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Observation: It's really hard to find an equal relationship


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Nikki Sahagin

I'm 26 years of age and in my time of dating and relationships and those of friends and family I know closely, truly equal partnerships are few and far between.

 

The relationship is either skewed in the man or woman's favour and there is little compromise.

 

In my general experience, I've found that one partner is always repressing a need to be in the relationship; the desire for better sex, the urge for more conversation or emotional connection, the push for more adventure between the two of you, the need for more control...I really don't know many couples who have this push and pull right.

 

Are 'smooth' relationships just dull? Is this push/pull power dynamic required for 'fun' in a relationship?

 

I know of quite a few women who feel deeply unsatisfied emotionally in their relationships...their partner does not meet their need for conversation, companionship, help with chores, pre-meditating things that will help her i.e. a back massage after looking after the baby etc whilst she bends over backwards to meet his sexual and domestic needs.

 

I've always sworn never to be this woman. I don't want to become a partners 'mummy' when I started as his partner.

 

I think many men also (to be on the flip side) find their sexual sides neglected in relationships.

 

Seems my post has just become a ramble...

 

Is it that hard to find a genuine partnership with someone who sees you as an equal? Who respects you? Cares for you? Helps you? Someone you can be a team with? Does anyone have this?

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Michelle ma Belle

What you're talking about is compromise. Every relationship has it. There aren't many where both partners are 100% in sync 100% of the time. That's the stuff of fairy tales more than anything.

 

Having to compromise is natural and commonplace and not necessarily a bad thing BUT it goes both ways. BOTH partners have to take turns or meet in the middle otherwise it doesn't work. For some people that's more challenging than others.

 

I think communication plays a BIG part in how to avoid getting stuck in one of those black holes you speak about. Then again, you need to be with a partner who's on the same page as you about that otherwise you just end up feeling like you're the only one working in the relationship. And that's a recipe for disaster.

 

I absolutely believe it exists. I've seen it with my brother and wife and had it myself not long ago. At the end of the day, it still doesn't guarantee anything since so many factors can contribute to the end of relationships but it is indeed magical when it does happen.

Edited by Michelle ma Belle
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mystikmind2005

It has been my observation that the most successful relationships develop from people who have good relationships with 'themselves' to begin with.

 

That is why people say all these things such as how important it is to love yourself, be happy in your own skin, don't expect someone else to make you happy.... and yes, guys often become too reliant, even i am guilty of that! Us guys, we need to take full responsibility for our own lives as individuals, and don't let the woman take over (which women love to do at the start of relationships).

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Nikki Sahagin
It has been my observation that the most successful relationships develop from people who have good relationships with 'themselves' to begin with.

 

That is why people say all these things such as how important it is to love yourself, be happy in your own skin, don't expect someone else to make you happy.... and yes, guys often become too reliant, even i am guilty of that! Us guys, we need to take full responsibility for our own lives as individuals, and don't let the woman take over (which women love to do at the start of relationships).

 

Yes, I agree. It's sort of a vicious cycle in the case of such relationships as the man can be lazy/unorganised/chaotic and so the woman, overly-organised, a bit anxious, controlling, tries to arrange it all and the man never had to step up. Perhaps it begins with parenting? My dad was raised to do everything for himself; chores, work, pay bills. My brother has my mum running around doing all chores, making the bed etc. Maybe this is how it starts?

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GunslingerRoland

I feel like my marriage is extremely equal. We both respect each other's decisions and at the same time are both willing to speak up if we disagree and have both made major changes of mind after being convinced from one another.

 

 

We both take equal responsibility although in varying degrees in various parts of our lives.

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I think the key to building an equal relationship is starting that relationship on equal footing. If one partner invests more and puts in a greater level of effort at the beginning, the relationship is already skewed to one side. Sometimes it stays that way, other times you get the pendulum effect.

 

I've had one relationship that I would consider truly equal. We took turns handling everything from day one, including traditional male (driving, paying, planning) and female (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping) tasks.

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I have seen some people have this sort of relationship, and not seeing it more often does also make me worry about whether I will be able to have a true partnership, rather than being a side-kick, or the 'mommy' role, having to make everything happen.

 

However, I understand why it is difficult, because you are dealing with two individuals.

 

From when it works, I see that somehow there is mutual awareness of what each other is taking on, and a natural adjustment to something more equitable (rather than a miserly measuring of 50-50 on every detail), if the one ends up with too much of the burden end of things. In other words, a natural wish to help each other and an ability to accept help.

 

Also, there is a willingness to let one or the other to take the lead on certain things, a flexibility to just go with the flow on certain tasks that th other does and do ones that they are particular about.

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Also, I think relationship problems in other people's lives are often more obvious than a smoothly running one. We take notice of when things are going wrong with our friends. There are relationships that we all know are great, the Morticia and Gomez Addams types. But there are probably a lot of quietly great relationships we do not always notice.

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It has been my observation that the most successful relationships develop from people who have good relationships with 'themselves' to begin with.

 

That is why people say all these things such as how important it is to love yourself, be happy in your own skin, don't expect someone else to make you happy.... and yes, guys often become too reliant, even i am guilty of that! Us guys, we need to take full responsibility for our own lives as individuals, and don't let the woman take over (which women love to do at the start of relationships).

 

Agreed...

 

A lot of these people in bad marriages, relationships, etc either picked poorly out of ignorance (they don't know how to pick someone) or desperation.

 

You should never be in a RL -especially marriage - where decision aren't made for a "team" win, but "me" win. My fav podcaster says the "no" always wins - especially when it comes to major decisions about having kids, money, etc.

 

Like a gf of mine? She does everything to please her sorry husband and she not only makes more than him, but can meet another guy like in an instant, but she started a family knowing he didn't want one, already had kids, lacked ambition, and has substance abuse issues.

 

And, I think she chose her husband cuz she had a loser alcoholic dad...in other words, not happy with herself/childhood.

 

So she wants out but is in too deep financially and with kids to kick his arse to the curb...so, whatever he says "goes".....but IMO, while she thinks her "obedience" is for the best for the kids, IMO, he's still gonna cheat and run them into the poor house. Better she cut bait now, IMO...cuz people who rule RLs with ultimatums, demands, etc will never stop once you show them your belly (a dog shows submission by showing you their tummy).

Edited by Gloria25
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mystikmind2005
Yes, I agree. It's sort of a vicious cycle in the case of such relationships as the man can be lazy/unorganised/chaotic and so the woman, overly-organised, a bit anxious, controlling, tries to arrange it all and the man never had to step up. Perhaps it begins with parenting? My dad was raised to do everything for himself; chores, work, pay bills. My brother has my mum running around doing all chores, making the bed etc. Maybe this is how it starts?

 

Definitely agree toward upbringing!

 

but also it is the early bachelor days. Often when young men move out of home, they learn by necessity to step up - however allot of guys take a very 'minimalist' approach toward chores, that is what i did too. So you end up getting into a relationship with basically zero concept and understanding of the woman's expectations on doing chores.

 

On top of that, during the 'honeymoon' period the woman is eager to please, and the guy may try to lift his game for a while as well, but he doesn't really know what he is doing, so he gets used to the woman doing things. After some time the woman begins to feel taken for granted, and it is the starting point for the relationships long spiral downward to eventual failure.

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I think you are on to something, in that even as single, many women do more in their home to make it a home. When you learn how to cook healthy, for yourself and for visitors, you are more likely to know what work is involved, and better able to both do these things and understand the work that someone else is putting into it. Or someone who rents or owns a home, vs an apartment, with yard chores. Having to do these chores while young also helps.

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I think this, at least in part, is a not taking the time to understand what the other person wants and or needs in a relationship versus the typical approach, which it giving them what we think that should want.

 

When I was with my ex in my 20s, one of the biggest stressors in our relationship was that she felt that every difference between us needed to be "fixed" and she was determined to improve me...whether I liked it or not. The end result was a lot of nagging, fights, and hurt feelings in the end. I also know that she seemed to think that my only demand in the relationship was sexual, and so long as I got that I had no right have any personhood that she didn't assign me.

 

As we get older we start to realize we can do tons of activity, but if it isn't filling a need of your partner, you're not really contributing anything at all. With my wife, I think that best think that she's given me in this relationship has been the respect that I needed.

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I have had equality in every single relationship.

 

There is no way I'd have had a relationship at all unless it was 50/50.

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It's a little depressing when a woman your age has this impression. Where do you live, if I may ask?

 

I felt the same way when I was your age... And there are a ton of men my own age who I'd say fit the description you are describing... But I see tons of men closer to your age who are much better partners.

 

Probably because they grew up with working mothers. I dunno. Maybe find a different circle of friends... Or move to a more progressive part of the country or even a different country if this is the case where you live.

 

Screen out the 'traditionalists' who think it's still the woman's job to do more of the domestic stuff... And the macho guys who usually don't have a lot of emotional depth.

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It really depends on what your notion of 'equality' is. People are driving this thread into the 'gender roles' discussion but I don't know if that's what the OP meant. But my opinion on those is that not EVERYTHING has to be split 50/50 in order for a relationship to be equal. And frankly that's impossible in any relationship that involves having children, because the woman has to be the one that is pregnant for 9 months and go through labour, with the associated effects of that on her career, health, and sex drive. And in most cases one of the parents has to be the one sacrificing their career to some extent to be the childcarer, as it is highly unlikely that both people will be able to get flexible/part time jobs that allow them to do 50% of the childcare and housework while seeing that the bills get paid. So what really matters is that the arrangement is roughly fair in general terms and that both people are happy with it IMO.

 

However, what the OP mentioned sounds a lot more like someone getting all their needs met and the other person not. I think such cases are not always black-and-white - I think in many failed Rs BOTH people think that their needs aren't getting met. So the root issue is not really equality so much as lack of compatibility and lack of compromise.

 

I do think that a few Rs genuinely are skewed, but I wouldn't say it happens to the frequency that you say it does.

Edited by Elswyth
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I'm 26 years of age and in my time of dating and relationships and those of friends and family I know closely, truly equal partnerships are few and far between.

That is because you are 26...

 

Is it that hard to find a genuine partnership with someone who sees you as an equal? Who respects you? Cares for you? Helps you? Someone you can be a team with? Does anyone have this?

I have this. But I am in my 50s and it took a long time to find it. I had to wait until my late 40s, truth be told, until I was able to find all that you describe.

 

I never had it in my 20s or 30s...

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I'm in a traditional relationship and we have an equal marriage. When two people choose their rules and roles, it is equal.

We are happy,

G

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That is because you are 26...

 

 

I have this. But I am in my 50s and it took a long time to find it. I had to wait until my late 40s, truth be told, until I was able to find all that you describe.

 

I never had it in my 20s or 30s...

 

You give me hope....:) especially as a woman approaching my 40's and tired of kissing a lot of frogs.

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I feel like I have this in my marriage. Relationships are fluid so there are times that things are skewed in one person's "favor" more than the other but big picture it evens out.

 

We utilize each other's strengths, support each other and make sure we are refilling each other's love bank. I think people are more vocal about the negative in their lives than the good (which I don't understand as speaking poorly of your SO is so disrespectful). Somehow complaining seems to be expected/bonding experience.

 

While I did not grow up seeing healthy relationships I have put a lot of work into making myself healthy and understanding what is needed. I also know how easy it is for a good relationship to go sideways so we are committed to investing in our marriage everyday.

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