships.

Research suggests that partners who match one another in physical attractiveness—two moderately attractive, highly attractive, or unattractive individuals—are more likely to stay together over the long term than couples who are less similar in attractiveness (Feingold, 1988).

 

Although we generally find particular good-looking individuals to be attractive, we also (correctly if not consciously) intuit that we will have a more successful relationship if our partner matches our own level of physical attractiveness (Montoya, 2008). Therefore, we are more likely to initiate and try to maintain a relationship with a potential partner who matches our own level of physical attractiveness (Ha et al., 2010; Shaw Taylor et al., 2011).

 

The question I have for the masses is how does someone measure their own worth?

 

Are people truly honest about their own looks?

 

Do you/we pursue those who are similar to ourselves in terms of education, looks, finances or do people overlook or simply don’t care about those things?

[smackie9]

I dated out of my league once....he was older and incredibly good looking. The girls were amazed at how I could land such a hot babe. I didn't care, I just went for it. I guess I had enough confidence in myself that I felt I could contribute something of myself into the relationship.

[carhill]

I came across this article recently , and had a “passionate” discussion with some friends where some (mostly women) said that they don’t focus so much on looks, that they look much deeper into a guy that they choose to date.

 

 

The question I have for the masses is how does someone measure their own worth?

In the mating game by the quantity and quality of the relationship partners they can attract and maintain relationships with. This is different from self-worth, or view of self as a valuable and important organism on the planet, or not.

 

Are people truly honest about their own looks?

IMO, we're all biased one way or another and an incredible amount of psychological factors impact how we perceive the image in the mirror.

 

Do you/we pursue those who are similar to ourselves in terms of education, looks, finances or do people overlook or simply don’t care about those things?

 

When young, I tended to overlook a lot of superficial stuff but got beat up enough by the prevailing sentiments of the mating game to learn to spend more time understanding leagues and socio-economic and appearance status. IMO, the folks who got it early, like around adolescence, were the ones who enjoyed the most success, and continue to.

 

The parameters of mating today are far different from those which impelled my birth nearly six decades ago, and even when being socialized prior to peer integration. Time and evolution march on.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I came across this article recently , and had a “passionate” discussion with some friends where some (mostly women) said that they don’t focus so much on looks, that they look much deeper into a guy that they choose to date.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dating-and-mating/201606/what-happens-when-you-date-out-your-league

 

I have read a number of thread here about whether someone decides to pursue someone who according to them “is very attractive” and in many of these reads if the OP refers to someone’s level of attractiveness and later in the post refers to some inadequacy in their own looks or “worth” whether that is educationally, or financially that spells doom for any relationship potential.

 

The first part of this article:

 

 

 

The question I have for the masses is how does someone measure their own worth?

 

Are people truly honest about their own looks?

 

Do you/we pursue those who are similar to ourselves in terms of education, looks, finances or do people overlook or simply don’t care about those things?

 

I guess you could say this is true, even if the person of "equal" attractiveness cheats or does other horrid things in the relationship/marriage...the person tends to ignore it or whatever simply because they don't want to give up their "hot" boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

They put up with the behavior because they don't want to give up the "hotness". lol

[SammySammy]

The article gives you a hack:

An Exception to the Rule

Although most research shows that we tend to date others who we perceive as similar to us in physical attractiveness, recent research by Hunt et al. (2015) shows an exception to this tendency: If couples begin dating soon after meeting, they are more likely to match one another in attractiveness, but if couples have known one another for a long time before they begin dating, they are less likely to match one another in physical attractiveness. If you have a long

friendship

before you begin dating, then, physical attractiveness may be less important to relationship initiation or maintenance.

 

And people still believe in leagues ....

 

smh

 

If this physical attractiveness league theory was true, some of us wouldn't exist.

[Larryville]

I guess I had enough confidence in myself that I felt I could contribute something of myself into the relationship.

That is likely one of the most important aspects of this particular topic. While I can say that most of the people I have ever dated (2 marriages) were generally equal to me in attractiveness, several were let’s say more accomplished than I was I mean education wise, financially. Where people had the issue was not necessarily looks related but status, (one a very prominent state attorney another a corporate executive) while I have a good job that I love, I don’t make tons of money and those who criticized believe (she) was dating beneath her status.

 

However as stated I had confidence and don’t see myself as being beneath anyone, but this comes from my parents. I have never lacked self-confidence because my parents told me from an early age that I was “special” may seem like a small thing but sometimes when you see threads and people tolerating being treated poorly and “settling” this has a lot to do with how someone sees themselves.

[SwordofFlame]

Well in these relationships there is often a reacher and a settler. The reacher generally acts very insecure because he/she knows the settler can do better. The settler is very secure and comfortable because he/she knows the reacher can't do better. Can you see how that might cause problems in a relationship?

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

There is no such thing as "outta your league". That's an atrocious mentality to have. The thought of a women somehow being better than me is just something I don't accept. Sorry.

[Larryville]

There is no such thing as "outta your league". That's an atrocious mentality to have. The thought of a women somehow being better than me is just something I don't accept. Sorry.

 

Ok gonna address a couple of things here. First what makes someone “outta your league?”

 

*Looks

*Education

*Income

*Career

*Family/Social Status

* (controversial hot button for some people) race... via (xenophobes)

 

Will just go with that for now… if someone can think of something else cool.

Does or can any of these factors “balance” out meaning if someone is better looking can someones income or education balance that out for example?

 

Now this:

 

The thought of a women somehow being better

 

I’m just pointing out, but in some cultures (not saying IJWBH is expressing this but) women are beneath men regardless of any looks, education or status.

 

How big an issue is that?

[blackcat777]

Despite the fact my boyfriend and I have an age gap (9 years), I think part of why we work well together is because he's in school, and I just graduated/am doing continuing education things. We'll be building our careers together. (I slacked off and traveled first. )

 

As for "balancing the factors out," the first thing that comes to mind is hot young babe/rich old man trope.

[DreamP]

Ok gonna address a couple of things here. First what makes someone “outta your league?”

 

*Looks

*Education

*Income

*Career

*Family/Social Status

* (controversial hot button for some people) race... via (xenophobes)

 

Will just go with that for now… if someone can think of something else cool.

Does or can any of these factors “balance” out meaning if someone is better looking can someones income or education balance that out for example

 

Age, physique, weight, skin tone (I guess that is in the same lines as race), personality (nice/friendly versus rude), social competence (ability to interact in a social setting), intellect (not just the educational type), fame, caste (in certain cultures), and the list could go on...

[DreamP]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dating-and-mating/201606/what-happens-when-you-date-out-your-league

 

Article is a demonstration of coloration, not causation. There has been research that demonstrated smart people eat curly fries:

 

 

The thing about attractiveness is so subject. There was a study that showed romantic partners judged their own partners better looking than by others. The other thing is beauty is also influenced by cultural factors. Tanned/dark skin is valued in the west whereas many Asian cultures prefer fair skinned.

 

I think people PERCEIVE they are in the same league as their partners since their partner picked them. If they think they are out of their partner's league, then there will be constant fear and low esteem. I can't image that being good for the relationship.

[Larryville]

the first thing that comes to mind is hot young babe/rich old man trope.

 

Now I’m just asking… Point taken, but is this a scenario where the two are “balancing each other out?”

 

If a woman who is really hot, gets with an old fat dude just for his money is that an equal exchange?

 

For example, if a dude is a billionaire and get with a woman who would be regarded as a “10” does her looks justify or is it equal to having access to his billions?

 

A woman who might be a “10” who is successful in her own right, educated would not settle being with an old fat dude. Only a woman with low self-esteem would be in such a situation, feeling her looks are her only capital.

 

I say this because many of us guys have been somewhere when we have seen who might be regarded as a “10” and that is subjective. I live in a college town where there are a lot of young very attractive women who might be generally regarded as let’s say 9-10’s

 

Is the rich guy selling himself short by possible over hyping a woman’s looks or is the attractive woman selling herself short by being “arm candy” to an ugly dude, sacrificing quality of life? Because money can only go so far.

[Buddhist]

The question I have for the masses is how does someone measure their own worth?

 

There is only one measure, the level of comfort one has with themselves.

 

Are people truly honest about their own looks?

 

No. They can't be. The reason being that when they look in the mirror they aren't just looking at the arrangement of flesh but are seeing their own thoughts and feelings about themselves reflected back at them too. If someone has negative thoughts and feelings about themselves they will incorrectly assume their flesh arrangement is less attractive than it actually is. And Vice versa.

 

Do you/we pursue those who are similar to ourselves in terms of education, looks, finances or do people overlook or simply don’t care about those things?

 

In the past I have tended to be with people less financially successful, less physically attractive than me with a similar level of education. It hasn't worked out so far. The simple truth is people tend to pick partners who are on their level emotionally. They outward parts may not match but the way they feel about themselves is always reflected in the partner they have.

[oldshirt]

I totally believe there is such a things as leagues and I agree that much a difference in leagues will almost certainly end badly.

 

 

However, it is way out of my pay grade to determine what actually makes up someone's league.

 

 

Each person has a different set of values and morals and beliefs etc. One man's/Woman's trash is a another's treasure.

[Teddius]

As humans, naturally, we are wired to compare ourselves to others. Thus leagues are abstract. That being said, the term"outta your league isn't always necessarily stated as a conclusive assessment. It's a reference, basically, to the uncommon and, or dissimilar. Put Certain individuals with varying characteristics, ostensibly, don't usually link up.

 

Of course, like everything, there are exceptions.

[neowulf]

I think leagues exist in our own minds. It depends a lot on your own personal value system and the way others act upon it.

 

I'm super sensitive to "extremely attractive" women.

 

The minute I'm forced to interact with one, it exponentially magnifies my own insecurities about my looks and flaws.

 

It's like all I can think about is how perfect they look and how *imperfect* I am by comparison.

 

This of course immediately causes me to shut down, becoming quiet and reserved, a mode that is almost certain to hide the other qualities I possess, outside of a pretty face.

 

This is the primary reason I believe people date partners of "relative attractiveness". It allows them to feel comfortable with each other, less insecure or threatened.

[Toodaloo]

Larry you are missing the crucial ingredient that is confidence.

 

Look around you. There are all sorts of looks and each persons taste varies. I had a thing for big noses for a while. Yup. I thought big noses were sexy! So looks are all about perceptions.

 

If I go shopping in a skanky old hoodie and unflattering joggers and keep my head down I can guarantee you that no one, not even the check out person will initiate conversation with me unless they absolutely have to.

 

If I go out shopping in my jeans and a nice shirt, hold my shoulders up and walk tall and smile, random people do talk to me. They are also more receptive when I talk to them.

 

Stand tall who ever you are. Be proud of who you are regardless of looks. Be the person you want to be and you will be attractive. Not to everyone I will grant you that but you will be seen as being attractive. Ever met someone and you can't quite figure it out and can't quite see why they are so damned attractive because they are not that good looking but people flock around them? Charisma...

 

If you base your self worth on your looks then you are on a sure path to failure. ANYTHING can take away your looks at any time. You could have a car accident, get caught in a fire, suffer an acid attack, have a stroke, catch a virus that paralyses your face... and the old absolute which is old age.

 

If you base your self worth on WHO you are and like and are proud of who you are then you do not need to worry about the leagues. You are secure in yourself, you value yourself and know yourself so what the heck.

[jen1447]

Do you/we pursue those who are similar to ourselves in terms of education, looks, finances or do people overlook or simply don’t care about those things?

 

Those things never stopped me. If I get the "want" urge, it's pretty much on no matter who they are.

[mikeylo]

Physical attractiveness can only go so far. A relationship is much more than that. It's only one of the important parts. A pretty face or a hunk with six pack can become annoying after a while if their personalities, relationship skills , qualities are below acceptable level. One main reason people break up so often. There is no strong glue to hold them and the same 6 packer or pretty face becomes ugly.

[SammySammy]

Physical attractiveness can only go so far. A relationship is much more than that. It's only one of the important parts. A pretty face or a hunk with six pack can become annoying after a while if their personalities, relationship skills , qualities are below acceptable level. One main reason people break up so often. There is no strong glue to hold them and the same 6 packer or pretty face becomes ugly.

 

True.

 

In the article, the exception to the rule essentially says that if we spend more time with people we'll find out there's more to them than looks. Giving us the opportunity to choose a person based on compatibility rather than looks alone.

 

It shouldn't be a surprise that compatible partners tend to have more successful relationships. Regardless of how their looks compare or any other differences they may have.

[gimlynick]

Hmmm...

 

I think that nobody wants to go 'under' his or her league.

 

But everybody has his own terms of 'league'.

One person finds it more important that the partner is educated/good looking, another person is more attracted to the financial status,...

 

Everybody has his own league and for outsiders this means that sometimes you see a really hot girl with a 'meh' guy. Maybe that guy doesn't have the looks, but maybe he is very charismatic and in that way he is in a higher league then the hot girl.

 

So everybody can match with everybody. As long as you fullfill the standards of what is the other persons's 'higher league'.

 

I will never date a woman that for me is my league, I'm only interested in the top! ( which for me is good looking, smart, funny and 'into the face' )

[katiegrl]

 

*Looks

*Education

*Income

*Career

*Family/Social Status

 

Those things^^ are superficial Larry... notwithstanding the fact that I hate the word itself and would never use it, to me, if I were define league it would mean (not in any particular order of importance):

 

Integrity

Honesty

Character

Ambition

Drive

Trustworthiness

Faithfulness

Staying true to their word

Kindness

Openness

Understanding

Patience

 

These are the things I look for.... I strive to be all these things myself... so if I can find a man who possesses most (if not all) of these qualities, then I would consider him to be in my league.... and he should do the same with me.

Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[Larryville]

if I can find a man who possesses most (if not all) of these qualities, then I would consider him to be in my league

 

KG I don’t disagree but how can you or anyone truly know this for sure? As for all human beings someone else’s trash is “possible” someone else’s treasure.

 

If these traits were so easy to define, OLD sites would not be so full of people, and these sites would not be making billions of dollars.

 

## - indicated the same thing to me generally…

 

##Integrity - the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

##Honesty

##Trustworthiness

##Faithfulness

###Staying true to their word

Character “the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.”

Ambition

Drive

Kindness

Openness

Understanding

Patience

 

It takes many years for people to be able to truly define this in someone they are with.

 

How is it possible early in a dating cycle for someone to clue in to these traits you define?

 

Having said that, I (had a gut feeling that...)all of these traits I saw in my second wife, but it took years to confirm that, that was luck however.

[katiegrl]

KG I don’t disagree but how can you or anyone truly know this for sure? As for all human beings someone else’s trash is “possible” someone else’s treasure.

 

If these traits were so easy to define, OLD sites would not be so full of people, and these sites would not be making billions of dollars.

 

## - indicated the same thing to me generally…

 

##Integrity - the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

##Honesty

##Trustworthiness

##Faithfulness

###Staying true to their word

Character “the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.”

Ambition

Drive

Kindness

Openness

Understanding

Patience

 

It takes many years for people to be able to truly define this in someone they are with.

 

How is it possible early in a dating cycle for someone to clue in to these traits you define?

 

Having said that, I (had a gut feeling that...)all of these traits I saw in my second wife, but it took years to confirm that, that was luck however.

 

Not sure why but I have always been a really good judge of character, straight from the get go....

 

That said, you are right it does take many years to truly get to know someone.

 

But IMO one can determine whether or not their partner possesses many of these traits relatively early on if one is PAYING ATTENTION. To things other than how gorgeous they are, how much money they make, social status, etc.

 

I have always been able to anyway. Have I gotten disappointed? Of course. That's life. When it happens, I move on.

 

In any event, as I said I can't stand the term league (at least the way you and others defined it) and don't use it when choosing a partner.

 

My first criteria is that we have mutual chemistry and a connection (emotional, physical, spiritual), that he has drive and ambition, he is intelligent, he is kind (not just to me but those around him) .... we have tons of fun, we make each other laugh .... and we go from there.

 

Those things show up pretty much from the getgo (or not).... at least they have for me.... and choosing partners this way has always worked well for me.

Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl