My Girlfriends Ex died Yesterday

[fearfacmh]

I found out last night from my girlfriend's roomate that my girlfriends first love died in a car accident. She still talked to him and they were good friends. I'm afraid she still loved him or something. She still has a pic of him in her room and she said she loaned him a lot of money recently and I just remember thinking it was a little wierd. I"m just very worried about her and she hasn't called me. Her roomate told her that she told me about it. I'm just wondering what should I do. Her roomate said Erin would call me when she was ready. I sent erin a text message last night and she hasn't responded. Should I be worried about this or should I just give her the time she needs. He was the guy she lost her virginity to and all that. I've been worrying about this all day. I just want to know she's ok you know?

 

Fred

[Anais]

Giver her space and time. Poor guy. It is hard in general when someone dies that you knew.

[fearfacmh]

she Aimed me and this was our convo

 

 

shoortcake 719: i am not well

shoortcake 719 returned at 8:53:58 PM.

shoortcake 719: i'm sorry

FearfacMH: I understand

FearfacMH: is there anything I can do

FearfacMH: I'm worried sick about you

shoortcake 719: no

shoortcake 719: don't worry about me, you have better

things to worry about

FearfacMH: better things?

FearfacMH: you are most important right now

shoortcake 719: no

shoortcake 719: forget me

FearfacMH: why would you say that

shoortcake 719: thats the best thing you can do right now

shoortcake 719: forget me for now

FearfacMH: I will not forget you

FearfacMH: we will get through this

shoortcake 719: im so sorry i just cant do this right now

shoortcake 719: no

shoortcake 719 is away at 8:57:23 PM.

 

Is it normal for someone to push away like that after someone dies? I guess its just to soon for her to really know what she's saying. It just kinda freaked me out that she said to just forget her. This is so diffucult

 

Fred

[Kat]

From what I have heard it is very common for them to push you away.

 

Why? I couldn't say. Maybe she is pushing youa way because she never wants to feel this way again (someone she loves leaves). It could be she still has feelings for her ex, or it could be she just needs her space.

 

Make up your mind how much effort you want to invest in this girl and stick with it. It won't be an easy few weeks/months but if you are prepared maybe you two can get through it?

 

I have never had someone close to me die, sorry

[johan]

I suggest you respect her wishes and leave her alone. If she really meant it, then it's the best thing anyway. If she didn't then she'll seek you out when she's ready.

 

Maybe after two or three weeks apart, if you haven't heard anything encouraging from her, then start thinking about seeing other people.

 

Also, don't worry about her. She's fine. And if you aren't worried about her, don't say you're worried about her just to be nice. Just be cool about it.

[Anais]

shoortcake 719: don't worry about me, you have better

things to worry about

FearfacMH: better things?

FearfacMH: you are most important right now

shoortcake 719: no

 

Fred ,

 

Do you know what she means? She should have something in her mind. Did you have some issues or arguments recently?

[EC]

Listen I had an ex that died and I had just been seeing my bf for about a month when it happened. I was still friend with my ex and we spoke everyday and my ex was still in love with me and I broke his heart when i left him and then he died.

 

It was one of the hardest things I had to go through. I pushed everyone away from me, I thought about life a lot, and I really just needed my space. Don't hound her. The worst thing to do is call her and ask her about you guys and what's going on. She doesn't need the extra frustration.

 

What my bf did at the time was he let me know he was there for me if I needed him and then left me alone for a while. Eventually when I was better (about a month or two) I called him back up and we continued where we left off. But she needs to grieve and so I recommend just give her some space but let her know you will be there when she needs you. Its a really delicate situation.

[fearfacmh]

I still haven't heard anything from her. Last night I wrote a letter to her saying I'm here for her and all that stuff and I left her a bag of squeaky rubber duckies cause I calll her squeeky and she wanted them the other day. Other than that all I can do is wait. I know I can't possibly feel as bad as her but this is definetly affecting me. I can't get that bad feeling out of my gut. I just want her to be ok and I'm afraid somehow she wont ever talk to me again and that scares me. We hadn't had any fights or anything so I dont know why she was saying I have more important things to worry about. Would she really just absolutly say nothing to me for like months? I just want to hold her and help her and she isn't letting me. I hate it. I definetly want to wait for her, but I'm afraid of months thats just to much. I constantly check her away message and her myspace to see if she takes me off, but she hasn't. She did post a pic of her with her eyes closed with the caption "grief" and the picture of us is still there. I dont know why she wouldn't want to see me at some point. I mean I"m the person who's spent more time with her in the last 3 months than anyone. This is so difficult. Everything was so great and I was happy. I guess she just needs time and I need to keep occupied.

 

Fred

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Fred-

 

I'm sorry for your girlfriend's loss.

 

Just some thoughts here. First of all, I was 16 when I had my first love. It was very very intense and we maintained a strong bond for years afterwards. I still have fond feelings towards him and we've both been married for years and years.

 

I haven't talked to him in 15 years. But I have no doubt if he called me tomorrow and needed something I'd be there for him. It's just wierd.

 

She's maintained a close relationship with him and now he's gone. I can't imagine how hard it would be for her. Perhaps his death has caused some type of reaction in her like altering her thinking to where she thought she had feelings for him or something? It does wierd things to you.

 

Bottom line- he's gone- you're here. Give her a little space but let her know you still care. I bet she'll be back when she gets her head straight.

[fearfacmh]

OK I think everything ok now. Erin told her roomate to tell me some stuff. She basically said that she knows I'm here and she will come to me when she's ready. She said she just doesn't need the pressure to be a girlfriend right now. This is all I needed to hear and I wouldn't have gotten all freaked out. She will need a few days a few weeks or whatever and she will be ok. I'm not really sure why Erin couldn't tell me that herself instead of saying forget her and all that. Oh well I guess she's just confused right now. I will wait for her and I will be her friend and she will come around. I feel alot better. I did find out she is going to oklahoma to his funeral with her father. I think thats good cause she can have closure. Damn its been 4 days and I miss her already. I can't wait to just hold her again and make her feel safe. thanx for listening you guys.

[dmac]

you are a symbol of her disloyalties to him.

 

she shouldnt feel that way and have a boyfriend neways. She is not over him yet, she is not ready for a boyfriend yet.

 

dump her, or whatever, ya not gonna have a propper girlfriend either way.

[_Saffy_]

dmac, i have read some real bad advice on these forums but that has to be the worst

 

do not dump her............she is grieving the loss of her past, her memories, and her first love.

 

 

do as she asks, and give her the space she has asked for, anything other than that will result in you losing her.

[dmac]

whatever. he still represents her disloyalties to her ex.

 

"Hi deceased family! this is my new boyfriend! yey! "

[_Saffy_]

now ya just reading into this whatever you feel like...........at no point does this mention the ex boyfriends family, or that the girlfriend is in touch with them.

 

if we want to speculate and invent things to back up our responses........he might not even have any family!

 

 

the issue here is that yes, erin needs time to get over the loss of someone that is/was extremely close to her. people deal with their emotions in different ways, and at this point she has chosen to be alone.

 

 

i doubt that fear is so insensitive and self centred that he would even consider dumping erin at a time like this, in fact i doubt many people would.

[dmac1]

yer, he said she's goin with the deceased's father to the funeral. fearfacmh feels immoral to her at this point in time as he represents disloyalties to the deceased and deceased's family.

 

I wouldnt be happy with a responce such as "she just needs time". To me that doesnt mean nething, that doesnt ecplain nething. Why does she need time? well the answer is because during this time of greiving, fearfacmh is a conflict of morality.

[dmac]

yer, he said she's goin with the deceased's father to the funeral. fearfacmh feels immoral to her at this point in time as he represents disloyalties to the deceased and deceased's family.

 

I wouldnt be happy with a responce such as "she just needs time". To me that doesnt mean nething, that doesnt ecplain nething. Why does she need time? well the answer is because during this time of greiving, fearfacmh is a conflict of morality. But yes after some time, fearfacmh, she'll be good-to-go.

[_Saffy_]

I did find out she is going to oklahoma to his funeral with her father

 

her father dmac, HER father, not the ex's father.

 

if ya gonna argue with me, at least get it right.

 

 

 

she does need time, and the fact that you wouldnt be happy just makes you sound completely insensitive to the needs of others, and personally i think that anyone that describes someone as "good-to-go" wouldnt stand much of a chance.

[fearfacmh]

Hey guys. OK first of that guy dmac is a retard. He's just here causing trouble. Anyways no I''m breaking up with Erin. Thats preposterous. I did end up finding her mothers phone number and i called her. She said when Erin is upset she pushes people away so that would explain things. She really appreciated me calling and she said she will tell Erin I called and talked to her about calling me. She is apparently was to come back this morning. I was kinda hoping she would give me a call today, but who knows. I think she will probobly stay with her parents this weekend. I got some things planned with friends to keep my mind off of things. I'll let you know when she contacts me. Bye bye

[fearfacmh]

Well it doesn't look good now. Erin posted this long message on her myspace page. YOu just have to read it to understand. Basically she talks about how they were going to be together and have a baby and all this stuff. They had plans. She doesn't mention me at all. She doesn't even say that she has me to go to. She talks about her next man. What the hell about me? What do I do now? I have to talk to her now I'm dying inside. But if I talk to her about us she will probobly freak. There is nothing I can do. This is the worst. We've been together 3 months. We aren't in love but thats long enough to have pretty strong feelings. Please take the time to read her message. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=5766980&blogID=16510751&Mytoken=20050226213229

[fearfacmh]

I think everything is ok now. She sent me a long instant message which said she was trying to spare me the pain of hearing about her memories of chris. She said she hasn't talked to any of her friends that knew him and that she wasn't just excluding me. For whatever reason she feels i've been pressuring her to talk about our relationship but I contend that I haven't. I only showed that I care for her and never said anything about us. She said I shouldn't have called her mom but I was only concerned. She said that her mom yelled at her for not talking to me. I'm not sure why she would do that but whatever. She said that she knows I care, but I should back off which now I can do since she talked to me. All I wanted was to hear from her. I mean she may or may not come back to me, but I think she will and I will be there for her. Now I know she wasn't pushing me away because she didn't want me. I can sleep in peace tonight.

 

Fred

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Fred-

 

I read her post. Just a thought here. In reading what she wrote I get a sense of what she thought might happen down the line but now never would because he died. I really don't think it's a reflection on your new, 3 month relationship.

 

She's talking about the old boyfriend as her "backup" plan- not you and saying she'll need a new "backup". True, there is no mention of you but she knew you'd read it- she's just venting and mourning right now.

 

Hang in there buddie.

[fearfacmh]

Well guys I guess my intuition was right. She broke up with me 2 days ago. Its really lame because she did it online. She Imed me and said not to wait for her because she doesn't know when or if she will be better and if she will be ok with us again. She said that she cares for me and know I care for her but she doesn't want to hurt me. I couldn't just accept this and say yes and walk away. I told her that I wanted to talk in person. I said I wanted to be there for her and help her as a friend. She didn't want that. She apparently expected it to be a short conversation, but I had to talk and say my feelings. I kept begging her to let me see her and she eventually started getting upset saying that I was just hurting her more. She said she might talk to me in person in 3 weeks during spring break. It sux cause I want to see her now and get all my thoughts out of my head, but now I have to sit and dwell on them. Anyways she got upset and left. Then after a few minutes her roomate comes on and says that she's sorry we broke up. I said I know its not me its just the situation. Then her roomate says well actually its also partly because of you. She said Erin thinks I dont take control in the relationship or something. Me and Erin were having some problems but we had resolved them 2 days before Chris died and the last day I was with her she was happy. SHe said it was just like when she first met me. This really upset me and confused me. I hated to do it but I had to go back an IM Erin and ask her if this was true. Was I wrong for this? I know she is so messed up but I had a right to know. When I came back and asked her she just flipped out. She then changed her Myspace page to single and put the picture of her butt in short shorts back up as her main photo. This was evil. That is how we met because I saw her butt and said that I wanted to know her mind and all that. I Just feel horrible you know? I want to help her and she wont help me. I sent her another IM yesterday saying I was sorry for upsetting her and that I wasn't mad at her. I haven't heard anything since. I do know that she said all she wanted to do was go home to her family, but I know that instead she smoked weed in her roomate last night because she said it on her myspace page. She knows I hate that. She is just not handling this properly. I have told myself that I will listen to her when she is well again and if she does some serious explaining I would give it another try, but I'm pretty sure its over. She still has some of my things I will wait a month and if she hasn't asked to see me by then I will just go get them. Its really hard for me because I had just contracted genital herpes before I met Erin and she accepted me. She made me happy. I thought know one would want me. NOw I'm back to square one. This has been the hardest year of my life. I will be ok though I wasn't quite in love with her and I can find reasons why she wasn't the one for me. I will give her a chance though if she wants it. Wow I typed a lot I have so much going on in my head. Thanx you guys

[Israfil]

*hugs*

[fearfacmh]

Erin talked to me on AIM today. She said she got tickets for us to go see Muse. That was kinda cool. we just basically talked about normal stuff and what we had been doing. I told her I got a new guitar and read the da vinci code and stuff. At least she talked to me and acted normal. I really dont expect to get back with her, but I feel much better now hearing from her. I'm just going to be myself if she comes back then thats whats supposed to happen. I"m treating it as if its over though just to save myself some pain.

[fearfacmh]

Erin hasn't talked to me since last week. I thought maybe she was getting back to normal but apparently not. I read her blog and she said that she got in bed at 2:30 in the afternoon and didn't get out until 11 am the next day. This is not good. This is a person that needs help. Its been 1 month since Chris died. Apparently she is addicted to cigarettes now too. She said she hasn't eaten or showered. Its so hard for me to see her doing this to herself. She's just letting her self rot away. What can I do? She said that her friends have stood her up over the past weeks. I've been here the whole time. I would never stand her up especially in this situation. I think I might call her mother again. I dont think she is aware how bad this is. It is truly horrible wanting to help someone who wont let you help them.