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So...dating/finding a long-term relationship is like finding a job?


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I'm my 30's and I finally figured out how this whole..dating/long term relationship works..everything is a damn competition-its what a person has to "offer" to the another person..whether is money, looks, cooking skills, bedroom room skills, humor, etc, etc. Its like anyone is replaceable and if you don't fit their needs, they will gladly find it somewhere else. For the longest time, I believed in "soulmates" and the whole, "the big guy upstairs will bring you someone." Such BS. Why would they tell girls these lies? No man, wants some inexperienced woman!

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So, you've spent all of this time waiting for a guy to drop into your lap, when you have nothing to offer?

 

BTW, it's about what two people have to 'offer' each other. If you must use that word.

 

Who told you this fairy tale?

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I'm my 30's and I finally figured out how this whole..dating/long term relationship works..everything is a damn competition-its what a person has to "offer" to the another person..whether is money, looks, cooking skills, bedroom room skills, humor, etc, etc. Its like anyone is replaceable and if you don't fit their needs, they will gladly find it somewhere else. For the longest time, I believed in "soulmates" and the whole, "the big guy upstairs will bring you someone." Such BS. Why would they tell girls these lies? No man, wants some inexperienced woman!

 

You're in your 30s and after all the questions you've asked on here, you *still* believe that the right guy will just fall into your lap? Seriously? :confused:

 

You need more help than this forum can provide I'm afraid.

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Interesting.

 

Last night, I was watching the first episode of a new show called Life or Debt. Basically a financial advisor tries to help a couple get their finances in order.

 

One of the recommendations the advisor made was to run the family's finances like a business.

 

A few years ago, I remember thinking the ideal relationship would be Me+You, Inc. In which the goal of the family would be to make the ... business ... as prosperous as possible.

 

But, not just financially. Spiritually, socially, intellectually, physically and many other ways, a good couple would strive to enrich each other's lives in as many of those as possible.

 

I guess the key to dating is finding that person with whom you can build the most successful partnership with. One that is willing and able to work with you toward fulfilling all of those needs

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I'm my 30's and I finally figured out how this whole..dating/long term relationship works..everything is a damn competition-its what a person has to "offer" to the another person..whether is money, looks, cooking skills, bedroom room skills, humor, etc, etc. Its like anyone is replaceable and if you don't fit their needs, they will gladly find it somewhere else. For the longest time, I believed in "soulmates" and the whole, "the big guy upstairs will bring you someone." Such BS. Why would they tell girls these lies? No man, wants some inexperienced woman!

 

There is a certain amount of that, absolutely. Women still often look for men who will be good providers and husbands. Men look for women who will be good mothers, good domestic skills, good financial partners.

 

Then there is the sexual compatibility component. Different for different people.

 

I wouldn't rule out finding a soul mate just yet. But you need to be realistic. In my case, I'm tubby, almost 50, live in small town America and make less than $250K a year. Prince Harry is not going to come a-calling anytime soon. A 22 year old high school drop out working at McDonalds is not suitable for me. A 35 year old man messages me on OLD. He is more than likely just messing with me, thinking he brings so much more to the table because he is younger and better looking. But at the end of the day, I'm in a 3000 square foot house on several acres of land, eating prime rib and he's having a TV dinner in his studio apartment.

 

Income and education does matter.

 

I have a former friend who has spent a lifetime marrying and dating bad boys. She has a small trust fund. She was in the remedial room all through school, which is where most of the bad boys were. Time and again, these men take her for whatever they can. She's a former friend, so I can say this, she is dumb as a rock, has a shrill voice and constantly babbles. She is also obese, large...more than tubby. She can't cook, won't clean house and is lazy. She's also one of those women who acts helpless about everything. The only thing she brings to the table is her trust fund. These are the only men she can attract.

 

Appearance is usually the first thing that interests people. However, I have formed deep friendships with men (and maybe a certain kind of love), I was not initially attracted to. Their personality, their humor, intellect this stimulated me as well.

 

Great saying....I know what I bring to the table and I'm mot afraid to eat alone.

 

I can't do anything about my age, but I am hoping to lose some weight and work on my appearance after my business sells. I've got a lot to offer...now I just have to find someone who is compatible. Which for me: financial stability, drama-free, hwp, current events knowledgable, intelligence are all things I will look for.

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You're in your 30s and after all the questions you've asked on here, you *still* believe that the right guy will just fall into your lap? Seriously? :confused:

 

You need more help than this forum can provide I'm afraid.

 

No, I said that I didn't believe in that bullcrap anymore, can't you read? Growing up people would tell me these bs lies about men/relationships. I stopped believing in that when I finally starting dating in my mid-20's and got some experience with men. DUH. So, sue me. Like you don't have any love problems since you are a member of this forum here. Mostly the "religious" freaks would tell me these lies. See, why would these dumb people tell me this, when clearly I didn't know and wouldn't bother to tell me the truth about dating?

Edited by Bobbi7
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I'm my 30's and I finally figured out how this whole..dating/long term relationship works..everything is a damn competition-its what a person has to "offer" to the another person..whether is money, looks, cooking skills, bedroom room skills, humor, etc, etc. Its like anyone is replaceable and if you don't fit their needs, they will gladly find it somewhere else. For the longest time, I believed in "soulmates" and the whole, "the big guy upstairs will bring you someone." Such BS. Why would they tell girls these lies? No man, wants some inexperienced woman!

 

If anything, I think most girls get told that life isn't a fairytale. I don't know why you'd have the idea that there's The One waiting for you.

 

And yes, it's all about compatibility with each person having the traits the other is looking for. Given that there are so many people on the planet, it stands to reason that there's another person out there who will meet your needs if person A or B doesn't fit the bill.

 

So, what have you got to offer? What makes you a person who a guy will choose long term?

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See, why would these dumb people tell me this, when clearly I didn't know and wouldn't bother to tell me the truth about dating?

 

Commonsense also comes into play here. Considering how much contradictory information is out the the world, why didn't you internally question what you were told? Did you not spend your 20's saying "this doesn't make sense - there must be another way"?

 

Pretty much everything you hear in life needs to be questioned and considered before you find the theory which works in practice.

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You can choose to be with someone and make it work providing they are compatible enough.

 

 

But you cannot choose who you fall head over heels for.

 

 

I dated high earning secure men who were nice people and were into me. I shrugged them off because I wanted to fall hard for a guy and feel excited about him and I wanted it to feel "right".

 

 

I met my tattood, truck driving boyfriend with a mediocre paid job and who had the same mental illness I did. I just fell for him in a way I COULDN;T just "choose" to fall for more financially secure and mentally stable guys.

 

 

Just like he couldn't CHOOSE to "fall" for the younger and I am sure HOTTER women than me who pursued him and he rejected.......

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I'm my 30's and I finally figured out how this whole..dating/long term relationship works..everything is a damn competition-its what a person has to "offer" to the another person..whether is money, looks, cooking skills, bedroom room skills, humor, etc, etc. Its like anyone is replaceable and if you don't fit their needs, they will gladly find it somewhere else. For the longest time, I believed in "soulmates" and the whole, "the big guy upstairs will bring you someone." Such BS. Why would they tell girls these lies? No man, wants some inexperienced woman!

 

It's true.

 

Meeting someone to marry is like going on a job interview. Yes, there will need to be chemistry even a little will do but mostly men will look at you in that "so what can you do for me" way.

 

Relationships are big business. And, if you're a woman that probably won't make much in the work force it could mean the difference between living in poverty or living a comfortable life.

 

You're in you're 30's. Time is ticking now but since ppl are marrying later you are probably fine.

 

If you want a husband you'll need to be a marketable wife. That's how men will look at you "Why should I settle for this one woman?"

 

Give them reasons.

 

1. Work out

2. Have a list of beauty treatments so hair, skin and nails are perfect.

3. Know how to clean everything and make your own cleaners.

4. Learn how to cook and know the nutritional values in food.

5. Know how to manage money, negotiate contracts and where to get the best prices.

6. Sex skills. Easy enough. Learn what the man likes and doesn't like. Do lots of what he likes and avoid what he doesn't.

7. Learn emotional control...VERY HARD. Men don't like nagging women so you'll have to learn how to cool down and approach things in a logical way. Much harder than the easy sex skills.

8. Know a little about arts, culture, cars, travel etc. Hopefully, you have already did some traveling and can talk first hand about places you've been.

 

 

OK. There is your list. I won't even charge you. :cool:

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scorpiogirl

[]

 

You can be a good cook, fix your hair, be good in bed, but when you have a bad attitude, nothing will make a man stay. It's not a fairytale romance when all you really need is to treat people in a respectful manner.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~6
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You can be a good cook, fix your hair, be good in bed, but when you have a bad attitude, nothing will make a man stay. It's not a fairytale romance when all you really need is to treat people in a respectful manner.

 

My guess is that OP is in a bad mood because she's getting frustrated with dating. Dating can be heartbreaking and brutal. To tell you the truth I have no idea how I lived through the dating experience since I'm pretty emotional. Maybe survival instincts kicked in and pushed me forward.

 

There is a lot of rejection out there and being in constant competition with your peers (especially friends) can push you to the edge. There was a point I was going on so many dates I felt like an unpaid escort. I wish I could tell the OP that her prince will come and he will be handsome, passionate and rich. But the OP can still get married. It's figuring out what is important in the long run before saying "I do" that counts.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~6
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Getting and maintaining a successful relationship requires work.

 

I think many of us get disillusioned and frustrated with the process because we expect it to be easy.

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Rejected Rosebud

It's not like finding a job. But you do have to offer something, and you want to be with someone who offers you something that's very important for you to have in your life.

 

Nobody gets a happy marriage dropped in their lap.

 

I get that you're mad, now that this is clear to you, but just use it to your advantage.

 

I don't agree with the poster who gave you the lists of things you need to do to be a "marketable wife" like having perfect nails. If you're not the "perfect nails" kind of girl (I'm not) just forget about that. Take good care of yourself physically of course, but MOSTLY work on becoming the best person you can be, developing your good qualities and working on lessening your worse ones.

 

Not everybody even ends up with a mate for life, but everybody is in charge of what they make of their own life. That starts with taking an honest look at oneself.

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It's true.

 

Meeting someone to marry is like going on a job interview. Yes, there will need to be chemistry even a little will do but mostly men will look at you in that "so what can you do for me" way.

 

Relationships are big business. And, if you're a woman that probably won't make much in the work force it could mean the difference between living in poverty or living a comfortable life.

 

You're in you're 30's. Time is ticking now but since ppl are marrying later you are probably fine.

 

If you want a husband you'll need to be a marketable wife. That's how men will look at you "Why should I settle for this one woman?"

 

Give them reasons.

 

1. Work out

2. Have a list of beauty treatments so hair, skin and nails are perfect.

3. Know how to clean everything and make your own cleaners.

4. Learn how to cook and know the nutritional values in food.

5. Know how to manage money, negotiate contracts and where to get the best prices.

6. Sex skills. Easy enough. Learn what the man likes and doesn't like. Do lots of what he likes and avoid what he doesn't.

7. Learn emotional control...VERY HARD. Men don't like nagging women so you'll have to learn how to cool down and approach things in a logical way. Much harder than the easy sex skills.

8. Know a little about arts, culture, cars, travel etc. Hopefully, you have already did some traveling and can talk first hand about places you've been.

 

 

OK. There is your list. I won't even charge you. :cool:

 

That was a pretty good list. I would add:

 

9. Know how to make basic house and car repairs OR who to call to fix it.

10. Good teeth/oral hygiene

11. No addictions, gambling, drinking, drugs, pot or cigarettes.

 

Of all the physical care you can do for yourself, dental care is the most upfront expensive. I'm not saying you won't spend more in a lifetime on makeup, skin care and hair products, but dental care can very quickly reach $1000.

 

I did have to laugh a bit at the list. I do my own yard work, cleaning and basic to multi-step home repairs. My nails take a beating. I've always had to work with my hands and never have had long, perfect nails. All i can do is keep them clean and use lotion on my hands.

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I did have to laugh a bit at the list. I do my own yard work, cleaning and basic to multi-step home repairs. My nails take a beating. I've always had to work with my hands and never have had long, perfect nails. All i can do is keep them clean and use lotion on my hands.

 

Gloves and glycerine are a nails best friend. This weekend I spent eight hours doing hard manual labor in the garden. My nails look great. They are a nice length (not too long and not too short) and I rarely wear polish.

 

My mom says I should eat jello to make them stronger. She's probably right.

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losangelena
If you want a husband you'll need to be a marketable wife. That's how men will look at you "Why should I settle for this one woman?"

 

Give them reasons.

 

1. Work out

2. Have a list of beauty treatments so hair, skin and nails are perfect.

3. Know how to clean everything and make your own cleaners.

4. Learn how to cook and know the nutritional values in food.

5. Know how to manage money, negotiate contracts and where to get the best prices.

6. Sex skills. Easy enough. Learn what the man likes and doesn't like. Do lots of what he likes and avoid what he doesn't.

7. Learn emotional control...VERY HARD. Men don't like nagging women so you'll have to learn how to cool down and approach things in a logical way. Much harder than the easy sex skills.

8. Know a little about arts, culture, cars, travel etc. Hopefully, you have already did some traveling and can talk first hand about places you've been.

 

Really? I thought this was actually quite an old-fashioned and cliched list. Be hot, have "perfect" hair and nails, know how to cook and clean? Oh, god, shoot me.

 

No offense, Summer, but I find this list frankly hideous. If that means I stay single for the rest of my life, so be it. I don't want a man who thinks these are the things that make me a "marketable wife." Homey don't play that.

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Really? I thought this was actually quite an old-fashioned and cliched list. Be hot, have "perfect" hair and nails, know how to cook and clean? Oh, god, shoot me.

 

No offense, Summer, but I find this list frankly hideous. If that means I stay single for the rest of my life, so be it. I don't want a man who thinks these are the things that make me a "marketable wife."

 

As much as things change things stay the same. Men today still want a traditional wife, especially since women still are (and always will be) the ones who get pregnant. They take time off of work and usually raise the kids. There are some dads that stay at home and raise the kids but this is rare. Maybe in 50 years things will be different.

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losangelena
As much as things change things stay the same. Men today still want a traditional wife, especially since women still are (and always will be) the ones who get pregnant and take time off of work.

 

Well, I've met enough dudes to know this isn't exactly true.

 

And my opinion still stands. That traditional way of doing things is patently not for me. I'm not interested in being someone's trophy. I'm a fully-formed, standalone person with talents, aspirations, opinions and flaws, and would only ever marry someone who values those same things. I have too many better things to do than keep my hair and nails perfect all the time; to worry about being some kind of domestic goddess. What a shallow marriage that would be.

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Well, I've met enough dudes to know this isn't exactly true.

 

And my opinion still stands. That traditional way of doing things is patently not for me. I'm not interested in being someone's trophy. I'm a fully-formed, standalone person with talents, aspirations, opinions and flaws, and would only ever marry someone who values those same things. I have too many better things to do than keep my hair and nails perfect all the time; to worry about being some kind of domestic goddess. What a shallow marriage that would be.

 

And so am I.

 

Food and shelter are basic components to survival. Appearances are how we are first attracted to someone.

 

Years ago I was going to try speed dating. You only had two minutes to make an impression. I went to a couple of age appropriate clothing stores and explained I needed something that showed clevage. Both of these stores, the salesladies insisted I focus on what is on the inside and proceeded to show me shirts that while nice were not going to get a man to nibble.

 

I went to a Forever 21 type store and the district manager happened to be there and she was around my age. Explained the situation again and she laughed and said, "I know exactly what you need and what you're going for."

 

Now, sadly the speed dating was cancelled, but that is now my "first date" sweater and I usually get a second date offer when I wear it.

 

So, while you may be fantastic, if a man is dating two women of equal appearance and income, but one of them cooks and keeps a spotless domicile while the other has pizza delivery on speed dial and her house is a disaster area, it's going to take something special for him to choose the slob. I'm not saying it's the possible, I just think that a woman who is more proficient with the list than another woman has a better chance of attracting quality.

 

Women have a list as well. It does vary with age. I'd say for an over 45 man it would read like this (in no order):

 

1. No baby mama drama

2. No high maintenance children

3. No addictions

4. Financially stable - bonus if financially solvent (retirement plan or idea)

5. No hobbies that require massive amounts of time and money

6. Physically appealing

7. Bedroom skills

8. Housebroken (teasing) - self government, picks up after himself, doesn't have to be told to do chores, shares domestic workload

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Well, I've met enough dudes to know this isn't exactly true.

 

And my opinion still stands. That traditional way of doing things is patently not for me. I'm not interested in being someone's trophy. I'm a fully-formed, standalone person with talents, aspirations, opinions and flaws, and would only ever marry someone who values those same things. I have too many better things to do than keep my hair and nails perfect all the time; to worry about being some kind of domestic goddess. What a shallow marriage that would be.

 

That's fine. I'm giving her some marriage skills that will help make her more competitive. If they don't work for her she doesn't have to use them. Especially since keeping those skills up isn't easy.

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losangelena

I never said life skills like cooking, cleaning and grooming aren't important. Yes, everyone (women AND men) should cultivate them. But under no circumstances do I think those things need to be at the top of anyone's "wife list." That bugs.

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I never said life skills like cooking, cleaning and grooming aren't important. Yes, everyone (women AND men) should cultivate them. But under no circumstances do I think those things need to be at the top of anyone's "wife list." That bugs.

 

It doesn't sound fair does it? But what is fair and what's reality are not always the same.

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losangelena
It doesn't sound fair does it? But what is fair and what's reality are not always the same.

 

Oh well!

 

Still don't agree that every man wants/needs this.

 

Agree to disagree.

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