Married, but have borderline uncontrollable urges w/coworker

[Zuul]

...howdy.. I detailed my current marriage issues in another forum.. Just started marriage counseling and hope that my wife and i can work out our issues.. There are many..

 

To complicate things... About a 1.5 back a new secretary joined our office... I remember on her 2nd day she was asked to go around and meet with everyone in our group to get an idea of what we do.. So i was taking her around showing her some of the duties i am responsible for and she blurted out that she 'loves horror movies'.. i do too, and so i said we should exchange an email of favourite horror movies some time.. Which we did.. And we started talking via email....First via work email, and then via our personal email addresses. We texted back and forth (Because for work purposes pretty much everyone in the office has my number and texts me.) We seemed to share a lot of the same interests and outlooks in life. I made it clear to her early on that i was married with kids.. This didn't stop her from starting with the flirting.

 

At first i ignored it because i saw that she was this way with ANY man who walked into the office. There are some very inappropriate things that come out of her mouth which, i have to say if it were a man saying them she would probably have been brought up on sexual harassment issues by now...But whatever, i saw her doing it with every guy, so i just kind of chalked it up to how she was, and didn't really think about it...If she said something to me i usually just didn't respond, or changed the subject, or tried to make a joke.. We actually joke a lot, and were having a lot of fun in the work place. She actually started to tell me that i made her day, most days.

 

Then things started to intensify.. She would ask me if i could go to lunch, or if she could spend her lunch hour in my office because the lunch room was being used for a meeting.. Then she started asking to go see a movie...(I still have never GONE to lunch with her or to see a movie, though i have relented and allowed her into my office for lunch when the regular lunch room is in use.)

 

One day she straight up asked me if the flirting bothered me at all. I didn't know what to say...She confessed that i 'just did it for' her. She would try to stop if it was bothering me. At the time i think i was stupid and just said "meh, whatever.." and i think she took that as a sign to ramp it up.. And she started really working me.. And i have to say she started saying things that were really affecting me.. Like, she was REALLY doing it for me.. I was pretty ashamed of this and consciously started trying to dial down our relationship and interactions...

 

But i can't deny that she had gotten into my head... I think about her all the time...Its gotten to the point where it is affecting my sex life at home.. Like to get turned on i have to start thinking about this woman, which is all kinds of wrong..

 

One night we happened to be leaving the building at the same time walking to the parking lot, and so we were headed out together and she asked me if i had time for a drink.. I told her "no, i have to get home. My wife will think i'm having an affair, otherwise" to which she responded 'well, it's not for lack of trying on my part! Jesus!!"

 

I know i should stop this whole thing...I have told my wife about some aspects of this, and how uncomfortable the situation has me (i have not told her about being turned on thinking about the woman, though.)

 

I have blatantly slammed the door (figuratively) on requests from this other woman to do things together now... So much so that i can tell it is actually hurting her feelings... And i have started actively seeking a transfer to a different department to get away from her..I also try my best to limit our interactions in the work place (but sometimes that can't be helped.)

 

Is there anything else i could do?

 

I know i should probably tell her straight up to stop, but... i think i just like the attention, honestly, and know i have to remove myself from the situation cause i don't trust myself otherwise. I also am not sure that she could stop, at this point. I think i let it get to far. And honestly I don't want to hurt the girl.. I can see that she is aware that i am cutting her out, and whenever i do interact with her she has this puppy-dog look in her eyes that is just.. heart breaking.

 

But good gosh i cannot stop thinking about her. I know it is just straight lust and longing for something that my marriage is currently lacking, but it is so hard to hold back!

[TaraMaiden2]

Very easy remedies:

 

1) Tell HR she is harassing you.

2) Tell your wife - EVERYTHING.

3) look for another job.

4) Be open, upfront and honest, in counselling.

Never say something you believe someone wants to hear.

 

That will be $65.00 Thank you.

[Satu]

Best to put a stop to this right now.

 

You know why already...

[Gershwin]

That's why you must have firm boundaries in place when it comes to opposite sex friendships. You started exchanging emails, the gate opened and you don't realise it until it's turned inappropriate.

 

Be clear to her, spell it out if you must & mention getting HR involved. I'm sure she loves her job more. Communicate to your wife what you feel is lacking & work on it together.

[serial muse]

I have blatantly slammed the door (figuratively) on requests from this other woman to do things together now... So much so that i can tell it is actually hurting her feelings... And i have started actively seeking a transfer to a different department to get away from her..I also try my best to limit our interactions in the work place (but sometimes that can't be helped.)

 

Is there anything else i could do?

 

I know i should probably tell her straight up to stop, but... i think i just like the attention, honestly, and know i have to remove myself from the situation cause i don't trust myself otherwise. I also am not sure that she could stop, at this point. I think i let it get to far. And honestly I don't want to hurt the girl.. I can see that she is aware that i am cutting her out, and whenever i do interact with her she has this puppy-dog look in her eyes that is just.. heart breaking.

 

But good gosh i cannot stop thinking about her. I know it is just straight lust and longing for something that my marriage is currently lacking, but it is so hard to hold back!

 

Yeah, you should tell her straight-up to stop. You may be worried about hurting her, but spend some time in the Infidelity/OW/OM forums to see just how much hurt an affair can cause to all parties involved. Now is the time to step away, firmly.

 

You mentioned up above that she was initially flirting with many of the guys in your office. She settled on you because, on some level, you were clearly receptive. You have to make it clear now that you aren't, and that you feel that was a mistake. Of course it may hurt her feelings - no one likes being rejected, after all - but that can't be helped, and shouldn't be the primary consideration here. For one thing, she sounds like someone who is looking for trouble, to some extent - a flirt who's open to an affair. It's your responsibility to put a stop to it.

 

Good that you're going to counseling; I hope you can figure out what's lacking in your current marriage, and that both you and your wife can work together on that.