Girlfriend's past still causing problems

[dj572]

I met a wonderful woman back in February. We had an instant connection and for the most part things have been great. From the start I vowed to be open and honest about my past and she has been open with me but some things took her longer to share with me.

Early on she told me she had been in an abusive relationship a few years prior to meeeting me. She told me some details enough to understand why some things bother her. She said it lasted less than a year but he did cause her some issues. He was mostly verbally abusive and she left when he got physical. She didn't even tell me his name for a long time. As far as I was concerned I didn't need to know I just wanted to help her to forget her past like I have tried to do. There were times something would come up that bothered her and she would tell me it was scars from the past. I understand I have my scars to but I haven't been through the things she has.

 

Now from early on when I met her she told me she had a male friend named John. She said they were good friends and used to hang out a lot but he had a new girlfriend so she didn't see him or talk to him much anymore. She had a dog that she said still belonged to him. She said he let her keep him but he retained ownership since he was an expensive breed and he wanted to breed him at some point. Well one day he called and said he was taking him back after she had kept him for 3 years. She was hurt because she loved the dog but she said John was like that and he wouldn't change his mind. I was upset that he would do that to her and I couldn't understand it. The night before he came to get the dog she confessed that he was the abusive a**hole she had dated. I was floored.

I asked her why she didn't tell me and she said she didn't know how to explain and she didn't know how I would take it. It took me awhile to process the situation and I considered just walking away but she really is an incredible woman and I couldn't walk away. She said eveb though it hurt to give up the dog it was best so there would be no more ties with John. I couldn't understand why she considered him a friend after what he put her through. I asked her and she said he was different when they weren't dating. I still don't understand that part and I don't guess I ever will.

 

She asked that I stay away the day he took the dog until he left because she was afraid I would do something to John and end up in trouble. I wanted to smash his face in but I know that doesn't solve anything so I stayed away until he left. She severed all ties with John after that and I honestly wouldn't still be with her if she hadn't.

 

After some time we adopted a little dog from the pound and he has helped her heal. We had a long talk after the ordeal to make sure there were no more surprises in store. She assured me there wasn't and it has been a few months now and things are going great most of the time. There are still things that pop up sometimes that reminds her of the way he did her and it bothers her.

 

Recently a coworker has confided in her and she is in a similar abusive relationship. She has tried to talk to her friend and help her have the courage to kick out her boyfriend but he keeps coming back. My girlfriend and her coworker planned a girls day on Sunday and her friend stood her up and wouldn't return her texts or phone calls. She said she is sure it is her friends abusive boyfriend controlling her like John did her.

 

My girlfriend called me today and said that seeing her friend go through this is bringing back bad memories for her. She told me she was going home and turning down her phone and disconnecting. She sent me one text to let me know she is ok. I have made it clear I will be there for her I will stay away if thats what she needs but honestly I don't always know what to do or what to say. This is new territory for me. I know it's not something you can just turn off. Sometimes I have been able to redirect her thoughts but sometimes I can't do anything. Times like these I feel lost and I don't know what to do. I want her to be able to forget her past and I hope she can. I will do my best to be supportive and hope I am doing and saying the right things.

[mystikmind2005]

Your probably overthinking everything too much? Try to let go of logic and be more intuitive to what she actually needs from you

 

PS: is that creep going to pay her for any upkeep to the dog? I bet not.... perhaps don't mention this! lol

[casey.lives]

The past is not meant to be in the present so... Just don't be afraid to ask questions.. and talk it out with your girlfriend. If you're not comfortable with someone stuck in a time warp.. you have the prerogative to not be subjected to a time-lapse. I would look into her history with boundaries, and take it from there. You have a body able person who CAN give you concrete directions and insight. . COMMUNICATE. **intuition is for the abstract. Good Luck

Edited November 18, 2015 by casey.lives

[sandylee1]

Is she open to trying therapy for the issues?

On your part..just be loving and kind. Be there and don't disappoint her. Patience is required in this situation too.

 

She needs to know you'll always have her back as a a supportive boyfriend...and she'll know that not all men are like her Ex.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Exactly none of the vibes from your thread hint that your girlfriend is concealing any true feelings or interactions with John, so that's good on all fronts.

 

 

And everything about your report suggests that she IS telling you the entire reasons for her occasional reactions to abusive memories or situations.

 

 

It will take some time, but eventually your secure environment shared together, created in largest part by you, will become your girlfriend's new norm, and you'll be OK.

 

 

You don't mention anything about your girlfriend's childhood, which is an important variable. For IF (as usual) she was trained in the ways of tolerating abusive behavior, then her present-day traits are much more deep-rooted than you let-on here. And that would change the score considerably.

 

The most sensible guess is there is was some abuse/(maybe alcoholism?) in her immediate environment during her early years (prior to age 12, lets say)... and it may help you to find out more about that, and match it TO her susceptibility for abusive adult relationships. When people are otherwise 'consistent' in such environs, it can be very difficult to take/keep them away from what is most familiar to them.

[dj572]

Exactly none of the vibes from your thread hint that your girlfriend is concealing any true feelings or interactions with John, so that's good on all fronts.

 

 

And everything about your report suggests that she IS telling you the entire reasons for her occasional reactions to abusive memories or situations.

 

 

It will take some time, but eventually your secure environment shared together, created in largest part by you, will become your girlfriend's new norm, and you'll be OK.

 

 

You don't mention anything about your girlfriend's childhood, which is an important variable. For IF (as usual) she was trained in the ways of tolerating abusive behavior, then her present-day traits are much more deep-rooted than you let-on here. And that would change the score considerably.

 

The most sensible guess is there is was some abuse/(maybe alcoholism?) in her immediate environment during her early years (prior to age 12, lets say)... and it may help you to find out more about that, and match it TO her susceptibility for abusive adult relationships. When people are otherwise 'consistent' in such environs, it can be very difficult to take/keep them away from what is most familiar to them.

 

Her mother was an alcoholic and was never very supportive and her dad has an anxiety disorder and he was not there for her either. She has a better relationship with them now. They are divorced and have both remarried and are have gotten help with their issues. Neither are supportive of her like my parents have always been with me. I haven't seen her parents as an issue but it makes sense that it could be an underlying issue.