Do you think it's possible to be TRULY happy single?

[Zapbasket]

I keep reading about people who claim they have consciously chosen not to marry or enter into a long-term relationship, or in some cases, a relationship at all--mostly women, from essays, and mostly men, from personal communications where I live. They all claim they are much happier this way.

 

I'm 39 and NOT by choice, I am single and have no prospect of a relationship on the horizon. There's no one I'm interested in and anyone who has been interested in me of late is not even worth considering (no attraction, lives too far away, alcohol problem, complete disrespect of any boundaries I tried to set--these are all different men).

 

Don't get me wrong: I've been single for two years now and after going through a period of acute grief over the loss of my last relationship, I've managed to rebuild my life and myself and I must say I have really been enjoying being single. I've done a lot of mountain-climbing and solo backpacking and fly fishing adventures, all alone, and they really helped me build a sense of confidence, respect for myself, and joy in conquering new "frontiers" with nothing but my own skills and smarts. I've been working with a therapist to help me honor my talents and who I really am more, and I can see all the weeks of work beginning to pay off. It has been great, truly.

 

But to remain single for years more? I just can't imagine that it will be a happy way to be for me. I can imagine making the most of it, and enjoying projects I delve into and yes, enjoying the freedom of being able to do as I please without having to closely consider another person...but ultimately, I know that I really want a great relationship. I imagine what it would be like to meet someone--male or female--and just have an amazing conversation, one of those conversations that start over dinner and then you have to go someplace else after the restaurant closes to continue it and it goes into the wee hours of the morning and you both enjoy it so, so much...and just the thought of it makes me so happy that I then realize it's something I feel is missing sorely in my life right now. To me it indicates I am seeking a real connection with someone else, and while it would be great to find that in a female friend, when I really imagine what I want, it would be for it to be with a guy to whom I feel a powerful attraction, and the talk can evolve into a physical component--not only sex, but holding hands, cuddling, etc.

 

And I WANT to have someone I feel WOW about for whom I'm willing to make compromises. Not compromises to who I am, but to make our lives work together. If he's the right person, he'll also want to make compromises for me, and so hopefully we both can flourish in the give and take. That's what I really want.

 

And that's when I realize that while I'm content with being single for NOW, I'm in no way content with the idea that I could be this way always. And it makes me wonder whether the people who claim they are happiest being single, really are happiest that way.

 

What do you think?

[Lurkeraspect]

I've been blissfully single for 7 years. It's all about what you want and where you are in life. After a long term marriage, Im quite enjoying myself. I'm not saying I'll never have another relationship, I'm just not looking for one, and I'm content to be alone, free and single.

[Httm]

There are some people that simply have no desire. Others that have no sex drive. Others who haven't had an amazing relationship to realize what they are missing.

 

It is possible to be very happy and single, but still realize that you'd be even happier in an amazing relationship. Keys to being happy- Good health, good job with lots of vacation time, living where you want to live, having hobbies and interests, having great friends, being physically happy, and most importantly, enjoying the simple pleasures of life.

[No Limit]

Yes, I enjoy being single. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy the love-rush-feeling I get when I'm in love. I just don't depend on it and frankly I also don't want my happiness or any other significant aspect of my life to depend on another person (marriage is a big taboo for me, too many risks).

[JustGettingBy]

It depends, do you define happiness by "having what you want", or "wanting what you have"?

[BC1980]

I can only speak for myself, but I can say that it is possible to be single and happy. Before I met my recent ex, I was very content being single and really had no desire for a relationship. But I had never actually dated a man I wanted to marry or had seen a long term future with. I had two previous relationships, but I never invested as much in those as I did my ex. So I do think that my lack of investment and general commitment might fall in line with an idea that I didn't know what I was missing. Therefore, I was completely happy being single.

 

I'm happy right now, but I would enjoy being in a committed relationship. I would like to be in love and feel that I can share my life with someone. I would like to make plans with someone and share my hobbies with that person. Maybe I feel this way because I was in a relationship with a person that I wanted to spend my life with. We had a home together. We had plans. So maybe now I know what I'm missing.

 

The really ironic this is that like you, I have no desire to date at present. I wouldn't be opposed to a relationship if I stumbled upon one, but I'm not actively seeking or pursuing anything. To be frank, I just don't feel the desire to date. Likely, most of that lack of desire is related to fear. I'm not sure that I can weather another situation that is anything like what happened with my ex. Only in the past year have I begun to feel "normal," so maybe I simply need some time to adjust before I get back out there again.

Edited October 31, 2015 by BC1980

[alphamale]

you can be happy no matter what, assuming you want it badly enough

[xxoo]

I think its just as possible to be truly happy single as it is in a relationship. Happiness really and truly comes from within whether you are single or partnered.

 

Gratitude for what we have is highly correlated with happiness.

[alphamale]

I think its just as possible to be truly happy single as it is in a relationship. Happiness really and truly comes from within whether you are single or partnered.

 

Gratitude for what we have is highly correlated with happiness.

I agree xxoo

[MissBee]

I keep reading about people who claim they have consciously chosen not to marry or enter into a long-term relationship, or in some cases, a relationship at all--mostly women, from essays, and mostly men, from personal communications where I live. They all claim they are much happier this way.

 

I'm 39 and NOT by choice, I am single and have no prospect of a relationship on the horizon. There's no one I'm interested in and anyone who has been interested in me of late is not even worth considering (no attraction, lives too far away, alcohol problem, complete disrespect of any boundaries I tried to set--these are all different men).

 

Don't get me wrong: I've been single for two years now and after going through a period of acute grief over the loss of my last relationship, I've managed to rebuild my life and myself and I must say I have really been enjoying being single. I've done a lot of mountain-climbing and solo backpacking and fly fishing adventures, all alone, and they really helped me build a sense of confidence, respect for myself, and joy in conquering new "frontiers" with nothing but my own skills and smarts. I've been working with a therapist to help me honor my talents and who I really am more, and I can see all the weeks of work beginning to pay off. It has been great, truly.

 

But to remain single for years more? I just can't imagine that it will be a happy way to be for me. I can imagine making the most of it, and enjoying projects I delve into and yes, enjoying the freedom of being able to do as I please without having to closely consider another person...but ultimately, I know that I really want a great relationship. I imagine what it would be like to meet someone--male or female--and just have an amazing conversation, one of those conversations that start over dinner and then you have to go someplace else after the restaurant closes to continue it and it goes into the wee hours of the morning and you both enjoy it so, so much...and just the thought of it makes me so happy that I then realize it's something I feel is missing sorely in my life right now. To me it indicates I am seeking a real connection with someone else, and while it would be great to find that in a female friend, when I really imagine what I want, it would be for it to be with a guy to whom I feel a powerful attraction, and the talk can evolve into a physical component--not only sex, but holding hands, cuddling, etc.

 

And I WANT to have someone I feel WOW about for whom I'm willing to make compromises. Not compromises to who I am, but to make our lives work together. If he's the right person, he'll also want to make compromises for me, and so hopefully we both can flourish in the give and take. That's what I really want.

 

And that's when I realize that while I'm content with being single for NOW, I'm in no way content with the idea that I could be this way always. And it makes me wonder whether the people who claim they are happiest being single, really are happiest that way.

 

What do you think?

 

We don't know what an hour from now will bring much less years from now. Life can literally change in an instant (for better or worse) so I wouldn't spend time worrying about whether or not you'll be single for years more or forever. You simply don't know and having a negative outlook won't really help. I'd suggest putting it out there that ultimately being partnered is what you want and have the expectation that it will happen.

 

I had a boyfriend last year but have been single for a year now, before this I went through much longer periods of being single. But I have every confidence that life surprises you and I will eventually meet someone else and have a good relationship, although I don't know the exact day and time this will occur. I do get that it's easy to get anxious and worried or think that if it doesn't happen by a certain age it won't, but that's not true. Even on LS many people have stories of having found love/marrying for the first time in their 40s or later. We can't control when it will happen but a positive outlook makes things far more pleasant.

 

As for if people can be truly happy single? Yes. Everyone is wired differently. Some people can find fulfillment in friendships, family, their work, hobbies, nieces, nephews, or their kids and truly don't feel empty without a romantic partner. However, some of us are more wired to want a romantic partner and will feel something is missing even when we have the other things mentioned. Nothing is wrong or right about either, it's different for everyone. You just have to know which kind of person you are and be true to that.

[Odinani]

It depends on what makes you tick. I adore being single. One of the main reasons I bother with dating and relationships at all is because of social pressure to be coupled up. I love eating what I want when I want. Keeping whatever hours I want. Having my very own apartment that feels like a haven, decorated exactly how I want. Large circle of friends. Thriving career. Bliss. My idea of paradise would be to be single, live in a beautiful tropical country, date from time to time but remain unmarried, never co-habitate

[alphamale]

It depends on what makes you tick. I adore being single. One of the main reasons I bother with dating and relationships at all is because of social pressure to be coupled up. I love eating what I want when I want. Keeping whatever hours I want. Having my very own apartment that feels like a haven, decorated exactly how I want. Large circle of friends. Thriving career. Bliss. My idea of paradise would be to be single, live in a beautiful tropical country, date from time to time but remain unmarried, never co-habitate

 

sort of selfish don't you think

[Phoe]

Yes.

 

I've spent most of my life single. Sometimes that wasn't what I wanted. Right now it is exactly what I want.

 

I think it's a wonderful thing, to be able to find happiness solely by yourself. I've always been fiercely independent and at times a bit of a lone wolf. Right now I can focus all my emotional energy into myself, and that's good for me.

[Odinani]

sort of selfish don't you think

 

Very. And why not?

 

[KatZee]

Very. And why not?

 

 

Yeah, why not? Who is it exactly selfish to? She's not keeping anything from someone else out of spite or to be intentionally mean. She's focusing on herself and not hurting anyone along the way.

 

3.5 years single here. At first I hated it. I have never truly been single, I've always gone from relationship to relationship. As I've grown into it, I really don't know how to be any other way.

 

When I was in a relationship, I wasn't at my best. I was always more worried about someone else, and usually that someone else wasn't even good for me.

[Odinani]

Yeah, why not? Who is it exactly selfish to? She's not keeping anything from someone else out of spite or to be intentionally mean. She's focusing on herself and not hurting anyone along the way.

 

3.5 years single here. At first I hated it. I have never truly been single, I've always gone from relationship to relationship. As I've grown into it, I really don't know how to be any other way.

 

When I was in a relationship, I wasn't at my best. I was always more worried about someone else, and usually that someone else wasn't even good for me.

 

Good for you! xxx

[sportygirl89]

Turning into year three of being single. First year and a half of being single I was bitter towards my ex. No one could ever read me. In church they talk about in God's timing. I don't know when it will happen but God knows who I'm supposed to marry. I'll be introduced to him at right time. In my professional medical program I am in I couldn't even imagine being in a relationship right now. When my professor asked me about it (there is literally one other girl who is single). I told him did I even want one right now with being in program.

[Phoe]

When my professor asked me about it (there is literally one other girl who is single). I told him did I even want one right now with being in program.

 

Why on earth is your professor asking about your dating life, and why on earth does he know that every other woman is in a relationship? That's not professional at all!

 

I'd politely tell him that my business is MY business.

[candie13]

well, if you truly want a RS, then you SHOULD keep dating. Weeding better. Meeting beautiful people and choosing your partner as best as you can.

 

You cannot be truly happy alone when you GENUINELY want to be in a RS. I think, in between men, in between RS, people can be happy, if single.

 

I think people giving up on dating and on trying are just as bad as those settling in RS that make them miserable. You're asking yourself the wrong questions. Keep working on yourself and you will manage to address your issues.

 

Me thinks you don't love yourself yet. You don't truly appreciate whom you are, your self esteem is not HARD ROCK. If it were, you won't give men treating you poorly one single chance. Basically, you are horribly blinded by your very genuine yet very selfish desire to be in a RS. Rs happen with people. Wait to meet the right person and fall inlove like a mad woman. RS will follow from that moment onward, not before.

 

Anyways, I'm single at the moment. I've been happy dating, I've been miserable dating. I've been happy single and I've been miserable single. I'm working on myself like there's no tomorrow and I am sure I still have it wrong, but I continue to confront myself and my fears and my failures, every day. If I am meant to meet the man of my life, I am convinced I will. I've never been better, since I got to know myself, yet I've never had so little.

 

basically, girl, it's all in your head. Nobody's forcing you to stay single. Embrace your desires and just go for it. Be true to yourself and ... hell, date you heart out, if you feel like it. But love and respect yourself first.

 

Best of luck !!!

[Dolfin80]

Of course people are happy single.

 

I'm single and never seem to have any desire for a relationship. I don't like spending time with the same person. I like to hang out with a variety of people but only for short periods of time, like less than a few hours or a day tops (hiking or fishing). I have no desire for sex with another person.

 

I am at peace being on my own, I find it very enriching. I spend my spare time travelling the world, learning new languages and cultures. I have a good career and earn good money.

 

I don't actually understand why people want relationships because I have no desire to have one. I like being by myself all the time.

 

Today I hiked 12km then went snorkelling for 2 hours with 1m gropers. I'd never invite anyone to come with me because I like being by myself.

 

I've never suffered from 'loneliness' either - I don't even know what that feels like, totally foreign to me. I think I have a high level of independence much higher than a normal person cause I seem to thrive.

Edited November 1, 2015 by Dolfin80

[Male]

I for the most part enjoy being single. Having free time to do what I want, when I want is a plus. Im still on a dating site, but for some reason I get pretty much ignored by the opposite sex. With the way the dating scene is nowadays, and especially the way 95% of women seem to want to text instead of actually talking on the phone, I can safely say that I'll probably be single the rest of my life.

[Zapbasket]

Do you think it's easier to be content with being single when you've already gone through a marriage? Like, maybe you see that marriage isn't greener grass from having never been married? Or that maybe it's easier to be single when you're outside that "zone" where society expects you to be married?

 

I feel like maybe I missed something, being 39 and still unmarried. I feel like what was "supposed" to happen was that I'd get married sometime in my thirties, and start a family. I'm desirable in every way, not saying I'm perfect, but I am a good partner; I chose the wrong kinds of guys with whom to get into relationships, and stayed in the relationships too long, not realizing that I was the only one doing any work to hold the relationship together. I feel like I "failed" at doing what I was supposed to do, that everyone around me has successfully done. I wonder whether that's why I feel this absence in my life so acutely.

 

For instance, tonight I spent Halloween with a friend who has a young son and a sister who has three children. We were at her sister's house, in THE neighborhood for trick-or-treating. My friend's parents came over, and her husband's mom, and her dad's cousin and one of their friends, and it was a very warm and festive environment, with chili and apple crisp and cider and lots of socializing as the neighborhood kids came by. I just loved it. I enjoyed it so much more than I'd have enjoyed going to this party I was invited to, where I knew everyone would get drunk and traipse around town in their costumes. I found myself feeling a bit sad inside, because I want that kind of family environment, too. And as a single person I can accomplish lots of things, but I can't "accomplish" that, not unless I have a partner to do it with.

 

My last breakup revealed to me numerous ways in which I don't accept who I am, and I've been working hard to correct that. Overall, though, I've always been a very independent person and I know how to enjoy being by myself. But more on a day-to-day level, not on the level where it's my way of life, indefinitely. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

[Els]

And that's when I realize that while I'm content with being single for NOW, I'm in no way content with the idea that I could be this way always.

 

I think that's totally fine. I know that personally, I'm happiest in a good LTR. That doesn't mean that I would be unhappy if I were single, just that it wouldn't be the ideal for me. I would definitely prefer being single than being in a bad or even middling R, or in a casual dating/FWB scenario, though.

 

But that being said...

 

And it makes me wonder whether the people who claim they are happiest being single, really are happiest that way.

I believe that it's the truth for many of them. It's a different strokes for different folks thing - I think some people genuinely ARE happiest single or casually dating. I think it's sad that society tends to pressure people into partnering up with the assumption that everyone needs the same thing for happiness - it's not true. If more people could be honest with themselves about what they truly want in life, it would solve a lot of problems. Edited November 1, 2015 by Elswyth

[Nikki Sahagin]

It all depends on the person.

 

Personally, I believe that humans are biologically programmed to seek out human interaction. Although there are exceptions, most people crave socialisation, conversation, companionship, sex, love and simply to be with other people to varying degrees. This is a natural part of our makeup.

 

However this doesn't necessarily mean that a person needs to be in a relationship/married etc. There are many people who are lonely, miserable and disconnected with their partners and many people who are lonely, miserable and disconnected and single.

 

Of course it is possible to be happy single. If you are a romantic, affectionate, socially minded person you may find it harder. A happy relationship can fulfill many of these human needs consistently. A single life with periodic companionship can fulfill these needs fleetingly.

[Httm]

Do you think it's easier to be content with being single when you've already gone through a marriage? Like, maybe you see that marriage isn't greener grass from having never been married?

 

Marriage taught me the opposite. First though, you should know that marriage doesn't change the nature of a relationship... It is just a legality.

 

So, my long term relationship taught me just how amazing and wonderful and fulfilling having a life partner can be. It ended up not working at the very end, but 90% was bliss!

 

It only made me desire it more and work hard to find it again, but find an even better partner.