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Low sex drive girlfriend and sexual frustration


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Hey all,

 

So I've run in to an issue that's been going on for a little less than a month now with my girlfriend who I've been dating for about 7 months now. She just hasn't been interested in sex and it's really starting to kill me.

 

Our relationship up until a month ago was great sexually - we would have sex probably 3-4 times a week, sometimes more. We were really sexual with each other and things were great. I should probably add that we're in college and both have our own places so we're literally always together. But starting about a month ago she's just been much less sexually interested. She's been rejecting me a lot, coming up with reasons to not have sex, and usually her reason is just "I don't really feel like doing it right now". I'm always a mix of upset and pissed off after this, but we never really fight about it. I usually just say "Okay" and roll over and try to collect my thoughts/calm down so we don't fight. To credit her, she has admitted a few times that this last month she's been "down" and "consistently sad" and she assures me that she's very sexually attracted to me and loves having sex with me when we're doing it, but just isn't in the mood a lot of the time. I'm glad she talked to me about this, but it still hurts me. I'm not the most confident person in the world and getting rejected by someone you love CONSISTENTLY hurts. I actually cried in the shower a few days ago and that's something I never never do. It's really getting to me and I think it's a combination of my high sex drive getting rejected and declined constantly, but also being hurt because my girlfriend (whom I am deeply in love with) doesn't seem to sexually feel the same way even though she constantly tells me she does.

 

I don't really know what to do. When she told me about how she's been down and sad for the last month for no apparent reason we talked about it for awhile and I listened well and tried to help, but she said it wasn't a huge deal and she needed to figure that out on her own. She's my best friend and I love her, but it just seems like she has a low sex drive and I have a high one and I'm starting to feel pretty pathetic and I'm losing a lot of confidence with her because none of my flirting/turn-on techniques seem to work anymore. I know there isn't an easy answer for this - I haven't talked to her specifically about this problem yet because I don't want to come off as complaining to her and I also feel like bringing this up would make me look really pathetic. It's come up every now and then and she apologizes for being like it, but I've never actually sat her down and told her that this is a big problem for me.

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The honeymoon is over for her.

 

Many people - not just women - are hyper-sexual at the beginning of a relationship. There is no rationale behind it and is probably nothing you can do; either accept it or move on to a new relationship.

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I agree with Carrie. Unless she is depressed for some reason (whether chronic or situational) which can be treated, then this is probably the new normal. If she is willing to be treated - if this IS the problem, perhaps give it some time, but I suspect that it will never get back to what it was. You'll save yourself some trouble, frustration, and heartache if you just move on now.

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I agree with other posters that there's always more sex early in the relationship. It's rarely ever going to remain at that level. The new wears off. The excitement wears off. Congratulations, this is what it's like to be married. The woman has every right to say "I'm not feeling it." In the beginning, they usually don't want to because it's all new, plus they may not want to disappoint you, but if they're going to stay in the relationship, they have to get their needs met as well, which sometimes means not having sex just because you want to. So sometimes that means not having sex when you want to unless she also wants to.

 

Now, you're young and I understand you're not ready to live the more routine lifestyle, so probably you should just date around and she should do the same.

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Are you still having sex together at all?

 

Perhaps you could give her the benefit of the doubt for now. She may be having a crappy time, trying to talk it over with her is a good thing. Pushing her for sex is not a good thing and it won't get you very far.

 

It is normal for the sex to die down after the initial stages of a relationship. It shouldn't stop completely, but it will become less frequent.

 

I know how it feels to be sexually frustrated in a relationship. My 9 year long relationship was practically sexless. I endured years of rejection and I know it makes you feel worthless. It's less frustrating to be single becuse at least the woman you love isn't naked in front of your eyes everyday.

 

I'd say give her a chance for now just incase it's a low phase for her. If things don't improve, then you know what your solution is.

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Thank you all for your feedback. The frustration has continued to grow for me since I posted this - I wore a nice shirt, combed my hair, and tried harder than usual to look good today to maybe get her a little excited - but no, this didn't work at all. No noticing on how I looked, smelt, nothing. And even worse, when I tried to make a move on her she rejected me and said that she felt gross and would want to have sex later when she had showered and was pretty for me. Well, now it's 8:55 pm and she already asleep after hours of us hanging out.

 

I just feel like I'm gonna' lose my mind. School has already gotten' me anxious recently as the semester has been tough, and now we add this ****. I'm a few rejections/disappointments away from completely losing it. The worst part is I don't want to make the situation worse and make a big deal out of this by bringing it up and having a talk with her about it. I'm so frustrated and want her so bad and this is extremely infuriating for me.

Edited by tlamb93
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By the way, 2-3 times a week is average, not low, according to the ever reliable Google. Why can't you just masturbate? I thought guys did that girlfriend or no anyway. You'd feel better.

 

She said she's feeling down. Being pressured for sex isn't going to make her feel any better. If it goes on and on, I imagine one or the other of you will break it off. No point in letting it get ugly just because someone doesn't feel like it. You know, women have to get into a certain head space. They're not like men. Things have to be right emotionally -- and you can't always control that.

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How often are you having sex? When you initiate, how do you do it? Do you take her out on dates at all?

 

I'm not trying to put the blame on you - it's entirely possible that her drive is just innately low or she's going through a period of depression and there's nothing you can do about it. On the other hand, if you want to try to work things out, there are a few things we could suggest after we know what you've tried. Women's arousal and desire can be complex - honestly a new shirt is unlikely to do anything much.

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I think a lot of relationships run their course within less than a year and this is one example.

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I think a lot of relationships run their course within less than a year and this is one example.

 

Agree!!!!!!

 

Low sex drive from one party = Dead relationship

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Tease her (both verbally and physically) while doing what you guys always do. For example while cooking dinner. Teasing never really fails to excite girls.

 

And if nothing does the trick, break up with her or (if you really want to stay with her for some reason) have sex with another girl. Sounds to me like your relationship is dieing though.

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Best you learn this lesson now, you are making the classic married man's mistake.

 

Your thoughts are becoming constantly obsessed with "fixing" her or "fixing" yourself so she wants you/is sexually attracted to you. You are becoming laser focused on her and trying to make her happy. Some married men fall into this pattern for years and years and thus end up in near sexless or sexless marriages. Women do not find groveling, obsessing, and smothering attractive.

 

What does tend to work is to focus on yourself. Stop focusing on her and her mood all the time. Start going to the gym (if you don't), start a new sport once a week, call her less, work on making a life for yourself that doesn't seem so bad without her. While harder done than said, the independence, less smothering and more time to yourself will actually drive her thoughts back to you as she begins to wonder why you don't seem as focused on her anymore.

 

Confidence, independence, strength, and most importantly... don't cave in all the time and let your mood be defined by hers or go silent to avoid any confrontation.

 

While some of these things may make you feel like you are being a d*&k sometimes, you'll gain more respect from her.

 

And you must always balance these actions with throwing in all the normal things women enjoy in a relationship. Surprise flowers, compliments, don't forget to hold hands, a gift here and there, etc.

 

Whether you stay with this woman in the future or move on and marry someone else, everything above will still apply.

 

Good luck in the future.

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JuanDelToro

cc_zero`s advice was spot on.

 

Focus on yourself and give her the chance to realize that you shouldn`t be taken for granted.

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bathtub-row

It's possible that she has either met someone else that she's interested in, or it has become too much for her to juggle college and a relationship. Either way, I think she has seriously turned a corner about the relationship and is having serious second thoughts.

 

I agree that you should stop focusing on her so much and go your merry way. If nothing changes soon after that, then you should probably break up with her.

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does she have hormonal or mental health problems?

 

just before my period my body simply doesn't work the same ;( but tbh if im in love with someone im willing to please him and as for me, just enjoy the physical intimacy. so the fact that she rejects you often puzzles me a bit.

 

also when i was depressed the idea of sex was like... out of my mind. i felt too disgusting a person for that. this changed when i got better.

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