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Good people in good marriages do bad things?..


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Dr. Shirley Glass in her much acclaimed book 'Not Just Friends', claims this, so my question is, what do you make of good people in good marriages getting involved in extra marital affairs? ARE they essentially good people making bad decisions? Or are they showing their TRUE colours when betraying their spouses in that 'good' marriage?

 

Does this seem like a contradiction in terms?

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I don't think in terms of good or bad person - it's too binary. I think that all different kinds of people are capable of cheating and for all different kinds of reasons.

 

For instance, a dear friend in an abusive marriage had an affair and it was the catalyst for her finally getting away from the situation. I wish she'd had the strength to leave earlier and on her own, but she didn't. I don't see her as a bad person and she's still with the new guy many years later and he's a lovely bloke. The only bad person in that story was her now ex husband.

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People are far too complicated to be split into such broad categories as "good" or "bad". Good people do bad things, and bad people do good things, all the time. A drug dealer might pay for his mother's cancer treatment, does that make him a good guy? A charity worker might punch someone, does that make her a bad person? People, their decisions and their actions are affected by mood, circumstance, situation, emotions, other people, the weather, etc.

 

Some people choose to have affairs. Does that make them suddenly flip from being a "good person" to a "bad person"? No... because it's not possible to put them into those pigeon holes in the first place. They made decisions which their spouse considers "bad" (although they may not consider them bad themselves!). They may show remorse and it may be genuine. Does that mean they are a good person? It's just too complicated to put the full range of human personality into those categories. And to be honest, it achieves nothing either. Putting someone into a certain category does not undo their actions or make their actions any less "good" or "bad".

 

I'll leave you with a Batman quote. "It’s not what you are underneath. It’s what you do that defines you"

Edited by PegNosePete
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There's little point in trying to pin "good" or "bad" on people. We are all flawed humans.

 

In the spirit of Shirley Glass's assertion, I do think that some people who intend to be faithful and love/enjoy their spouse can have personality flaws that make them more susceptible to cheating.

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There are dozens of reasons someone may have a marital affair. There's no way to know how that person lives or what brings it about unless we're walking in their shoes. I think the terminology used here of " good" of "bad" people is a bad choice of words. Too often life's circumstances dictate temptations. Some people can withstand them...some cannot. And it doesn't have to be concerning affairs. It can come in many forms. Humans are vulnerable in so many aspects.

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WaitingForBardot

While I do believe there are some absolutes in terms of good and bad as far as people go, I don't believe that marital infidelity rises to this level.

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"Bad" versus "good" is simplistic.

 

We all know human behavior lies on a spectrum, and that we all make mistakes. Hell, we're all going to disagree about what a "mistake" even is in many circumstances.

 

For example, many people (men and women) may agree with the following statement:

 

"Most men are hard-wired by millions of years of evolution and instinct to be sexually attracted to physically attractive women and to want to mate with such women. This is a survival instinct meant to spur procreation and the survival of the species."

 

If you agree with this statement, is a married man really a "bad person" for failing to fight this deeply embedded instinct and having an affair with another woman?

 

Think about it before you respond.

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If you agree with this statement, is a married man really a "bad person" for failing to fight this deeply embedded instinct and having an affair with another woman?

If he made a promise in sight of a legally qualified person, gathered friends and family, a minister, and his deity of choice, that he would forsake all others... then, yes.

 

If he believed that claptrap about instinct then he shouldn't have got married and promised to forsake all others.

Edited by PegNosePete
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For example, many people (men and women) may agree with the following statement:

 

"Most men are hard-wired by millions of years of evolution and instinct to be sexually attracted to physically attractive women and to want to mate with such women. This is a survival instinct meant to spur procreation and the survival of the species."

 

If you agree with this statement, is a married man really a "bad person" for failing to fight this deeply embedded instinct and having an affair with another woman?

 

Of course it's bad. He knows it's the wrong thing to do. He just hopes to get away with it.

 

If the potential consequences are strong enough in both probability and severity, any man (or woman) has self control. Would he hit on the object of his desire in front of his wife or her husband? No, he'd have lots of control in that situation, instincts be damned.

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When it comes to people most of us are not evil or good, but a bit of both. We all have insecurities and weakness and in a given moment we all may stray.

People do very stupid things clouded by the moment that after may regret profoundly.

Classify people by their mistakes is as wrong as it can get because one or other way we all will be there in a given moment (making mistakes, not cheating). We (as society) have decided that some mistakes are more unforgivable than others but that is just a point of view and by the statistics (70% of couples where infidelity happens reconcile) when it comes the moment of truth for the most of us an infidelity in a long term relationship is not a deal breaker.

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Humans are imperfect and, yup, pick one, examine their life in detail and one will find an unproductive, unhealthy or plain bad decision or choice in there, probably more than one.

 

I guess the narrative depends on the definition of what a 'good person' and 'good marriage' is. Who decides this? I'll pass on being on that committee :D

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Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

 

Suddenly from the back of the crowd someone fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "MOM !"

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Seriously adulterers come in all shades and moral standing.

 

My wife did not think what she was doing was hurtful or bad at all. Not until years later in therapy did she understand what a fog she was in.

 

On the the other end are people who know what they are doing hurts others - and they don't care.

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