once established as "The Provider" can a guy ever become "The Lover"?

[deadelvis]

Inspired by a recent thread in the marriage forum.

 

I'm specifically asking about this as it applies to a relationship where the male has already been established as "The Provider". I think I made the mistake of becoming the "provider" and now I'm paying for it sexually.

 

In the past, my bad boy image and hard partying lifestyle predefined me as "The Lover" and women generally used me for casual sex but avoided any long term commitment. When I met my current partner she expressed a disdain for "losers" and made it very clear that she was looking for a mature and responsible partner.

 

So I made some rapid changes and recreated myself as the stable "provider" in order to win her heart and start a relationship together. This worked great to secure the relationship and start a life together, however I'm afraid I may have compromised something essential when I fell into the "provider" role. Our sex life has always been almost non-existent. We're both attractive and good in bed, so once we start having sex, it's usually great. But the problem is she's never in the mood, and seems to have a general lack of attraction to me. I've determined a large part of this has to do with my role as the "provider" instead of the "lover".

 

All her "great" past sexual experiences were with "lovers" and all the men she had relationships with were "providers". And all her relationships were sexually mundane and unexciting. However she had great sex with her ONS and FWB's because those men were selected based on the criteria of being a "lover".

 

I'm sure all women experience a bit of the "lover/provider" complex, but for her it seems extreme. Her ONS experiences were wild and kinky, as well as very satisfying for her. But having sex with a boyfriend is more like a chore for her.

 

So now I'm in a rough spot because I've already been cast in the role of the "provider".

 

I am naturally more of a "lover" but it seems like it's too late to become that character. She already see's me as the stable boyfriend. The boring "provider" with whom sex is a chore.

 

Is there any way to undo this and recreate myself as "the lover"? We've only been together for 7 months so it's not like I'm trying to do this after 10 years of marriage. Is it too late? Am I always going to be the "borefriend" or can I still become the exciting lover?

 

I think being more emotionally distant and focusing less time on being a "good husband" is part of the solution. I've become the classic "provider" who treats her like a queen. I pay for everything, open doors for her, basically wait on her hand and foot. I thought I was doing the right thing by being a gentleman, but now I've become the "nice guy" who doesn't inspire passion in his mate.

[autumnnight]

Regardless of what the readers of Reddit would like us to think, 99% of women are not looking for either/or. And you can bet that for most women in the long haul...if one OR the other disappears it will be a problem. If a guy can make her swing from chandeliers but won't get a job....that won't fly. And if a guy makes tons of money but never touches her...well, except for that subset of women who should never marry, that won't fly either.

 

Just like a woman who rocks your world but won't do a dish or get up and be motivated won;t work for you, and neither will Betty Crocker who is a prude.

[Got it]

I am not sure about going from one or the other but I know I see my husband as all three.

 

I didn't see my ex husband in the Lover role but that is more a direct reflection of our sex life and the issue with it than any "role". It wasn't good, wasn't satisfying, and he did not care to change/improve it. So scratch Lover off the list.

[Mrs. John Adams]

In our case...my husband started out as my lover and has for 43 years remained my lover in my mind. That's how i see him. Now he certainly is also my friend, my provider and my protector.

 

But I cannot say it is possible to go from provider to lover...because i have never viewed him in that capacity.

 

Autumn...

 

Anyway...to address what you said....it is VERY true....i think if a man is a lover only and doesn't pull his share in other areas...the lover part can get old. So it has to even itself out in all areas I guess.

Edited October 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[toolforgrowth]

No.

 

/10chars

[JohnAdams]

In our case...my husband started out as my lover and has for 43 years remained my lover in my mind. That's how i see him. Now he certainly is also my friend, my provider and my protector.

 

I agree with Mrs. JA, I have always thought of her as my lover and best friend. I have never given much thought to the provider part. When we married, I was a poor enlisted Sailor making very little money. We have been fortunate over the years. A couple of years ago, a lady told Mrs. JA she was lucky to have married a sugar daddy. It made her mad and struck me as funny.

 

 

Anyway, I would think if you did not start out as lovers, it would be hard but not impossible to transition to that role. If you are viewed as primarily a paycheck, I would wonder how much emotion is in the marriage.

[lollipopspot]

I'm sure all women experience a bit of the "lover/provider" complex, but for her it seems extreme...

 

Is there any way to undo this and recreate myself as "the lover"?...

I think being more emotionally distant and focusing less time on being a "good husband" is part of the solution. I've become the classic "provider" who treats her like a queen. I pay for everything, open doors for her, basically wait on her hand and foot. I thought I was doing the right thing by being a gentleman, but now I've become the "nice guy" who doesn't inspire passion in his mate.

 

Oh my gosh, no. You may have found a particular type of woman or created a particular type of dynamic with her, but don't generalize this to all women.

 

I in fact would be MORE turned on by a guy who treated me well and wanted to "provide" for me (even though I can provide for myself).

 

You know how some guys are said to have a "madonna/whore" complex? Maybe some women due to whatever quirk in their psyche have some "provider/lover" complex (although I haven't really found this to be much of a thing)...but that doesn't mean you need to cater to someone's damaged psyche and change your basic nature, if you are a good guy.

[deadelvis]

In the past she selected her ONS and FWB's because they fit the "lover" criteria and had passionate wild sex with them. There was no intention of being seriously involved with any of them. But she looks for totally different characteristics in a long term partner. And most of those guys were not attractive or very good in bed.

 

She's often commented that I'm the first boyfriend she's ever had who was attractive and good in bed. Usually those are things she associates with "lovers" rather than "providers".

 

But as the "provider" now I find myself missing out on all the passionate sex she had with her "lovers" in the past. And that's a bummer, not just because our sex life sucks, but also because it seems unfair that she would have passionate "rip-your-clothes-off" sex with all these different guys she didn't even know, but the man she loves has to settle for "duty-sex" once a week.

 

I want passionate "rip-your-clothes-off" sex, but it seems like being stuck in the "provider" role will prevent me from ever experiencing that side of her.

[toolforgrowth]

In the past she selected her ONS and FWB's because they fit the "lover" criteria and had passionate wild sex with them. There was no intention of being seriously involved with any of them. But she looks for totally different characteristics in a long term partner. And most of those guys were not attractive or very good in bed.

 

She's often commented that I'm the first boyfriend she's ever had who was attractive and good in bed. Usually those are things she associates with "lovers" rather than "providers".

 

But as the "provider" now I find myself missing out on all the passionate sex she had with her "lovers" in the past. And that's a bummer, not just because our sex life sucks, but also because it seems unfair that she would have passionate "rip-your-clothes-off" sex with all these different guys she didn't even know, but the man she loves has to settle for "duty-sex" once a week.

 

I want passionate "rip-your-clothes-off" sex, but it seems like being stuck in the "provider" role will prevent me from ever experiencing that side of her.

 

This is why you never, ever, ever provide for another adult. She has a brain, two arms, and two legs. She is a fully capable human being, and there is no reason why she can't provide for herself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Have you tried rip her clothes off sex with her??? Maybe you should be the aggressor and let her see the fire in your eyes....

 

maybe it is time to take charge...

[carhill]

'Ever'? Sure, anything is possible.

 

IME, relationships are poor dynamics to apply investment-oriented thought processes to. They can change at any moment for any reason or no reason at all and generally are impossible to predict with any consistency.

 

How I'd deal would be if I perceived the provider vibe coming on without any substantive lover vibe, I'd address it, resolve it or move on. There are no guarantees of anything in life being forever. I think being married helped to more fully and concisely define that path and the steps along the way.

 

Hence, I'd process the perceptions in the moment and accept the results. If a continuum of moments became a lifetime, OK.

[deadelvis]

Have you tried rip her clothes off sex with her??? Maybe you should be the aggressor and let her see the fire in your eyes....

 

maybe it is time to take charge...

 

of course. I have to initiate sex every time. And she acts like she's doing me a favor when she agrees to sex. She's never once been in the mood. For her, having sex with me is just about keeping me happy. Once we get started she enjoys it and she seems more willing to have sex again later that day, but it's really hard to get her interested.

 

I've tried many times to be aggressive and it's never been well received. Every time I try to physically initiate sex she tells me to stop. The only way sex ever happens is when I specifically ask "can we have sex?" and that is by far the least passionate way to start a sexual encounter.

 

I've tried so many times to make sex spontaneous and exciting but she just refuses.

[toolforgrowth]

'Ever'? Sure, anything is possible.

 

IME, relationships are poor dynamics to apply investment-oriented thought processes to. They can change at any moment for any reason or no reason at all and generally are impossible to predict with any consistency.

 

In the context of roles a couple play in the daily life of the household, never be the "Provider". If one's spouse is injured in a car accident, that is a different story. However, I'm speaking in general terms and not any sort of extenuating circumstance.

 

Your second paragraph is precisely why I advocate to never be the Provider. A man who is the Provider tends to think of his marriage as an investment. He can literally put a dollar value to it. What is the ROI? It sounds as though it's not nearly enough.

 

Since relationships are impossible to predict, it follows that a smart individual would mitigate the risks of entering into one as much as possible.

 

This is an all too-common complaint among men. The only thing to do is to change the dynamic. Don't be the Provider anymore.

[casey.lives]

what solves your problem is.. independence. Be the provider but do your own thing. Independence plus the trust you share when you go off and come back .. makes her excited to see you and to know you.

[deadelvis]

what solves your problem is.. independence. Be the provider but do your own thing. Independence plus the trust you share when you go off and come back .. makes her excited to see you and to know you.

 

That's what I've been thinking. I'm going to start doing my own thing more often. Hanging out with my friends, not responding to her texts right away... Less romance. Less of a gentleman. I'm also going to stop being so loving and affectionate all the time. I need to reverse the roles a bit and let her chase after me. Make my self less emotionally available. Make her miss me. I think the "provider" makes himself too available and loses all the power in the relationship. Maybe i need to let her get a little bit jealous and insecure. I'm going to do an experiment this weekend. I'll go out with my friends and not reply to her texts. I'm curious if showing her less attention and becoming "selfish" will make her start wanting me more. We always want what we can't have. And the "provider" is the definition of being "too available".

[craw]

No.

 

/10chars

 

+1 dump vote.

[htmshsj]

Inspired by a recent thread in the marriage forum.

 

I'm specifically asking about this as it applies to a relationship where the male has already been established as "The Provider". I think I made the mistake of becoming the "provider" and now I'm paying for it sexually.

 

In the past, my bad boy image and hard partying lifestyle predefined me as "The Lover" and women generally used me for casual sex but avoided any long term commitment. When I met my current partner she expressed a disdain for "losers" and made it very clear that she was looking for a mature and responsible partner.

 

So I made some rapid changes and recreated myself as the stable "provider" in order to win her heart and start a relationship together. This worked great to secure the relationship and start a life together, however I'm afraid I may have compromised something essential when I fell into the "provider" role. Our sex life has always been almost non-existent. We're both attractive and good in bed, so once we start having sex, it's usually great. But the problem is she's never in the mood, and seems to have a general lack of attraction to me. I've determined a large part of this has to do with my role as the "provider" instead of the "lover".

 

All her "great" past sexual experiences were with "lovers" and all the men she had relationships with were "providers". And all her relationships were sexually mundane and unexciting. However she had great sex with her ONS and FWB's because those men were selected based on the criteria of being a "lover".

 

I'm sure all women experience a bit of the "lover/provider" complex, but for her it seems extreme. Her ONS experiences were wild and kinky, as well as very satisfying for her. But having sex with a boyfriend is more like a chore for her.

 

So now I'm in a rough spot because I've already been cast in the role of the "provider".

 

I am naturally more of a "lover" but it seems like it's too late to become that character. She already see's me as the stable boyfriend. The boring "provider" with whom sex is a chore.

 

Is there any way to undo this and recreate myself as "the lover"? We've only been together for 7 months so it's not like I'm trying to do this after 10 years of marriage. Is it too late? Am I always going to be the "borefriend" or can I still become the exciting lover?

 

I think being more emotionally distant and focusing less time on being a "good husband" is part of the solution. I've become the classic "provider" who treats her like a queen. I pay for everything, open doors for her, basically wait on her hand and foot. I thought I was doing the right thing by being a gentleman, but now I've become the "nice guy" who doesn't inspire passion in his mate.

 

You said you've never had a great sex life with her. I don't get why you'd completely change yourself to be a relationship with someone who demonstrates a clear lack of physical attraction for you.

 

I think the whole bad boy versus provider thing doesn't matter. The two of you have clearly settled into a relationship where physical attraction doesn't play a big role. She's perfectly content with it, and you're not. You could read the stupid "Married man PUA guide" or whatever bull**** there is out there and start working on some act to "keep her on her toes" and essentially frighten her into screwing you, but it still won't change the fact that she just doesn't see you like that. It's up to you to decide how important that is.

[deadelvis]

You said you've never had a great sex life with her. I don't get why you'd completely change yourself to be a relationship with someone who demonstrates a clear lack of physical attraction for you.

 

I think the whole bad boy versus provider thing doesn't matter. The two of you have clearly settled into a relationship where physical attraction doesn't play a big role. She's perfectly content with it, and you're not. You could read the stupid "Married man PUA guide" or whatever bull**** there is out there and start working on some act to "keep her on her toes" and essentially frighten her into screwing you, but it still won't change the fact that she just doesn't see you like that. It's up to you to decide how important that is.

 

At this point I'll try anything. Even PUA nonsense.

[xxoo]

It has nothing to do with being a Provider.

 

It has everything to do with never having being seen as a Lover in her eyes. I'm not sure if you can change that at this point.

 

Going forward, understand that the two are not mutually exclusive, and don't enter into a relationship that is lacking in the Lover dept. Just add the Provider on top to turn a hot romance into a lasting, satisfying relationship.

[deadelvis]

It has nothing to do with being a Provider.

 

It has everything to do with never having being seen as a Lover in her eyes. I'm not sure if you can change that at this point.

 

Going forward, understand that the two are not mutually exclusive, and don't enter into a relationship that is lacking in the Lover dept. Just add the Provider on top to turn a hot romance into a lasting, satisfying relationship.

 

We never had hot romance, passion, desire, lust. None of that. I do feel all those things toward her. But she just doesn't seem to feel any sexual attraction toward me. I guess I answered my own question. You can't make someone desire you... I am going to do everything I can to make my self more attractive, things like getting really fit are obvious, but I'll start reading books about using jedi mind tricks to make women desire you. Anything at this point. I just can't understand it. I'm a really good looking guy, and a pretty damn good lover. I get attention from women all day long, but my own girlfriend has no interest in having sex with me.

[htmshsj]

At this point I'll try anything. Even PUA nonsense.

 

Yea, I don't know man. I'm just a big believer in "it's either there or it isn't."

 

If you guys started off really physically attracted to each other and it kind of faded, at least you'd know there was something there you could work back to. If it was never there to begin with, that's much harder.

 

Good luck.

[Grumpybutfun]

No offense, man, but your seven month relationship has more drama than a high school prom night during a Crabs outbreak.

Sex reflects the healthiness of a relationship and yours is all kinds of messed up. No amount of PUA or bad boy provider/lover nonsense can fix an unhealthy dynamic.

You need to move on,

Grumps

[Woggle]

You can be both but you have to be a lover first. Once you are that then you can also add being a provider to your roles.

[CarrieT]

And here we have OP's Thread #36 on trying to fix a relationship that can't be fixed.

 

Will this one go on to 20+ pages of the same suggestions and recommendations with no action by Deadelvis?

 

I predict nothing will ever change, until the OP truly decides to make a change.

[MissBee]

of course. I have to initiate sex every time. And she acts like she's doing me a favor when she agrees to sex. She's never once been in the mood. For her, having sex with me is just about keeping me happy. Once we get started she enjoys it and she seems more willing to have sex again later that day, but it's really hard to get her interested.

 

I've tried many times to be aggressive and it's never been well received. Every time I try to physically initiate sex she tells me to stop. The only way sex ever happens is when I specifically ask "can we have sex?" and that is by far the least passionate way to start a sexual encounter.

 

I've tried so many times to make sex spontaneous and exciting but she just refuses.

 

Given ALL the problems you guys have, which in my opinion, no good relationship has these ongoing problems... If you have the same kind of problem time and again pay attention. Maybe just maybe you guys aren't well suited for each other and maybe you should let her go and find someone else with whom you can be provider, lover, friend, all of it.

 

Or... Keep hoping this woman will change or that you can do some magic alchemy to change yourself.