Why would someone stay in a bad/unhealthy relationship?

[marcusdevilliers]

Why do people stay? do they really stay because of love. or attachment or just the fear of being alone. the reason im asking is because i was in a relationship that lasted almost 3 years. first relationship first everything. we broke up and now im seeing all her faults, she wasnt a great parthner to me.

 

I tried to figure out why i let myself be treated that way, i think it was just because we saw each other alot and i was always willing to make things work even tho i was treated like ****. So whats your opinion.

 

Why do people stay in bad relationships?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Honestly there are so many reasons.

 

1) Scared they won't find love again or scared to start over (fear of unknown; better the devil you know)

2) A level of comfort/security in the relationship i.e. predictability, shared finances, joint mortgage, bank accounts

3) Marriage or children (feels harder to walk away)

4) Low self-esteem

 

I believe that people find the relationship that reflects how they feel about themselves. If you value yourself, you will find a high-value partner who treats you well. If you don't value yourself or value your partner more, you will accept a low-value partner who makes you feel badly.

 

Of course some people notice that their partner changes over time and don't want to leave too soon...they hope that their partner will change back to who they thought their partner was at the start.

[Gloria25]

Honestly there are so many reasons.

 

1) Scared they won't find love again or scared to start over (fear of unknown; better the devil you know)

2) A level of comfort/security in the relationship i.e. predictability, shared finances, joint mortgage, bank accounts

3) Marriage or children (feels harder to walk away)

4) Low self-esteem

 

I believe that people find the relationship that reflects how they feel about themselves. If you value yourself, you will find a high-value partner who treats you well. If you don't value yourself or value your partner more, you will accept a low-value partner who makes you feel badly.

 

Of course some people notice that their partner changes over time and don't want to leave too soon...they hope that their partner will change back to who they thought their partner was at the start.

 

PERFECT!!!!

 

I agree...the only thing I'll add is:

 

5. Pressures from family, society, church, etc.

 

6. Embarassment (ie shame you couldn't keep your marriage/family together, the only "single" person in your social circles, wanting to follow the herd to gain "acceptance, recognition").

 

7. "Needs"...like wanting to "fix" an alcoholic parent by marrying an alcoholic.

[loveflower]

7. "Needs"...like wanting to "fix" an alcoholic parent by marrying an alcoholic.

 

Really? shouldn't that be avoided instead? that's quite ambitious to try to fix someone. heck, I have a hard time trying to fix myself.

[Gloria25]

Really? shouldn't that be avoided instead? that's quite ambitious to try to fix someone. heck, I have a hard time trying to fix myself.

 

Well, a lot of us relive our childhoods within our relationships with a mate. Some of us even try to recreate our childhood....let's say your dad was abusive, well as sick as it was you go for guys who treat you bad cuz that's what you learned growing up.

 

Some people also chose "fixer uppers" to distract from work they need on themselves.

 

And then some people just run out and have a family cuz they want a 2nd chance on a happy childhood, so they make one immediately. Sometimes they do it right, sometimes they repeat the same abusive patterns learned in their childhood.

[Wewon]

Why do people stay? do they really stay because of love. or attachment or just the fear of being alone. the reason im asking is because i was in a relationship that lasted almost 3 years. first relationship first everything. we broke up and now im seeing all her faults, she wasnt a great parthner to me.

 

I tried to figure out why i let myself be treated that way, i think it was just because we saw each other alot and i was always willing to make things work even tho i was treated like ****. So whats your opinion.

 

Why do people stay in bad relationships?

 

 

We've all been there and for a variety of reasons. In your case (and mine when I was younger) I think that it had to do with having little to no frame of reference to know the boundary between "working it out" and being treated like crap. Most of the information that you get on relationships is that they're a lot of work. There may also be a feeling that any demands that you have is considered "whining", so your don't voice them as effectively.

 

On the bright side, now that you've been through this relationship and recognize that there was a problem there is little chance that you will repeat this. You will also be a lot more likely to speak up on what you want.

[marcusdevilliers]

I believe that people find the relationship that reflects how they feel about themselves. If you value yourself, you will find a high-value partner who treats you well. If you don't value yourself or value your partner more, you will accept a low-value partner who makes you feel badly.

 

I think this was my situation. just having a gf made me feel btr about myself and i got so caught up with her i never put myself first. i always put her first and made the long run wen things were just easy for her. my mistake though. learnt alot from it and i have come a long way.

[craw]

It's because its hard to let go of someone you love.

[Gloria25]

I believe that people find the relationship that reflects how they feel about themselves. If you value yourself, you will find a high-value partner who treats you well. If you don't value yourself or value your partner more, you will accept a low-value partner who makes you feel badly.

 

I think this was my situation. just having a gf made me feel btr about myself and i got so caught up with her i never put myself first. i always put her first and made the long run wen things were just easy for her. my mistake though. learnt alot from it and i have come a long way.

 

I agree in part...

 

I don't agree that you'll stay with someone who makes you feel "bad". I mean, who wants that?

 

I do agree that if you don't feel you're attractive, smart, lovable enough, you'll "settle" for just about anything and sometimes that "anything" can be the bane of your existence.

 

I also believe that regardless about how you feel about yourself, you stick with someone who isn't good for you cuz of what that person "does" for you. Like, let's say you had a difficult father, so you seek out difficult men cuz they remind you of "daddy" - as bad as that sounds. It doesn't mean that they are hitting you upside your head with a stick.

 

And you justify all the crap they put you though. Like if they don't want you to have friends, you say "oh, I didn't need Joe Blow anyways, I prefer spending time with my gf". If they say "let's get married NOW" you say, "what the heck, I'm getting older anyways".

[Gloria25]

It's because its hard to let go of someone you love.

 

Uh, I believe calling it "love" is the problem...

 

Call it for what it is: desperation, obsession, loneliness - anything "but" love.

 

My fav podcaster considers love as "awe, admiration, respect". How can you admire and respect someone who is treating you badly?

[StBreton]

Shallow reasons but these happen:

 

- sex is amazing

- partner is very attractive

- partner has a lot of $$

[loveflower]

Well, a lot of us relive our childhoods within our relationships with a mate. Some of us even try to recreate our childhood....let's say your dad was abusive, well as sick as it was you go for guys who treat you bad cuz that's what you learned growing up.

 

Some people also chose "fixer uppers" to distract from work they need on themselves.

 

And then some people just run out and have a family cuz they want a 2nd chance on a happy childhood, so they make one immediately. Sometimes they do it right, sometimes they repeat the same abusive patterns learned in their childhood.

 

but why people do that? because? they don't know better? that's their field of vision?

 

I don't understand maybe because growing up my father was sort of like my hero. He was educated, unlike most of my classmates' dad in my village, and he used to travel around the country. Growing up I didn't see anything wrong with my father.

 

Sadly...all these seems changed now. I just had a huge blowup with my father 2 days ago. I don't have a car now after my old car broken down and don't really want to buy a new car soon. and I had a professional event I needed to go to in the evening. so I called him 2 hours in advance and he said he will come back so I could use it. half hours before the event I called he told me he just told the turn to a shop where he drop off winter melon he grows on his rented hobby farm. so 1 hour after the event he came back, I was so pissed off I couldn't understand how he could do that to me. He could do the drop off in the morning. so I told him not to ask me to do anything for him from now on. It broke my heart. Never thought my relationship with my father could become like this.

 

I don't know if it is because of his old age. he is becoming more and more selfish and stubborn. I think maybe coming to N.A in middle age changed him. heck he still can't master the language after decades. and he smokes very heavily now.

 

Of course, I should blame myself. I don't even taking care of myself well.

 

sigh, so many things turned out to be the opposite of what I used to believe after coming to north america. Such as love and marriage. I grew up believing marriage is forever and you only love once.

 

sigh, life...so ironic and dramatic and could be so heavy. when something is not well, everything else could be affected.

Edited November 26, 2015 by loveflower

[Gloria25]

but why people do that? because? they don't know better? that's their field of vision?

 

I don't understand maybe because growing up my father was sort of like my hero. He was educated, unlike most of my classmates' dad in my village, and he used to travel around the country. Growing up I didn't see anything wrong with my father.

 

Sadly...all these seems changed now. I just had a huge blowup with my father 2 days ago. I don't have a car now after my old car broken down and don't really want to buy a new car soon. and I had a professional event I needed to go to in the evening. so I called him 2 hours in advance and he said he will come back so I could use it. half hours before the event I called he told me he just told the turn to a shop where he drop off winter melon he grows on his rented hobby farm. so 1 hour after the event he came back, I was so pissed off I couldn't understand how he could do that to me. He could do the drop off in the morning. so I told him not to ask me to do anything for him from now on. It broke my heart. Never thought my relationship with my father could become like this.

 

I don't know if it is because of his old age. he is becoming more and more selfish and stubborn. I think maybe coming to N.A in middle age changed him. heck he still can't master the language after decades. and he smokes very heavily now.

 

Of course, I should blame myself. I don't even taking care of myself well.

 

sigh, so many things turned out to be the opposite of what I used to believe after coming to north america. Such as love and marriage. I grew up believing marriage is forever and you only love once.

 

sigh, life...so ironic and dramatic and could be so heavy. when something is not well, everything else could be affected.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but what I posted may not apply to your particular situation. Maybe talking with a counselor and/or some real introspective thinking can help you reach to the "why's" you do this/that.

 

Maybe cuz your father traveled alot and wasn't around? I don't know, it will take talking to you, breaking down barriers, etc. to find out the "why's".

[loveflower]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but what I posted may not apply to your particular situation. Maybe talking with a counselor and/or some real introspective thinking can help you reach to the "why's" you do this/that.

 

Maybe cuz your father traveled alot and wasn't around? I don't know, it will take talking to you, breaking down barriers, etc. to find out the "why's".

 

Thanks for reading. I guess I just wanted to vent a little and talking to myself.

 

I don't think counseling really work. Last year when I had free counselling as part of a company benefits, I didn't find counseling over the phone really helpful. I was having other issues, not this family issue though.

 

I find reading people's comments in this forum are much more illuminating than talking to professional. Maybe the counseling was free, so I got what I 'paid' for? anyway, can't afford counseling now. I have been reading some self help books in recent years.

[casey.lives]

Because it's not bad enough. everyone has different degrees

[thefooloftheyear]

Kids...........

 

 

TFY

[craw]

Uh, I believe calling it "love" is the problem...

 

Call it for what it is: desperation, obsession, loneliness - anything "but" love.

 

My fav podcaster considers love as "awe, admiration, respect". How can you admire and respect someone who is treating you badly?

I can't speak for anyone who is in an abusive relationship.

Depends how you define bad, I'm technically in bad relationship. Bad, that he is introverted, doesn't support ALL of my needs. I still love him and his companionship.

[Divasu]

Essentially with abusive relationships, it is because the offender is both a master manipulator ('evil'), and brainwashes his/her victim - sometime through no fault of their own - sometimes willingly.

 

Abuse in itself 'nature' is a cycle.

[regine_phalange]

Many reasons.

 

But let's say that nothing is 100% bad. It may be 80% bad and 20% good, and this 20% to be so powerful that makes you forget the other 80%.

 

..At least until you get some presence of mind and realise that you are in a ridiculous situation.

[BC1980]

I think it's often for security and fear of the unknown. Kind of like "the devil you know" is better than the unknown. Other than that, I think it's probably practical stuff like finances and kids. Some people would rather maintain a certain lifestyle and suffer. They feel it's worth the price. My aunt was telling me about her neighbor whose husband physically abuses her. They live in an affluent neighborhood. Her neighbor said she would never leave because she would have to give up her huge house and lifestyle. So there ya go. I'm sure that happens more than we think.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think it's often for security and fear of the unknown. Kind of like "the devil you know" is better than the unknown. Other than that, I think it's probably practical stuff like finances and kids. Some people would rather maintain a certain lifestyle and suffer. They feel it's worth the price. My aunt was telling me about her neighbor whose husband physically abuses her. They live in an affluent neighborhood. Her neighbor said she would never leave because she would have to give up her huge house and lifestyle. So there ya go. I'm sure that happens more than we think.

 

True...

 

The reality is that you can throw all of it in the toilet......and be worse off than you started...Sure it could be better, but it could also be, in fact, worse...

 

All relationships offer is hope and potential....little more ...

 

TFY

[BC1980]

True...

 

The reality is that you can throw all of it in the toilet......and be worse off than you started...Sure it could be better, but it could also be, in fact, worse...

 

All relationships offer is hope and potential....little more ...

 

TFY

 

The thing is I get it. I'm not saying it's healthy or ideal in any way, but I understand the mindset of staying with someone for security. Because leaving is scary, and you have to be fully prepared to walk and never look back. I think it can take years to get to that point in some cases. It's hard to start over. In my last relationship, I remember two times that I considered leaving, but I never could muster up the courage to do it because I knew that if I walked, I had to be serious about it. When you have a life with someone, it can be difficult to extricate yourself from that situation for a variety of reasons. I would have to leave his son and his family, and I would probably never see them again. It's not an easy decision.

Edited November 27, 2015 by BC1980

[marcusdevilliers]

Well in my case she broke up with me. Wow was i pathetic after. cried, begged, did all the wrong things. until october though, i went full fledge no contact. got my act together, put my balls in my pants and i never spoke to her again until she messaged me. nothing much just hyd and that stuff.

 

My problem was believing in her words more than her actions. and those words have burnt me to the ground because all she said doesnt mean ****, and all she did, same thing, doesnt mean ****. Theres no going back to her. she broke my heart so many times, i always let it go.

 

I never even thought about breaking up with her. Im glad she broke up with me though, she looked like she was never truly gonna be good to me.

 

Words are poison people, pay attention to actions. They depict who a person truly is. Someone can promise you everything, and make 0 effort.