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Girlfriend spending the night at someone elses house after night out


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Hello,

 

so I am with my girlfriend for about a year now. This happened during the weekend:

 

She went out with two single friends. They went to a halloween show. There they hooked up with some strangers and went to their house for the rest of the night till 7am when she came home. Now, she said that nothing happened and that her friends wanted to go but she haven't said that she was against going. I don't seem to trust her enough and she surely didn't go out of the way to reassure me. Just some blunt superfluous explanation. I have to say that it bothers me. I don't have anything against her going to the club occasionaly but spending the night at some starngers house after clubbing seems just too much for me.

 

How would you react and is some jelousy in this situation acceptable?

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Were the strangers dudes? If they were I would say the chances are not good that your GF is lying.

 

Regardless, if that was my GF I would be UPSET to all hell.

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If you two are in a committed relationship, I would tell her that she is jeopardizing the relationship with both her action and lack of an explanation. From her decision to spend the night, she likely doesn't care.

 

I would be thinking of looking for an exit strategy if it were me. This would be a deal breaker based on the lack of communication If you can't trust her (doesn't sound like she has earned that trust from what you are saying) there is not much of a relationship.

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Were the strangers dudes? If they were I would say the chances are not good that your GF is lying.

 

Regardless, if that was my GF I would be UPSET to all hell.

 

Yes the strangers were dudes. If they weren't I wouldn't be upset. And they hooked them or viceversa at the halloween party.

 

I really don't know what to do...but I really am upset. Then again everyone is saying that jelousy is weakness and I sure dont want to come out as a ewak insecure boy...

 

But I really can't go trough it like nothing have happened.

 

Thank you for your answer.

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Jealousy is coveting something you don't have. You're not being jealous.

 

She is acting like a single woman. I would tell her that if she wants to act that way then she is perfectly free to, as a single woman. But if she wants to be part of a couple, then she must act like it.

 

Going to a stranger's house is incredibly stupid,s he needs to learn about personal safety.

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I agree with Pegs...she is being disrespectful you are not the problem here. You need to communicate the boundries you are comfortable with and stick with them.

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Do you know anything about these "friends" of hers?

 

I mean, are her friends party animals? Do they get drunk and wasted?

 

Also, what are your guy's ages? Cuz, when I was in the military and from what I've seen about younger people is that they have no issue with crashing at anyone's place when out/about, and/or they'll rent a hotel room and after running the streets everyone would just "crash" there...but that's not "my" cup of tea. I don't like just "crashing" anywhere and like the comfort of my own bed.

 

But regardless of age, people (even married) may simply decide to stay by someone cuz they had too much to drink, were tired, and actually partying till dawn. Again, not my cup of tea...but not cuz I think she was cheating, but cuz I just prefer the comfort of my own home/bed (even a hotel room by myself).

 

So, before jumping to conclusions about her hooking up with some dude while out there - hence, her not coming home till morning - maybe you oughta get to know her a bit better and the company she keeps.

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Thank you all for the replies.

 

I liked the kindness in this woman, maybe I was tricking myself that she was just clumsy in all her hiccups till now. She was very convincing at that. Or, I was tolerating them. But this really tipped the pot for me.

 

From her explanation I was able to read that the two single friends wanted to go and she just tagged along.

 

Should I trust her, should I say to her that I don't want her to ever go out with those two friends again? Like I said I don't want to come out jelous, controlling whatever....

 

For now I am changing my behaviour, I am going silent, not answering her to the messages she is sending, I know it is a little childish but I really am reluctant to answer her.

 

Childish. Yes she is childish from what I got till now. Nothing new to me for her being childish about relationship decisions.

 

Thank you again!

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Do you know anything about these "friends" of hers?

 

I mean, are her friends party animals? Do they get drunk and wasted?

 

Also, what are your guy's ages? Cuz, when I was in the military and from what I've seen about younger people is that they have no issue with crashing at anyone's place when out/about, and/or they'll rent a hotel room and after running the streets everyone would just "crash" there...but that's not "my" cup of tea. I don't like just "crashing" anywhere and like the comfort of my own bed.

 

But regardless of age, people (even married) may simply decide to stay by someone cuz they had too much to drink, were tired, and actually partying till dawn. Again, not my cup of tea...but not cuz I think she was cheating, but cuz I just prefer the comfort of my own home/bed (even a hotel room by myself).

 

So, before jumping to conclusions about her hooking up with some dude while out there - hence, her not coming home till morning - maybe you oughta get to know her a bit better and the company she keeps.

 

Ok. You got me wrong. She didn't sleep there. They stayed at those stranger's house till morning. They were talking about s..t. That was what I got from her explanation. Then again I have to trust her on this. And I don't want to trust her explanations anymore. They were too many till now.

 

But in the end talking all night or sleeping over for me, is the same. The problem is that she went to the house of some strangers dudes they hooked up on the same night. I really am not comfortable to let her go out with those friends anymore and than again I don' watn to forbid her to go out at all....

 

So my GF is 32, the other two are a single mother of two (38) and the other friend is 24.

 

Thanks!

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I am still wondering if this is a committed relationship or just dating? My response is applicable on in the case of a committed relationship.

 

My suggestion would be to eliminate the "let her" phrase but have a candid conversation with here re: "I am looking for a relationship that is honest and respectful. The other night is not within my comfort zone and I would really like to be on the same page with you but right now I don't feel that we are on that same page. How would you suggest we get there.

 

If staying out all night with other guys is going to be your thing, I am fine with that but not as my GF.

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I am still wondering if this is a committed relationship or just dating? My response is applicable on in the case of a committed relationship.

 

My suggestion would be to eliminate the "let her" phrase but have a candid conversation with here re: "I am looking for a relationship that is honest and respectful. The other night is not within my comfort zone and I would really like to be on the same page with you but right now I don't feel that we are on that same page. How would you suggest we get there.

 

If staying out all night with other guys is going to be your thing, I am fine with that but not as my GF.

 

I totally agree with you.

 

But I don' want to be the one initiating the conversation. Not anymore. I am going silent because I am fed up with all this. If she wants to talk and explain, better she does it without my help.

 

I am not born to teach her how to behave in a relationship.

 

If she wants to show that she cares she'll really have to work this time.

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Well, my advice stands. I would tell her that if she wants to act single, then she is free to be single. But if she wants to remain in a relationship then she must start acting like someone who is in a relationship. Her choice.

 

So my GF is 32, the other two are a single mother of two (38) and the other friend is 24.

Really, this kind of behaviour I would expect from a 21 year old. At that age, her and her friends should know better than going to a stranger's house. Have they no regard for their personal safety? Especially the mother of 2 kids, it's quite unbelievable to me that a mother of 2 children would go to a strange man's house that she met in a club. If she wants to continue with this lifestyle then I would let her go. Even if nothing happened that night, it's just a matter of time until it does.

 

But I don' want to be the one initiating the conversation.

Seriously? You're just going to play passive-aggressive? That's the worst thing you could do. If you're not interested in communicating with her to ensure this never happens again then you might as well just cut the cord and dump her right now. Without communication, a relationship is nothing.

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I don't have anything against her going to the club occasionaly but spending the night at some starngers house after clubbing seems just too much for me.

 

It would be for most people. I don't think you are unjustified in feeling how you feel. You don't know what went on there, so be careful not to jump to conclusions or make accusations in that regard. What you do know is that a) there is definitely the appearance of impropriety, b) it makes you extremely uncomfortable, c) she's doing nothing to reassure or acknowledge your feelings, d) she's behaving like someone who is immature with loose boundaries and not like someone in a relationship.

 

32 is plenty old enough to not be acting like a teenager. If I were in your situation, assuming she remains unapologetic and acting like she does not owe you a complete and honest explanation and assurances, I'd cut her loose based on incompatible values and attitudes... and for not being concerned in the least with how her behavior affects your feelings.

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Seriously? You're just going to play passive-aggressive? That's the worst thing you could do. If you're not interested in communicating with her to ensure this never happens again then you might as well just cut the cord and dump her right now. Without communication, a relationship is nothing.

 

It's not that I don't want to initiate the conversation. I know that if we are not communicating that is a tombstone on our relationship.

 

On the other hand. Till now the one that initiated the conversations about problems was me. Always, sometimes I was right some times I wasn't but it alway was me to bring the problem up. Then again it always was her behavior bothering me, not once she came up with my behavior bothering her.

 

I don't want to do this anymore. She has to come up with the thing that she acted wrong and she has to propose the solution. I really am fed up toteach her to live a normal life....then again maybe she has no interest in it...and if this is the case I don't want to have anything to do with her.

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I don't want to do this anymore. She has to come up with the thing that she acted wrong and she has to propose the solution. I really am fed up toteach her to live a normal life....then again maybe she has no interest in it...and if this is the case I don't want to have anything to do with her.

Fair enough. In that case I would give her 2 or 3 days. If no apology and promise of change, dump. I wouldn't hold my breath though, I very much doubt she will do as you desire.

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Fair enough. In that case I would give her 2 or 3 days. If no apology and promise of change, dump. I wouldn't hold my breath though, I very much doubt she will do as you desire.

 

I would agree with this as well.

 

You have no right to tell a grown woman what she can and can't do and you have no right to tell her who she can or can't go out with.

 

But you are under no obligation to continue dating someone who does this and thinks it perfectly ok. IMHO this shows a difference in basic relationship mores and values, and that is a perfectly valid reason to no longer pursue a relationship with her.

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Thank you all for the answers.

 

Something else happened today that really putted the tombstone on the relationship. You see, she also is in horses. Those damned animals take her 4 days a week. I endured all this for a year. Horses first all the time.

 

I agreed (previous to the suterday hook up) to go with her on a horses show some 400km away. And I still was willing to go till today.

 

What happened is that she texted me that she misread her calander that on the day of the show she has some meetings with her students and that she can't go. I already took a few days off of work and invited some people along, feel like an idiot. (she talked about this show and how she wants to go for weeks) FYI: Calanders are made a few months in advance.

 

Yeah I really belive her this time...god help me...

 

So I took this as an exit strategy, no need for further discussions anymore. I just wish that I will be strong enough to go trough the break up. Today I feel fine but I don't know what it will be tommorow and the day after.

 

Again thank you all for your advices.

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Unless you find evidence she hooked up with dude on her overnight, I don't know that you need to formally break up with her at the moment. You can just start disconnecting your heart from her and stop making future plans with her and just start moving forward with her own life.

 

If she shows up your house Sat night and wants to hook up or go out or something and you don't have any other plans, I guess I don't see the harm.

No one is suggesting she a child ax murderer that you need to purge from your life immediately. I'm just not sure if she is the right long term GF material for you.

 

I'd consider just moving on with your own life and if she wants to pop up on your doorstep now and then, that is up to her.

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I'm sorry things ended, but you REALLY don't deserve to be treated that way, and this will become more apparent once you're through the emotions. The fastest way to feel better, though it's more difficult at first, is to cut all contact completely (go no contact). There are some good threads around here if you do a search.

 

Just date yourself for a while. Do all the things you love to do. Eventually the sun will come out again...

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.....so let me put it this way - if she's the type that spends the night with some dudes she ran into at a party, she's more booty call/FWB material than GF material, so you might as well put her in a booty call rotation if you want.

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.....so let me put it this way - if she's the type that spends the night with some dudes she ran into at a party, she's more booty call/FWB material than GF material, so you might as well put her in a booty call rotation if you want.

 

Wow... just... wow...

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Just an update....

 

I am drunk as hell...yeah it is bad...I expected it to be.

 

So she didn't contact me since the outrage yestarday and she went dancing wit her co-dancer. The one we had a lot of isssues about dancing with him...

 

You see I was happy to replace him and I took dance lessons with her even if I didn't like dancing. I knew that when things will turn bad she will just escape to him....and exactly this is what was bothering me about the dancing...

 

And I am sure that she wont get in contact today because there is a dance event every thuseday abd she'll go there instead of trying to sort things out with me.

 

It is hard to bare all this....

 

If she gets in contact somehow, how should I react?

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If she gets in contact somehow, how should I react?

Well if it were me, I'd simply tell her that I don't feel things are working out and I don't want to see her again.

 

oldshirt suggested you put her in booty call rotation, which is all well and good, but I think you have caught feelings here, which would make booty calling with her a pretty bad idea.

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