Eternal Sunshine Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I wonder about this and am not sure if my expectations are too high. I have never been with a guy that genuinely put my health above his (what I consider) minor needs. As an example, the current guy I have been dating on and off for 8 months and me had the following conversation. He dislikes the condoms and wants to stop using them. I can not handle the pill. I have tried a huge number of different brands and they make me feel ill. I have nearly constant nausea, tiredness and weight gain. So I tell the current guy this and he STILL pressures me to go on the pill. I have had similar argument with previous bfs and it seemed none could let it go even when I explained it. Ditto for trying sexual acts I am not comfortable with or even having the flu. They would act like it's an annoyance. Most of them pretend to let those "pill conversations" or "sexaul acts conversations" go momentarily only to bring them up at another point in time. I have never been married or had many multi-year relationships. I wonder that if you are dating someone for say 6-12 months is it still too early to genuinely care about their wellbeing? At what point do you care? And I don't mean pretend-care just to make yourself seem nice. I have always had extremely loving parents that have put my needs above anything. They would literally walk to the end of the earth for me. I know this is unrealistic to expect in romantic relationships but I have no real stadnards against which to compare what's "normal". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I tell the current guy this and he STILL pressures me to go on the pill. What an incredibly selfish and inconsiderate pr*ck. If I were a woman this would certainly be a deal-breaker and I wouldn't see him again. Complete douchebag behaviour. At what point do you care? From day 1. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
TheArtist Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I cared about my ex from the first date. 'I wonder what she thought of me? I hope I made her laugh enough. Did she get home all right?'. If there's a connection then you care quickly. I don't think this is something you're going to be able to change about him. Why not try those ultra thin, super sensitive condoms? If that's still no good for him then I'd dump him the next time he asks to do it without. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 It's usually a mutual thing. My care for him reflects his care for me, and vice versa. Do you care about his health and wellbeing? If you do, and it isn't mutual, that is really bad. You shouldn't be investing care in someone who doesn't care about you. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 This isn't even about care. It's common courtesy and basic human decency. I would not treat a stranger like that, let alone someone I've been dating, or hope to have further dates with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Day 1. Find a guy who cares about others from day one. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I pretty much care about everyone's well being and put that above my own.. But I guess if you say that you are "on and off" with this guy, then maybe he sees it as a casual thing and doesn't value you in the same way a "traditional" partner would-so he's thinking more about whats best for him......Just a thought.... TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Not only is that not "caring" about your well-being and wishes, its straight disrespecting you in my opinion. I would say my F' buddies have shown more respect and care than these boy friends you describe! Sexual act off the table? Then it's off the table, never had someone push an issue like that, its selfish and disrespectful to do so.... And to disregard your health? Jeebus.... Yeah not cool, at any point in any relationship. I don't think it's unrealistic to expect someone who loves you, or even really cares about you, to show that at a level that reminds you of how your parents cared for you. I remember early in my relationship I came down with a horrible flu / fever. Dear BF, despite not knowing much about cooking - spent the better half of a day making chicken soup from scratch, and waited on me hand and foot. But I do the same for him in a heart beat. Hell, even my F' buddies got a killer massage if their back hurt or something, I wanted them to feel good! And happy I could provide that. Lastly, not for this jerk.... But like you I can't take hormonal BC. I have been lucky with a combo of spermicide and his mad pull out game.... Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 People who love each other DO genuinely care about each others well being! But they don't necessarily need to put it above their own, as you put in in one of your posts. Anyway the guy you dated and the condom situation is not normal, he is a selfish butthole. A very selfish person is not going to ever care that much about somebody else's well being especially if it puts them out at all. :mad: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 I pretty much care about everyone's well being and put that above my own.. But I guess if you say that you are "on and off" with this guy, then maybe he sees it as a casual thing and doesn't value you in the same way a "traditional" partner would-so he's thinking more about whats best for him......Just a thought.... TFY This is the reason we are on and off. I have broken up with him over stuff like this. When I point it out to him, he would be extremely apologetic and tell me that he loves me etc etc. Then it would happen again. This is mostly to do with him putting his sexual needs above everything else, including my health. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I have broken up with him over stuff like this. Why on earth don't you stay broken up? Do you think he'll "change"? Disrespectful jerks don't become nice, caring guys overnight. Especially if they know you're a pushover. Why would he change if he knows he can just say some BS and get back with you? He treats you worse than most people would treat a stranger or a dog in the street! But you keep on taking him back. If you don't respect yourself then who will? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Dude sounds like a huge prick (and not in a good way!). I don't think he views you as anything more than a FWB from the sounds of it, regardless of what he claims to feel. It would probably be best for you to go 'off' him and stay off. That being said I also don't think it's reasonable to expect one's partner to always 'put your needs above everything else' as your parents do (and you are very fortunate with your parents!). I think a parent-child love is different from the romantic sort of love, as it should be. They should prioritize your needs sometimes, and you should prioritize theirs sometimes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 You have basically just dated uncaring, not so nice guys. Genuinely nice guys would care about your basic health and well being from the get go. Nice people are caring. My boyfriend put my health above his own within a month; overseas I got robbed in South America and he immediately stopped work and lost his job just so he could be there to appease me ( my passport was also taken...) On the other hand, my ex prior to him was crazy about me yet lacked the empathy level to care much about my health and well being; I woke up next to him and vomited once and he just said " oh man, should I go home?" Despite being into me, he never developed the capacity to truly miss me or care about my health in one year together. I have dated a handful of guys who really were nice and cared about me from the outset; there are far more cold people out there than the caring ones though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mike_89 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I start caring about my partner's health pretty quickly but I would never put her health above mine if they would be directly opposed. Good health is the greatest gift one can receive and in my opinion you shouldn't risk it for anything or anybody. What you're saying is something different though, using the pill has a direct influence on your health (those risks that come with the pill are nothing to be sneezed at!!) and he still puts that below the relatively minor issue of using condoms, that's some quite selfish behaviour. The least you could expect of him was to do some research on other ways of contraception which might not affect you in the same way (such as an IUD). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 When to start caring? Um, from day one when you become a couple, if not sooner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 From the get-go for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 So why are you staying with this guy? Waste of time/love. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 (edited) Cripes. I've gone on my share of dates where I wasn't interested, but even in those cases, I STILL made sure the girl got to her car and at least started her drive home safely. Even if it meant going out of my way a bit. Asking a woman to go on the pill and be perpetually sick because he doesn't like the feel of condoms, is the sign of a non-sex-worthy guy. Doesn't matter if it is 8 months in or only one date in. Edited November 24, 2015 by Imajerk17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I think caring is a day 1 type thing and it really depends on the type of person. I don't think you can go from not caring to caring. I do think you can go from not caring to pretend caring (which is basically an expression of your own self interest). I also think you can go from caring just a little to caring a whole lot. But when it comes to caring, you either do or you don't and it is all about the level of compassion for others, empathy and respect that you have in yourself. This guy doesn't seem to have any. Aside: have you considered getting an IUD? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Aside: have you considered getting an IUD? If she is happy with the guys using condoms then why should she? Having a mature, adult conversation with a partner about contraception is one thing. Finding ways to appease a douchebag who doesn't care about anything but himself, is another thing entirely! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 If your partner is showing disregard for your physical, emotional or mental well being, then they don't care about you. Ultimately it is up to YOU and you only to put yourself first and make sure that you don't compromise your boundaries. If your body doesn't suit the pill (and many women's do not, mine included!) then find a man who respects and cares for you enough to use condoms (which realistically most people should do anyway to avoid STI's as well as pregnancy). Link to post Share on other sites
MrDuck Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I've had short term flings where we were having a bit of fun, I certainly wouldn't say I cared deeply for them, but I did still care that they were safe, well, and we we're on the same page. I looked out for them while we were together. Would I of got too close if they had a case of the flu: probably not. Did I make sure she got home safe, that she was always comfortable with anything we we're doing, that I brought her painkillers and water in the morning if she was hung over: naturally, of course. That said I worked with and was friends with my girlfriend before we started dating, I heard talk around that maybe she was into me (which is always a nice ego boost, and she is beautiful and super cool) but I certainly wasn't looking for a serious relationship but one of the things (if not the biggest) that made me realise that I wanted this was when it dawned on me just how much I cared about her 'wellbeing' as you called it. I wanted to take some weight off her shoulders at work if she was feeling under the weather. I was honestly worried about her driving a car with potential issues to the garage. It genuinely hurt me to see her worried about something, I'd of done what ever I could to help her. (Oh, and I didn't give a s*** about catching her cold if I could make her feel better ) This is before we started dating, and she's a tough chick! I don't know how you could ever be dating someone seriously and not care about them! That makes you some special kind of cold jerk in my book. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 So I finally ended it with 8 months guy for good. He is moving to another state in 6 months. He suggested that I move too, but I am not in love with him, so leaving my job for this is out of the question. LDR is out of the question too. He suggested to keep spending time together and "dating" until he leaves, basically a FWB arrangement. I told him that is a waste of my time. And so it finally ends. I am 100% free to date others 5 Link to post Share on other sites
chapter44 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I think I generally am concerned with everyone's well being and health that I chose to spend time with. I would never ask someone to do something that made them feel sick or unhealthy and I wouldn't expect them to ask the same of me. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 (edited) I wonder about this and am not sure if my expectations are too high. I have never been with a guy that genuinely put my health above his (what I consider) minor needs. As an example, the current guy I have been dating on and off for 8 months and me had the following conversation. He dislikes the condoms and wants to stop using them. I can not handle the pill. I have tried a huge number of different brands and they make me feel ill. I have nearly constant nausea, tiredness and weight gain. So I tell the current guy this and he STILL pressures me to go on the pill. I have had similar argument with previous bfs and it seemed none could let it go even when I explained it. Ditto for trying sexual acts I am not comfortable with or even having the flu. They would act like it's an annoyance. Most of them pretend to let those "pill conversations" or "sexaul acts conversations" go momentarily only to bring them up at another point in time. I have never been married or had many multi-year relationships. I wonder that if you are dating someone for say 6-12 months is it still too early to genuinely care about their wellbeing? At what point do you care? And I don't mean pretend-care just to make yourself seem nice. I have always had extremely loving parents that have put my needs above anything. They would literally walk to the end of the earth for me. I know this is unrealistic to expect in romantic relationships but I have no real stadnards against which to compare what's "normal". I don't think this coincides with time frame but about what kind of person you are. These guys seems self-absorbed and selfish and that's usually a durable character trait that persists rather than it being about the length of the relationship. Likely, the longer you're with guys like that the LESS likely they will consider your well being, as usually in the beginning people at least pretend to be better than they are, and then taking the person for granted and being more selfish usually comes with more time being together. I think it's about the guys, not the time spent. I think guys who aren't self-absorbed and have empathy will be more understanding regardless of time frame and those who aren't don't magically get there with time. That's been my experience. Considerate, caring guys have been that way with me from beginning and selfish, self-absorbed ones who put all their desires over mine are that way from the beginning and do little and then big things that make it obvious that the bottom line is them. If a man isn't treating you well or you find that he puts himself over your well-being and health simply so he feels good, don't be fooled into thinking it's because you've only been together for a short time, no, he's just not a decent person. Decency is there or isn't IMO, it'snot one of those things that grows with time. On another note: there is also the patch and IUDs like Mirena as well as shots if the pill doesn't work for you. Plenty of other options. I don't think these guys should pressure you to get on the pill but perhaps part of it is that they may feel you are adamant about it without trying other options. How long have you been together? In any event, if we haven't been together long (even if we have) you can't tell me what to put in my body or do with my body but in mutually caring relationships I think a discussion about your options (if no pill what else can you do etc) should be had and not pressure by one partner for the other one to do something with/to their body they don't want to or adamant rejection of one option without looking at others by the other. Edited December 1, 2015 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
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